24: The Parody
by MasterRookie
Summary: 24, but funnier. Will hopefully be adding more stuff soon!
1. Day 1

24: The Parody. Written by Daniel Barker & Sam Deere.

Set loosely after S4

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The Following takes place between 11:00 p.m and 12:00 am.

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(After a long, uninteresting day at work Jack Bauer is preparing to retire for the night when the phone rings. He yawns and answers the ringing phone)

Jack: Hello?

Edgar: Jack, a nuclear bomb has been found hidden in the French embassy and you have to find and capture the man responsible for planting it.

Jack: The French Embassy you say?

Edgar: Yeah, I hate the French too, but the President has ordered YOU to deal with it.

Jack: Bastard Logan. (Sighs) OK, I'll be there in about 5 minutes. Tell Chloe to get an espresso ready, will ya.

Edgar: Ok Jack. (Hangs up the phone) Chloe! Jack wants an espresso when he gets here.

Chloe: But I made the coffee for Bill earlier, it's your turn.

Edgar: There is a crisis here and I'm busy with the work that Buchanan gave me so just do it.

(Chloe begrudgingly heads to the cafeteria)

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Montage of CTU agents tiredly entering CTU, Chloe and others preparing drinks and Jack pulling into the carpark.

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(Jack enters)

Jack: Sup edgar.

Edgar: Yo Jack.

Tony: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jack.

Jack: Hey Tone, I thought you left.

Tony: Yeah... Well... I miss it here okay STOP GOING ON ABOUT IT! (Storms off angry)

Jack stares for a minute: Touchy. So what's the deal with this embassy bomb then?

Chloe: Here's your coffee, Jack.

Jack: Thanks biatch.

Bill: President Logan called, the French found a bomb that was linked to a man who goes by the name of "The Brick"

Jack: The Brick? (Giggles like a schoolgirl) Seriously?

Bill: Yes. When have I ever joked to you Jack?

Jack: You have a point Bill.

(Buchanan puts down a spear)

Jack: So, The Brick (Giggles), is linked to the embassy bomb. We should bring him in for questioning.

Bill: That's why I need you at this hour Jack. Your the only one cool enough to go in and get The Brick.

Jack: That is true. Dammit. So where is he now then?

Bill: He's in a fancy hotel about 2 and a half miles from here. You can use your car or take a chopper.

Jack: That's okay, I'll walk, I need the exercise. My doctor says my cholesterol is in Edgar territory.

Edgar: Hey, I'm right here!

Bill: Take John and Dave with you, they need some field experience and maybe your Cool will rub off on them.

Jack: You mean they take the fire whilst I'm okay?

Bill: Something like that, yeah.

Dave to John: Well at least we go out fighting with THE Jack Bauer!

John to Dave: He's so awesome!

Jack: Yeah, I see why you want these guys to come with me.

Tony: Jack... Be careful.

Jack: Tony... Thanks.

Jack: Dave, John lets go!

Dave: HA! He spoke to me first!

John: Bugger!

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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The Streets.

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(Jack, Dave and John are cycling to The Brick's hotel)

John: I'm glad we got these bikes. I couldn't have walked all that way.

Jack: Yeah, but did you have to take your bike from that little girl? She was 3.

John: I gave her my gun as a trade.

Dave: You shouldn't have done that. What if someone shoots at us? How you gonna defend yourself?

John: Dude, we have Jack Bauer.

Dave: Good point.

Jack: Am I that special?

Dave: Yeah, me and Dave had posters of you on our academy dorm-room walls.

Jack: Wow. Wait, posters?

Dave: Yeah, posters. The one with you pointing your gun at something, and that giant one of your face staring straight ahead.

Jack: I don't remember posing for any posters.

John: Well, we had them.

Dave: I still have mine. I'll have to show it to you sometime.

Jack: Errrmm yeah.

John: Look what I can do. (Tries a bunny hop and falls off his bike) Owwwww!

(Jack and Dave laugh at him)

Dave: What a douche!

Jack: Yeah, that was classic.

(John gets back on his bike)

John: That wasn't funny. I hurt myself.

Dave: Which makes it funnier.

John quietly to himself: Assholes.

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CTU.

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Tony: Snap!

Edgar: Dammit!

Bill: How are you so good at this?

Tony: I had alot of spare time when I got fired.

Bill: You were living alone.

Tony: Exactly.

Edgar: Is Curtis coming in for this new attack?

Bill: I've not rung him yet.

Tony: Let me do it.

Bill: No, you'll be abusive.

Tony: I'm not abusive, you stupid old bastard.

Edgar: You're right Bill, he is abusive.

Tony: FUCK YOU (Points to Edgar) FUCK YOU (Points to Bill) AND FUCK YOU (Points to Random CTU Guy)

RCG: What I do?

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Brick's Hotel Room.

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(Brick and his henchmen are playing Charades. Henchman #1 is acting out "Godzilla)

Brick: It's a film.

(Henchman #1 holds up one finger)

Brick: One word.

(Henchman #1 acts like a monster)

Brick: Your a zombie?

(Henchman #1 shakes his head)

Brick: A... robot?

(Henchman #1 shakes his head)

Brick: A... monster?

(Henchman #1 nods)

Brick: So, a one word monster movie? Hmmmmm... Gigli?

(Henchman #1 shakes his head)

Brick: Hmmmm. Where is Henchman #2 with my coffee?

(Henchman #1 shrugs and acts like a monster again)

Brick: Are you... Godzilla?

(Henchman #1 smiles and nods)

Brick: Yess!

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Hallway Outside Brick's Apartment.

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(A man carrying a Starbucks coffee cup is walking towards the door. Just as he gets there, Jack grabs him from behind and slits his throat)

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Brick's Apartment.

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(Henchman #1 leaves the room to go toilet. A knock is heard at the door)

Brick: That'll be #2 with my coffee. (He gets up to answer it. When he opens the door, John enters the room, followed by Jack, who punches him in the face)

Jack: He'll be out for a while.

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Brick's Bathroom.

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(Henchman #1 is struggling on the toilet)

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Brick's Main Room.

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(Jack has phoned CTU)

Bill: CTU, Buchanan speaking.

Jack: Bill, it's Jack. We have the Brick.

Bill: Good, good, question him about the bomb and find out if he is working with anyone else.

Jack: Got it. (Hangs up) Dave, tie him up, John, remove that body from the corridor. (Sips the coffee he took from Henchman #2) Mmmmm good coffee.

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CTU.

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(Bill calls Curtis at his house)

Bill: Hello Curtis.

Curtis: Sup Bill. Why you call a brother at this time?

Bill: We need you here 'cos we are in a national crisis.

Curtis: Awwww shit! Can't those damn terrorist work during the day like everyone else!

Bill: They must have the night shift. You better head over here ASAP.

Curtis: You calling me a sap biatch!

Bill: No. Just get in here. (Hangs up)

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Brick's Hotel Room.

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(Jack, Dave and John have tied up the Brick and are interrogating him)

Brick: Yeah, I planted the bomb.

Jack: Brick! (Giggles) Why did you do it! No one likes the French, but still a nuclear bomb?. Who are you working for? (Jack points his gun at Brick's leg)

Dave: He's sooo good.

John: Hey shouldn't we have been shot by now? I mean we didn't even have any trouble capturing this guy.

Dave: Shut up man, you'll jinx us!

(Henchman #1 pops out and fatally wounds John)

Dave: HA! Told you so!

(Jack kills the henchman and goes back to interrogating The Brick)

John to Dave: I just wanted to be loved! (Dies)

Dave: You were loved, John. You were loved. (Cries)

Jack to The Brick: WHY DID YOU PLANT THE BOMB? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR? (Shoots The Brick in the leg) TELL ME!

Brick: AARRRGGGHHHHHH! OK, OK, his name is Capone, Bert Capone.

Jack: Thank you. You've been very co-operative. Dave, watch him.

(Takes out his cellphone, and dials CTU)

Tony: CTU, Almeida speaking.

Jack: Tony, it's Jack. I need a search on the name Bert, B-E-R-T, Capone, C-A-P-O-N-E, and any results sent to my screen.

Tony: Hehe Bert.

Jack: This is serious Tony. (Hangs up) Hehe Bert. (Turns to see Dave poking Brick with a pen) Hey, quit hogging.

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CTU.

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Curtis: Sup homeys, C-dizzle in the house!

Tony: Sup Homie.

Curtis: I thought you left?

Tony:... (Walks off in a rage mumbling to himself)

Curtis: Touchy. So whats the dealio. Is some trip mutha dissin' our bitches?

Bill: OK Curtis, we get it. You're Black.

Edgar: Jack has found out who The Brick is working for, and I just sent the info to him on his PDA.

Curtis: Nice work. So is there anything out in the field I can do?

Tony: Not really, just go sit down and look busy.

Curtis: Can I call my ho's?

Bill: I told you before about this Curtis!

(Curtis walks off depressed)

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Brick's hotel room.

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(Jack looks at his PDA)

Dave: Where do we need to go Jack?

Jack: A creepy warehouse 'bout 20 minutes from here. By car. Damn!

Dave: How we supposed to get a car?

Jack: Curtis can bring us one. (Takes out his cell and dials CTU)

Curtis: CTU, Curtis speaking.

Jack: Curtis, can you bring us a car?

Curtis: Course I can, bia-

Bill: Uh-uh.

Curtis: Jack.

Jack: Thanks. (Hangs up)

Curtis: Well I'm off to help Jack.

Bill: Curtis, take a CTU car, not your own, you know how much the fluffy dice annoy Jack.

Curtis: He never told me they annoyed him.

Bill: Oh, he probably didn't want to tell you in case you popped a cap in his ass.

Tony: It's true.

Curtis: Goddammit! Stop stereotyping the Black man.

Bill: So Tony, Why ARE you back anyway?

Tony: Next son of a bitch asks me that, I'ma gonna kick his ass.

Michelle: Tony? Why are you here?

(Tony stifles anger, stares and then walks away)

Bill: Welcome back, Michelle.

Tony: SHE GETS A 'WELCOME BACK', AND ALL I GET IS PEOPLE ASKING ME WHY I'M HERE. WHAT GIVES?

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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CTU.

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Chloe: Edgar, did you notice the evil look in Tony's eye?

Edgar: Yeah, I did. I think he might kill someone before the day is over.

Tony from the other end of the room: YOUR DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU FAT ASSHOLE.

Edgar to Chloe: I'm big boned, the stupid unemployed bum.

Chloe: Bill, can't you get rid of Tony, he's scaring me.

Bill: I'd love to, I really would, but the higher ups want him to stay. Something about him being a hero or summin'.

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CTU Car.

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(Curtis pulls up next to Jack and Dave)

Curtis: Jack, errrr I can't remember your name.

Jack: It's Dane.

Dave: Dave.

Curtis: Whatever homes, just get in my ride.

Jack: There better not be any furry dice in here. Wait a minute. (To Dave) How are you still alive? Shouldn't you have died by now?

Dave: Well we are going to see the Head honcho now so it could still happen.

Jack: Hmm, my miracle survival skills are rubbing off on you. From now on, you shall be known as my Padawan.

Curtis: Like in Star Wars?

Jack: Nerd... But yes, just like in Star Wars.

Dave: Should I call you Master?

(Jack pauses thinking - Hmmmm could be fun having an underling)

Jack: Well, If you insist.

Dave: Awesome!

Jack: How far are we from the warehouse, Curtis?

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Montage of scenes from CTU, Jack his Padawan and Curtis and a hotdog vendor selling his whares to a banker.

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CTU.

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Chloe: Tony seems to have calmed down now.

Edgar: Yeah, but he still seems a bit peeved.

Chloe: Shall I go get him a Snickers from the machine?

Edgar: I'll go. I'm getting a bit hungry.

(Edgar goes to the machine and rattles around in his pocket and gets some change out. Puts money in and presses snickers button. No response)

Edgar: DAMN!

(Walks over to Tony and tells him what happened. Tony smiles evilly and turns his gun on the machine and riddles it with bullets. Edgar then proceeds to get the Snickers and gives it to Tony who seems content now)

Random CTU Guy: Hey, that guy shot the machine. FREE CHOCOLATE FOR EVERYONE!

(Everyone turns to Tony, who is walking down a dark corridor, sillhoetted by a light at the end of it. He stops to take a bite of his Snickers)

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CTU Car.

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(Curtis is humming the tune to Miami Vice)

Jack: Hey Curtis could you stop that, buddy cop shows piss me off.

(Curtis looks disheartened and stares longingly at the rearview mirror wishing his fluffy dice were here, running a red light and nearly hitting a ho he knows who flips him off)

Curtis leaning out of window and flipping the ho off: Back at ya bitch!

Jack: So, young padawan, are you ready to face your first real test?

Dave: Yes Master.

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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Jack: Now, what drink do you want with your meal?

(The car is in a McDonalds drive-thru)

Dave: A Coke, ooo Diet.

(Jack looks at him funny)

Dave defensively: What? I like the taste.

Curtis A la Mr. T: Ain't no fruity diet drinks being consumed in my ride, foo!

(Jack orders a Diet anyway. Dave pokes his tongue out at Curtis, who whines at Jack)

Jack: What? I need to lose weight, dammit.

Curtis, now with 2 chains round his neck, still talking like Mr. T: What did I say bout diet beverages in my ride?

Jack: Just drink your milk.

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Montage as drinks are drunk and free chocolate is eaten.

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(Slurping their sodas, they pull up at the warehouse)

Jack: Dave, stay here and guard the car, Curtis come with me.

Dave: But what if I get shot at?

Jack: The cars bulletproof. You're alright as long as you don't open any windows.

(Jack and Curtis leave the car and walk towards the warehouse)

Jack: Curtis take that bling off it makes too much noise.

Curtis: I ain't never takin' my bling off, fool!

Jack: Take it off, or I shoot you.

Curtis: I'm taking it off.

(Jack and Curtis split up and Jack quietly phones CTU)

Edgar: CTU, Stiles here.

Jack: Could you get me infra-red satellite footage of the warehouse I'm at?

Edgar: Give me a second. (Runs and collects some m&m's from the broken machine, then runs back) OK, satellite, infra-red, coming up. Just give me a sec.

(Jack starts to hum the Miami Vice theme)

Jack: Damn you Curtis!

Edgar: Got it Jack. There are 2 hundred men inside.

Jack:...WhatTheFuck!

Edgar: Only kidding there are 6 men. (Background laughter can be heard with Tony audible: Gullible Fool)

Jack: Bastards!

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Back at the CTU car, Dave is listening to the radio.

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Dave singing along: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha. (Knock on car door, it's Kim Bauer)

Kim: Let me in, I'm being chased.

(Dave thinking - Well Jack said I should keep the doors closed and he is my Master, but it's Kim and she's hot and in trouble, and she is the Master's daughter. Hmmmmm... this is a conundrum)

Dave radios Jack: Jack, Kim is here and she says she is in trouble should I let her in?

Jack: Dave you son of a bi... (Gunshots are heard on the radio as Jack's position is compromised)

Dave: Oh.

(Lets in Kim anyway)

Kim: Hey, thanks.

Dave: Don't mention it.

(A bum that was chasing Kim bangs on the window)

Bum: Hey man, got any change?

Dave: Go away you bum!

Bum: Got any change?

Kim: He wouldn't go away when I said I didn't have any.

Dave: Well do you?

Kim: No... OK I have a bit.

Dave: A bum knows when people have change and lie. It's kind of eerie.

(Kim sighs and throws some change through the window)

Bum: Thank you. Have a nice day now.

Kim: Thanks again. Now how I can re-pay you?

(Dave grins)

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Cut to Jack, shooting bad guys.

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Jack: Curtis, how you doing?

Curtis: I just shot one mofo in the head.

Jack: Sweet. I've got Capone pinned down.

Curtis: Behind you Jack.

(Jack turns round and sees Curtis holding Capone. Looks back and then kills henchman he thought was Capone then turns to Curtis)

Jack: Good work homie. Let's get him back to the car.

(They leave and head back to the car to find Dave and Kim singing along to Dragostea Din Tei)

Curtis: Who's that with Dave?

Jack: Thats my daughter.

Curtis: That's Kim? Daaaamn!

Jack: Shut it!

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CTU.

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Bill: Edgar, can you pass me a Mars bar?

Tony: Bill, he's got it all over the phone! (Quietly to himself) Fat sack of crap.

Chloe: He's not fat, he's cuddly and lovable.

Tony: Are you and him...? Dear God, what would the children look like?

Bill shuddering: Tony, don't be disgusting.

(Phone rings, Edgar answers)

Edgar: Bill, it's Jack. He's got Capone.

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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Montage of CTU car, President Logan, and random CTU agents eating chocolate.

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President Logans office.

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(Mike Novick knocks and then enters)

Logan: Yes Mike?

Novick: You wanted to know when CTU had Bert Capone in custody.

Logan: Oh, yes, yes good.

Novick: Sir, are you ok? You seem preoccupied.

Logan: It's nothing really. Keep me posted Mike.

Novick: Yes Mr. President.

(Novick exits, and Logan picks up the phone and dials)

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CTU Holding Cells.

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(Jack is interrogating Capone)

Jack: Why did you have a bomb planted in the french embassy?

Capone: I wanted to show those cheese eating surrender monkeys that they are not immune to terrorism.

Jack now eating a Twinkie: Between you and me, I think the French deserve terrorism. But at least do it in THEIR country, and don't get me involved.

Dave: Yes, my Master cannot allow people to be harmed on his country's soil.

Jack: Dave.

Dave: Yes Master?

Jack: Shut It. (Dave looks forlorn) Now Capone, have you planted any other bombs in the U.S?

Capone: I was only hired to run the embassy job. You will have to ask my employer about any other bombs.

Jack: Who hired you? (Brief pause) WHO HIRED YOU?

Dave rather weakly: Tell us his name please.

(Kim enters the room)

Kim: Dad. Can I have my job back here?

Jack: What? I don't know, go and ask Bill, I'm busy.

(Kim leaves wondering if her dad likes to torture people as Tony, staring through the 2 way mirror, makes faces at Jack)

Tony: HEHEHE!

Jack: I know what your doing Tony, so stop it.

Tony: Killjoy.

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Bill's office.

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(Kim Enters)

Bill: Yes Kim?

Kim: I was wondering, could I possibly have my old job back, please?

Bill: I don't know Kim, we already have enough computer guys. (Grins) But there is something you could do to convince me.

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Interrogation Room/Bill's Office.

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Jack: Watch him Dave, I've got to see Buchanan about something.

(Jack heads to Bill's office and enters to Bill and Kim singing Drogostea Din Tei)

Jack: What is with this song?

(He starts to hum the song)

Jack: Dammit!

Bill: Oh Jack, has Capone talked yet?

Jack: No. I need to know if I can use any force on him?

Bill: Yes, President Logan said use whatever it takes.

Jack: WOHOO!

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Interrogation Room.

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Jack: Right Capone, you won't break, I'll break you. (Lifts up a briefcase, puts it on the table and opens it. Inside are some headphones, and a cd player) We're going to try a little audio torture. (He puts the headphones on Capones head, plugs them into the cd player, blindfolds him and presses play. Dragostea Din Tei begins to play, on repeat)

Capone: Nooooooooooo.

(Jack leaves the room)

Jack: Tony, lock him in for about half an hour, and don't let anyone near him.

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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CTU Main Floor.

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(Jack with another Twinkie in his hand approaches Curtis)

Curtis: Sup Bauer!

Jack: Not alot Manning! Edgar, do you have anything from Capone's computer?

Edgar: Porn, porn, porn, Counter Strike, porn, e-mail to his mom, e-mail to someone called Sahib Hussain, File called 'Money', e-mail from someone known simply as 'Mr. X.

Tony passing whilst eating a Bounty: The e-mail to his mum was a riot.

Jack: Anything worth checking up on?

Edgar: Well the file "Naughty cheerleaders" is good.

Jack: Edgar.

Edgar: Oh, sorry. Well the "Money" file doesn't give us any leads but it does come up with the name Sahib Hussain again.

Jack: What does the e-mail to him say?

Edgar: "Bomb planted". Sounds suspicious.

Tony eating as he talks: Very suspicious. But who's this Mr. X? Chloe, trace these will ya, and bring me a Klondike Bar.

Chloe: Why am I getting things for everybody today?

Jack: Quiet bitch, and get him his candy.

Curtis: It's Biatch. Bi-a-tch. Jesus, am I the ONLY black man around here.

Jack: Hey, Curtis does that man have your fluffy dice!

Curtis: What! I pity the Fool if he has my dice! (He storms off)

Jack: Hehehe.

Chloe: Here's your candy Tony. Now let me trace those e-mails would ya.

Tony: Hey Michelle, where'd you disappear to?

Michelle: Went for a big mac and fries, then to the bathroom.

Curtis: I got my furry dice back off that guy. He won't walk for a while.

Jack: Uh...Curtis. That man didn't have your fluffy dice, I just said that so you'd go away.

Curtis looks at the dice: Oh, yeah, mine are black and these are pink. (Shuffles away)

Tony: A Big Mac and fries! And you didn't even offer me one? Jeez.

Michelle: You don't even work here anymore.

Tony has a calm anger about him: You need help on a day like this don't you?

Jack: Unfortunately Tony is right Michelle.

Tony: HA! In your face! (Goes off eating his Klondike bar)

Michelle: Did something crawl up his ass? He seems touchy whenever somebody mentions that he doesn't work here.

(Tony runs at Michelle, jumps and kicks her to the floor)

Jack: You alright, Michelle. Nice Kick dude. I'd give it a 9.7.

Tony: 9.7! 9.7! THAT'S BULLSHIT. THAT WAS A 9.9 IF I EVER SAW ONE!

Jack: You botched the landing a tiny bit.

Tony: Botched landing my ass.

Edgar: Jack, Mr. X is Jaseam Marwan. Habib Marwan's Brother.

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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Jack: Habib Marwan's Brother? Why is he coming after me though?

Tony: You did drop his brother.

Jack: He cut my hand, I couldn't hold him.

Tony: Always an excuse with you isn't there.

Michelle slightly groggy: Maybe he wants revenge against you for stopping that nuke hitting LA?

Edgar: Maybe you ran over his cat?

(Everyone looks at Edgar, then they realise what they are doing and look away)

Edgar: What? My neighbour tried to kill me when I did that.

Jack: Well I think we should see what Capone says about Jaseam.

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Interrogation Room.

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Jack: What can you tell us about Jaseam Marwan?

Capone: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha.

Jack: Dammit! Stupid music! (Slaps Capone) Tell me about Jaseam Marwan!

Capone: Who?

Jack: Don't mess with me or I will get angry. And then I will have to let my associate in here. He destroyed a chocolate machine earlier, hence the abundance of chocolate. (Shows Capone a Snickers) But he is still angry.

Tony from behind the mirror: Yeah I am Biatch!

Curtis: You got it right man. Good for you!

Capone: All I know is that he meets me at an apartment on 4th St.

Jack: Tony! Let's get to that address now!

Tony, with a mouth full of Mars bar: Orite.

Curtis: I'm coming too.

Jack: What apartment number?

Capone: 626.

Jack: Got it, lets go.

Bill: Curtis your staying. This can be your punishment for beating up Pete.

Curtis: Oh Damn!

Bill: Take Dave with you Jack.

Jack: Yo! Padawan! Move out!

Dave: Yes Master.

Tony: Can he call me Master?

Jack: ...No.

Tony: But I wanted a niiiiicknaaaaaame.

Jack: You can be Pouty Mckickintheface, how bout that?

Tony: ...I LIKE IT.

Dave: Wow, THE Tony Almeida, the man who shot the chocolate machine!

Tony: I've done more than that. I've helped Jack stop 4 major terrorist acts.

Dave: Yeh, but you shot the machine and now there's free chocolate everywhere.

Jack: Mmmm gotta love that free chocolate.

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President Logan's Office.

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Former President David Palmer enters: You called for me Sir?

Logan: Ah, yes David. Have a seat, I need your opinion on something.

Palmer: What can I help you with?

(He holds up 2 pairs of trousers)

Logan: Which pair should I wear for my re-election speech?

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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Montage of Jack, Tony and Dave; Jaseam Marwan and his men and Edgar licking up his chocolatey mess.

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Apartment 626, 4th St.

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Jaseam: Hit me.

Henchman #2: A six.

Jaseam: Dammit! I bust. (Sighs) I'm worried about Capone. He should have called by now.

Henchman #1: Do you think Jack Bauer has something to do with it?

Jaseam: DON'T EVER SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN! (Hits Henchman #1. To Henchman #2) You can now be my #1.

New Henchman #1: Wohoo!

New Henchman #2: Oh, man. It took me ages to get that position.

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Outside the apartment block.

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Dave: Oooooo, Master are you drawing up a plan for us to capture Jaseam?

Jack: No. (Shows a doodle of the CTU logo) I got bored.

Dave: That's awesome, Master. You should exhibit your work.

Tony: Are you always such a kissass, Dave?

Dave: Only to my Master, Pouty.

Tony: You'll pay for that. (Crazily) You'll all pay. (Points to Jack and Dave)

(Jack and Dave exchange glances)

Jack: Well let's go. Jaseam should be inside and we need to capture him before he sets off a bomb. Even if it is the French that may die from it.

Dave: Well said Master.

Jack beaming: Thanks!

Tony quietly: Suck up.

(Jack, Dave and Tony get out of the car and start walking toward the building. A hot girl walks by, grabbing Jack's attention)

Jack: Hey baby. How's about you and I get together for some FREAK loving?

Tony: Hey Jack, keep your mind on getting Jaseam.

(Hot girl leaves)

Jack: Damn you Tony, always halting my mojo.

Tony: At least you have mojo. (Starts to sob) Michelle left me again after our fourth attack.

Jack: There, there. (Comforts Tony) Want a Mars bar?

Tony: Uh-huh. (Takes Mars bar and starts to open it) Why is it melted?

Jack: Oh, it's been in my pocket, sorry.

Tony: S'orite. I like them melted.

Jack: Yeah. So...Michelle left you again, eh? That's terrible man. So...that means she's single again, right? I may have a shot.

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Clock. Adverts. Clock.

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CTU.

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Curtis: Yo Bill, wanna come surfin' for some ho's?

Bill: No, I have more important things to do. Like saving lives.

Curtis: Suit yourself. Edgar you up for some fun?

Edgar: If there's something more fun than licking chocolate off a keyboard, I haven't done it.

Curtis: Does anyone wanna come surfin' for ho's with me?

Kim: I'll come.

(Edgar, Bill and Curtis all stare, then think about it. They all grin broadly)

Chloe hits Edgar: Stop smiling, bitch. You're mine.

Curtis: Le's go Kim, We takin' my pimped lowrider.

Kim: Can I shout abuse at them?

Curtis: Hell yeah, they ho's, they don't have like, feelings or nothing.

Kim: Cool. Let's ride biatch.

-----

Montage of Jack, Tony and Dave getting into position, Kim and Curtis getting into Curtis' pimpmobile and Edgar still licking chocolate off of his keyboard.

-----

Apartment 626.

-----

(Knock on door)

Henchman 1: Who is it?

Dave: Pizza dude.

Henchman 2: Sweet, pizza.

Jaseam: Which of you two ordered a pizza?

Both henchmen together: Him?

Jaseam: Damn, it's a trap. #2, stall them. #1, out the back window and down the fire escape.

(Henchman #1 opens the window and looks down)

Tony: Freeze Mutha Fucker!

Henchman #1 leaning back in: Jaseam! There's a guy down there, he seems pissed off, and not very polite.

Jaseam: Henchmen. Looks like you twoare going to have to sacrifice yourselves for me. I'm gonna miss losing to you at Blackjack and all the things we have been through.

(Flashback of the three of them running along the beach singing Dragostea Din Tei interrupted by Jack Bauer entering and capping the henchmen)

Jaseam: Dammit! We had a nice moment going on!

Jack: Sorry.

Jaseam: Ah, they weren't important. I suppose you're going to ask me what I'm planning, right?

Jack: Yeah, and-

Jaseam: Where the other bombs are planted?

Jack: That too, and also-

Jaseam: Does this have anything to do with you dropping my brother?

Jack: You psychic or something?

Jaseam: Not really, I've just seen a lot of American hero movies.

Jack: So?

Jaseam: Well I know your ego is likeJ.Lo's assand I planned the bombs so that when you found out I was behind them, you would come after me and I could exact revenge for my brother's death.

Jack: Well that's two out of three. Where are the other bombs?

Jaseam: You think I will tell YOU, Jack Bauer, the man who killed my brother? (Laughs)

Jack: Well if I wait outside will you tell him? (Points at Dave who smiles knowing Jack is talking about him)

Jaseam: No. I will tell you and your fellow CTU agents if you hand yourself over to me with no resistance so that I can avenge my brother and kill you.

-----

Outside.

-----

Tony: What the hell's going on up there?

-----

Montage of Jack aiming his gun at Jaseam, Dave looking stunned and Tony outside looking confused.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

-----

Outside the apartment Building.

-----

(Tony is shoving a tramp)

Tony: Go on, fuck off. Go drink some turps, ya filthy tramp.

(Dave leaves the building)

Dave: Jack sent me down to tell you that Jaseam wants to take him hostage and kill him.

Tramp: Got any spare change Sir?

Dave: YOU! I gave you some change earlier. Go away!

(Starts shooeing the tramp away)

Tony: Jaseam wants Jack? What has Jack decided to do?

Dave: He's going to call President Logan right now.

-----

Apartment 626.

-----

(Jack calls President Logan)

-----

President Logan's Office/Apartment 626.

-----

(Logan answers the phone)

Logan: Yello. Jack: Mr. President, it's Jack Bauer.

Logan: What about him?

Jack: No, it's Jack Bauer on the phone.

Logan: OK, put him through.

Jack: I AM THROUGH. I'M SPEAKING TO YOU NOW.

Logan: Oh Jack, hello. How are you?

Jack: I'm good sir. Now-

Logan: How's Bill handling the Marwan situation?

Jack: He's doing well Sir. About Marwan, he wants to exchange information about further bombs for my life.

Logan: Seriously? Wonder why he wants you?

Jack: Maybe because I let his brother die.

Logan: Jack, I'm disappointed in you.

Jack faking agreement: Of course you are Sir, but now I need to talk about the situation I've found myself in.

Logan: What situation would that be?

Jack: A terrorist is willing to give us information about any remaining bombs, in return for my life.

Logan: Wouldn't a nice watch be enough for him?

Jack: I don't think that would be apropriate Mr. President.

Logan: Shame, I have a good Rolex that I don't really have any need for. Oh Well.

Jack grinning: Well Sir. He may want that too.

Logan: Splendid. I'll have it sent to CTU. I'll address it to you and you can give it to him. Goodbye Jack.

Jack: No Sir wait! (Hears the dial tone) Dammit!

-----

CTU.

-----

Bill: Thanks Tony, I'll pass on the message. Everybody, listen Up. The terrorist that Jack and has been pursuing, Jaseam Marwan, has said that he will tell us the other bomb locations, in return for the life of Jack Bauer. So here's the plan - Edgar will send all field teams to that address, while Jack gets the bomb locations from Jaseam. Once we have the locations, all teams will move in on the building. Edgar, re-locate all tactical units.

Edgar: I'll use the computer. (Closes his solitaire game and taps a few keys)

Computer (a la HAL 9000): I'm afraid I can't let you do that Dave.

Edgar: I'm not Dave. (Tries again)

Computer: I still can't let you do that Dave. (Edgar hits the computer and tries again)

Edgar: OK. That's better. It's done Sir.

Bill: Good. Contact Jack and tell him the plan.

Curtis: Yo homes? Do I get to go with them? Can I cap some terrorist punks ass?

Bill: Alright Curtis, you can go out again. But no capping of asses, unless they try to kill you first. Got it?

Curtis: Damn bitch, that ain't no fun.

Bill: Where's Kim.

Curtis: Uhhhh.

Bill: You lost Kim? How?

Curtis: Well, we were cruising for ho's right, when all of a sudden she asks me to pull over, gets out of the car, and starts hitting this bitch, screaming that it's "her turf". Then the girl's pimp comes out of this club right, and thats when I floored it outta there.

Bill: Well if Jack asks, tell him she went home.

Curtis: You got it.

Edgar: Sir, we need more chocolate for the machine.

Chloe: Don't worry Eddy, I've already ordered more.

Edgar: YAY!

Curtis: Eddy?

Chloe: Yeh, Eddy. Got a PROBLEM with that?

Curtis: No Ma'am.

Chloe: Good. (Chocolate delivery guy arrives)

CDG: Where d'ya want this chocolate?

Bill: Just tip it out on the floor over there in front of the machine.

CDG: Whoa! What happened to this machine?

Edgar: It angered me.

CDG: Errrr, O...K... Well sign here please.

(Bill signs the form and the delivery guy leaves)

Edgar: Mmmmmmmmmm.

Bill: How much of that can you eat?

Edgar: If I try, twice my body weight.

Bill: Sweet christ, that's a lot of chocolate.

Chloe: You calling my Eddy fat?

Bill: Not directly.

Curtis: He is a fatass though. Seriously.

(Chloe flashes Curtis an evil look)

Curtis: Well I'm off. (Walks out quickly)

Bill: Do I hear my phone ringing? (Walks briskly to his office)

Edgar: Thanks Chloe.

Chloe: No probs Eddy.

Edgar: So...you wanna go somewhere for 10 minutes?

Chloe: Ooh, Eddy.

(They pick up an armful of chocolate and head outside)

-----

Apartment 626.

-----

Jack: Well Jaseam, I'm all yours. (Puts down his gun) Now tell me where the other bombs are and once CTU confirms them I'll go wherever you want.

Jaseam: Very well.

(Jack turns on his microphone, so CTU can hear what is said)

Jaseam: There is a bomb behind the Hollywood sign, and one in the basement of this very building, ready to blow up when those CTU men down in the street step through the front door.

Jack: I don't know what you're talking about.

Jaseam: I know you Jack, I know CTU procedure and the loyalty that your fellow agents have for you.

Jack: I ain't that big on procedure. I'd much rather do things my own way. I can assure you that there are no CTU agents outside this building.

CTU Agent Yelling from outside: Hurry up will ya, I have to go pee.

Jack: Stupid ass.

Jaseam: Tell your men to leave or I will have to have my revenge quicker than I would like.

Jack: Dammit! (On the radio) Stand down men.

CTU Agent: I need a pee so bad! (Goes behind a dumpster) Ahhhhhh.

-----

Clock.Adverts.Clock.

-----

(CTU Agent is still peeing)

Jack: That is one loooooooonng piss.

Jaseam: I have not heard a piss like that since I shared a room with some camels.

(Jack gives him a look)

Jaseam: It was nothing unseemly or anything. I was just letting them stay with me for a friend.

Jack: Okaaay. Shouts down to street Get on with it and go back to CTU!

CTU Agent finishes peeing: I'm done.

Tony: Okay men, let's get back to CTU! (Winks at Dave)

Dave: Are you hitting on me?

Tony: NO! (Whispers) We just send the other agents back and secretly follow Jack and Marwan.

Dave: Oh right! (Winks back at Tony) Okay. Let's head back to CTU.

-----

CTU.

-----

Bill: Edgar, have you seen Jimmy?

Edgar: Who's Jimmy?

Bill: You know, Jimmy. about 6'4, dark hair, stubbly.

Edgar: Doesn't ring a bell.

Bill: Also known as Random CTU Guy.

Edgar: Oh, him. He's over there.

Bill: Thanks. (Walks off)

Chloe: I've brought you more chocolate Eddy.

Edgar: Oh thanks! I think I may have to start pacing myself with the chocolate, I'm feeling kinda weird. I've had so much I've put all the wrappers together and made this. (Shows her a ball of wrappers with elastic bands around it)

Chloe: Wow!

(Curtis comes over)

Curtis: That's a nice ball Edgar.

Edgar beaming: Thanks.

Curtis: Hey Bill, Jimmy, come see Edgars ball.

(They come over)

Bill: Nice ball.

Jimmy: Uh, whatever the boss said.

(Edgar's phone rings)

Edgar answers: CTU, Edgar here.

Tony: Yeah Edgar, it's Tony.

Edgar: It's Tony everyone. Say hi! (Holds up the phone)

Crowd around Edgar: Hi Tony!

Tony: Sup people! (Edgar is back on) Hey Edgar, Jaseam knew that we were outside so I have sent the other agents back there, me and Dave will-

Edgar: Ooooo how is Dave doing?

Tony: He's good. So anyway-

Edgar: Put him on?

Tony: Oook (Puts Dave on the phone)

Dave: Yello?

Edgar: Hey Dave, How you doing?

Dave: Ummm, I'm fine. How are you?

Edgar: My chest hurts a bit.

Curtis shouting: FATASS ATE TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE!

Edgar: Shut it!

Dave to Tony: His chest hurts.

Tony: That's cos he's scoffing down chocolate, fat asshole.

Dave: Curtis said that. Why are you two so mean to him?

Tony: No reason.

Dave: Oh. (Back to Edgar) Me and Tony are going to follow Jack and Marwan and try to rescue Jack.

Edgar: Right. Good Luck.

Dave: Thanks.

Tony: Tell him to save me some chocolate?

Dave: Tony wants you to save him some chocolate.

Edgar to Chloe: Tony wants me to save him some chocolate.

Chloe: Don't you save him anything Eddy Bear. He's always mean to you.

Edgar to Dave: Tell him I'll try.

Dave: Okay. (Hangs up)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack: Where are you taking me?

Jaseam: We are going for a little ride Jack. To my parents!

Jack: Oh. Crap. Are they angry about your brother's death too?

Jaseam: Oh errrrr just a little.

Jack: I see. I just have one question.

Jaseam: You sure it's just one question? Because I've had people say that to me before and it's actually 5 or 6 questions. Who are you? What's that you're lubing up? It has to reach where, You know stuff like that.

Jack: I'm sure it's just one question.

Jaseam: Go Ahead.

Jack: Why the Hollywood sign? I mean, yeah it would look great in an explosion but it can't kill that many people. Why not place it in a more pedestrian setting?

Jaseam laughing: There is no bomb in the Hollywood sign! You think I am crazy?

Jack: Well. Yeah.

Jaseam: Well I'm not, okay?

Jack: Yeah, whatever. So where is the real bomb?

Jaseam: It's in a safe place.

-----

CTU Basement.

-----

(Semtex is seen hidden in the boiler room)

-----

Hallway outside Boiler Room.

-----

(2 guards are walking past)

Guard 1: Why do we even have a boiler room anyway? There ain't no radiators here.

Guard 2: It's just where terrorists put the explosives during a national crisis.

Guard 1: Like today?

Guard 2: Yeah. Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I'm thinking.

Guard 1: Yeah, we ain't had our break yet.

Guard 2: Man, let's get to the canteen.

-----

CTU car.

-----

(Dave and Tony are singing along to the radio)

Dave and Tony: Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-ha, Ma-ia-ha-ha.

Dave: I love this song!

Tony: These guys rule!

Dave: I seen them live once.

Tony: Sweet.

Dave: They invited me onto the stage with them to sing along.

Tony: Was this last August at the Arrowhead Pond?

Dave: Yeah it was. Were you there?

Tony: 6th Row, centre baby!

Dave: Ooooo. Hey, Jack and Marwan have pulled into a residential area, they are slowing down.

Tony: I once dated a woman who lives in this street.

Dave: Sweet. Which house?

Tony: The red one. Can't miss it.

(Jack and Marwan pull into the drive of the red house)

Dave: Errr Tone?

Tony: Yeah I see. This ain't good.

Dave: Oh shit dude, is that her?

(Out of the house comes an elderly arab lady of about 70)

Tony suspiciously: No, No. She must have moved or something.

Dave sees straight through this: Eeeeeew, weeeeak.

Tony: It was during my drinking days alright.

Dave: Yeh, but still.

Tony: She looked alot younger. Alot like her! (Points to a younger woman coming out of the house)

Dave: She still looks about 50.

Tony: A good 50.

Dave: Just give it up. This must be Marwan's family. They must all want revenge on Jack for Habib's death.

Tony: Seems that way. (The 70 year old looks towards the car) Shit, I think we've been spotted.

Elderly Woman: To herself Antonio? Shouts ANTONIO!

Dave: Antonio? Is that your full name?

Tony: Yeh. Antonio Hugo Almeida.

Dave: HEHEHEHEHE Hugo.

Tony: Damn! I better get out there and make nice. Has Jaseam seen my face?

Dave: Don't think so.

Tony: Good. You stay here, I'll wire up and keep you posted on the situation. If I say "Wiggles" you need to come in and help me, okay?

Dave: Wiggles?

Tony: Yeah. It's the name of my pet snake.

(Dave sniggers)

(Tony sighs and gets out and heads over to the Marwan house. He walks over to the old woman)

Tony: Hey, um, Tookie, how are you?

(Dave mouths 'Tookie)

Tookie: I'm good, I'm good. Jaseam: Tookie?

Tookie: It's a nickname he give me when he painted my house last year. (To Tony) Come, I'll introduce you to the family. (Points to Jaseam) This is my son, Jaseam. (Points to 50 Year Old) This is my daughter, Najji, (Points to Jack) This is the american scum who kill my little Habib. (Spits in his face)

Tony: Bastard (Spits in his face aswell)

Tookie: My husband is inside, you remember him right?

Tony: Bajif? Of course I do.

Tookie: Well let's go in and see him.

(They all enter the house)

Bajif: Ahhhh, Antonio, welcome back. I see you are well.

Tony: Yes thanks. And you?

Bajif: Well I will be when my son is avenged.

Jaseam: Father I have brought the man. I have brought you Jack Bauer.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

-----

CTU. Bill's office.

-----

(Bill is reading a Playboy. Kim enters)

Bill: Hello Kimberly. Where've you been?

Kim: Out street fighting with some skank.

Bill not really paying attention: Excellent.

Kim: Mr Buchanan, I've come to ask for my job back.

Bill emersed in his Playboy: Yeah, Yeah, I'll get right on it.

Kim: Thanks a lot Mr B. Could you also re-hire my fiance aswell, please?

Bill: Whatever.

Kim: I owe you one Mr B. (She leaves)

Bill: Hehehehe Boobies.

-----

CTU Main floor.

-----

Edgar: Hey Curtis, you seem to have nothing to do.

Curtis: Hey biatch, I got plenty to do. Bill's got me doing things left right and centre.

Edgar: Bill's reading a Playboy in his office.

Curtis: Okay, what do you want?

Edgar: Can you pick up a disc from Chloe? She's in computer room 1.

Curtis: Okely dokely.

-----

Computer Room 1.

-----

(Chloe is typing something. Curtis comes over)

Curtis: Hey Chloe, Edgar sent me over to pick up a disc for him. He said you had it.

Chloe: This may be what he's looking for. (Hands Curtis a disc labelled "So you want to be a submissive?") If it's not then it's the other disc on the table there.

(Curtis looks at the other disc. It's labelled "Dungeons and Dragons")

Curtis: Teeheehee. Nerds.

(Grabs both discs and heads back to Edgar. Stopping to pick up some chocolate on the way)

Jimmy: Hey Curtis.

Curtis: Word up Random CTU Guy.

(Hands the discs to Edgar along with a Milky bar)

Curtis: Here's your disc.

Edgar: Thanks.

Jimmy: You hear that Kim and her fiance got re-hired?

Curtis: Fiance? Ah shit, now I'll never get to hit that.

Edgar: I hear he only has one hand.

Curtis: He can't satisfy her with just one hand. Methinks I can steal fine young Kimberly away from Hookboy.

Chase interuppting: It's a prosthetic actually, not a hook.

Curtis: Chase Edmonds I presume?

Chase: Yeah, that's right. I've been re-hired here thanks to Kim.

Curtis: Well I guess your just a regular field agent then.

Chase: Errr yeah.

Curtis: Yay! Someone I can boss about!

(Bill appears from his office)

Chase: Hey Bill.

Bill: Chase, I want you to head out to Jack's location and help Dave and Tony in rescuing him. Take Curtis with you. Curtis listen to Chase okay?

Curtis: Awww Hell!

Chase: C'mon, Curt my good man.

Curtis: Awwww Hell no. He can't even fire a gun with that fake hand of his.

Chase: Yes I can. State of the art animatronics. Looks and feels real. Does whatever I tell it to do. Now lets get Jack.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

-----

Marwan Residence.

-----

Tookie: More tea Tony?

Tony: No thanks.

Jack: I'll have some tea.

Tookie: Shut up scum!

Jaseam: So I told them that the bomb was under the Hollywood sign!

(The Marwans and Tonyall laugh)

Jack: Can I go to the bathroom, please?

Bajif: No you cannot. You can crap when you die, which will be in precisely 7 minutes and 24 seconds.

-----

CTU Car.

-----

(Dave's radio buzzes)

Dave: You're on with the Dave. What's happening?

Edgar: Dave, Curtis and Chase are on their way to help you apprehend Marwan. Could you pass the message on to Tony.

Dave: He went in undercover. Seems he knew one of the women.

Edgar: Really? In what way?

Dave: He did some odd jobs for the family in between working for us.

Edgar: Well good for him.

Dave: So, Chase? You mean Chase Edmonds? Kim's fiance?

Edgar: Yeah. Oooo gotta go. I'm being attacked by a 10th level Black Mage.

Dave: What the- (Edgar stops transmitting) Nerd.

(Dave's phone rings)

Dave: What now? (Answers his phone) Hello?

Curtis: Sup home boy?

Dave: Yo Curtis!

Curtis: Me and Chase Edmonds are heading out to help you dawg!

Dave: Yeah, Edgar just told me. Then a Black Mage attacked him, and he had to leave.

Curtis: Roight, Roight.

Chase: Can I speak to him?

Curtis: Just a second. Dave, Captain Hook here wants to speak to you (Hands Chase the phone)

Chase: Through gritted teeth IT'S..A..PROSTHETIC.

Dave: Hi Chase. It's good to hear from you again.

Chase: Yeah. Last time I spoke to you I was heading to the CTU training ground and you had just failed your exam.

Curtis: Dave failed his exam? (Grabs phone and laughs at Dave down it) HAHA! (Hands phone back to Chase)

Dave: Why did you have to bring that up?

Chase: Sorry.

Dave: S'orite. So you want me to fill you in on the situation here or what?

Chase: Fill me in.

Dave: Okay. Jack has been taken prisoner by Jaseam Marwan, brother of Habib Marwan whom Jack dropped from the 6th storey of a parking garage. They stopped outside Marwan's parent's house. Some time ago, Tony dated one of this domiciles inhabitants,

so he used this cover to infiltrate the home. All seems to be going well, as no shots have been fired, but we have approximately 1 minute to get Jack out of there or he will be dead.

(Chase and curtis have pulled up behind Dave, and are sneaking up to the front of the car)

Chase: Thanks for that. (He is crouching below the door) Now look down out of your window. (Dave does so) Boo! hahaha.

-----

Marwan residence.

-----

Tony:... He's called "Wiggles"

-----

CTU Car.

-----

Dave: That's our call, we go in.

Curtis: Finally some action for the C man!

Chase: Hey, you thought of a nickname for me already. How cool.

Curtis: No, the C-Man is me. YOU are Hook Boy.

Chase: I'll left hook you now!

Dave: Guys, argue about this later, alright. Let's save Jack.

-----

Inside.

-----

Bajif: Now is the time for you to die Mr. Bauer. Jaseam bring him to The Room.

Jack: The Room?

Jaseam: Yes. Your death will be broadcast all over the internet. The great Jack Bauer, dying at the hands of the people he is sworn to stop.

Jack: This isn't the first and won't be the last time I would have died.

Tony: Yeah, he's died before. A couple of times actually.

Jack nodding: It's true.

(Dave, Chase and Curtis burst in)

Curtis: Hand over your weapons, and get down on the floor.

Chase: Yeh, listen to the C-Man.

Tony: Hehe, C-Man, sounds like semen.

Dave: Hey, your right. (They laugh at Curtis)

Curtis: I know that's why I chose it.

(They all give him a worried look)

Jack: Well don't just stand there, untie me will'ya?

(Chase goes to untie him but his hand can't undo the tight knot)

Chase: Damn this useless hand!

Curtis: Bet you wish you had a hook now huh? (Grins at Chase)

Chase: Shut it semen!

Dave sighing: Let me Master.

Jack: Ah, Padawan. Always there in my time of need.

Bajif: My plan shall not be foiled. (Gets out a pistol, and shoots Dave)

Jack: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (Dave falls to the floor, Jack finishes getting free and drags Dave to safety, while Tony, Chase and Semen shoot the Marwans) Where'd the bullet hit you?

Dave: In...my groin.

Jack sniggers: Well, don't worry, okay. We'll get you help. (Jack takes out his cellphone, and calls CTU)

-----

CTU.

-----

Bill: CTU, Bill here.

Jack: Bill, it's Jack, send a medical team out to our location, Dave has been shot in the groin.

Bill: Ah Jack good to hear from you. How are things?

Jack: Errrrr good Sir, I'd like to chat but could you send over medical first?

Bill: Oh yes of course. (To Edgar) Send a medical team to Jack, Dave has been shot in the groin.

Edgar sniggering: Right.

Bill: Jack has any one of the marwans told you the real location of the second bomb?

Jack: Errrmmmm.

Bill: They've all been shot haven't they.

Jack seeing Curtis stabbing one of the marwans multiple times: Not all of them.

Bill: Curtis frantically stabbing one, is he?

Jack: Yeah. Should I stop him?

Bill: Nah, let him go, he'll stop when he's ready. Search the house for any clues as to where that bomb is.

Jack: Can do, Billy Boy. (Hangs up) Okay. Guys, spread out and look for any clues as to where the other bomb is. Jaseam said that the Hollywood sign lead was a dupe.

Curtis: Bastard! (Stabs Jaseam's body)

Jack: You need to help look as well Curtis. But first could you go and wash up?

-----

CTU Boiler Room.

-----

(Timer is shown to activate upon death of Marwan family. It shows 45 minutes and starts to count down)

-----

CTU Cafeteria.

-----

(Edgar, Chloe, Guard 1, Guard 2, and Michelle are sitting round a table)

Edgar: Anybody watch that show yesterday? About the man who has this disease that causes him to suffer temporary facial paralysis whenever he said the word 'It.

Guard1: No, I missed that. I was watching All Star Croc Wrestling.

Guard2 shouting: Another cream pie, Doris.

Chloe also shouting: And more steak please. My Eddy bear needs his sustinence.

(Bill enters)

Bill: Everyone. Jack is safe. (They all cheer) All the Marwans are dead (They all cheer again) But that means that we don't know where the second bomb is.

Michelle: Wouldn't the Marwans have some kind of plans about where the other bomb is?

Bill: That's what we are hoping for. (Shouts to Doris) Can I get a round coffees here? Oh and a cream pie.

Guard2 with a full mouth: They are sooo good.

-----

Back at The Marwans.

-----

(Jack is finishing up with the CTU Medics)

Jack: Look after him. Bye then. (Goes over to Tony) Found anything?

Tony: Nothing yet.

Jack: Keep looking (Goes to Chase) Anything?

Chase: No, but when I do, I'll let you know.

Jack: Good Hookboy, keep looking (Goes to Curtis) You got anything?

Curtis: Man, I ain't found shit.

Jack: There has to be something. There has to be a computer or something around here.

Curtis: You mean we should be looking out for those too? What else we gotta look for?

Chase: Your momma!

Curtis: Shut it Bitch! Or I take your other hand off! (Lunges at Chase)

(Jack blocks his path)

Jack: Cool it. That bomb is our top priority. Got it.

Curtis: He started it.

Jack: Just look upstairs Curtis.

Curtis: Damn sonsabitches, making the black man go upstairs.

Chase: Thanks Jack, I owe you one.

Jack: Don't mention it.

Tony: Hey guys, I just found a hard drive in this liquor cabinet.

Jack: There must be a computer around here somewhere then.

Curtis shouts down from upstairs: Jack I found some computers.

(Jack, Tony and Chase head upstairs)

Curtis: But they all smashed up.

Jack: Coulda told us before we came up here. We're gonna have to take this hard drive back to CTU and have edgar check it out. (Takes out his phone to call CTU)

-----

CTU.

-----

Edgar: CTU, Stiles here.

Jack: Hey Edgar, it's Jack. We've found some computers, but they're all smashed up, and Tony found a hard drive in a liquor cabinet.

Chase to Tony: How did you think of looking there anyway?

Tony: That's where I hid stuff, when I had a liquor cabinet and stuff to hide.

Chase: Cool. Were you hiding naughty mags from Michelle?

Tony: Yeah.

Jack: We'll bring the drive back with us. Bye bye Edgar (Hangs up the phone) Let's move out!

Chase: I call shotgun!

Curtis and Tony: Dammit!

-----

CTU Infirmary.

-----

(Dave is in a bed, with a nurse and Bill in the room)

Dave: Can I have some more morphine please?

Nurse: Sure thing. Injects him with morphine There you go.

Dave: Ahhhhhhh (Looks all dreamy)

Bill: So hows is he nurse? Will he make it through the night?

Nurse: He got shot in the groin, Mr Buchanan, not the heart. He should be up and about in a few days.

Bill: Can I talk to him?

Nurse: I don't care.

Bill: Thanks Nurse. (To Dave) Dave. Daaaaave.

Dave: Why hello there giant talking Pencil!

Bill: I hear that you are going to be okay. That's good to hear isn't it.

Dave: Do you ever have to sharpen yourself?

Bill: Jack is on his way back here and should arrive in about 10 minutes with information about the second bomb.

Dave: My doctor says I should stop touching myself or I will go blind.

Bill: Very good. I'll send Jack here when he arrives. (Starts to leave)

Dave: Come here, Giant Pencil. I want to chew on your end.

Bill: Alright then. (Begins to undo his belt, but is interrupted by a doctor)

Doctor: Please don't harass my patient Sir. Now get out as we prep him for surgery.

-----

The Marwan's.

-----

(Jack, Tony, Chase & Curtis are walking to the CTU car)

Bum: Got any change sirs?

Jack: You're that Bum that Dave was on about. Stop harassing us dammit!

Bum: Got any change?

Chase whispers to Jack: Shall I shoot him Jack?

Jack: He's just a bum Chase, not a terrorist.

Bum: Change? (He holds a hand out to Curtis) Please?

Curtis: Oh man, look at them puppy dog eyes. (Fumbles around in his pocket for some change) Bottle cap.. lint.. baby powder.. Ah here we go. (Gives bum 55 cents)

Bum: Thanks man. (Walks off)

Jack: Right let's go.

(They get into the car and head to CTU)

-----

CTU Canteen.

-----

(Bill and Guard 1 are sitting at a table)

Guard 1: Me and Larry were passing by the boiler room earlier, and he said something that got me thinking. You know on days like this, terrorist attack days, a bomb is usually planted there.

(Bill nods)

Guard 1: Well, has anyone checked that room for anything today?

(Bill raises his head in shock)

-----

CTU Car.

-----

(Someone farts, Jack opens a window)

Chase: Who was that? (Silence) Anybody?

Tony: It was Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, blame the black man.

Jack: You sure can let 'em rip man.

Curtis: Thanks... Damn!

Tony: Jesus Christ. It burns like hell.

Chase: You have burritos for dinner there Curt?

(Jack's phone rings)

Jack: You're Jacked In. (Pause) Hey Bill (Long pause) A bomb? Where? (Pause) We should have guessed there would be one there really. I'll tell the guys. (Hangs up)

Jack: Guys, Bill has discovered a bomb in the boiler room of CTU. They are attempting to disarm it as we speak.

Tony: Sons of Bitches! Why do we never check CTU whenever there is a major terrorist attack going on?

Curtis: Dunno, but the bastards are gonna pay for this.

(They all look at him)

Chase: Errr Curtis, we killed the Marwans already. They're the ones responsible.

Curtis: Well we made them pay! (Farts again)

All: Curtis!

-----

CTU Boiler Room.

-----

(The bomb disposal experts are kneeling over the bomb)

BDE 1: What we got here then?

BDE 2: Looks like a bomb there, Jerry.

BDE 1: What type of bomb?

BDE 2: An explosive one.

BDE 1: Alrighty then, hand me those wire cutters, will ya.

BDE 2: There you go (Hands the wire cutters over)

BDE 1: Hmmmm, Red or Green?

BDE 2: I like Green.

BDE 1: That's not gonna help me here Carl.

BDE 2: Sorry. This bomb manual I found says that the hidden Blue wire is the one to cut.

BDE 1: Manual?

BDE 2: Yeah I found it behind this other boiler whilst I was peeing.

BDE 1: You peed on the boiler.

BDE 2: No, no. I peed IN the boiler.

(Cut to Edgar getting a glass of water from a tap. He takes a sip and reacts. He goes over to Bill)

Edgar: Bill, taste this. (Hands glass to Bill)

Bill takes a sip and reacts: What did you do to it?

Edgar: Nothing, it was like this from the tap.

Bill: Hmmm. (Walks off with glass sipping as he goes)

(Cut backto boiler room)

BDE 1: So we cut this Blue wire I found?

BDE 2: Yep.

BDE 1: Well here goes. (Cuts wire, stopping the timer) YES! (Radios Bill) Sir? We have disarmed the bomb.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

Bill: Good news everyone.

Edgar: A new batch of chocolate has arrived?

Bill: Yes but-

Edgar: Wohoo!

Bill: The bomb in the boiler room has been disarmed.

Edgar: ALRIIIIGHT. CHOCOLATE!

Chloe: All our lives were saved, and you're only happy that you get chocolate.

Edgar: I'm happy that we ain't dead, but.

Chloe: No buts Edgar, you care more about chocolate than me. I can't carry on a relationship with a man who'd rather eat candy than love me.

Edgar: FINE.

Chloe: FINE.

(Bill comes over)

Bill: Lover's tiff?

Chloe: If he'd rather love chocolate than me then it's over between us. I'm not talking to him.

Edgar: Sir, if I can be excused I need to... errr... do some computer stuff.

Chloe: I bet he's just going to get more chocolate!

Bill: Okay Edgar. I'll send Jack to you once he gets back. Chloe, stop moaning and get me some more chocolate. Michelle... Go and errr... do some work.

Michelle: Righty-o, Bill.

(Bill's phone rings)

Bill: Buchanan.

Jack disguising his voice: Hello, is there a Hugh Jass there please?

Bill: No, Edgar is elsewhere at the moment. Can I take a message?

Jack: Errmm... Ask him who ate all the pies?

Bill: Can do. Who is this message from?

Jack: I.C. Weiner.

Bill: Okay, Thanks for that. I'll tell him right now. (Muffled laughter can be heard on the other end. Hangs up)

(Bill phones Edgar's desk)

Bill: Edgar, I just received a message for you from I.C. Weiner.

Edgar: What did he say?

Bill: He asked, who ate all the pies? That mean anything to you?

Edgar: Ring him back and tell him I don't know.

(Bill re-dials Jack's phone. Jack answers)

Jack: You're Jacked in.

Bill: Is I.C.Weiner there please?

Jack: Fuck Off. (Hangs up) Fucking prank callers.

Bill: Hmmmm. Must have been the wrong number. (Dials again) Hello, I have a message for I.C.Weiner from Edgar. He says he doesn't know about any pies.

Jack again disguising his voice: Ohhh, err tell him it was my mistake. I was meant to call a Hugh Janus, not Hugh Jass. Sorry about the mistake.

Bill: Oh that's okay. Have a nice night sir. (Hangs up)

Jack: Moron.

Bill: Nice chap.

-----

Surgery Prep Room.

-----

Anesthetist: OK Dave, If you could count backwards from 10.

Dave: 10...9...8...7...6 (Falls asleep)

Anesthetist: Okay, he's asleep. (Undoes Zipper) He's all yours Jim.

Surgeon Jim: Right. Let's get to work. Hit it! (2nd surgeon turns on stereo. Dragostea Din Tei plays. Jim hums as he operates)

-----

CTU Car.

-----

Chase: There is nothing else in here that begins with "B" man.

Tony: I'm telling you there is. Do you all give up?

Jack: Yeah.

Curtis: Spose.

Chase: This better be good.

Tony: It's BITCH! Right there! (Points at Curtis and laughs)

Curtis: Why you son of a - (Lunges at Tony)

Tony: Get off me. Get off me.

Jack: Curtis, get off him. We're at CTU. (He pulls over and they get out. The Bum comes over to them)

Bum: Got any change?

Chase: But you were... How the hell did you get here?

Bum: Change Sir?

Jack: I don't care how he got here. Tony. You know what to do.

Tony: Yeh, biatch. (Shoots the bum)

Bum: Damn you, Antonio.

Tony: How'd you know my name?

Bum: Tony, I am your Father.

(Tony Kneeling and holding the Bum's head in his hands looks up at the sky)

Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

-----

CTU.

-----

(Jack and Curtis enter)

Bill: Ahhh Jack, Curtis. Where's Tony and Chase?

Curtis: Yo. That dull fuck Tony capped his dad.

Jack: And Chase is trying to cheer him up.

Bill: Wow tough break. (Pauses) You got the hardrive?

Jack: Yep.

Bill: Well give it to Edgar.

(Tony and Chase enter)

Chase: So you shot your dad, big deal.

Curtis: Why didn't you recognise him?

Tony: Probably 'cos of the beard.

Chase: So you weren't close then?

Tony: Hell no. But he owed me money for like 6 years and now I'll never get it back.

Chloe: Men are insensitive bastards.

Bill: Chloe, you got my chocky?

Chloe: No you insensitive bastard. (Storms off)

Bill: Damn. Hey Jack, have you been to see Dave yet?

Jack: No, Jim's gonna let me know when he's out of surgery.

Jimmy: You what?

Jack: I said Jim. You know the surgeon?

Jimmy: Oh him. (Walks off looking dejected)

Edgar: Did you just upset Jimmy?

Jack: No, I just said that I wasn't talking about him.

Edgar: You said THAT to him? You callous bastard.

Michelle: Who's callous?

Edgar: Jack. He told Jimmy he wasn't talking about him.

Bill: Jack said that? What a bastard.

(The 3 walk off to comfort Jimmy)

Jack: What just happened?

Curtis: You got TOLD!

Tony: He's right Jack. They pwned your ass.

Chase: Oooooo chocolate! Heads over to the chocolate machine (Jack's phone rings)

Jack: You're Jacked in.

Jim: Jack, It's about Dave. We have finished the operation. He is recovering in Infirmary room 101.

Jack: YAY! Thanks Jim.

Jimmy: What?

Jack: Not you... Ooops.

(Jimmy goes off crying)

Jack: Dammit! (Heads to see Dave)

-----

Infirmary Room 101.

-----

(Dave is lying in bed. A nurse is standing by)

Nurse: There you go, Mr Black.

(She adjusts his pillow, glances at his scar and looks over his shoulder. She pokes the scar. Dave shifts uncomfortably)

Dave: Uuuuuuhhh.

Nurse still poking: Poke. Poke. Pokey Poke Poke Poke.

(Jack arrives and the nurse stops)

Nurse: He is still a bit drowsy from the sedative but you can see him Mr.Bauer.

Jack: Thanks. (Goes over to Dave) How's it going young Padawan?

Dave: I feel better Master. Did we get anything from the Marwans?

Jack: Edgar is working on it now.

-----

CTU Edgar's Desk.

-----

(Edgar is humming Dragostea Din Tei)

Tony: OI, LARDO CALRISSIAN, STOP HUMMING THAT GODAWFUL TUNE AND GET THAT INFORMATION OFF THAT HARD DRIVE, WILL YA.

Edgar: Orite. Geez, what's bugging him?

Michelle: How 'bout the fact that he just shot his own father?

Chase: Or that you can't work for more than 6 minutes without eating a Snickers?

Curtis: And that you seem to have a short attention span?

Edgar: I can't help it if I eat a lot. Or that my attention span is lower than Tony's bank balance.

Tony: YOU FATASS! DO YOUR WORK!

Bill from across the room: Well if it's a shouting match you want I'll give you one. TONY, EDGAR, GET TO WORK NOW! AND STOP SHOUTING BECAUSE I WILL BE FORCED TO SHOUT LOUDER!

Tony & Edgar: Yes sir.

Chase: So Edgar what have you got from that disc?

Edgar: 2 Addresses, some phone numbers and a naked photo of some old woman.

Tony: You better print that stuff off.

Edgar: All of it? Even the picture?

Tony: Yeah, all of it.

(Jack comes over, sees whats on the screen and reacts in horror)

Jack: God Edgar, look at personal photos in your own time, christ! You got an address for us?

Edgar: Yeah, the first address is 16 Waterworks Street.

Tony: Dibs on Jack!

Curtis: Damn! I get stuck with Hookboy!

Jack: Okay Tony let's go. (He starts to leave) Meet me out the front in a few mins, I'll get the car.

Edgar: And the second address is 21 Alkirk Close.

Chase: I s'pose me and Curtis will have to go there then.

Curtis: Oh yeah! The C-men have it covered!

Tony: Hehe. Even more semen.

Chase to himself: Why me?

Edgar: And I will check out the phone numbers.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

(Edgar is dialing one of the phone numbers)

Edgar: ...893. (Pause) Hello, who's speaking please? (Pause) I'm just trying to find out something sir. (Pause) No I'm not a telemarketer. (Another pause) A shirt and some trousers, why? (Pause) Oh God. (Hangs up) Freak.

Chloe: Wouldn't it be easier to check those numbers using the computer?

Edgar: I prefer this method, okay?

Chloe: Can I try the next one?

Edgar: Okay. (Dials number) Here. (Hands phone to Chloe)

Chloe: Hello? Who is this?Yes, I'll hold. (To Edgar) It's mailorder.

Edgar: Hmmm. Try and find out what they ordered.

Chloe: Okay. (Waits) Yes, This is CTU. (Pauses) No I can't really prove it. (Pauses) Yes I know Jack Bauer. He's a friend of mine. (Pauses) Yes, I'll hold. Stupid holding.

Edgar: What tune is playing?

(Chloe holds phone to Edgar's ear and he hears "Dragostea Din Tei)

Edgar: What an odd choice of hold tune.

Chloe: Yeah. (Person comes back on the line) Ah yes, I need to know the item ordered by a B. Marwan. (Pause) Uhhh, cos I do, that's why.

Edgar: Are they giving you stick honey?

Chloe: They won't let me have Marwan's order details.

Edgar: Well keep them on the line. I might be able to hack into their computers through the phone line.

Chloe: But isn't that kind of illegal?

Edgar: Everything you've known Jack to do in the years you've been here and this worries you?

Chloe: Yeah, yeah, just do it.

-----

CTU Car Park.

-----

(Jack and Tony are walking to their car)

Tony: Right, who do you think would win between The Thing and The Hulk?

Jack: Wow, tough call. (Pauses) The Thing, I don't think he would get tired, and if the Hulk changes into Banner he would get owned. Who would win between Spider-man and Batman?

Tony: Well, Batman has the Batmobile and those cool kickass utilities, but he's just a guy in a suit, whereas Spiderman has actual powers, like that web thing, and athleticism, so I'm going to give the edge to Spidey there. How bout Superman and The Thing?

Jack: That's easy. Superman could use his laser eyes. Or just throw The Thing into space.

Tony: Hehehe, good point. Hey, do you know where that address is?

Jack: Nope. I'll get Edgar to guide us using the satellite.

Tony: Oooooooo fancy.

Jack: Isn't it. I'll just get Edgar to set it up. (Shouts into CTU) OI, EDGAR. SET UP THE GPS IN MY CAR TO THE ADDRESS YOU GOT FOR US.

Edgar shouts from inside the building: ALREADY DONE JACK.

Jack: THANKS EDGAR.

Tony: YEAH, THANKS FATASS.

Bill: WHAT DID I WARN YOU ABOUT SHOUTING! AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I'M BEATING YOU!

Jack: He's pretty loud for a old guy.

Tony: Yeah. Oooooo can I read out the directions like a Co-driver?

Jack: Okay.

Tony: Awesome.

(They get in the car)

Jack: Want to listen to some driving music?

Tony: Go on, then.

(Jack puts on "We Be Burnin'" by Sean Paul)

Tony: For some reason, thats not the song I was expecting to be played.

Jack: Me neither. Wonder if Chase and Curtis know the way to their address?

-----

CTU Car 2.

-----

Chase: You know the way bro?

Curtis: Man, I know this 'hood like the back of my ho's. (Thinking of his ho's) Damn fine ass.

Chase: Right then let's go.

(They head out and pull up next to Jack and Tony at some lights. They glare at each other and rev their engines)

Tony: You goin' down punks!

Chase: Just bring it, father killer.

Tony: I'll make you pay for that, Hookboy. (Pulls out his gun and points it at Chase through 2 closed windows)

Jack: Tony, leave it. We'll humiliate them with a good old fashioned street race.

GPS: Turn left.

Tony: SHUT UP! (Shoots the GPS) Oh crap.

Jack: TONY! (The lights go green and Chase & Curtis race off laughing) DAMMIT!

Tony: I'm sorry Jack. I just get pissy when it comes to my private life.

Jack: It's okay. Here have a Mars bar I took from Edgar.

Tony: Hehehe, thanks. That's one less chocky for Fat Boy.

-----

CTU.

-----

Edgar: Hmmm? I'm missing a Mars. Where could that have gone?

-----

President Logan's Office.

-----

(Novick and Palmer are sitting down)

Palmer: You done something to your hair?

Novick: I have no hair.

Palmer: Oh yeah, rite. Sorry.

(Logan enters)

Logan: David. Mike. What are you two doing here?

David: You called us here, remember?

Logan: No. Why would I do that?

Novick: Sir, I think it was about the incident tonight involving CTU.

Logan: Oh yes. Thank you Mike. Yes, about tonight. Do you think it should be made public? I mean people get kind of annoyed if I put a statement out at this time of night.

Palmer: Ermm Sir, the statement will be given in the morning.

Logan: Ohhhh good. I look forward to watching it. That will be all.

Novick: Sir, you can't watch it.

Logan: Why not? I have a TV don't I?

Palmer: Of course but you will be the one making the statement.

Logan: Damn. Mike get that recorded on tape so I don't miss it will you.

Novick: Yes sir.

Palmer: Now about this address to the nation.

Logan: Everybody knows the address already.

Palmer and Novick: What?

Logan: Everybody knows the address. It's 'United States, North America, The World'. (Finishes and stares straight ahead Palmer and novick look at each other. Palmer gets up and waves his hand in front of Logan's face)

Palmer: I think he's asleep. Can he do that?

Novick: Yes. He is very deceptive.

Palmer: What should we do?

Novick: Just leave him. We'll do the speech and get him to read it tomorrow.

Palmer: Right. (They leave but not before Palmer sticks a post-it on Logan's forehead) Hehehe.

(The post-it says 'I don't know what I'm doing')

-----

CTU Car 2.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are listening to their own driving music - Fuck Tha Police by NWA)

Chase: This song rules. I love Niggas Wit Attitude.

(Curtis punches him)

Curtis: YOU CAN'T SAY THE 'N' WORD!

Chase: Owwww. Sorry.

(Curtis is pointing out sites to Chase)

Curtis: And this is where an old lady got whacked and jacked.

Chase: Wow this city is full of hate. And ni-fty people. (Curtis glares at him eyes squinted)

Curtis: Yeah. A lot of bad things happen here.

Chase: Are most of the bad things due to ni-fty people?

Curtis: What are you implying?

Chase: Nothing, Nothing.

Curtis: You better not be.

Chase: Hey we owned Jack and Tony in that street drag.

Curtis: Yeah, you drive pretty good.

Chase: Well I used to drive cop cars before I joined CTU. So I had been in a few cars chases.

Curtis: Sweet. Well I don't normally drive around that fast. Hard to spot ho's if your goin' over 50.

Chase: So true.

-----

CTU Car 1.

-----

Jack: Why did you shoot the GPS?

Tony: I didn't like it's tone.

Jack: It's a machine. It doesn't have a personality. It can't have tone.

Tony: You want to fight about this?

Jack: No, let's just get to this address. I think we take a right by here (Turns right into an alleyway) No this isn't it. (Tries to back out but is blocked by a car parking at the entrance to the alley) DAMMIT!

Tony: Where does this alleyway go?

Jack: I s'pose we're going to find out. (Starts off down the alleyway) This is all your fault. You and your damn anger issues.

Tony: I'm sorry Jack. (Squints down to the end of the alleyway Jack, you're not going to believe this)

Jack: There is another car at the end of the alleyway isn't there.

Tony: No, I just found a Mars bar in my pocket.

Jack: Awesome. But how does that help us with our "Stuck in an alleyway" problem?

Tony: I'unno. Ask these guys to help us. (Indicates a group of tough looking youths coming towards them down the alley)

Jack: Oh shit.

Tony: You know what this means?

Jack: We need to use our authority.

Tony: Well yes but... It's another chocky bar Edgar doesn't get.

Jack: Do you think about anything other than Edgar's misery?

Tony: Not really. Hey those guys seem to have tools. (The youths have baseball bats, shovels and sledgehammers) Or maybe they have weapons. Jack floor it!

Jack: And run them all over? You got it. (Floors it and hits the youths over like bowling pins)

Tony: Oh man, they hit the ground like Edgar on a hang-glider.

Jack: Yeah, but now we're stuck at this end of the alley.

Tony: I suggest we get out of this car, and commandeer one from that road over there (Points to a road)

Jack: Good thinking. (They get out of the car, and run out into the road. A car screeches to a halt in front of Tony)

Tony draws his gun: What? You want some, Bitch?

Angry driver: What the hell are you doing? I have to get home before my wife finds out that I have gone!

Tony: Oh right. (Stands aside to let driver go. Shouts after him) HOPE YOU MAKE IT!

Jack: Tony?

Tony: I understand what he is going through.

Jack: You're a moron. (Stops another car) Excuse me ma'am we need your car. (Jack points his gun at her. The woman gets out and runs off) What's with her?

Tony: People don't like having guns pointed at them. Watch (Points gun at person on pavement, who runs off) See.

Jack: Ah right. Now get in. (They get in the car. Tony turns on the radio and Opera music starts playing)

Tony: Dumb bitch likes opera. FUCK. How do you switch stations?

Jack: Try these (Indicates numbered buttons on the radio)

Tony: Thanks. (Twiddles with buttons to no avail) Awww shit. (Goes to shoot it)

Jack: Do you have to shoot everything that pisses you off?

Tony: Good point. (Puts gun away and punches the radio)

Jack: That's better. I think it's a left here.

-----

CTU Car 2.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are singing along to the Happy Days theme)

Chase: I didn't think they played this on the radio!

Curtis: Yeah man. This is the good shit.

Chase: Yeah it is. (They pull up to the address) Okay, we're here. Now to go kill us some bad guys, C-Men style.

Curtis: Is that our team name, from now on?

Chase: Yeah, you like it? I think it's catchy.

Curtis: I think it's gay.

Chase: Then let's ask someone. Him (Points to a guy walking past) HEY YOU, DO YOU THINK THE NAME 'THE C-MEN' IS GAY?

Guy: YEH, 'COS IT SOUNDS LIKE ANOTHER WORD FOR SPERM.

Curtis: You see what I mean.

Chase: Yeah I see. (Thinks) Oww. Hmmm let's think of a new nickname for us. How about... The Bad Boys.

Curtis: That name's already been used.

Chase: Damn. Hows about... Men On Fire.

Curtis: Hmmmmm.

Guy: IT'S BEEN USED.

Chase: How can he hear us?

Curtis: I dunno. Hey, lets call ourselves 'The C-Man and Hookboy'

Chase: Cool.

(They high five and walk up to the door)

Curtis: You knock.

Chase: I ain't knocking, you knock.

Curtis: Rock, Paper, Scissors?

Chase: On 3, ready? 1...2...3.

Chase: Rock!

Curtis simultaneously: Paper!

Chase: Dammit! (Knocks on the door. No response. Knocks again...) Don't think anyone is in. You go round the back, I'll pick this lock.

Curtis: You got it. (Walks around to the back door) What the?

(Curtis stops suddenly as he finds his path blocked by an angry tramp)

Tramp slurred/drunkenly: Gerroutofear. I'm warning you.

Curtis: OK, I'm backing off, I'm backing off. (Goes back over to Chase, who is still trying to pick the lock)

Chase: Thought I told you to go round the back.

Curtis: You did.

Chase: Then why ain't you there?

Curtis: 'Cos there is an angry tramp round there. He warned me to stay away. And I take tramp warnings very seriously.

Chase: Why? They can't do anything to us. We have training and guns. He has four month stubble and lace for a belt.

Curtis: Yeah but a bum foretold my dog's death.

Chase: Really? What happened?

Curtis: He said that my dog would die... (Tears in his eyes) and then later that day he was found missing. We found his carcass in an alley 2 days later.

Chase: Has it ever occured to you that the tramp may have... you know... eaten your dog?

Curtis: Not really. I just thought it had had a long fight with another dog and lost.

Chase: Riiiight. Anyway, let me show you how to get rid of a tramp. (He leads Curtis around to the tramp and makes a 'Watch and Learn' hand gesture, then he turns to the tramp) Oi, Tramp.

Tramp: Grunts indecipherably.

Chase: Grunts back.

Tramp: Grunts in Agreement. (Gets up and walks off)

Chase to Curtis: And thats how you get rid of a tramp.

Curtis: Wow. You speak tramp? Where did you learn that?

Chase: My dad.

Curtis: You mean.

Chase: Oh no, he wasn't a tramp himself. He used to help out tramps in our area and learned their language. He then taught it to me.

Curtis: Sweet.

(Chase heads round the front and Curtis opens the back door)

Curtis: Damn, what a shithole. I suppose I better look around. (Looks around) It's no use, it's too dark. All that and I need a fucking flashlight.

-----

CTU Car 1.

-----

(Jack and Tony have pulled up to the address they got from The Marwan's computer)

Jack: OK, we go in, ask some questions, and try not to shot anybody, got that?

Tony: OK, you're the boss.

(Jack and Tony approach the building and knock on the door. There is no response. Jack tries the handle and it opens. They enter into a wide open area and get shot at. Jack dives for cover and Tony stands there as bullets fly past him)

Tony shouting: HELLO? WE JUST WANT TO TALK!

Jack: Tony! Take cover and fire back!

Tony: But you said-

Jack: That was before they started shooting at us, dumbass!

Tony: Oh. (Pulls out his gun and dives behind a couch for cover) This is where I shine. Raises his gun over the top of the couch and fires.

Man: OW, YOU SHOT ME, BASTARD.

Tony: Am I good or what?

Jack: What. Now lets see who you hit. (They come out from behind their respective hiding places and walk over to a man holding a bleeding wound)

Man: Jesus, you guys invade my home and then shoot me!

Jack: Yeah sorry about that. We have reason to believe that this address is linked to terrorist activity that occured today.

Man: WHAT! How is this address linked to terrorism?

Tony: We found it listed on a hard disc found at the terrorists abode.

Man: Wow.

Tony: Yeah. So what's your name anyway?

Man: Bob. Bob Duggan, Owner and Operator of "Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack"

Tony: I've been there. They got good sausage.

Jack: I'll have to pop in sometime. But first, do you have any idea as to why your address is on a hard drive found in the home of known terrorists?

Bob: Do you have a name for this terrorist family?

Jack: Their surname is "Marwan.

Bob: Ahhh yes. The family orders special carpets from Egypt. They pay quite highly.

Tony: Hey Jack, do you think that the Marwan's use Bob here to smuggle in illegal items?

Jack: Hmmmm it's possible. Bob, do have any details about the Marwan's supplier?

Bob: All I know about him is his name.

Tony: Which is?

Bob: Sahib Hussain.

Jack: I've heard that name before.

Tony: Weren't he president of Iraq?

Bob: That was SADDAM Hussain! Idiot.

Tony: Shut up (Slaps Bob)

Jack: Calm down Tony. I think that Sahib Hussain may be the head of this plot, and that he used the Marwan's to smuggle illegal items into the country and funded their plan to kill me-

Tony: The only one good enough to stop any terrorist activity in the United States.

Jack: True true. Then we need to find these carpets and their contents. (To Bob) Is there a particular address given to you by the Marwan's other than this? (Shows Bob a piece of paper showing the Marwan's address)

Bob: I'll have to check the company records. They're on my computer, upstairs. (Points to the stairs)

Tony: Aw, Man. Now we got to climb stairs aswell. Can't I stay and check out the rest of this floor?

Jack: OK, but if something happens to you, I'm having your car.

Tony: Yeah, OK.

Jack: Sweet.

(Jack and Bob head upstairs as Tony looks around)

Tony: Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. Ooo piece of candy. (Gets led to a pile of candy under a box) Jackpot! (A piece of rope is pulled away from the box and it falls over Tony) Hey did the lights go out? What's with these walls? Let me out!

Kid: Hehehe. Sucker.

(Upstairs Jack and Bob are looking at Bob's computer screen)

Bob: It'll just take me a second to access the records.

Jack: OK. (Looks around and sees a picture of a young boy) This your son?

Bob: Yeah. That's Bob. Jr. He's a good kid, but he likes trapping people under boxes. He's somewhere downstairs right now. You got any kids?

Jack: Yeah, a daughter. Kim. (Reacts) So your kid was downstairs when we shot at you?

Bob: Yeah. He knows that when people enter the house that he should stay in the kitchen. It's bulletproof.

Jack: You expecting trouble?

Bob: The carpet and sausage business is more dangerous than you think Mr. Bauer.

Jack: Errr right.

Bob: Ahhh here it is. The address that the Marwan's have me deliver the carpets to if different than the one that you showed me. The other address is 21 Alkirk Close.

Jack: You sure?

Bob: Absolutely.

Jack: OK, Thanks. (Heads off downstairs, dialing his phone as he goes. Dave answers)

Dave: You're on with the Dave.

Jack: Dave? They got you working tactical?

Dave: Yeah. Only until my wound heals.

Jack: Sweet. I have reason to believe that Sahib Hussain, mentioned in various things, has smuggled illegal items into the U.S using Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack. The items were delivered to the address that Chase and Curtis have been dispatched to. Me and Tony... (Looks around for Tony) Hmmm... We will head over to that address and give support.

Dave: Okay Master. I'll tell Bill. (Hangs up)

Jack: Tony? TONY! Where is he?

Bob Jr.: You looking for someone mister?

Jack: Yeah. You seen a man, bout 6'5, short hair, kind of angry looking?

Bob. Jr: He's in the box. (Points to box)

Jack: Thanks. (Goes over to the box) Tony. You in there? (Lifts box to find Tony eating the pile of candy)

Tony: I got hungry. (Gets up and cleans himself off) So what you find out?

Jack: Bob Duggan may have unknowingly smuggled items into the US, and had them delivered to the address Chase and Curtis are at now.

Tony: What a pickle. So, we going to back them up then?

Jack: Well we have no other leads, and it could be dangerous, so yeah.

Tony: Can we stop for food on the way?

Jack: Okay. But stop me from having any food. I've already eaten and I have to watch my cholesterol.

Tony: Right.

(They go out to the car and head off to rendez-vous with Chase and Curtis)

-----

CTU.

-----

Dave: Can I get a new keyboard here Bill. This one seems to have chocolate on it. Not sure why.

Bill: That was Edgar's old keyboard. We took it off him after he started chewing on the spacebar.

Dave: Ah, OK.

Bill: You can get another one from the supply cupboard.

Dave: Thanks. (Slides out from under the desk to reveal that he is in a wheelchair) There's a step there. I'm going to jump it. (Wheels himself off the step and across the floor) Oh yes. (Pushes his wheels) Weeeeeeeeee. (Pushes his wheels) Weeeeeeeee.

Edgar: Having fun Dave?

Dave: Weeeeeeeee!

Chloe: Looks like it.

Bill: Hey Edgar, Where's Jimmy? I want to ask him something?

Dave as he wheels past: He's in the toilet. Weeeeeeeeee!

Bill: Thanks. Get back to work please Dave.

Dave: Sorry Boss.

-----

CTU Mens Restroom.

-----

Bill: Ah Jimmy, there you are. I have a question for you.

Jimmy: Kind of busy here, Boss. Can't it wait?

Bill: No, it can't. It's important.

Jimmy sighs: OK, What is it?

Bill reading a crossword clue: Thrown Lettuce. 6 and 5.

Jimmy: Uh, Tossed Salad?

Bill: I ain't into that kinda stuff. Now, what's the answer?

Jimmy: I think that IS the answer Sir.

Bill: Ahhh yes I think you're right. Good work Jimmy.

Jimmy: Thanks.

-----

21 Alkirk Close.

-----

(Chase and Curtis, have been searching the house to no avail)

Chase: There doesn't seem to be anything here at all. I'm gonna call Jack and see if he found anything at his address. (Takes out phone and dials Jack. Jack answers)

Jack: Yo.

Chase: Jack, Curtis and I haven't found jack. No pun intended.

Jack: There has to be something there. We found info linking the Marwan's to that address. So search harder. (Hangs up)

Curtis: What he say?

Chase: He says search harder.

Curtis: We should listen to him. He's usually right.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Chase: I got a day planner.

Curtis: What's it got in it?

Chase: 7 October, Tennis and Lunch with B. Sounds saucy.

Curtis: Any mention of who "B" is?

Chase: Hmmmm. (Flicks through a few pages) Ahhhh here, 11 October, meet Bajif for arrangments.

Curtis: So now we know that this person met with Bajif. They must be involved with the Marwan's plan.

(Chase flicks through more pages and someting falls out onto the floor. Curtis picks it up)

Curtis: It's a business card for Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack.

Chase: I'll call Jack. (Takes out his phone and dials Jack. Jack answers)

Jack: Yes?

Chase: Yeah, Jack, we just found a card for a carpet and sausage place. You want me to tell CTU 'bout it?

Jack: No, we know about that. We just came from Bob Duggan's house, and are on our way to you now.

Chase: You're coming here? Cool.

Jack: Yeah, now keep looking for something that'll tell us where Sahib is today.

Chase: We got a day planner.

Jack: See what he has planned for today. We'll be there in a bit. (Hangs up)

Chase turns to today's page: Ah, here it is, November 9. "Late meeting with Capone" He must not know Capone has been captured.

Curtis: Does it say where he is going to meet him?

Chase: Yeah, there is a map of how to get there from here and everything.

Curtis: Wow. He obviously doesn't know this city then.

Chase: I'll phone Jack and get him to meet us at the location.

Curtis: Ooooo let me do it.

(Chase sighs and gives his phone to Curtis who dials Jack)

Jack: Hello, you're Jacked in.

Curtis: Wasssssssup!

Jack: Wasssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuup!

Tony: Give me the phone. (Jack gives Tony the phone) Wassssssssssuuuuuuuup.

Curtis: Fool, quit playing and give Jack back the phone.

Tony: Here ya go (Hands phone back to Jack)

Jack: What you want, C-Dog?

Curtis: We found out that Sahib was planning a meet with Capone at Cockwell Park.

Jack: Cockwell Park?

Tony: HAHAHAHAHA COCK!

Jack: Keep it down I'm on the phone. When is this meeting planned for?

Curtis: It don't say. Just says a late meeting.

Jack: Where is this park?

Curtis: It's next to that training ground by the river.

Jack: I know it. We will meet you there. C ya. (Hangs up)

Tony: Shall I ring CTU and tell them whats happening?

Jack: Yeah.

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe answers a ringing phone: O'Brian.

Tony: Hey, Chloe, it's Tony. Listen, Chase and Curtis found a day planner at the address they went to check out. It gave the location of a meeting between Capone and the owner of the house, who we believe to be Sahib Hussain -

Jack: Tell her to get a dozen agents to bring Capone to Cockwell Park.

Tony: Righto (To Chloe) Get a dozen agents to escort Capone from the cells to Cockwell Park. Wire him up on the way. Get a couple of snipers aswell.

Chloe: Can do. (Hangs up)

Chloe shouting: BILL!

Bill behind her also shouting: YES?

Chloe shocked: Jeez did you have to shout?

Bill: Did you?

Chloe: You have a point.

(Bill throws his spear nearly hitting Jimmy)

Jimmy: Hey!

Chloe: Jack, Tony, Chase and Curtis are heading to Cockwell Park, as a meeting between Sahib Hussain and Bert Capone is supposed to take place there. Jack said we should escort Capone to the location, wire him up and let the meet happen.

Bill: OK, OK. I'll call President Logan and tell him whats going on.

(Edgar comes over)

Edgar: Chloe?

Chloe: What do YOU want?

Edgar: I just wanted to do this (Throws chocolate bar in the bin) I'm giving up the chocolate for you.

Chloe: Oh, Eddy. (They hug)

Bill: Awwww.

Kim: What's going on?

Bill: Edgar and Chloe are back together.

Kim: Awwwww that's so sweet. This calls for some chocolate!

Edgar: Well don't give any to me 'cos I've given it up.

Kim: Wow, really?

Chloe: Yeah, and it's all for me! (She hugs Edgar again)

Bill: Well I better phone President Logan. (Heads to his office)

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill enters his office, picks up his phone and dials President Logan. Logan answers on speakerphone)

Bill: Mr. President, we're close to capturing the man behind tonights attack.

Logan: Who is this?

Bill: It's Bill Buchanan sir, from CTU.

Logan: What's the problem? You want my authorisation to torture someone?

Bill: No, sir. We've almost caught the man behind the embassy bomb.

Logan: You want authorisation to torture him?

Bill: Well, we may need that after we capture him.

Logan: Well maybe you should do that first before asking me if you can torture him.

(Bill rolls his eyes and sighs)

Bill: Yes sir. We are close to capturing him now. But we need to use Capone as bait.

Logan: That mafia guy? Isn't he dead?

Bill: Thats AL Capone, sir. I'm talking about Bert Capone, the man we captured earlier this evening.

Logan: And you want my permission to torture him, do you?

Bill: THIS ISN'T ABOUT TORTURE, DAMMIT.

Logan: Then do whatever you want, I don't care. (Pause) Nancy, bring me a coffee.

Bill: Sir, I'm not your secretary, you need to hang up, then press the button to speak to her.

Logan: Thank you phone.

Bill: Goodbye Sir.

Logan: Goodbye phone. (Hangs up) What a polite phone. Sounds oddly familiar too.

(Bill dials Edgar's desk. Kim answers)

Bill: Kim? Where is Edgar?

Kim: He went somewhere with Chloe. Can I help?

Bill: Errrr I s'pose. Get Capone out of the cells and wired up and have 3 guards drive him to Jack's location in the field.

Kim: Why is my dad in a field?

Bill to himself: I'm surrounded by idiots. (To Kim) We call "the field" anywhere not in CTU.

Kim: Oh, okay. Bye Bill. (Hangs up)

Bill:Now to practise throwing my spear. (Picks up his spear)

-----

Cockwell Park.

-----

(Chase and Curtis pull up in a smoke filled car. NWA is still playing. Chase and Curtis get out of the car giggling)

Chase: That was good shit, man.

Curtis: Jamaican White. Only the best for me biatch. Now when are Jack and Tony getting here?

Chase: Dunno. Don't think they'll be long.

Curtis: Man, is it me or is it kinda cold out here?

Chase: It is a bit cold. Why don't we put some flak jackets on to keep warm.

Curtis: Good idea. (Goes to the boot of the car) Damn! The night shift ain't put any in here.

Chase: Slackers. We could, errrm, you know.

Curtis: What?

Chase: You know, huddle together for warmth?

Curtis: Hell no. I ain't gonna resort to any homo way of keeping warm. (Looks around) I'll just set fire to this bin. Gets out a match and throws it in the bin. Soon there is a congregation of tramps along with Chase and Curtis around the fire Chase: Look what you've done.

Curtis: I didn't know that'd happen.

Chase: Tramps congregate around large fires. It's Tramp Rule #1 "If fire there be, there be we"

Curtis: Tramps have a way with rhyming, don't they?

Chase: Yeh. Let me get rid of them. (Goes to one of the tramps and starts grunting)

Tramp: Grunts back.

Chase: Grunts in agreement.

Tramp: Grunts to the other tramps and they leave.

Curtis: You gotta teach me to speak tramp sometime.

Chase: Yeah, it can really come in handy.

Curtis sniggers: Hehehe handy.

Chase: What? (Pauses) Oh ha ha, very funny. (Looks towards headlights up the road) Wonder if that's Jack and Tony?

-----

Comandeered Car.

-----

Tony: I think I see Chase and Curtis up ahead. (Pauses) And a burning bin. (Pauses) And over there is a bunch of bums walking AWAY from a fire?

Jack: Someone must have told them to leave. Probably Chase. He speaks tramp.

Tony: Cool.

Jack: Yeh, here they are now (They pull up next to the CTU Car, and get out of their vehicle) What's up? CTU gotten here with Capone yet?

Chase: Not yet. They should be here in about 10 minutes.

Tony: Any sign of Sahib yet?

Curtis: We don't even know what he looks like.

Jack: What? Didn't you get a picture of him from his place?

Chase: We left before we thought of that.

Jack: Great. Well I s'pose we better move the cars away from this spot so Sahib can't see them.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Chase: What else can we play? I Spy sucks at night.

Jack: We could make prank phone calls? I did one to Bill and Edgar earlier.

Tony: Okay, who can we call?

Chase: Hey Jack, how about David Palmer?

Jack: Ooooo good idea.

Tony: Who's phone we using?

Chase: Curtis.

Jack: Good idea. Hand it over, Darkness.

Curtis: Here ya go. (Hands over his phone)

Jack: Thanks. (Takes out his own phone and dials the number in Curtis' phone. Brief pause, then Palmer answers)

Palmer: Hello?

Jack disguising his voice: Hello, This is Rick Vaughn, The Wild Thing. I'm looking for Pedro Cerrano. Is he there?

Palmer: Errrm no. This is Former President David Palmer, Mr Vaughn. You must have the wrong number.

Jack: Oh sorry about that Sir. Sorry if I woke you.

Palmer: That's okay. Have a good night. (Hangs up) Bastard.

Jack: He seemed pissed off. Let's call Novick.

Tony: I'm going for a pee, no-one follow me. (He walks off around a corner)

Chase: Hey, let's phone Tony! (They all laugh. He dials, Tony answers)

Tony: Can't this call wait, I'm having a piss here.

Chase disguising his voice: I'm sorry sir, but I'd like to talk to you about windows.

Tony angry: At this time of night! When I'm peeing! Well you can FUCK OFF! (Hangs up. He walks back to the others) Some Fuckweed just called me asking about windows! Windows! (Everyone is trying not to laugh)

Jack suppressing a laugh: Yeah, that's terrible, Tone. Someone should give them a good talking to.

Chase also suppressing a laugh: Yeah.

Tony: What you all so desperate to laugh about?

Chase changes his voice to the "Window Call" voice: Nothing.

Tony: That was you? I oughta shoot you, you fucking dick. (Is about to pull out his gun, when he is stopped by Curtis)

Curtis: Calm down man. Calm down. It's just a bit of fun.

Tony: I'ma get you back, just you wait.

Chase: Ooooo I'm shaking. (Laughs)

Jack: Don't forget Chase, it was Tony who destroyed the chocolate machine at CTU.

Tony: Yeah, I'm gonna make it much worse for you Hooky.

Chase: Just bring it.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Edgar is cleaning up shattered glass resulting from Bill's spear throwing)

Bill: You missed a bit. (Points to missed shards)

Edgar: Why do I have to clean it up?

Bill: Payment for all the chocolate you have cost us.

Edgar: Damn me and my habits.

Bill: Yes, damn you.

Dave: Hey, I did a wheelie, look. (Attempts a wheelie and falls to the ground)

Bill: Haha, cripple fall down.

(Kim helps Dave back into his wheelchair)

Dave: Shut up.

Bill: What you gonna do, huh? Headbutt me in the groin?

Dave: Yes. (Does so. Bill collapses in pain)

Edgar: Nice.

Chloe: That was a pretty hard headbutt, Davey.

Bill in a high voice: Yeah, it was.

(Everyone laughs at Bill. Michelle walks by and falls over him)

Michelle: Argh! What the hell? Bill? (She gets back up)

Bill voice still high: Yes Michelle?

Michelle: Just wondering why you are on the floor. That's all.

Dave: He's thinking about what he said. He was a bad boy. (Smacks Bill's hand)

Kim: I wonder if Capone is with my dad yet.

-----

CTU Van.

-----

(Capone is riding in the back on the van with 3 armed guards)

Capone to people in the front: Can you put the radio on, please?

Armed Guard 1: SHUT UP AND STAY QUIET.

Capone: Technically, they're the same thing.

Armed Guard 2: He said, SHUT UP AND STAY QUIET. Asshole.

Armed Guard 3: I think we're here.

(The van stops and the doors at the back are opened by Jack)

Jack: Get him out.

(The guards take Capone out and hands his cuff keys to Jack)

Armed Guard 1: Here you go Agent Bauer.

Jack: Thanks AG 1. You can head back to CTU and tell Bill that we will bring Capone and Sahib back with us.

Armed Guard 1: Yes Sir.

(They get back in the van and drive off)

Jack: Hey guys! Capone's here. They all gather around Jack and Capone Okay, here's the plan.

(Jack proceeds to tell them the plan, then they un-huddle)

Chase: Good plan, Jack.

Tony: Yeah, the best.

Curtis: Never before has a plan like that burst forth from someone's mind.

Jack: Aw, thanks guys.

Capone to himself: I think I'm going to be sick.

Curtis: Quiet you.

(They peel off and take up their alotted spots)

Jack radios them all: Everyone in position?

Chase: Yeah Jack.

Curtis: Ready man.

(A long pause)

Jack radios again: Tony?

Tony: Sorry, I was peeing again.

Jack: You got a weak bladder or summin?

Curtis: Probably from his drinking days.

Tony: Hey Shut it!

Jack: Anyone seen any sign of Sahib?

All: No.

Jack to Capone: Remember what I told you?

Capone: Yes. Don't give anything away or I kill your Mother Fuckin' ass. Is that it?

Jack: You got it.

Chase on the radio: Oooo Jack, I see a car approaching.

Jack on the radio: Okay, everyone this is it. Get ready.

All: Right Jack.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

(The car pulls up next to a statue, and out gets a middle aged indian man)

Jack to Capone: That Sahib?

Capone: Yes, it is.

Jack: You better get going, and remember, give anything away, or try to make a run for it and I will shoot you.

Capone: OK, OK.

(He makes his way towards the statue, waving to Sahib as he goes. Sahib waves back and holds out his hand to greet Capone)

Sahib: Hello again my friend.

Capone: Hello. I saw you stop back up the road. What happened?

Sahib: Some tramps wouldn't let me past until I gave them some change. I didn't want to anger them by running one over, and I don't speak tramp. So I had to pay them to go away.

Capone: I see.

Sahib: Has our plan succeeded? Is Jack Bauer dead? Are our "Items" safe?

Capone: Yes, yes. All went according to plan.

Sahib: Good, good. Then you are not needed anymore, are you? (Takes out a gun and shoots Capone)

Jack: Sonofabitch. (To others over the radio) GO GO, TAKE SAHIB ALIVE.

(Chase, Curtis, Tony and Jack come out of their positions with guns drawn)

Jack: SAHIB HUSSAIN, GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!

Sahib: YOU, BUT YOU DIED!

Tony: Your wrong there bub!

Sahib: Damn you Capone! (Shoots Capone's body)

Chase: Hey Tony, I think you'd like this guy, same temper as you.

Curtis: Yeah, he's pissed!

Jack: PUT THE GUN DOWN! NOW!

Sahib: You know, I should have suspected this. You are that good Mr Bauer.

Jack: PUT THE GUN DOWN!

Sahib: I know you want to take me alive.

Jack: PUT IT DOWN!

Sahib: I can't let you do that. (Raises his gun towards Jack) But before I finish this, I'm going to tell you my plans. I know that's what you want me to do.

Curtis: Oooo I love story time!

Chase: Can we listen Jack?

Tony: Please?

Jack: What! (Sighs) Okay. Tell away Sahib.

Sahib: After you killed Habib Marwan and stopped yet another attack on your precious country. I decided that to have any chance of succeeding in my own plans-

Jack: About those.

Sahib: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!

Chase: Yeah Jack.

(Jack sighs)

Sahib: I would have to get rid of you. I hired the Marwan's to kill you by fueling their revenge. With you out of the way I could put my plans into action. The bomb at the French embassy was meant to bring you into this, and The Brick and Capone were to lead you to Jaseam. He would kill you live on the internet, showing your countryman how pathetic you are, and then I would strike with no opposition! But as long as you are alive, I know my plans cannot succeed, so I have to do this. (Raises his gun again, but this time with the barrel pointing towards his face) Goodbye, Jack Bauer. (Pulls the trigger, and kills himself)

Jack: NOOOOOOOO! (Runs to Sahib's body and checks his pulse) DAMMIT. (Takes out his phone and dials CTU. Dave answers)

Dave: Hello? Oh hi Jack. Do you have Sahib?

Jack: No. Bastard shot himself. Tell Bill, and get him to tell President Logan.

Dave: Okay Jack. Oooo tell him yourself. (Puts Jack on speakerphone) Tell everyone Jack.

Jack sighs: Everyone, Sahib Hussain is dead. He killed himself before we could find out about the smuggled items. We failed. Bill?

Bill: Jack?

Jack: Phone President Logan and tell him what happened. Everyone. Tonights ordeal is over. We can keep looking for the items. But for now there seems to be no more threats to national security. Everyone can go home.

Edgar: Wohoo! Chloe?

Chloe: Yes Eddy?

Edgar: Let's go to my place. (They get up and leave)

Tony: Oh God!

Jack: Sweet Jesus. Well good night everyone.

All at CTU: Goodnight. (Jack hangs up)

Chase: Well Jack. Want a lift home?

Jack: Okay. We'll take the CTU car. (They go to the car) Goodnight guys.

Tony: Bye Jack.

Curtis: See ya.

(Jack and Chase drive off)

Curtis: Guess you got me for a ride!

Tony: Awwww shit!

-----

Clock. Credits.

-----

(The 24: Parody logo shows and a phone is heard dialing)

Voice: Hello?

Brick: It's me.

Voice: Ahhh. Are the "Items" in your possession?

Brick: Yes. After I escaped from the hospital I recovered them from Sahib.

Voice: He is dead.

Brick: I thought he would fail.

Voice: He served his purpose.

Brick: Yes.

Voice: Does anyone know I am involved.

Brick: No. No-one knows your identity.

Voice: Good. It's a shameJack had to live. Could have done without his interference in the coming fight.

Brick: Yes. Soon our weapon will be complete. Soon we will have our revenge.

Voice: Very good. Goodbye, Brick. Keep me updated.

Brick: Yes. Very well. Goodbye Mr. Bauer.

-----

Copyright.

-----

All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders.

All characters taken from the television show "24" are copyright of the Fox network.

All original characters and this script are fictional, and copyright of Daniel Barker & Sam Deere 2005.

This may be not be reproduced under any circumstances except for personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise distributed publicly without advance written permission. Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public display is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright.

-----

Contact.

-----

Any feedback is appreciated, and can be sent to either my e-mail address or the forum which is shown as my personal webpage in my profile.


	2. Holiday Short

24: The Parody Holiday Short. Written because I was bored, and because Day 3 is taking so long. :P 

The following takes place between Day's 1 and 2, at 1:00 p.m.

-  
The Shore Of An Unknown Lake.  
-----

(Jack and Tony are unpacking things for boat fishing)

Jack: It's nice to get away for a day without having to rescue LA.  
Tony: Yeah. Plus, my anger therapist said it would help me relax.  
Jack: Wasn't he also the one that said releasing all your anger at once would help too?  
Tony: I only put a few holes in it.  
Jack: You shot 36 rounds into it. I had to buy a new one. Although this SUV is larger than the old one.  
Tony: Damn right.  
Jack: Ahhhhh, here's the beer.  
Tony: Got any soda Jack?  
Jack: Soda? This is a fishing trip, not some boyscout camping. Although I did take some beers with me on one of those. What a night, especially when that bear took Carl.  
Tony: My therapist reckons I should stay away from any alcohol.  
Jack: Oh well. More for me. (Opens a can of beer and drinks) Mmmmmmm.  
Tony: Fine. I'll drink some beer.

(They carry on unpacking from Jack's SUV. There is only a huge trunk left at the back)

Jack: I don't remember packing that.

(They lift down the huge trunk. A snoring sound is heard from inside)

Tony: A snoring chest? That's novel. Well we'll soon fix that. (Kicks chest)  
Voice Inside Trunk: Hey!  
Jack: Who's inside?  
Tony: Dunno. Let's open it.  
Jack: Alright. (They do so) Oh... Great.

-  
Curtis' House.  
-----

(Chase is loafing around on the couch)

Curtis: Could you help tidy this place up?  
Chase: Why?  
Curtis: Because it's a mess.  
Chase: Why?  
Curtis: 'Cos you're a slob.  
Chase: Why?  
Curtis: 'Cos you touch yourself at night.  
Chase: Who told you? Was it Tony? I never should have trusted him and his alcohol.

(Curtis looks disturbed)

Curtis: Just help will you. I have some... 'guests' over tonight.  
Chase: Not more dealers?  
Curtis: And hookers. I'm practicing for when we go undercover.  
Chase: You're a method actor then.  
Curtis: Exactly. Now clean up all those potato chips you have around you. (He walks off)  
Chase: Stupid Curtis. (He picks up an old chip) Meh. (He eats it) Ewwwwwww.

-  
Lake Shore.  
-----

Jack: So you hid in the trunk?  
Dave: Yeah. How did I know Chase would going to send me here.  
Tony: Your an idiot.  
Dave: I'm sorry Master.  
Jack: It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.  
Tony: He said he's done this 2 other times.  
Jack: Okay, then that is stupid.  
Tony: Yeah. You're so stupid... you are so... you can't count!  
Jack: Wow. Huge lack of abuse there Tone.  
Tony: Must be all the drugs my therapist gave me. Hold on. (He thinks for a bit) Dave, You're so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.  
Dave: Hey shut it. (Hits Tony with his cane)  
Tony: OWWWW. Why you little- (Lunges at Dave)  
Jack: Childish morons.

-  
Presidential Retreat.  
-----

(President Logan, Martha, Mike Novick and Agent Pierce are sunbathing beside the Presidential Pool. A child runs past)

Child: When I grow up. I wanna be a shovel!  
Logan: Ahhhh kids. You think we are too old for kids Mike?  
Novick: Errrrr... Sir, Is this some kind of gay thing?  
Logan: No.  
Novick: Are you sure?  
Logan: Errrrrr.. yes. And I mean Martha and I.  
Novick: Oh, no Sir definately not.  
Pierce: Of course you aren't Sir.  
Logan: You can speak freely, I am on holiday.  
Novick: Then yes. You are old and wrinkly.  
Pierce: You're like a giant prune Sir.  
Logan: Well thanks.

(The child runs by again)

Child: If was a superhero. I'd be Doodyman!  
Novick: Who is this kid?  
Martha: It is Evelyn's child. (She watches the child closely) Maybe it is gathering intel for someone.  
Pierce: It appears to be shovelling in a potplant Ma'am.  
Martha: Yes...

-  
Lake Shore.  
-----

(Dave and Tony have calmed down, and are now on opposite sides of Jack)

Jack: Now, let's do some fishing. Tony, Get the boat.  
Tony: Hmm what?  
Jack: The boat.  
Tony: Ahhhh.  
Jack: You destroyed it didn't you.  
Tony: No.  
Jack: Just sank it?  
Tony: No.  
Jack: Then what?  
Tony: It got stolen.  
Jack: I thought you said you hid it well?  
Tony: I did. Apparently some people wearing plaid, or.  
Dave: Burberry?  
Tony: That's it. Some guys wearing burberry took it. They apparently swore alot and called people 'scratends.  
Jack: What the hell is a 'scratend?  
Dave: Some sort of abuse I guess.  
Jack: Well, now we have the gear, but no boat. Dammit. DAMMIT! Dammit!  
Tony: Looks like we will have to fish from the shore.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

(It has started to rain. Dave and Jack have gotten inside the SUV. Tony has had to walk from further around the lake)

Tony: Hey, let me in.  
Dave: Nah. We're cool.  
Jack: You lost our boat.  
Tony: Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.  
Jack: What are you, The Hulk? Besides, this SUV is bulletproof. I learnt from my mistakes.  
Tony: Crap. (Sighs) Fine! I'll get my own SUV, with blackjack and hookers. In fact forget the SUV and the blackjack... Ah screw the whole thing. (He walks away to find shelter)

-  
LA Hotel. Poolside.  
-----

(The Brick is relaxing with a drink. His phone rings)

Brick: Hi Boss.  
Eric: (On Phone) How are things going?  
Brick: Great. I'm taking a break right now. To relieve some stress, you know.  
Eric: (On Phone) Fine. But get back to work soon. The plan must not fail this time. If it does.  
Brick: I know. Ooooh gotta go my masseuse is here. (He hangs up) Mmmmmmmmm massage.

-  
Curtis's House.  
-----

(Chase is watching '24 Hours'. Curtis walks in)

Curtis: Hey, whatcha watching?  
Chase: 24 hours. It's about this guy, Jake Bowler, that has a really bad 24 hour day, and has to save people and stuff.  
Curtis: Now why does that seem familiar?  
Chase: Dunno. (Pause) Anyway, I'm not gonna be here later.  
Curtis: Awwww why not?  
Chase: I got a date.  
Curtis: Sweet. With who?  
Chase: (Looking pleased) Kim Bauer.  
Curtis: SHIT!  
Chase: Yeah. I rule.  
Curtis: I mean, Jack will kill you. He is soooo overprotective of her. One time, he broke this guy's leg for staring at her.  
Chase: Wow.  
Curtis: Yeah.  
Chase: Well, I think Jack likes me enough to give me a chance.  
Curtis: Maybe. Don't say I didn't warn you. (He leaves the room)  
Chase: Ooooh Jake just met The President.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Edgar and Chloe are still working at CTU)

Bill: Why aren't you two on holiday?  
Edgar: Why aren't you?  
Bill: (Dejectedly) 'Cos... I live a lonely life.  
Edgar: Oh... Well, we have no-one to cover for us.  
Chloe: Plus, we can just take it easy here.  
Bill: I have an idea for something we can do.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

(Bill, Edgar and Chloe are on the roof)

Bill: And... GO! (They all throw some eggs as far as they can)  
Edgar: Well, that was childish and fun.  
Chloe: Yeah. I hit someone's car. (She points to a blue car across the street)  
Bill: Dammit. That's my car.  
Edgar: Hehehe. I hit a car too. (Points)  
Chloe: That's your car.  
Edgar: What? Awwwww.  
Bill: Hahaha!  
Edgar: Shut it. What can we do now?  
Chloe: How about we...

-  
Lake Shore.  
-----

(Tony has sheltered under a tree)

Tony: Stupid assholes.  
Tramp: Yeahfuckingovernment.  
Tony: ARGH! Where the hell did you come from?  
Tramp: I live here. And your in my spot man.  
Tony: Oh, sorry. I'm just getting out of the rain.  
Tramp: Well, can't you do it under that tree? (He points to a nearby tree)  
Tony: But I'm here now. So no, plus that tree is smaller.  
Tramp 2: Screw you buddy.  
Tramp: Shut up Marty.  
Tony: What is this? Hobo-central?  
Tramp: No man. That's about a mile to the East.  
Tony: Okay... So is it just you and Marty here?  
Tramp: Yep. We are fighting the system man.  
Tony: (Sarcastically) Looks like you have the upperhand.  
Tramp: Don't dis' it man. Our fight saved your life.  
Tony: What?  
Tramp: We stopped that war that nearly happened 5 years ago.  
Tony: What war?  
Tramp: Exactly.  
Tony: Your nuts.  
Marty: That's what THEY said!  
Tramp: THEY said we were mad. But we showed them.  
Tony: (Slightly scared) You know what? I think I hear someone calling me. (He gets up to leave)  
Tramp: I hear them talking to me all the time.  
Tony: Righty O. Must be off. (He walks away)  
Tramp: Bye man!

(Tony returns to the SUV)

Tony: Please let me in? I got scared by some tramps.  
Dave: (Thinks for a bit) Fine. (He let's Tony in) There, happy now?  
Tony: Yes. Thank you.  
Jack: Well this turned out rather well don't you think?  
Tony: Oh yeah. Peachy.  
Dave: But the weather is shite.  
Tony: Shut up Dave.

-  
Presidential Retreat.  
-----

(Logan, Pierce and Mike are playing Halo on Mike's Xbox)

Novick: How do you always seem to beat me at this Pierce. And why can't I find the President?  
Pierce: The President is keeping hidden. And you suck at this.  
Novick: That's it. (He throws a grenade ingame killing Pierce and the President) Hehehe.  
President: That was highly uncalled for Mike.  
Mike: It's what the game is about Sir.  
President: But I'm your President.  
Novick: Not in the game. (He gets killed from behind by Logan)  
Logan: Hahaha!  
Novick: Dammit!  
Pierce: Pwned!

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Bill and Edgar are sitting on office chairs facing each other on the roof. Chloe is behind Edgar and Jimmy is behind Bill)

Edgar: I'm not sure about this Chloe.  
Chloe: Relax, you have more weight than him you will easily win.  
Edgar: Ohhh yeah.  
Bill: So how was your trip to Spain Jimmy?  
Jimmy: Was alright.  
Bill: Why are you back so soon.  
Jimmy: I wanted to be included in this... And I had an altercation with hotel security. I don't want to talk about it.  
Bill: Oh, well let's do this then. You ready Edgar?  
Edgar: Sure, why not.  
Bill: Okay go!

(Jimmy and Chloe push Bill and Edgar and the scene slows and stops)

-  
Clock.  
-----

(On Screen, over freeze frames of the characters)

Jack, Tony and Dave: Said screw it to fishing and went indoor go-karting. Tony crashed, alot. And subsequently swore, even more. Dave came last, twice. and Jack won everytime. He even did some donuts and taunted a crashed Tony. Who swore some more.  
Curtis: Had his party of dealers and hookers. And woke up in New Jersey.  
Chase: Went on his date with Kim. He had the steak, it was overcooked.  
Logan, Pierce and Novick: Played Halo for hours. Until Martha called Logan to bed. Novick and Pierce threw up.  
Martha: Called Logan into bed and watched Novick and Pierce throw up.  
Evelyn's Child: Sadly didn't become a shovel, but became a dumptruck driver instead.  
Brick: Had the massage and got slapped for trying it on with the masseuse.  
The Tramp and Marty: Are still fighting the system, and each other. Marty currently reside under the bigger tree.

As for Bill, Edgar, Chloe and Jimmy. Well they had a mighty good time.

(Bill and Edgar speed up and crash into each other)

Edgar: OWWWWWWW!  
Bill: My hip!  
Chloe: Shut up you big baby.

-  
Credits.  
-----

Writer: MasterRookie - Daniel Barker (Those credits sucked :P)

Stay tuned for Day 3.


	3. Day 2 Prequel

Previously On 24: The Parody.  
-----  
Jack sighs: Everyone, Sahib Hussain is dead. He killed himself before we could find out about the smuggled items. We failed. Bill?  
Bill: Jack?  
Jack: Phone President Logan and tell him what happened. Everyone. Tonights ordeal is over. We can keep looking for the items. But for now there seems to be no more threats to national security. Everyone can go home.  
-----  
Voice: Hello?  
Brick: It's me.  
Voice: Ahhh. Are the "Items" in your possession?  
Brick: Yes. After I escaped from the hospital I recovered them from Sahib.  
Voice: He is dead.  
Brick: I thought he would fail.  
Voice: He served his purpose.  
Brick: Yes.  
Voice: Does anyone know I am involved.  
Brick: No. No-one knows your identity.  
Voice: Good. It's a shame Jack had to live. Could have done without his interference in the coming fight.  
Brick: Yes. Soon our weapon will be complete. Soon we will have our revenge.  
Voice: Very good. Goodbye, Brick. Keep me updated.  
Brick: Yes. Very well. Goodbye Mr. Bauer.  
-----  
1 Month Later.  
-----  
Delivery Man: Here you go. (Hands safehouse keys to The Brick)  
The Brick: Thank you, here is your payment, in full, as promised. (Hands briefcase to Delivery Man)  
Delivery Man: Thanks. (Turns and walks away down the street. The Brick looks around and then enters the building. Upon seeing the items intact he exclaims): Ah good, the Boss will be pleased. (He heads further into the building to make a phone call)  
Brick: 6,1,3,5,5,5,1,8,0,7. (Waits for person to answer) Duh Duh, Duh Duh. (Person answers)  
Voice: Yello?  
Brick: Hello, Boss. It's me, Brick.  
Voice: I know your real name, dumbass. Now what do you want, Lesly?  
Brick: I have the "Items" at the safehouse.  
Voice: Good. They have been worked on and assembled all around the country for a month now. I was starting to get impatient.  
Brick: So what is the plan now?  
Voice: Errrrm... I knew I should have used this month more productively.  
Brick: So what HAVE you been doing?  
Voice: Let's see...um...there was the ambassador's dinner. That was good, I had a ferrero roche. Then there was the air show. I loop de looped in a bi-plane. Oh and I've been having lots of rampant sex with hot girls. How about you?  
Brick: I de-flead my dog, and started a diet. I've also been trying to get this task running on schedule.  
Voice: Are you on schedule? Because nothing can stop what we have planned.  
Brick: How about Jack Bauer? He could stop it.  
Voice: Yes, I suppose he could, I guess I will have to include his removal in my plans.  
Brick: What shall I do whilst you make your plans? And how long will it take?  
Voice: Walk your dog, I don't know. But it should only take me about 20 minutes. I'll call you back.  
Brick: Oh, okay. (Hangs up) Pooky? Pooky? Where is that damn dog.  
-----  
CTU.  
-----  
(Jimmy is throwing peanuts at Edgar, who is trying to catch them in his mouth)  
Edgar: You keep missing, and they keep going on the floor. (Bends to pick up some peanuts from the floor)  
Bill sees Edgar bending over: Oh, Christ. It's gonna eat me.  
Chloe walks over and slaps Bill across the head: Shut up. That's my fiance you're talking about.  
Bill: How could you marry that? He'll crush you on the wedding night.  
Chloe: He ain't crushed me yet.  
(Bill and Jimmy both vomit)  
Edgar: Sure has been quiet around here since that Marwan incident.  
Jimmy wiping vomit from his mouth: Has anyone else noticed that we only seem to have any work to do for one day every year?  
Bill: Isn't it great.  
Edgar: The rest of the time we can just play solitaire. (Goes over to the chocolate machine and gets a mars bar)  
Bill: We really should get that thing fixed.  
Jimmy: Plus, didn't you like, give up chocolate, like, a month ago, dude?  
Edgar: This (waves Mars bar for emphasis) is for Chloe.  
Jimmy: Like, that is so, like, chivalrous, dude.  
Bill: Oh My God. Jimmy's becoming Keanu Reeves.  
Jimmy: Whoa! I know Kung Fu. (Swings a fist through the air just missing Bill)  
Bill: Phew. (Gets hit by Jimmy's second trailing punch) Oww.  
Jimmy, looking shocked: Oh God. Sorry boss. (Helps Bill up) I don't know what came over me.  
Bill: That's okay. It's good to have some action around here for a change.  
Edgar: Yeah. Hey I hear Chase is staying at Curtis's house while he works here.  
Chloe: Poor Chase.  
-----  
Curtis's House.  
-----  
(The house if filled with smoke. Chase is stumbling around looking for something)  
Chase: CURTIS. CUUUUUUUURRTIIIIIIIIISS. C'MON MAN, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE. (Sees smoke coming from under a door) The fire must be in here. (Kicks down the door, and sees Curtis lying on a bed in a robe, surrounded by women, and smoking a huge joint)  
Curtis: Chase mon, come and saample dis fiiine jamaykan hash wit me and de ho's.  
Chase: We have to get back to work at CTU. They want to brief us on that assignment we have.  
Curtis: Alriaaat mon, I is cumman wit you. Jast gif me a secand. (Takes one last drag on his joint and stubs it out on one of his ho's)  
Ho: Ow papi, that hurt.  
Curtis: Shut it, bitch. (Slaps her) Dat's for tacking back to the pimp daddy.  
(Chase and Curtis go downstairs)  
Chase: I made you lunch. Oh, by the way, what was with the way you were talking up there?  
Curtis: Oh, they like it when I talk like a Jamaican. Plus the drugs kinda go to my head.  
Chase: I thought there was a fire going on, all that damn smoke.  
Curtis: Yeah, sorry about that.  
Chase sighs: At least Jack has Tony and Dave.  
-----  
Jack's House.  
-----  
(Dave and Tony are sitting on a couch, watching TV. Dave has a beer and Tony has an orange juice. Dave has a cane next to him)  
Dave: How's anger management going Tone?  
Tony: Not bad, not bad. I beat the shit out of a plant yesterday, but I'm making progress. For instance, there was a man next to the plant, and I barely touched him.  
Dave: Sweet. What the hell is taking Jack so long?  
(The door opens and Jack enters)  
Jack: I got the stuff. Tony, here's your Skittles, Dave, I got your gum. And I got this for me. (Pulls out a huge bag of popcorn)  
Dave: You hungry?  
Jack: You bet. Ever since I've been working out, I've been getting more and more hungry.  
(Tony has opened his skittles)  
Tony: DAMMIT! Most of them are yellow!  
Dave: Calm down Tone, remember your breathing exercise.  
Tony breathes deeply: I think it's working.  
Jack: That's good, 'cos I forgot your soda.  
Tony snaps and pulls out his gun: SON OF A BITCH! (Shoots Dave's cane to pieces)  
Jack: Look what you did to my couch!  
Dave: How am I supposed to walk without my cane?  
Jack: Don't worry. (Opens cupboard and pulls out another cane) I got some spares in case his happened.  
Dave: Wow, thanks Master, You think of everything.  
Tony: Jack get some more beers and we can watch the game.  
Jack: Right. (Grabs some beers from the fridge and jumps over the sofa, dropping a can on Tony's crotch) Whoops.  
Tony in a slightly high voice: Thanks.  
(They settle in and watch some Extreme Dodgeball)  
-----  
Safehouse.  
-----  
(Brick, now holding a small chihuahua, dials his phone. The Voice answer the phone on the other end)  
Voice: What is it now Lesly? Is there some problem with the items?  
Brick: No, they're all fine. I just got to programme them, and we can go ahead with the plan. You thought it through yet?  
Voice: Yes. Yes I have.  
Brick: So... Can you tell me the rest of the plan?  
Voice: Well, We will attempt to get Jack into the field and then I, looking like Jack, will impersonate him at CTU.  
Brick: Ooooo nice.  
Voice: Thanks. I will then throw CTU off of your scent and you place the Items in the co-ordinates I will soon send you.  
Brick: Right. And when the time comes. KABLOOIE!  
Voice: No. First we tell our demands to President Logan and then if he doesn't meet them.  
Brick: Then KABLOOIE?  
Voice sighs: Yes, Then KABLOOIE.  
Brick: They will never know what hit them.  
Voice: Well they might guess it was us as we would have threatened to do it.  
Brick: Oh yeah. It's a good plan Boss. When will this take place.  
Voice: In two weeks.  
-----  
Montage of CTU; Jack, Tony and Dave; and Chase and Curtis happily going about the day.  
-----  
Two Weeks later.  
-----  
Ep.2 of our parody coming soon. 


	4. Day 2

24: The Parody Day 2

Written By Sam Deere and Daniel Barker

(The Following Takes Place Between 8AM and ... Whenever)

-  
CTU.  
-----

Chloe: There, there, right there. That's it!

(Edgar places the bin on a desk opposite Chloe. She attempts to throw paper balls into it)

Edgar: I'm bored. I wish Jack was here. He always has exciting days.  
Chloe: Well tough. Jack deserves a holiday after all he's done for this country.  
Edgar: I'm still surprised of his choice of destination though.  
Chloe: Me too. At least he's getting some sun.

-  
A Sunny Beach.  
-----

(Jack is lying on a sun lounger in shorts and a hawaiian shirt. There is a drink on a table next to him)

Jack: I like sun, and sangria. (Drinks his Sangria)

(Jack's phone rings. Jack answers)

Jack: (To himself) Better be important. (To person on phone) You're jacked in. (Pause) Wrong number, sorry. (Hangs up the phone. He sighs happily and looks at his drink) Hey! There's no little umberella!

-  
Curtis' House.  
-----

(Curtis is waiting outside the bathroom)

Curtis: Hey Chase, you done in there? You been in there over an hour now.  
Chase: Sorry, I fell asleep in the bath. (He opens the door and walks out naked)  
Curtis: Ahhh, jeez my eyes!  
Chase: Sorry, you had no towels in there. I think Jack and Dave took them when they were here last week.  
Curtis: Jack and Dave were here?  
Chase: You're too high to remember, aren't you?  
Curtis: No idea, biatch.  
Chase: Yeah. Anyway, you think we'll be called in to work today?  
Curtis: Don't we have a week off for stopping that hippy bomb threat?  
Chase: There was no bomb threat. We just went out and shot some hippies. Then we listened to some gangsta rap.  
Curtis: Allllriiiiight. (He goes into the bathroom chuckling to himself)  
Chase: I'm gonna make some lunch.  
Curtis: Put some threads on first.  
Chase: Okay. (He heads to his room and dresses. He then heads downstairs and into the kitchen. The phone rings, he picks it up and answers) Hello? (Pauses) Oh hi Sonny. (Pauses) Right. (Long Pause) The warehouse in twenty minutes? Got it. (He hangs up)

(Curtis walks down the stairs)

Chase: Sonny called. We have to go to the warehouse.  
Curtis: Awwww shit. I wanted lunch.  
Chase: We can go to a drive-thru, let's go.  
Curtis: Mmmmmmmmm, food.

-  
Tony's House.  
-----

(Tony is lying in bed, asleep. Slowly he begins to wake up. When he wakes, he looks at the clock on his bedside table)

Tony: It's gone noon? I must have been tired last night.  
Female Voice: (Offscreen) You weren't too tired for what we did.  
Tony: And what is it that we d'OH MY GOD. (He turns over and sees the fattest woman he has ever seen lying next to him) I gotta stop drinking.  
Female, on the verge of tears: That's not very nice.  
Tony: Well, look at yourself. You're 1 blowhole away from being classified as a blue whale.  
Female: You're mean! (She starts to roll onto him)  
Tony: Awwwww shi- (Tony is engulfed. He feels himself being rocked back and forth. And a voice calling)  
Voice: Tony...Tony... TONY!

(He wakes up)

Dave: Hi. You okay?  
Tony: Oh good, just a nightmare. (He looks at Dave who is in the bed next to him) OH JESUS! Why are you in my bed?  
Dave: Sorry It was cold when I came in. (He climbs out)  
Tony: How did you get into my house?  
Dave: Spare key. My Master and I have one.  
Tony: I didn't give you two any spare keys, though.  
Dave: I know. I went out and got them made last week.  
Tony: How many spares did you make?  
Dave: Ummm, let's see. One each for me and master, one to keep at CTU, one for your mom, that nice man who offered to park my car outside.  
Tony now up and looking out the window: Uhh, Dave. Your car ain't out there, man.  
Dave: WHAT! (Runs to the window and looks out) Motherfucker! He stole my car. Better ring the police.  
Tony: You gave the guy who stole your car a key to my house?  
Dave: I didn't know he was a thief now, did I? Now, come on. We got to go to CTU.  
Tony: (German accent) Ja Wohl, Mein Commandant.

-  
CTU.  
-----

Edgar: Bill, I got a call through from Division. They have intercepted a call that is believed to be from The Brick, They are sending a recording through now. Also they are sending someone over here to do something, I couldn't make it out over the blare from Jimmy's music.

(Jimmy is listening to music on an iPod, nodding his head along with the beat)

Edgar: I made him put headphones in, he had it hooked up to those speakers. (Points to some huge speakers)  
Bill: Damn! They're huge! Hey, you see him try and run along that wall earlier?  
Edgar: Hehehe yeah. Straight into Michelle.  
Bill: Shame she had that hot coffee with her... Well, compare the recording with the one we have from The Brick's interrogation and see if they match.  
Edgar: Do I get a cookie?  
Chloe: No cookies for you, you're on a diet so you can fit in your wedding suit.  
Edgar: Yeah, yeah. I know. Hey, what's Jimmy doing?

(Chloe turns and looks at Jimmy, who has trapped a spider in an upside down glass. He takes a drag from a cigarette and exhales the smoke into the glass)

Jimmy: (To spider) Welcome to my life.  
Chloe: I don't know what the hell he's doing anymore. Earlier, he thought I was someone called Rufus.  
Bill: Stop chattering you two and get to work on that voice comparison.  
Edgar and Chloe: Yessir. (They salute)

(Bill heads back to his office. Lynn McGill enters, he walks over to Edgar)

Edgar: Can I help you?  
Lynn: Yes. I'm looking for Bill Buchanon?  
Edgar: He's in his office. (Points up to Bill's office) Up those stairs.  
Lynn: Thank you. (He heads to Bill's office. Watching Jimmy run in slow motion towards the toilets) Strange.

-  
Bill's Office.  
-----

(Bill is reading a Playboy)

Bill: Fake. Real. Fake. Fake. Hmmmmm... Probably fake. (A knock at the door causes him to look up) Come in.

(Lynn enters)

Lynn: Mr Buchanon, I'm Lynn McGill. I was sent by Division. They want Jack Bauer brought in on this new situation involving The Brick.  
Bill: He's on vacation right now, Mr McGill.  
Lynn: Well, call him back. Right now.  
Bill: Alright, alright. I'm doing it. (Picks up his phone and dials Jack)

-  
Sunny Beach.  
-----

(Jack is sleeping. The sound of his phone wakes him. He answers the phone)

Jack: Yeah? (Pause) I'm on vacation. (Pause) Can't Tony do it? (Pause) OK, I'll be there as quick as I can.

(Jack hangs up the phone, gets up off his sun lounger, walks along the beach to a door. He goes through the door out onto the CTU floor. We see the door is labelled 'Relaxation'. Jack walks along the floor to the stairs leading to Bill's office)

-  
Bill's Office.  
-----

(Jack enters)

Bill: Jack.  
Jack: Bill.  
Lynn: Jack.  
Jack: Who?  
Lynn: Oh, sorry, my name is Lynn McGill and I'm from division.  
Jack: Right. You're the guy that interrupted my vacation.  
Lynn: I'm sorry Jack, we need you right now. The Brick has resurfaced and we want you to find him.

(Jack sighs. Another one of those days)

-  
President Logan's Hotel Suite.  
-----

(Logan is bouncing up and down on his bed)

Logan: Does this seem right to you Mike?

(Novick has a shoulder length Blonde wig on)

Novick: Yes sir. Seems perfect.  
Logan: Good. Has Jack been brought back into CTU yet? (He does a starjump as he bounces)  
Novick: Yes sir. We should be hearing from Bill Buchanon any minute. (Long pause) Aaaaaany minute. (Another long pause) I'll phone them myself.  
Logan: I'll do it. (Picks up the phone) Yes, roomservice? Get me Jack Bauer on the line. (Pauses) To Novick: She doesn't know who Jack is.  
Novick: Give me the phone Sir.

(Martha Logan enters)

Martha: Hello Charles. Mike.  
Novick: Mrs Logan.  
Logan: Marty, do you believe that the roomservice people don't know who Jack Bauer is?  
Martha: (Deadly serious) It's a conspiracy, and it involves everyone in your cabinet.  
Logan to Mike: She sounds pretty serious about this.  
Novick: Of course she does Sir. But there is probably a more reasonable explanation.

(David Palmer appears at the doorway)

Palmer: Once a man, is now no longer, footprints left in sand. 5 turtles fell down, from the mountain. They came and took my hand.  
Martha: Charles, I called David in so that he could help you in today's situation. And because you can trust him. (She eyes Novick suspisiously)  
Novick: I think David could be a good asset Sir.  
Logan: Yes, good. David, what do you think of the softness of this bed?  
Palmer: Softness is rock. Rocks are forward.  
Logan: Excellant. (Turns to Mike) Mike I want you to give David your room.  
Novick: But Sir-  
Logan: Mike.. You can share with Pierce.  
Mike: Yes Sir. (He turns and walks out of the room to find his new roommate)  
Logan: David, your room is through those doors.  
Palmer: Thanks abound, in downtown.  
Logan: You got it, buddy.

(The phone rings)

Martha: That'll be CTU. (Eyes dart back and forth sharply) Or some more people conspiring against you.  
Logan answers phone on speaker: Hello?  
Bill: (On Phone) Mr President, you're on with Jack Bauer and Lynn McGill.  
Logan: Hello all. I have former president David Palmer with me.  
Palmer: 2 become 1, on the path to Guantanamo. A man lifts his leg, to find only Jello.  
Logan: Hehe, I love it when he does that.  
Bill: (On Phone) What the hell did he just say?  
Lynn: (On Phone) I heard Jello. (Pause) I'm hungry.  
Jack: (On Phone) Don't worry, I know what he's saying. I'll translate as best I can.  
Logan: Jack, I'm sorry we had to call you back from your vacation, but you caught The Brick before and we need you to do it again.  
Jack: (On Phone) I understand that sir.  
Bill: (On Phone) Mr. President, we have located the origin of the call made by Brick. He is in an industrial zone just North of here.  
Logan: Good, good. Go pick him up.  
Palmer: Silent moths fly low.  
Jack: (On Phone) Thank you Sir.  
Lynn: (On Phone) What did he say?  
Jack: (On Phone) Godspeed.  
Logan: Good bye. (Presses button on phone) They are idiots that they don't understand you.  
Bill: (On Phone) Errrr Sir. We are still here.  
Logan: Ahhhh Bill. How goes the operation to capture The Brick?  
Bill: (On Phone) We've only just started Sir.  
Logan: Well, get on with it man. Don't sit around all day talking to me.  
Bill: (On Phone) Yessir.

(Logan presses another button and the dialtone is heard)

Logan: There. Now, how about a scotch, David? Martha, care to join us?  
Martha: No, I need to get to the bottom of this conspiracy.  
Palmer: Remember, in one drawer, there is no handkerchief, but in another, there are 2 pies. 1 is cherry, 1 is vanilla. Eat one and die, eat the other and cease to live.  
Martha: Uh, yeah. Thanks.

-  
Clock.  
-  
CTU.  
-----

(Tony and Dave enter)

Dave: Yo yo yo, all the bitches in the house say 'YO!'

(Stone silence)

Dave: Ain't none of y'all bitches?  
Tony: Dude, don't try and be Curtis. It don't suit you.  
Dave: Okay.

(Jack approaches them)

Jack: Tony.  
Tony: Jack.  
Dave: Jack.  
Jack: Dave.  
Lynn: Tony, Dave.  
Tony: Who the hell are you?  
Jack: This is Lynn from division.  
Tony: Errm Right. (They head up to Bill's office) Tony nudges Dave and whispers: Isn't Lynn a girls name? (They both laugh at Lynn)  
Jimmy walks by playing an air guitar: Hey! Tony, Dave! It's totally rad that you're here.  
Dave: Riiiiight, thanks.

(Jimmy keeps on playing his air guitar and sees a suspicious man enter the computer room)

Jimmy: Hmmmm.

(Goes over to Edgar)

Edgar: Hey, Jimbo. What's up?  
Jimmy: Nothing, I hope. I got to check up on something.  
Edgar: While you're at it, check on Gary, see how he's doing. It's only his second day.  
Jimmy: Okey Dokey, dude.

(Jimmy leaves, and Tony comes over)

Tony: Hey, Edgar.  
Edgar: Oh, here we go.  
Tony: What you mean?  
Edgar: You're going to make a fat joke about me, aren't you.  
Tony: No, no. I came over to apologise. Part of my anger therapy.  
Edgar: Oh, cool. I accept your apology.  
Tony: Thank you. (Goes over to Dave) That was difficult. I need to smash something. (Takes Dave's cane and smashes it on the floor)  
Dave: Son of a.  
Jack: (Offscreen) Here ya go.

(A new cane is thrown on screen, and Dave catches it without looking)

-  
CTU Computer Room 2.  
-----

(A man is working on a secure computer terminal. Jimmy enters)

Jimmy: Sup.  
Man: Hi.  
Jimmy: I have a strange feeling of Deja Vu.  
Man: I met you before, when you had that terrorist crisis.  
Jimmy: Ahhhh yeah, Martouf right?  
Martouf: Yes. I'm here to, errrrr, fix this terminal.  
Jimmy: Okay. I'll leave you to it then. (He walks out of the room) Well THAT guy is suspicious.

-  
Bill's Office.  
-----

Bill: Jack, I need you to take some agents and pick up The Brick. That is all. (He takes out his Playboy)  
Jack: Yes Sir. (He leaves and walks down the stairs) Dave, Tony. Let's roll. We have a chopper waiting to take us to The Brick's warehouse. (He points to two random, less known CTU agents) You two are coming with us.  
CTU Agent: Damn. I should have told my wife I loved her this morning.  
Other CTU Agent: I'm glad I renewed my life insurance yesterday.  
CTU Agent: Bitch.

(They all leave)

Chloe: Godspeed, lil' agents.

-  
Novick and Pierce's Room.  
-----

(Novick and Pierce are lying on their beds, arguing)

Pierce: Presley!  
Novick: Cash!  
Pierce: PRESLEY!  
Novick: CASH!

(Logan enters)

Logan: What are you two arguing about?  
Novick: Nothing important, sir.  
Logan: Good.  
Novick: Errrmm Sir?  
Logan: Yes Mike?  
Novick: Why are you wearing speedos?  
Logan: Ahhhh yes. I'm heading to the pool. Would you guys mind joining me?

(Novick and Pierce exchange worried looks)

Novick: I, errr, don't want to get my wig wet.  
Pierce: And I am allergic to water.  
Logan: Shame. Well, come and tell me when CTU make any progress.  
Novick & Pierce: Yes Sir.

(Logan exits)

Pierce: Dumbass.  
Novick: Cash.  
Pierce: Presley.

-  
Sonny's Warehouse.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis pull up outside)

Curtis: All I'm saying, is that I would hit that. That's all.  
Chase: The person you so eloquently refer to as "that", happens to be my fiance, thank you very much.  
Curtis: I won't bring it up again, if you're gonna be so touchy about it.  
Chase: Thank you.

(Sonny comes out from the warehouse)

Sonny: Ah, C + C. You're late. Now, hurry up. The Boss wants all that (Indicates crates inside warehouse) moved to his house.  
Chase: Excuse me for asking, but who IS The Boss exactly? We haven't been told and we think we've earned the right to be told.  
Sonny: You've earned the right to...(Pistol whips Chase) That's what you've earned.

(Chase falls to the floor moaning)

Sonny: Any more questions?  
Curtis: No.  
Sonny: Good. Now get to work.

(Curtis and Sonny enter the warehouse and start to move boxes into a van Sonny has parked outside. Chase gets up kind of groggily and helps out)

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

(They have finished filling the van)

Sonny: Damn. We will have to make two trips. Carlos, you stay here and wait for us to return.  
Chase/Carlos: Right.  
Sonny: Clyde, you're with me.  
Curtis/Clyde: Fo' sure.

(Sonny and Curtis drive away. When they are out of site Chase goes inside and checks the contents of the boxes)

Chase: Oh Jesus...

(Takes out his cellphone and dials a number)

-  
CTU/Warehouse.  
-----

(A phone rings. Jimmy answers it)

Jimmy: Like, hello?  
Chase: Jimmy, it's Chase.  
Jimmy: Whoa, Chase. Aren't you, like, undercover?  
Chase: Put someone competent on the phone, will ya!  
Jimmy: Ritey O, dude. (Sees Chloe walking past) Here Chloe. Take this.  
Chloe: OK. (Takes phone) Hello?  
Chase: Chloe, it's Chase. I need you to tell Bill that me and Curtis are involved in the transportation of Weaponised Chlorine Gas. There's about 12 cases here at the warehouse, and Curtis is with Sonny, transporting the rest somewhere.  
Chloe: Jesus. That's alot. I'll tell him now. (She hangs up on Chase and dials Bill's office. She tells Bill Chase's situation)  
Bill: Sweet Jesus. Okay, track Curtis using his GPS chip. He should lead us to the Cartel. Have Chase wait for Sonny and Curtis to return and tell him to apprehend and bring Sonny back here.  
Chloe: Right. (Hangs up. Calls Chase)  
Chase: Chloe?  
Chloe: Bill says you're to bring Sonny back here when he gets back.  
Chase: Finally, a little payback on that Asshole. (Hangs up)

-  
Sonny's Van.  
-----

(The Crazy Frog is playing on the radio)  
Curtis/Clyde: Do you really like this shit?  
Sonny: Yeah dude, Crazy Frog rules.  
Curtis mumbling: Fucking Frog.

(They turn into a residential area and reverse into the driveway of a large house)

Curtis/Clyde: Ooooooh fancy.  
Sonny: Yeah, the boss needed somewhere for the kids, you know.  
Curtis/Clyde: Ah, I see.

-  
Chopper.  
-----

(Tony, Jack and Dave are sitting in the front. Jack is the pilot. The 2 CTU agents are sitting in the back, praying)

Tony: What are those 2 doing back there?  
Dave: Dude, they're miscellaneous agents accompanying Master on a mission. They know they're gonna die.  
Tony: True. So what radio stations does this thing get?  
Jack: I'unno. But don't turn it on, 'cos I can't concentrate with music playing.  
Tony: Fine. I'll just do this instead. (Opens window and throws Dave cane out of it)  
Dave: Why do you keep messing with my cane?  
Jack: It's the anger therapy. He needs a way to vent. Here, I have a spare. (Gets a cane from beside his seat)  
Dave: Thanks Master.

-  
LA Street.  
-----

(A jogging man stops to catch his breath and watches as a wooden cane splinters on the floor in front of him)

Man: Whoa! What the hell! (He looks up to see a dark black chopper flying overhead) Bastard Government types.

-  
Sonny's Warehouse.  
-----

(Chase is setting a trap for Sonny)

Chase: Excellant. Anyone walking through the door gets that block on their head. (Looks up to a precariously balanced large wooden block) Hehehe.

(He heads across the street to a KFC)

-  
CTU.  
-----

Edgar: Bill, I've traced Curtis to a residential area south of here.  
Lynn: I suggest sending 3 field units out to the house right now.  
Bill: After Chase and Curtis get here with Sonny, get them to interrogate him and find out who 'The Boss' is.  
Edgar: Right.

(Bill walks off)

Lynn: Did he just ignore me?  
Edgar: Pretty much. It's 'cos you're so short. Man, you're pretty much hobbit-like.  
Lynn: Dick.

-  
Parking Garage.  
-----

(Jack lands the chopper. Tony, Dave and the 2 CTU agents get out, followed by Jack)

Jack: Right, The Brick's warehouse is 2 blocks, that way. (Points) So agents, you and I are going to come in from the right. Tony, you and Dave go around and come in from the left.  
Tony: Got it Jack.  
Dave: Yes master.

(They all run off to the parking garage steps)

-  
Logan Hotel Room.  
-----

(Martha is trying to understand what Palmer is saying)

Martha: So you're saying it's all in my head?  
Palmer: Weak arms hold nothing. Peaches fair well in custard.  
Martha: Exactly.

(Logan enters in a towel)

Logan: I lost my speedos in the pool.

(A knock on the door is heard and Novick enters)

Novick: Sir. CTU is near to capturing The Brick. I thought you might want to know.  
Logan: Thank you Mike.  
Martha: Have you changed your hair Mike?

(Novick was now wearing a Ginger wig)

Novick: Ma'am, Agent Pierce insisted I wear this.  
Logan: Fabulous.  
Martha: It really suits you.  
Palmer: Chickens can fly, but choose to not let us see them fly.  
Logan: Absolutely.

-  
CTU Restroom.  
-----

(Jimmy enters and hears someone talking quietly on the phone. He sneaks closer and hears Martouf)

Martouf: Yes, you should get them now, before they leave. (Pause) Good. I have to get back. (He hangs up and leaves his cubicle)  
Jimmy: Hi.  
Martouf: Sorry, can't chat. Really busy.  
Jimmy: No sweat. (Martouf leaves) Who is this guy..?

-  
The Boss' House.  
-----

(Sonny and Curtis are unloading the last of the boxes)

Curtis/Clyde: C'mon, you can tell me, man. What's in these here boxes?  
Sonny: The Boss has sworn me to secrecy on this. I can't tell anyone.  
Curtis/Clyde: Will I get to see The Boss today? I AM at his house.  
Sonny: Here he is now. HEY BOSS!

(A man who looks in his 60's walks over. He has thinning hair and a grey moustache)

Boss: Hello. You must be Clyde. (He speaks with a russian accent)  
Curtis/Clyde: 'Sup. Can you tell me what is in these boxes?  
Boss: I'm afraid not. Not unless you want to live.  
Curtis/Clyde: Well, I'm good. You know there are still more of these back at the warehouse right?  
Boss: Yes. Along with your friend. Chase wasn't it?  
Curtis/Clyde: Yeah, tha-  
Boss: Guys..

(Four men grab Curtis)

Boss: Curtis Manning. It's a pleasure.  
Curtis: Awwww shit.

-  
The Brick's Warehouse.  
-----

(Jack and the 2 CTU agents are sneaking toward the entrance. Jack signals to the agents to go in while he provides cover fire. The agents shake their heads)  
Jack whispering: I'll do it myself then.

(Jack kicks open the door, shoots randomly into the building, and runs in. The 2 agents just look at each other in amazement)

CTU Agent 1: That was fricking awesome, dude.  
CTU Agent 2: That was the most frickinest awesome thing I have ever seen.  
CTU Agent 1: Poop, now it's our turn. You go, I'll cover you.  
CTU Agent 2: To heck with that, you go, I cover.  
CTU Agent 1: Go together?  
CTU Agent 2: We ride together.  
CTU Agent 1: We die together.  
Both: Bad Boys for life!

(They both kick the door and are within seconds riddled with machine gun bullets)

Jack: Lousy morons.

(Over at the other entrance, Dave and Tony have entered the building)

Dave: I count three dead bodies. Oh.  
Tony: What?  
Dave: Two are those other agents we had with us. HA! You owe me $20.  
Tony: SHIT! (Shoots Dave's cane)  
Dave: Damn you! (A cane comes sliding across the floor towards them) Thanks Jack. (Tony steps forward and breaks it in two)  
Sonofa-

(All three agents gather in the centre of the warehouse)

Jack: No more enemies. (He hands Dave a cane) Wonder where The Brick is?  
Dave: Maybe he's upstairs Master.  
Jack: Good point. (They head upstairs and reach a door) You guys ready? (They nod) Alright. Thumbs up. Let's do this!

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
The Brick's Warehouse.  
-----

Tony: That was a fucking awesome capture. You dodged 50 machine gun bullets, and tackled him down.  
Jack: I couldn't have done it, if Padawan hadn't used his cane as a boomerang to knock the gun out of his hand.  
Dave: And how about when Tony got that broken bottle and started slashing aimlessly in his general direction?  
Jack: Yeah, we ruled. (Turns to The Brick) Now, what shall we do with him?  
Dave: Torture?  
Tony: Too easy. Why don't we take him back to CTU, and question him?  
Jack: Yeah. We'll make Edgar sit on him or something. (Jack takes out his phone and calls Bill's Office) Bill? It's Jack.  
We have The Brick and are bringing him in for questioning. You can tell the President. (He hangs up) Right let's blow this joint.

-  
Sonny's Van.  
-----

(Curtis has been tied up and they are heading back to the warehouse and Chase)

Curtis: Can't you at least tell me your name? I don't wanna keep calling you 'Boss.  
Boss, laughing: My name is 'Shalashaska'. Also known as, Terry.  
Curtis: Terry? That doesn't sound Russian at all.  
Terry: My mother loved those damn chocolate oranges too much.  
Curtis: Oh man, I'm sorry.  
Terry: Yes. Anyway, enough about me. When we get to the warehouse you will enter and tell your friend that you have subdued Sonny and lure him out here. If you tell him about us we will remote release the canisters in the warehouse.  
Curtis: Awwwww shit.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Bill is dialling the president. Lynn is also in the room)

Bill: Duh, duh duh. (The phone is answered) Mr President?  
Martha: (On Phone) No, it's the first lady. But anything you say to my husband, you can say to me. Unless you're a conspirator. You're not a conspirator, are you?  
Bill: I'm not a conspirator, Mrs Logan. My name is Bill Buchanon, I am the head of CTU. I'm here with Lynn Gamgee.  
Lynn: It's McGill, dammit.  
Bill: Whatever. Anyway, Mrs Logan, could you tell the president that Jack Bauer and his team have captured The Brick and are bringing him in for questioning.  
Martha: (On Phone) Yes, alright. But if I find out you've been conspiring against Charles' administration, so help you...

(Bill hangs up the phone)

Bill: What IS it with her and conspiracy theories? Huh, Samwise?  
Lynn: I HATE YOU! MY NAME IS LYNN, DAMMIT.  
Bill: But that's a girls name.  
Lynn: I hate you. (He walks off)  
Bill: What's his problem?

(Lynn has gone to Edgar's desk)

Lynn: Edgar I want you to have a holding room ready for when Jack returns.

(Jimmy walks by holding two pills, one is red and the other blue)

Lynn: Errrr, Jimmy?  
Jimmy: Yeah?  
Lynn: You can't take drugs inside CTU.  
Jimmy: They're for my head. I think I listened to my music too loudly.  
Lynn: Oh, okay then. But you can only take one. You must choose. Red or Blue.

(Jimmy walks off pondering his choice. Lynn turns back to Edgar)

Lynn: Ooooh a Mars. (He reaches for the Mars bar)  
Edgar: NOO! (He lashes out at Lynn) I won't let you take the Precious!  
Lynn: Whoa! Calm down! Jeez.

(Jimmy sees Martouf talking on the phone in a darkened corridor, eyes darting back and forth. Jimmy eyes him suspiciously)

Jimmy: Weird.

-  
CTU Medical Room.  
-----

(Chloe and Michelle are talking)

Chloe: How you feeling since Jimmy accidentally scalded you?  
Michelle: I'm feeling good, you know. It hurt at first, but I got past that quite quickly. How are things with you and Edgar?

(A doctor enters and starts checking Michelle's stats)

Chloe: Good, you know. But I think Eddy is having pre-wedding jitters. He's been throwing up a lot lately.  
Doctor: Maybe it's just those diet pills I prescribed him.  
Chloe: What?  
Doctor: He came in here last week, begging me to prescribe diet pills. He said his fiance wanted him to slim down for their wedding. I thought he just wanted to be healthier, but now that I've been in a room with you for 2 minutes, I see why he wanted to do as you said. You're very scary.  
Chloe: I am not scary.  
Doctor: To him you are. He was crapping himself with the thought that he wouldn't look the way you wanted him to. (Pops a vicodin)  
Michelle: Are you taking drugs?  
Doctor: I'm in pain.  
Chloe: I'm out of here. See ya soon, Michelle.  
Michelle: See ya. (To doctor) How am I doing Doc?  
Doctor: Well, Mrs Dessler. There's no lasting damage from the scald. Looks like you and your baby will be fine.

-  
CTU Chopper.  
-----

(Jack is flying the helicopter back to CTU. Dave and Tony are watching The Brick. Tony gets a phone call)

Tony: Sup.  
Michelle: (On Phone) Tony I have some news.  
Tony: What is this about? It's my turn to pull out a Jenga block.  
Michelle: (On Phone) I'm pregnant.  
Tony: Did you.  
Michelle: (On Phone) Yes. I don't know who the father is but, I think it's you.  
Tony: Wow. Can we talk about this when we get back?  
Michelle: (On Phone) Sure. See you soon. Bye. (Hangs up)

(Tony looks shocked. And then angry)

Tony: Dammit! (He grabs dave's cane and smashes it over The Bricks head)  
Dave: That's really starting to bug me.  
Jack: And me. (He hands Dave a cane)  
Tony: Guys, I may be a father.  
Dave: Congratulations.  
Jack: That's great, Tone. If you need advice, I'm always available to talk to.  
Tony: That's nice of you. So if I want to know what to do to get my child kidnapped, I'll call you.  
Jack: Why you gotta say hurtful things?  
Tony: Sorry. And sorry, Davey, for smashing your cane all those times.  
Dave: S'orite. Now take your turn.

(Tony takes a block from near the bottom of the Jenga tower. Suddenly, Jack rocks the helicopter back and forth, knocking over the tower)

Tony: FUCKER!  
Jack: That's for the kidnapping comment. Now sit down.

-  
Sonny's Warehouse.  
-----

(Terry, Sonny and Curtis have pulled up to the warehouse in the Van. Terry tells Curtis to go and get Chase)

Terry: Bring your friend out here, or we release the gas.

(Curtis heads towards the warehouse and pushes open the door. The block of wood falls on his head and knocks him out)

Chase: Yes! I got someone. (He looks over one of the boxes) Awwwwww crap. That asshole. (He runs over to Curtis)  
Sonny: Freeze. (He holds a gun to Chase's head) Seem familiar? (Pistol whips Chase)

Chase: Ooooowww! (Collapses to the floor)  
Sonny: That'll teach you.  
Terry from outside: DRAG THEM OUT HERE AND PUT THEM IN THE VAN!  
Sonny: Can do, boss.

-  
CTU Roof.  
-----

(The chopper lands. Tony and Dave escort the Brick out, whilst Jack shuts down the engines)

Jack radios Bill: Bill, we just landed on the roof. We'll be there in 2 minutes. (Shuts off radio)  
Tony: Hey, Jack. Mind if I run ahead? I got to take a leak, then go see Michelle.  
Jack: Sure. Just be ready to interrogate Brick, alright?  
Tony: Got it. (He runs on ahead down the stairwell, as Jack and Dave drag The Brick over to the elevator)

Jack: I should tell you Brick, that we have perfected the interrogation technique we used on you last time.  
Brick: Oh God.

(The elevator arrives and they enter it. The doors close and Green Sleeves plays)

Dave: Damn elevator music. We should use this to get information from people.

(The elevator opens up and Edgar steps in. Dave, Jack and Brick squeeze into the corners)

Jack: God Edgar. Have you gained weight?

Edgar: No, I've been dietting. And I got these diet pills from the doctor.  
Jack: Must be my eyes, then. Dave: Is it that new doctor? Always popping pills? Walks with a limp?  
Edgar: Yeh, that's the one.  
Dave: He told me that a cane is like babe bait. Better than a puppy, he said. I stopped needing this (Shakes cane around for emphasis) a week ago, but I still use it for the ladies.  
Jack: Awesome.

-  
CTU Stairwell.  
-----

(Tony comes down the last few steps. He looks at the sign on the wall to see which floor he's on)

Tony: Floor 5. Aaaw shit, another two floors to go. I'm gonna lie here for a minute. (Lies down on the floor. After a couple of seconds, the stairwell door opens and Jimmy walks through)

Jimmy: Whoa Tony. You alright man?  
Tony: Yeah, just needed a breather. What are you doing on this floor?  
Jimmy: I'm, like, following this waaaay suspicious guy. He's like all mysterious and stuff. He freaks me out.  
Tony: Okaaaay. Help me up?

(Jimmy helps Tony up. Then he jumps over the railing down five floors and walks off)

Tony: What the-! (He walks down his two flights and heads to the infirmary)

-  
Sonny's Van.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis are tied up in the back of the van. They lean in close to whisper to each other)

Chase: How we gonna get out of this?  
Curtis: Hell, I don't know. Wanna get high?  
Chase: How would that help?  
Curtis: It's fun to get high, biatch.  
Chase: Is that all you think about? Getting high and hos?  
Curtis: Pretty much.  
Chase: Cool. But we need a plan to get out of this mess.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
Sonny's Van.  
-----

(The van is full of smoke, Sonny and Terry are high)

Curtis: Man these guys are lightweights.  
Sonny: Whoa! Watch out for that pink elephant!

(Terry swerves the truck around a slow moving car and hits the kerb bouncing onto the pavement. The truck hits a fire hydrant and slows to a stop)

Terry: Weeeeeeeeee!  
Chase: C'mon Curtis let's go. These guys are pathetic. (They leave the van and sneak away)  
Terry: Where have our friends gone?  
Sonny: Hehe they must be hiding. Let's go find them. (They get their guns out and go searching for Chase and Curtis)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jimmy is leading Edgar somewhere)

Jimmy: I tell ya, dude. This guy is really suspicious. I think he may be planning something. (Gary walks past) Wassup Gary?  
Gary stops to talk: I'm really swamped. I just spilled coffee on one of the servers and .  
Jimmy interrupting: Figure of speech, moron.  
Gary: Jerk. (Walks off)  
Edgar: So who's this suspicious guy?  
Jimmy: Him. (Points to Martouf)  
Edgar: Oh, Martouf. He's on the low 'cos he's planning Bill's secret birthday party.  
Jimmy: What? You knew about this?  
Edgar: Oh yeah. I asked him to do it 'cos I'm pretty busy today. Can I get back to work now?  
Jimmy: Sure. (Edgar leaves) Hmmmm. I still think he's odd.

-  
An LA Hotel Room.  
-----

The Voice: Do you have suitable cover in CTU?  
CTU Mole: (On Phone) Yes. no-one suspects a thing. There is one guy that wondered about a CTU breach. But he shouldn't be any trouble.  
Voice: Good. Soon I will start my plan to apprehend Jack Bauer and take his place. I will need all the information you have gathered when I am inside.  
CTU Mole: (On Phone) Okey Dokey. See you soon Boss. (He hangs up)

(The Voice puts on some pay per view porn)

Voice: Sweeeeet.

-  
CTU Infirmary.  
-----

(Michelle is lying in bed. Tony enters)

Tony: Y'orite?  
Michelle: Yeah, I'm ok Tony: So, um...you're um...ya know.  
Michelle: Yes, I am. Are you OK with that?  
Tony: Would I have to do anything?  
Michelle: If you want.

(Jack and Dave enter)

Jack: Hey Michelle.  
Dave: Yo, Michelle, heard El Tonio here knocked you up.

(Tony punches Dave)

Dave: Owwwwwww.  
Tony: You deserved it.  
Jack: At least he didn't break your cane.  
Tony: It's only 'cos he didn't have it with him.  
Jack: So... Michelle, are you sure Tony is the father?  
Michelle: I think so. The doctor said I was 2 months in. That was when I was still with Tony before that other incident we had.  
Jack: Ooooooh right. I can't imagine Tony as a dad.  
Tony: What are you implying Jack? That I couldn't raise a kid? Mr. 'My daughter gets kidnapped alot'  
Dave confused: But, Master's surname is Bauer, not that daughter thing. Tony: You're an idiot.  
Dave: Shut up.  
Jack to Michelle, sarcastically: Yeah, he'll be a great father. Anyway, guys, we got to interrogate Bricky Boy. (Gets up to leave)  
Tony: I need a drink first.  
Jack: Okay. But no alcohol.  
Tony: Fine. (He walks out)  
Jack: Let's go Padawan.  
Dave: Right.  
Jack: See ya Michelle. (They leave)

-  
CTU Interrogation Room 2.  
-----

(Bill is waiting with The Brick for Jack)

Brick: How have you been?  
Bill: I've been well. You?  
Brick: Working hard to attack this country.  
Bill: Damn you, you bastard. (Slaps Brick)  
Brick: Stupid american.  
Bill: Aren't you american?  
Brick: (Awkward pause) That's not the point now, is it.  
Bill: No, I guess not.

(Jack and Tony enter)

Jack: OK, Bill. We're here now, you can go watch behind the screen with Dave.  
Tony: Yeah. Go wait with Dave.

(Bill leaves)

Jack: Right, Brick. You're going to tell us what you've been up to, and you're gonna tell us now.  
Brick: I would rather die.  
Tony: (Pulls out his gun) That can be arranged.  
Jack: (Calmly) Put the gun away, Tony.

Tony: Can't I just shoot him a bit? Jack: No.  
Tony: Spoilsport.  
Jack: Remember what I told you before Brick? About our new torture technique? (He takes out a cd player and starts playing The Crazy Frog)  
Brick: Oooooh I like this song.  
Tony: Damn. Jack, we need plan B.  
Jack: Right. (He knocks on the glass) Dave, Plan B.

(Dave leaves the viewing room)

Brick: What is plan B?  
Jack grinning: You'll see.

(The door opens and Edgar enters)

Edgar: I was told there was something for me to eat in here.  
Brick: No, anything but that. Please, I'll tell you anything. Just don't let him eat me.  
Jack: He's not going to eat you, but he will sit on you, when I tell him to. NOW START TALKING!  
Brick: (Sweating) OK, OK. I was hired by a man known as Steve Garner...

(Jack seems to recognise that name)

Brick continued: He wanted me to get possession of some items that were being imported into this country disguised as a carpet shipment.  
Tony: But, what are these items?  
Brick: I'm not telling you that.  
Jack: Edgar.

(Edgar gets up and goes to sit on Brick)

Brick: AARRGGHHH! My pelvis.  
Edgar: Do I get anything for this?  
Tony: You won't feel my wrath, and you can have this. (Hands Edgar Dave's cane with ketchup on it)  
Dave: (From behind the glass) BASTARD!

(Edgar chomps on the cane)

Edgar: Mmmmmmmm.  
Brick: Oh God. I'll tell you what you want to know. The items are... (He manages to shove Edgar off of him and grab the cane.  
He stabs it in Tony's leg)  
Tony: Fucker! (He shoots the Brick)  
Jack: NOOOOOO! (He checks The Brick's pulse) He's dead. Dammit Tony!

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

(Tony, Dave and Jack are walking across the floor, toward Chloe)

Chloe: Was my Eddy bear of any use?  
Jack: He was, until Brick decided to stab Tony in the leg with Dave's cane.

(Entire room gasps. No-one has ever messed with Tony and lived)

Tony: That's right. I showed him who was boss.  
Jack: You shot him point blank in the heart.  
Tony: It showed him who was boss though, didn't it.  
Dave: He has a point, Master.  
Jack: Shut up, Dave. (Turns to Chloe) I want you to run a search on the name Steve Garner. Any properties that have been purchased or leased by him in the past 2 months.  
Tony: And install World of Warcraft on my station, over there. (Points randomly)

(They walk off)

Tony: Jack, do you know who Steve Garner is?  
Jack: I can't place the name. Hmmmmm... Chloe and Edgar's search should clear things up.

-  
LA Hotel Bar.  
-----

(The Voice aka Steve Garner is having a drink. He receives a phone call)

CTU Mole: (On Phone) We have a problem.  
Steve: What now?  
CTU Mole: (On Phone) Brick has been captured and killed by CTU. He told them your name.  
Steve: Only my name?  
CTU Mole: (On Phone) Yes.  
Steve: Okay. Keep me posted.

-  
LA Back Alley.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis stop for a breather)

Curis: Shit man. I gotta keep in shape.  
Chase: I thought you would be used to running, being...um.  
Curtis: Being what?  
Chase: Um, being ...a man.  
Curtis: Oh. I thought you were going to say 'being black.  
Chase: I would never do that. I'm not racist. You know I love the nnnnnnnormal regular african american people.  
Curtis: Shut up man, and ring CTU. Tell 'em what happened.  
Chase: Now, THAT I can do.  
Curtis: Stop jibba-jabbaring and dial, fool.  
Chase: Yessir. (Gets out his phone and dials CTU. A foreign man answers)  
Foreign Man: Jes?  
Chase: Who is this?  
Foreign Man: This is Peter Mayhew.  
Chase: THE Peter Mayhew? Chewbacca?  
Foreign Man: No. Just the same name.  
Chase: Shame. I wanted to hear some Wookiee talk.  
Foreign Man: I can do an impression if you like?  
Chase: Ooooh okay.  
Forein Man: Okay, let's see... (He is cut off as Curtis grabs the phone and hangs up)  
Curtis: Dude, It must have been a wrong number. Now call CTU.  
Chase: OK, OK. (Presses Redial. Peter Mayhew answers again) MAKE THE WOOKIEE SOUNDS!  
Curtis: (Takes phone and hangs up) Goddammit, I'll ring CTU. (Dials CTU) It's ringing. (The phone is answered. Once again, Peter Mayhew is on the other end)  
Mayhew: Yes?  
Curtis: Is this CTU Los Angeles?  
Mayhew: This is the main switchboard. Who would you like to speak to?  
Curtis: Bill Buchanon please.  
Mayhew: Good choice. Connecting you now. Anything else?  
Curtis: (Pause) Do a wookiee sound for me? (Mayhew does so) Awesome.  
Chase: Why do you get to do that and I don't?  
Curtis: Cos.. Shut up, that's why.

(Bill answers the phone)

Bill: Hi.  
Curtis: It's Curtis.  
Bill: Oh. Hi, how have you been? We haven't heard from you in a while. You captured Sonny yet?  
Curtis: No man. They knew who me and Chase were. Dunno how but they did. This boss man named Terry found us out. He's Sonny's boss.  
Bill: Hmmmmm. So where are you now?  
Curtis: Hell knows. We been runing from these guys for a while now. They always behind us, it's fucked up.  
Bill: Okay. I'll get Chloe to pinpoint your location using your GPS chip in your phone. I'll then send a helicopter to pick you and Chase up.  
Curtis: Slammin'. Thanks Billy boy. (Hangs up) Yo, Bill is sending us a chopper and some guys to pick us up.  
Chase: Yay.

(From the other end of the alley a bullet flies their way)

Chase: Let's move it.  
Curtis: Got it, cracka.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chloe is finishing up the search. She calls over to Jack)

Chloe: HEY, JACK. I'VE DONE YOUR SEARCH. THERE'S SOMETHING I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE.  
Jack: OK CHLOE. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. (Walks over to Chloe's station) What have you got?  
Chloe: I searched for the name 'Steve Garner' like you said, and it came up with a huge list of drug busts. FOR the police. Steve Garner was an alias for a man named.  
Jack: (Interrupting) Eric Bauer.  
Chloe: You know him?  
Jack: (Gives Chloe a look, then starts to speak) He's my brother. Twin brother, actually. We were told he died in the line of duty. Getting shot in the back whilst securing 5 bags of cocaine in a police van.  
Chloe: Bummer. Well, I got a last known address, if you want to go search it.  
Jack: Thanks, Chloe. Hey, look at Tony. (They look over at Tony, who is playing World of Warcraft)  
Tony: Goddammit Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell.

(Bill comes down his stairs)

Bill: CHLOE, I want you to trace the GPS signal in Curtis' phone and send the coordinates to a chopper to pick him and Chase up.

(Lynn walks over to Bill's side)

Lynn: Yes. You have orders, obey them.  
Bill: Where'd you appear from? (Lynn shrugs)  
Jack: Tony, Dave. Let's roll.  
Tony: But I'm playing.  
Dave: We don't need that nerd with us Master.  
Tony: SONOFA-- (Smashes Dave's cane over computer) Well I'm done playing. (He walks off toward the car park)  
Jack: Well, let's go Padawan.

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Chase receives a phone call)

Chase: Chase Edmonds.  
Chloe: It's Chloe, I have dispatched a chopper unit to rendevous at your location. You should head to a small park just South of where you are. The chopper can land there.  
Chase: Thanks Chloe. (Hangs up)  
Curtis: What's up?  
Chase: They sent a chopper to pick us up.  
Curtis: Cool.  
Chase: Yeah.  
Curtis: So which way we gotta go?  
Chase: South. Which is, um... THAT WAY!  
Curtis: You sure?  
Chase: 60 of the time, I'm right every time.  
Curtis: Uh, yeah. Cool, let's go.

-  
Logan Hotel Room.  
-----

(Presidents Logan and Palmer are talking about the terrorist plot)

Logan: What do you think their motives are?  
Palmer: Ducks soiled in diapers. Spaghetti greens grow sour.  
Logan: Religion eh? Isn't it always.

(Novick enters)

Logan: Ahhh Mike. What news from CTU?  
Novick: The Brick has been killed in custody but they managed to obtain the name of his employer. Eric Bauer.  
Logan: Jack's dead brother? But isn't he dead? Didn't he die?  
Novick: Yes sir. So either someone is impersonating him, or he didn't really die.  
Martha: It's all a cover up. To protect the aliens.  
Logan: Sweet, aliens.  
Novick: An alien invasion WOULD boost your approval rating, sir.  
Palmer: Informal oxen deface the buffalo. Dead garbage eaten by the blob.  
Logan: An alien invasion AND an attack by The Blob? My presidency rules.  
Novick: Yes. It does. Now, I am going to brush my hair. (He is wearing a ginger afro wig) See you later. (Leaves)  
Logan: Wasn't he bald yesterday?  
Martha: It's a cover up.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

(Jack, Tony and Dave are driving along, listening to the radio)

Dave: Doo doo doo, c'mon and do the conga, doo doo doo.  
Tony: Do you have to sing along?  
Jack: He sings to a hairbrush in the bathroom.  
Tony: Teeheehee.  
Dave: Hey! That's supposed to be a secret.  
Jack: Sorry. Where does the GPS tell us to go now?  
Tony: Take a left.

(They turn into a quiet residential area)

Dave: Chloe said it's the 5th house from the end of this street.  
Tony: Oooh look at that car.  
All: Ooooh.

(The SUV runs over something)

Jack: Uh-oh.  
Tony: Did you just run over something?  
Jack: Think so. Shall we see what it was?  
Dave: Yeah.

(Jack stops the car and they all get out to see what they just hit. Tony goes on ahead of Jack and Dave)

Jack: It looks like some kind of bear.  
Dave: How did you not see something that big at this time? It's not even mid afternoon.  
Jack: I don't know. Let's just see what it was.  
Tony: HEY JACK. YOU JUST RUN OVER CHUCK NORRIS!  
Jack: Holy shit, really?  
Tony: Nah. It seems to be some kind of rug. You really think Chuck Norris would live in this kind of place?  
Jack: Not really. I wonder who left this here? (They look around) No-one seems to be here.  
Dave: Let's go then.

(They get back in the SUV and head to Eric's house)

Tony: There it is. (Tony points to a green house. They pull up a few houses down) Now what?  
Jack: Okay. You jump over the back garden fences and enter from the rear. I will take the front entrance. Dave, you can climb up the drainpipe and enter through that small window on the side.  
Tony: Great.  
Dave: I can't climb 'cos of my leg.  
Jack: (Sighing) You and Tony can swap then.  
Tony: Fine. Shall we radio in when we're ready?  
Jack: Yeah. Thumbs up let's do this.  
Tony: Wait, wait. You just said 'enter from the rear'. Hehehehehe.  
Jack: Goddammit. You ready now? (Tony nods) ALRIGHT THUMBS UP, LET'S DO THIS. JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK BAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUEEER!

(They all burst into the house from their seperate entrances, except Tony, who falls to the ground)

Tony: MOTHERFUCK, THAT HURT. (Goes in through the door)

(Jack is securing the kitchen and hallways)

Jack: Clear. (Moves through the house to the next room) Clear. (Gets to the stairs, meeting Dave and Tony there) I'll go first, Tony, you follow. Dave?  
Dave: Yes Master?  
Jack: Stay here and warn us if anyone comes in.  
Dave: Roger roger.

(Jack and Tony slowly head upstairs. Jack motions Tony to go left and through a door. Jack goes right and enters a bathroom.  
They both clear another room and are either side of a main bedroom. They both burst in and Tony shoots at the occupant.

Jack: STOP SHOOTING JACKASS! (Tony stops)

(A dressed up mannequin is facing Jack)

Jack: Hehehe. (The face has a huge hole blown in it from Tony's gunfire) He got owned. If that had been our man, you would be in serious trouble.  
Tony: I knew what it was.  
Jack: Riiiiight. Hey, it's holding a note. (Tony takes it and reads it out)  
Tony: (Reading) 'I knew you were coming for me. I guess it's that twin thing. You ever get that? Like you can sense what I'm doing or thinking. I had it once when you killed that guy, Jack. I felt it. I loved it. So how you been? I've got this rash.' OH GOD 'Doctor says I need to put ointment on it every three hours. It itches like a motherfucker.' Why is he telling us all this?  
Jack: I'unno. Just skip ahead to anything useful.  
Tony: Rite O. Um... here we go. 'You'll never get the canisters. Nah nah nah nah nah nah.' Hmmm, mature.  
Jack: He always was the immature one.

(Dave birdcalls from downstairs)

Tony: What the hell was that?  
Jack: I think it was Dave. Someone must have come in.  
Tony: Oh. Dave may be dead by now then.  
Jack: Possibly.

(They head downstairs, guns drawn. Dave points to a van that has pulled up in the house opposite)

Dave: No-one has got out of that van.  
Tony: Weird. Let's go out the backdoor. (They leave through the backdoor and head back to the SUV) Damn van is still there.  
Dave: Should we follow it?  
Jack: No. We don't know what that van is doing or even if it is linked to my brother. But we need to find those damn canisters. Let's head back to CTU.

-  
LA Park.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis are watching the chopper descend into the park. Sonny and Terry have been following it's descent also)

Terry: Wait until they are picked up and in the air, then blow it out of the sky when I give the signal.  
Sonny: Can do.

(The chopper lands, picks up Chase and Curtis and takes off again)

Terry: ... NOW!

(Sonny presses a button on a remote he is holding. Nothing happens to the chopper)

Terry: What the hell? Why didn't the chopper explode?  
Sonny: Because there wasn't a bomb on it.  
Terry: I thought our mole had planted a bomb on a chopper.  
Sonny: Must have been the wrong chopper.  
Terry: So, we just blew up a chopper somewhere else in LA?  
Sonny: I assume so.

-  
Elementary School.  
-----

(Safety Squid is leaving the school to get into his helicopter. Just as he gets in and shuts the door, the chopper explodes.  
All the children scream and cry)

-  
LA Park.  
-----

Terry: Dammit. I guess we will have to let the mole deal with them.  
Sonny: How we gonna get back? We lost our van. I can't remember where the hell we have got to.  
Terry: Let's just steal another one.  
Sonny: Alright.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Edgar is watching the news)

News reporter: We have just received shocking news that the Safety Squid has been assassinated. His helicopter blown to pieces moments ago. This amateur footage shows the devastation. (Some shakey footage is shown of the helicopter exploding and children crying) After the break, a cow that can juggle? Find out soon.  
Edgar: Ooh, a juggling cow.

(Jimmy comes over)

Jimmy: I can carry nearly eighty gigs of data in my head.  
Edgar: You're weird.  
Jimmy: I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.  
Edgar: (Stares in disgust) OH GOD, GET OUT OF MY PRIVATE AREA.  
Chloe: (From across the room) ONLY I'M ALLOWED THERE. BITCH.  
Jimmy: Well, Edgar, I think your experiment just got a mind of its own. Edgar: That's my girlfriend, ya jackass.

-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

Dave: You know what rules?  
Tony: Television?  
Jack: Me?  
Tony: The President? Oooooh Twinkies!  
Dave: No dammit. Our jobs. We get to save the country and kill people. Just like in the movies.  
Jack: Yeah. But I rule too right?  
Tony: Yeah ya do.  
Jack: Kickass. (Jack's phone rings. It's Jimmy) Hi Jimmy. Whats up?  
Jimmy: (On Phone) Do you think I'm weird?  
Jack: Errrr no, why?  
Jimmy: (On Phone) Edgar said I was. The way he looked at me fills me with dread. As if I have a part to play in a story that is not known to me. Jack: Riiiiight. But Edgar's fat.  
Tony: Too right. Just like the woman in my dream.

(Jack and Dave exchange worried looks)

Jimmy: (On Phone) Hehehe yeah. Thanks Jack. Party on, dudes!  
Jack: You're welcome. Tell Bill we'll be back at CTU soon. (Hangs up)  
Tony: (Embarassed) I dreamt...I was walking...down a street, and there was this, uh, really fat woman.  
Jack: Whatever dude.

-  
Chopper.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis are sitting in the back of the chopper talking)

Curtis: Y'ever see Jaws: The Revenge?  
Chase: No one did. Why?  
Curtis: Just wondering. You think that could ever happen?  
Chase: A man-eating shark following someone from California to The Bahamas. Hmmm, it could happen, I suppose.  
Curtis: Sweet.  
Chase: You think Godzilla could ever happen?  
Curtis: A huge nuclear mutated lizard? That would rule. 'Cept for all the death and destruction.  
Chase: You think we can find those chlorine canisters in time?  
Curtis: I hope so. Or we may get fired for sucking at our job.  
Chase: Oh yeah. We could have taken the canisters if we wanted to. I hope Bill won't be angry at us.

-  
Logan's Hotel Room.  
-----

Logan: The French Ambassador is visiting me soon. So I need an outfit to wear. Which one do you think is best? (He holds up 2 outfits, one is a very reflective mirrored suit, and the other is a white suit with a cape on it)  
Palmer: Countries put off by Tango. Shrapnel blurs vision.  
Logan: I thought so too. (He goes to change into the white suit)

(Novick enters wearing a blue mohawk wig)

Novick: Sir. The French Ambassador's helicopter will be here in 10 minutes. Agent Pierce will meet him and escort him here.  
Logan: Thank you Mike.

(Martha enters, holding a piece of paper and a tape)

Martha: I have it, Charles. I have the transcript.  
Logan: What transcript? What's going on? Martha: The transcript of a phonecall that proves there is some kind of conspriacy going on. I also have this tape of the very same phonecall. Here, listen. (She puts the tape into a tape player, and plays it)  
Voice: (On tape) Yeah, we need an ambulance at 579 Uranus Drive...(Whispering to someone) I said Uranus.  
Martha: (On tape) Who is this.  
Voice: ...Uranus... (Whispering to someone) I said it again, Randal.  
Another Voice: (Also whispering) Haha. Good one, Jay...Now hang up! (Click)

(Martha turns off the tape)

Martha: Aliens, FROM URANUS, are plotting to destroy your presidency.  
Novick: It sounded like a prank call to me?  
Martha: You seem to know an awful lot about this tape, Mike.  
Logan: Stop accusing Mike of things dear, and get ready for the French Ambassador.

(Martha eyes Novick accusingly and heads into her bedroom)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jimmy is watching Martouf type at his workstation. He keeps glancing about worriedly. Gary walks over)

Gary: Jimmy? Why isn't there a chocolate machine or anything around here? I'm hungry.  
Jimmy: It got destroyed by Tony 'bout a month back. You'll have to go to the canteen.  
Gary: Okay. Thanks. Oh, by the way. I broke the photocopier, can you get someone to fix it?  
Jimmy: Alright, but don't tell Bill.

(Gary heads off to the canteen. Michelle walks past Jimmy)

Jimmy: Michelle, do you notice anything suspicious about that Martouf guy?  
Michelle: No. Why?  
Jimmy: No reason. I just have a weird feeling about him, is all.  
Michelle: Right. If you see Bill, can you tell him I need to speak to him?  
Jimmy: Spose. You alright, you look strange.  
Michelle: I'm fine, I'm fine. (Phone rings. She answers) Dessler.  
Tony: (On phone) Hey, it's me. Just letting you know that we'll be back in about 5 minutes. We're gonna give Bill a progress report, then you and me will talk, OK?  
Michelle: OK, see you in a bit. Bye. (Hangs up)

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
CTU Front Office.  
-----

(Jack, Dave and Tony enter, closely followed by Chase and Curtis)

Curtis: Heyyyy, wassup my bitches? Hey Tony.  
Tony: Sup man. How'd your undercover job go? I hear you got found out.  
Dave: Master wouldn't have been caught out.  
Curtis: Shut up kissass.  
Chase: Somehow this 'Terry' guy knew about us.  
Jack: Hmmmmm. You sure you didn't slip up?  
Curtis: Fo' sure. Our cover was tight.  
Tony: More so than Edgars waistline? (Edgar comes around the corner)  
Edgar: I heard that.  
Tony: I'don't care. Oh, I got you something from Eric's house. (Hands Edgar a Slim Fast)  
Edgar: Why you- (Grabs Tony around the neck and starts to choke him)

(Bill walks around the corner too)

Bill: EDGAR!  
Edgar: I'm sorry, boss. (He walks off)  
Bill: Y'ok Tony?  
Tony: I'm just absolutely fucking peachy. Can we just get on with this thing, I got to see Michelle.  
Dave: (Whispering to Chase and Curtis) He knocked Michelle up.  
Chase: Sweet.  
Curtis: My man got him some good sperm.  
Dave: Don't let on to him that you know, alright?  
Curtis + Chase: We promise not to tell.  
Dave: Good. (To Jack) Hey Master, wait up.

-  
Outside the Logan's Hotel.  
-----

(A helicopter is landing)

Logan: Is this the french ambassador?  
Novick: It's either him or Traffic Tortoise, but I doubt it's the latter, due to the unfortunate demise of Safety Squid earlier today.

(A man wearing the same suit as Logan gets out of the chopper)

Logan: What an ugly suit he has on.  
Novick: It's the same as yours Sir.  
Martha: He's conspiring against you Charles. He is going to kill you and take your place.  
Logan: He's French dear. Not a terrorist.

(Pierce escorts the Ambassador over to Logan and Mike)

Logan: Ambassador Pierre. Welcome.  
Pierre: (In a think French accent) Thank you Mr. President.  
Logan: This is my Chief of Staff Mike Novick. (Pierre shakes Novick's hand) My wife Martha. (Pierre takes and kisses her hand)  
Pierre: The pleasure is all mine.  
Logan: And inside is President Palmer. Shall we? (He waves toward the hotel. They both walk inside)  
Pierre: I would like to thank you again for having your intelligence agency find the bomb in our embassy.  
Logan: What? When did we do that?  
Pierre: A couple of months ago.  
Logan: Oh. Yeah. No problem. Glad to do it. Is there no one accompanying you? A MRS.Ambassador, perhaps?  
Pierre: My, FRIEND, Jacques will be joining us in half hour.  
Logan: Well, that's just super.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Edgar and Chloe are talking)

Chloe: Oh, Eddy. I'm so proud of you, standing up for yourself, against that mean Tony.  
Edgar: I think Bill may want to punish me, and we all know what Bill likes to do as punishment.  
Chloe: Oh no. He'll make you work with Curtis.  
Edgar: Yeah. And the worse part is, I'll be out in the field.  
Chloe: It'll be good exercise for you.  
Edgar: Yeah, true. (Gary walks past with a pie from the canteen) Mmmmmmmm, steak and kidney pie.  
Gary: Wow. That's amazing. You can smell the flavour of my pie from there?  
Edgar: Yep. It's a gift.

-  
CTU Conference Room.  
-----

(Bill, Jack, Tony, Dave, Chase and Curtis are discussing the next plan of action)

Jack: What should we do about my brother?  
Tony: Give him a time out?  
Jack: He's 43, fool.  
Chase: We got to find out where he is. And if he has any connection to the chlorine gas.  
Curtis: And get some weed?  
Dave: What does all this have to do with weed?  
Curtis: I just want some weed, is all.  
Bill: We get through this day, and you can have your weed. All of you.

(Cheer)

Tony: And what do I do about my problem?  
Dave: Kill it and get it over with, that's what I say.

(They all stare at Dave)

Tony: My BABY problem, you idiot.  
Dave: Sorry.  
Jack: I thought you were happy about the baby.  
Tony: I am, it's just... I'm not sure I'm ready to be a father.  
Jack: You mean what with your anger problem and all?  
Tony: Exactly. I don't wanna be angry to my kid. At least not until it's a teenager or summin.  
Chase: What sex are you hoping for?  
Curtis: Backdoor. Alllllriiiight.  
Tony: Hehehehe. But seriously, I don't know which one I'd prefer.

(Jimmy enters)

Jimmy: Word up t' y'all.  
Bill: Did you find Lynn?  
Jimmy: No. Dunno where the hell he is.

-  
CTU Garage.  
-----

(Lynn is eating a huge pie)

Lynn: Wow this is good. Thanks Elijah.  
Elijah: Your welcome.

-  
LA Hotel Room.  
-----

(Eric is dialling the phone. Terry answers)

Terry: (On Phone) Hello?  
Eric: I've been found out.  
Terry: (On Phone) Have you taken precautions?  
Eric: I, uh, booked into a hotel room, if that counts.  
Terry: (On Phone) Spose it does. Where are you?  
Eric: 533 Sands Down Lane. Room 423.  
Terry: (On Phone) I'll be there soon.  
Eric: OK, Byebye. (Hangs Up) Now, MINIBAR!

-  
LA Shopping Mall.  
-----

(Some men are moving boxes into the basement. The leader gets a phone call)

Eric: (On Phone) Willem, Lesly has been killed. You are now in charge. Are you ready?  
Willem: Almost. I will call you when we are ready. (He hangs up) YAY I'M A LEADER! Move that box into the electrical room.  
Man: Yes Sir.  
Willem: I'm going to go to the food court. I'm starving.

-  
CTU. Bill's Office.  
-----

(Bill has a Hustler)

Jack: What happened to your Playboy?  
Bill: Tony took it. Said he needed cheering up.  
Jack: The agents we sent to search Eric's house found another note. It said he was planning something and that he wants to give demands to the President. The paper was from a hotel downtown. Shall we check it out?  
Bill: S'pose so.  
Jack: I'll take Chase, Curtis, Dave and Tony with me, OK?  
Bill: Fine, fine.  
Jack: Sweet. (His phone rings. He answers) Yeah?  
Chase: (On Phone) BOOBS. (Hangs up)  
Jack: Immature little dick. (His phone rings again. He answers) Better not be you, Chase.  
Kim: (On Phone) Daddy? I need your help.  
Jack: Kim? Are you OK?  
Kim: (On Phone) I'm at the zoo. I'm stuck in the monkey cage.  
Jack: (Quietly to himself) Dumbass bitch. (To Kim) Is the zookeeper there sweetheart?  
Kim: (On Phone) He said he can't let me out 'cos one of the monkey's ran off with the keys.  
Jack: Hehe clever monkeys. Well, is he trying another way to get you out?  
Kim: (On Phone) Yes. He said he was getting a spare key. I phoned you because I was scared.  
Jack: That's okay honey. Well, I gotta go. Are you coming in to CTU when they get you out?  
Kim: (On Phone) I'm going to look around here some more first. Oooh someone wants to say hello. (She hands the phone over to someone)  
Jack: Hello?  
Monkey: OOK?  
Jack: Huh?  
Monkey: OOOOH OOOOH AAAH AAAH!  
Jack: Stupid Monkey. (Hangs up) Well guys, let's go.

-  
LA Shopping Mall.  
-----

(Willem and his men are taking a break eating some pies)

Willem: Deiter? You miss your family back home? You have been here helping us plot for a year now.  
Deiter: Meh. The wife was driving me crazy back home. (He chuckles) And it's good to get away from those damned kids.  
Willem: You're telling me.  
Rudolf: I miss my kids.

(All murmur in agreement)

Deiter: I miss your kids.  
Rudolf: What's that supposed to mean?  
Deiter: Your children were a welcome relief from the constant stream of noise that is my children.  
Willem: ENOUGH! Enough already about our bastard children. BACK TO WORK, MEN.

(They leave their table and go back to work)

-  
CTU Parking Lot.  
-----

(Tony, Jack, Dave, Chase and Curtis are walking toward Jack's SUV. Jack unlocks the car with the remote. Curtis falls over)

Tony: Hehe, Darkness fall down. I CALL SHOTGUN!  
Chase and Dave: DAMMIT.  
Curtis: (Getting up) I'm OK.  
Jack: Stop messing around Curtis. We got work to do.  
Curtis: Right Jack. Sorry. Hey, anyone see the Safety Squid thing on the news?

(They all get in the SUV)

Dave: It's awful what happened to that poor squid. Poor little guy.  
Tony: You do know he wasn't a real squid don't you?  
Dave: What? Really? I thought he was some kind of real life squid mascot.  
Tony: HAHAHA! What an idiot!  
Jack: Don't listen to him Dave.  
Chase: Yeah. He's just being mean to you. You DUMBASS!

(Tony, Chase and Curtis all start laughing)

Jack: CAN IT! We need to focus. (He starts the engine and leaves the parking lot)

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

Dave: Master? Are you and your brother twins? Or just regular brothers?  
Jack: Twins. We were seperated at birth. I didn't even know about him until about 5 years ago. Then 4 years ago we thought he had died.  
Curtis: Tough break man.  
Chase: I had a brother once.  
Tony: Really?  
Chase: Oh yeah. He went crazy.  
Tony: Why?  
Chase: Bullet in the brain. Wasn't long after I joined CTU, back in DC. He lives in a care home now, pretending he's a tugboat.  
Tony: Cool.  
Chase: No, it's not cool. He used to understand Quantum Physics, now he can barely grasp the concept of Quantum Leap.

(Dave looks in the rearview mirror and sees Scott Bakula staring back at him. He rubs his eyes and looks again. His reflection is normal)

Dave: Oh boy.  
Jack: What was that, Dave?  
Dave: Nothing, nothing.  
Jack: Good.

-  
Terry's Car.  
-----

(Terry is making a phonecall)

Terry: C'mon, pick up, pick up.

(The phone is answered)

Voice: (On phone) Hello?  
Terry: It's me. I'm about 5 minutes out. Have Sid or someone meet me out front.  
Voice: (On phone) I think you have the wrong number, sir. There is no-one called Sid here.  
Terry: Terribly sorry. Bye now. (Tries another number) C'mon, pick up, pick up.

(The phone is answered)

Eric: (On Phone) Hello?

Terry: It's me. I'm about 5 minutes away from you. Can you have someone outside so I know where to park?  
Eric: I'll meet you there. Bye. (Hangs up. He leaves his room and walks down to the front entrance) Doodly doo. (He looks down the street seeing some vehicles drive past. A black SUV parks a little down the street opposite the hotel)

-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

Jack: There's Eric.

(They all look at Eric)

Dave: Wow. He does look alot like you Master.  
Tony: 'Cept he has hippy hair. Hehehe.  
Curtis: Far out man.  
Jack: I better tell CTU.

-  
CTU/Jack's SUV Splitscreen.  
-----

(Chloe's phone rings. She answers)

Chloe: O'Brian.  
Jack: It's Jack. We're in position to apprehend my brother. Let Bill know that we...

(Jack is interrupted by a car stopping in front of the hotel. A man gets out of the car)

Curtis: Hey, that's the guy who captured me and Chase. He was moving about 36 canisters of Weaponised Chlorine gas.  
Chase: You think your brother is involved, Jack?  
Jack: If I know my brother.. (To Chloe) Chloe, run a check on the name ... (To Chase and Curtis) What's his name?  
Chase: Ummm, Sh...something. Shawshank?  
Curtis: Shishkabob?  
Chase: Sha...lashaska?  
Curtis: THAT'S IT.  
Jack: (To Chloe) Shalashaska.  
Chloe: Can you spell that?  
Jack: S.H.A.L.A.S.H.A.S.K.A. Got that?  
Chloe: It'll take me a while to complete the search.  
Jack: Right. Get back to when you find something. (Hangs up) I guess someone will have to go in undercover and make sure they don't leave the building until Chloe reports back. My brother will obviously know me; Chase and Curtis are known by Terry.  
Chase: That leaves Dumbass and Mr. Grumpy.  
Dave: Hey! Tony isn't a dumbass.  
Tony: I went undercover at the Marwan house last time. I wanna watch now.  
Jack: Dave, you're going in.  
Dave: Okay Master. (He gets wired up) Testing..one two..testing.  
Jack: Okay off you go.  
Curtis: Have fun man.

(Dave gets out of the SUV and walks over and into the hotel)

Jack: Tony, follow him.  
Tony: What!  
Jack: Make sure he doesn't make a mistake.  
Tony: Goddammit. (He gets out taking Dave's cane with him)  
Chase: Why didn't Dave take that with him?  
Jack: He doesn't need it. He uses it to get chicks.  
Curtis: He couldn't get chicks with a hundred dollar bill hanging out his zipper.  
Jack: So true.

-  
Hotel lobby.  
-----

(Tony and Dave enter)

Tony: Right. Jack's brother, and that other guy, Senor Thing.  
Dave: Is that his name?  
Tony: (Stares) You're an idiot. Dave: I know.  
Tony: Quiet, they're coming in.

(Eric and Terry come in from outside)

Eric: Where is Sonny?  
Terry: He is taking care of things. They are moving the crates of canisters to the designated areas now.  
Eric: Good. Wanna go to the bar?  
Terry: Sure, I could do with a vodka.

(They head into the bar area. Dave and Tony try to follow)

Receptionist: Excuse me sirs, that bar is for patrons only.  
Dave: But we are with them. (Points after Terry and Eric)  
Receptionist: You didn't seem to be with them.  
Dave: We were... errrrm.  
Tony: (To Dave) Let me. (Takes out his gun) We are federal agents ma'am. (Shows her his badge) We are undercover.  
Receptionist: Okay. Go ahead.

(Tony puts away his gun and starts to walk in to the bar)

Tony: Dave I- (Turns to see Dave with the receptionist)

Dave: Maybe we could go for a drink- Owwww! (Tony grabs him by the ear)  
Tony: Let's go.  
Dave: Sometimes, I hate you.  
Tony: Well, I hate you all the time.

-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

(Jack, Chase and Curtis are talking. Jack is also rummaging in the glove compartment)

Jack: THAT'S IT. (Pops up from below the dashboard) SOMEONE STOLE A CANDY BAR FROM THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT!  
Chase: That's awful, man. Maybe it was this guy. (Pulls a homeless man from behind the back seat)  
Homeless Man: Groff.  
Curtis: How did he get in here?  
Jack: I don't know. Hey, how long you been in here?  
Homeless Man: Cplmnths.  
Jack: A couple of months?  
Curtis: You want me to throw him out Jack?  
Tramp: Plsdnt.  
Jack: Nah. Let him stay, we can drop him off at a shelter on the way back to CTU.

(The Tramp looks happy)

Jack: At least there is the explanation for where the spare change I had in here went.  
Chase: Hehehe, didn't you blame Dave for that?  
Jack laughing: Yeah, I took away his cane for a while after that. He could walk or get chicks for ages.  
Curtis: What a loser.

-  
Hotel Bar.  
-----

(Tony and Dave are watching Terry and Eric across the bar)

Dave: I'll have a Jack Daniels please.  
Tony: He'll have a coke. (To Dave) We are working idiot. (To bartender) I'll have a scotch.  
Dave: Hey!  
Tony: Quiet!  
Dave: Fine.

(Cut to Eric and Terry)

Eric: Hey, that guy over there with the cane is giving you the eye. (Points to Dave)  
Terry: Think I should tell him I don't go that way?  
Eric: Let him have his fun. He's not doing any harm.  
Terry: But he's creeping me out.  
Eric: Then go tell him. I ain't your puppet master.

(Terry gets up and goes over to Dave and Tony)

Terry: (To Dave) Hey, I'm flattered and everything, but I ain't gay.  
Dave: Very good. Me neither.  
Terry: Then why have you been giving me the eye since you walked in here.  
Dave: (Thinking of an excuse) I, ummmm, thought your, errrr, coat was nice.  
Terry: Oh thanks. It's velour.  
Dave: Wow.  
Tony: You sure you ain't gay?  
Terry: Yyyyyyyyyes.  
Tony: Right.

-  
Logan's Hotel. Conference Room.  
-----

(Logan and Pierre are talking about important issues)

Pierre: Are you going to take the towels and soap when you leave?  
Logan: Of course. I have a collection of towels from all over the world.  
Martha: He has 118.  
Pierre: Wow. A devoted collector I see.  
Logan: Yes. It's kind of a hobby of mine.  
Jacques: We have our little 'hobbies' don't we Pierre?  
Pierre: Ohhhhh yes.  
Novick to Pierce: You think Pierre and Jaques are-  
Pierce: Yes.  
Novick: You think the president-  
Pierce: No.  
Novick: Oh.  
Palmer: A man floats on poppys, only to find a hand.  
Logan: Interesting. Don't you agree Pierre?  
Pierre: Errrrrm yes, of course.  
Logan: So, Ambassador, is there a Mrs. Ambassador?  
Pierre: Uh, no.  
Logan: A swinging bachelor, eh? Maybe you, agent Pierce and Mike can go out to a club one night.

(Pierce and Novick exchange worried looks)

Pierre: I'm afraid I can't. My security detail wouldn't allow such a thing.  
Logan: Security?  
Pierre: Jacques here is my security.  
Logan/Martha/Novick/Palmer/Pierce: Ohhhhh.  
Jacques: (Changing the subject) Those are some nice curtains. Did you pick them, Mrs Logan?  
Martha: I changed them twice. You don't know who is listening in on you. (She looks furtively around the room)  
Pierre: Very true. (He looks at his watch) I think we should be going now Jacques.  
Jacques: Yes. (They get up and shake hands)  
Logan: It was nice that we could discuss this matter with you Mr. Ambassador.

(Pierre and Jacques leave, escorted by Novick and Pierce)

Logan: Damn Frenchies.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jimmy is eating Oreos)

Edgar: Oooooh Oreos.  
Jimmy: Lay off 'em fatty. You on a diet.  
Chloe: Eddy!  
Edgar: Crap.

(Martouf walks past. Jimmy stops him)

Jimmy: I'm onto you. So just watch it, pal.  
Martouf: Why don't you watch it. Ass.  
Jimmy: Well...YOUR MUM! (Walks off)  
Martouf: (Stares after Jimmy for a second, then walks off whistling)

(Gary walks over)

Gary: What's between them?  
Edgar: Jimmy thinks Martouf is a mole.  
Gary: Why's that?  
Edgar: Because Martouf is slinking around making plans for Bill's birthday and Jimmy thinks he's doing it for other reasons.  
Gary: Hehehe. You gonna tell Jimmy?  
Edgar: I did, he didn't believe me. Plus it's fun to see Jimmy paranoid.  
Gary: Yeah. Say.. You know how to open sockets that no-one knows about? I wanna watch some porn.  
Edgar: I can help you with that.

-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

(Curtis is napping. Chase and Jack are talking. Jack is in the middle of a sentence)

Jack: All I'm saying is that I find pants restricting, is all.  
Chase: Oh. Cool.

(Jack's phone rings. He answers)

Jack: Hello?  
Bill: (On Phone) Hi, I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!  
Jimmy: (On Phone) And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!  
Bill and Jimmy: And we are... WYLD STALLYNS! (Hangs up)  
Jack: What are those guys on about?  
Chase: What's that?  
Jack: I honestly don't know.  
Chase: Oh well. Hey, let's draw on Curtis.  
Jack: We can't. No white pen, remember. Hey, how are things with Kim?  
Chase: It's good. We were discussing my quitting of CTU, and raising a family.  
Jack: Oh. Take it from me. Having this job AND a family, kinda sucks.  
Chase: Yeah, what with you losing your wife and all.  
Jack: What did I tell you about mentioning that? It makes me emotional and angry.  
Chase: Sorry Jack.

(Jack roots through the glove compartment and finds some Tipex)

Jack: Hehehehe. Dave keeps this here for when he writes mistakes on reports and stuff.  
Chase: Why does he write reports in here?  
Jack: I don't know. I'm not sure that's all he gets up to though. Once i found some-  
Chase: I really don't wanna know.

(Jack draws a penis on Curtis' forehead)

Chase: Kickass.  
Jack: Yeah. I hope Kim's okay.  
Chase: What? She said she was going to the zoo today.  
Jack: Yeah. About that..

-  
Hotel Bar.  
-----

(Eric and Terry are conspiring)

Terry: I'm sure thats not what he wants.  
Eric: How do you know?  
Terry: I just do.  
Eric: Neither of us have met him, so how can you be sure?

(Tony and Dave come over)

Tony: We just thought that we'd buy you guys drinks, on account of what happened earlier.  
Eric: And buying us drinks makes you not gay, how?  
Tony: SHUT UP (Punches Eric. He falls to the floor) THAT'LL SHOW YOU!  
Terry: YOU ASSHOLE! (Takes Dave's cane and smashes it on Tony's back. Tony shrugs it off)  
Dave: Now, you've done it.

(Tony grabs Terry and smashes his face against the table)

Tony: Shall we take these to the car? Radio Jack and tell him we'll be out in a minute.  
Dave: Roger roger.

(Dave radios Jack)

Dave: Jack, we have Eric and Terry and are bringing them out now.  
Jack: (On Radio) Okay, we'll tell CTU, Jack out.

-  
Jack's SUV.  
-----

(Jack is calling CTU)

Michelle: (On Phone) CTU, Dessler here.  
Jack: Michelle, it's Jack. We have my brother and Terry in custody and are bringing them in. Have a security detail meet us in the parking lot, and have 2 cells set up.  
Michelle: (On Phone) Gotcha Jack. Hey, is Tony there?  
Jack: He's just walking over now, hold on. (He opens the van door)  
Dave: Hey sweet! Look what you did to Curtis. (Curtis has the penis tipexed on his forhead and only one eyebrow, his hair has had the word 'Dick' shaved into it)  
Tony: HAHAHAHAHA. You owned him.  
Jack: Yeah. Michelle's on the phone for you.  
Tony: Oh great. (Takes phone from Jack) Hey. How are you?  
Michelle: (On Phone) I'm good, I'm good. Listen, I've been thinking about this, and what I want to do, and I've made a decision.  
Tony: Right. Well, I've also been thinking, and I too have made a decision. I'll tell you it when we get back to CTU.  
Michelle: (On Phone) I'll tell you my decision when you get back aswell then. Oh, and tell Jack that the name Shalashaska is part of a terrorist cell, which in turn is part of a group of cells controlled by a man named Frederic Ocset, CEO of Osco. He has an building about 2 miles from here.  
Tony: Will do. Bye. (Hangs Up) Jack, the name Shalashaska is linked to a Frederic Ocset He's got an office about 5 miles from here. Wanna check it out?  
Jack: We've got to get these back to CTU first, see what we can get out of them.  
Chase: Did you say Ocset?  
Tony: Yah.  
Chase: When I was in CTU DC, I was part of a team that raided an Osco warehouse. We found plans for canisters of some kind inside. They could be the same kind of canisters the chlorine is in.  
Jack: Well, when we get back to CTU, Tony and I will go check it out.  
Tony: But I got to talk to Michelle when we get back.  
Jack: Fine, Dave and I will go. Chase, you come too. Tony and Curtis, interrogate those men, and call us with developments.

-  
LA Shopping Mall.  
-----

(Willem is dialling his phone. Deiter and Rudolf are playing Poker)

Deiter: You better not be bluffing you son of a bitch.  
Willem: Quiet.

-  
LA Shopping Mall/CTU.  
-----

(Bill answers his phone)

Bill: CTU Bill Buchanon here.  
Willem: I have 4 canisters of the Chlorine gas here. I would like to speak with your President.  
Bill: Who is this? (Silence) How do I know this is real?  
Willem: You know about our leader Eric Bauer. This is proof enough, no?  
Bill: Yes. I will phone the President and tell him you wish to speak to him. Call back here in 5 minutes.

(Bill hangs up then calls Chloe)

Chloe: Yes?  
Bill: I just got a call from someone claiming to have some of the canisters, can you trace it?  
Chloe: Hold on. (She types on her keyboard) No Bill, It's being relayed through too many places.  
Bill: Okay thanks. Get some recording equipment up here will you. (Hangs up. He dials President Logan)

-  
Logan Hotel Room/CTU.  
-----

(The phone is ringing. Logan runs out of a room wearing a towel. He answers the phone)

Logan: If this is a telemarketer, I'm gonna be pretty pissed off.  
Bill: This is Bill Buchanon of CTU. We just got a telephone call from a terrorist who demanded to speak to you.  
Logan: Fine, put him on.  
Bill: He'll be ringing back in 4 minutes. I was ringing to tell you to be ready for us to transfer the call through.  
Logan: You couldn't have just waited 5 minutes, and then tell me when he does ring back?  
Bill: I just thought .  
Logan: You thought 'Hmmm, I'll interrupt whatever the president is doing with my problems. What's McGill doing there? Isn't he meant to be keeping an eye on you?  
Bill: He's in the corridor right now, fighting with a very malnourished grey guy over a ring or something, I think. Just be ready for a phonecall in 2 minutes.  
Logan: Righto. Goodbye Bill. (Hangs up) MARTHA. BRING ME MY PANTS!

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chloe is setting up the recording equipment. Bill is pacing the room)

Bill: They should be calling any minute, get ready to record this Chloe.  
Chloe: Right.

(The phone rings)

Bill: Do it.

(Chloe starts recording. Bill answers the phone, patching it though to Logan)

Bill: You are on with Bill Buchanon of CTU Los Angeles and President Logan.  
Jimmy: Whoa man! Far out! Sup Logan.  
Logan: You wanted to talk to me about something.  
Jimmy: Not really but okay- (Bill cuts him off)  
Bill: That wasn't the terrorist sir, that was an agent of mine. The idiot.

(A call comes through on another line)

Bill: This is probably it. (He answers it)  
Jimmy: Yo, what happened man? It totally cut me off. I- (Bill hangs up again) Michelle, Go tell Jimmy to stop calling me dammit!

(Michelle opens Bill's door and shouts at Jimmy)

Michelle: JIMMY! STOP CALLING BILL DAMMIT!  
Jimmy: OKAY!

(Michelle closes the door)

Bill: Thanks.

(The phone rings again. Bill answers)

Bill: Hello?  
Willem: I have rung back, like you asked.  
Bill: I'll put you onto the president now, wait a second. (Presses 'Hold' button and speaks to the president) Sir, the terrorist has rung back.  
Logan: Good, good. Put him through. (Bill does so) Terrorist, you're on with President Charles Logan, David Palmer and Mike Novick.  
Willem: Hello.  
Logan: Now, Mr. Terrorist, you asked to talk to me.  
Willem: My name is Defoe, and these are my demands. Number 1: 5 signed Van Halen albums. Number 2: $256 Million. Number 3: The withdrawl of US troops from Hussibslavia. Number 4: A dachshund, named Colin. And Number 5: 12 chickens that dance to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy.  
Logan: What happens if I don't comply with your demands?  
Willem: For every hour that our demands are not met, one canister of chlorine gas will be released.  
Bill: Mr, Defoe, can you hang on a second. (Presses the 'Hold' button) Mr. President, you can't agree to these insane demands. I mean, where we gonna find 12 chickens and a dog?  
Logan: They asked for a dog?  
Bill: The dachshund is a breed of dog, sir.  
Logan: I thought it was german sausage.  
Bill: That's bratwurst, sir.  
Palmer: The Dachshund is a short-legged, elongated dog breed of the hound family. The name is German and literally means "badger dog". Although Dachshund is a German word, it is rarely used in Germany, where the Dachshund is known most commonly as the Dackel or Teckel. They are sometimes referred to in the United States and elsewhere as "wiener dogs" or "sausage dogs.  
Logan: Ahhhh those dogs. Hehehe wiener. Bill you're right. We can't find one of them fast enough.  
Novick: Especially not one called Colin.  
Bill: Sir, We have the leader of the terrorists in holding now. If we can break him then maybe we can find out where these guys are and stop them before they release any canisters. If you agree to his demands and tell him you need time to arrange it then we can stop them.  
Logan: Go on.  
Bill: Errr sir that's it.  
Logan: Righty-o. Carry on. (Hangs up)  
Bill: Sir I- Dammit. (He presses a button and is back with Willem) The President has agreed to your demands but needs time to assemble the items.  
Willem: I will ring you in 30 minutes to confirm a drop point. (Hangs up)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack, Tony, Dave, Chase and Curtis enter, escorting Eric and Terry. Curtis has Terry and Tony has Eric. Both suspects are handcuffed with their hands in front of them. Jimmy comes over)

Jimmy: Wassup, J-Dawg, T-Dawg, D-Dawg, C-Dawg, other C-Dawg. Who are these guys?

(Terry elbows Curtis, and grabs his gun. He takes a hold of Jimmy. Jack, Tony and Chase draw their weapons. Dave checks on Curtis)

Terry: Put the guns down or the stoner gets it.  
Jimmy: I ain't a stoner, dude.  
Terry: Shut up. (Takes Jimmy over to the stairwell door) Bye losers. (Pushes Jimmy away and shoots at him. Jimmy turns to see the bullet coming toward him, and attempts a Neo-like dodge. He is unsuccessful)  
Jimmy: Fucking OW! Dick. (Goes to chase after him)  
Jack: JIMMY, YOU NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION!  
Jimmy: FUCK THAT. HE RUINED MY BEST TOP DAMMIT! (Goes through the stairwell door in pursuit of Terry)  
Tony: Should we follow him or what?  
Jack: I think we'd better. Cos he may do something crazy.  
Chase: Let's go, guys.

-  
Roof.  
-----

(Terry runs through the stairwell door out onto the roof, followed closely by Jimmy, who has his weapon drawn)

Jimmy: STOP, OR I WILL STOP YOU!  
Terry: DO IT. I'D RATHER DIE THAN TALK!  
Jimmy: DON'T TEMPT ME.

(Terry comes to the roof edge)

Jimmy: STOP DAMMIT!

(Terry pulls the trigger again, and hears a clicking sound)

Terry: What? What kind of agent only leaves one round in his gun?  
Jimmy: An idiot?  
Terry: Damn. I was gonna shoot myself too. Ah well, guess I have to wait a few more seconds for death. (He starts to fall)  
Jimmy: NOOOOOOO! (He runs towards Terry. Jumping off after him, thinking: I can catch him)

(Jack, Tony and Chase burst from the stairwell to see the two fall over the edge)

Tony: DAFT FUCK!

(They run back down the stairwell to ground level. Jimmy appears to be alive, barely, his fall cusioned slightly by Terry. Dave is standing over him)

Jack: How did you-  
Dave: Took the elevator.  
Jack: We have elevators!  
Jimmy: Jack? I see a light.  
Jack: The light is evil Jimmy, Walk away.  
Jimmy: But it's so pretty.  
Tony: COME BACK TO US DUMBASS! (He shakes Jimmy)  
Chase: Stop that.  
Jimmy: I thought I could fly guys. Guess I was wrong. Stop those bastards for me will you. Terry said that they were in a mall somewhere. I'm sorry. Party on dudes. WYLD STALLYNS! (He dies)  
Jack: DAMMIT!

(Tony stabs Terry's body with Dave's cane. Jack hands another to Dave who does the same)

Chase: That's enough of that now. C'mon guys. Let's all go inside and cry over a hot mug of cocoa. (Jack, Tony and Dave stare at him) I mean, go inside, and IGNORE OUR FEELINGS, LIKE MEN!  
Tony: YEAH! The homo is right.  
Chase: Dude, I'm boning Jack's daughter. I ain't gay.

(Jack punches Chase)

Jack: Don't ever say that in my presence again...homo.  
Tony: (Laughing) You got told, you got told.  
Chase: Yeah? Well, you're pussy whipped.  
Tony: Am not!  
Michelle: (Shouts from inside) TONY! YOU SAID WE'D TALK, REMEMBER? GET IN HERE NOW!  
Tony: (Sighs defeatedly) Yes Dear.  
Chase: Sorry 'bout calling you pussy whipped, dude.  
Tony: I'm sorry about injecting you with SARS 4 years ago.  
Chase: Ah, that was nothing. I took some cough medicine and I was alright.  
Dave: Hey Jack. What happened to Eric after we ran after Jimmy?

(Inside Eric is talking to Edgar and Gary, Curtis is watching him)

Eric: We had this treehouse which we used to push people out of, alot of people got hurt. It was fun. Ahhh good times.  
Curtis: You ever have that twin thing where you can feel what Jack feels?  
Eric: Sometimes. I did feel rather depressed when Teri died. And I felt pain when Jack got knocked out by that ladder a few weeks ago.  
Curtis: Yeah, that was me. Sorry about that. Hehe it was kinda funny at the time.  
Eric: That's alright. Oh by the way, you should really look in a mirror.

(Jack, Tony, Dave and Chase walk over)

Curtis: Do I have something on my face Jack?  
Jack: No, why?  
Curtis: Never mind.

(Bill approaches)

Bill: Bad news everyone. Jimmy is dead.

(Silence is heard around the office)

Bill: He died trying to save the life of a potential lead. He died a hero.

(Silence)

Bill: Now get back to work. Jack, I want you to go to that Osco warehouse and find any clues out about those canisters. Take Pete and Oscar with you.  
Pete: What?  
Oscar: Ah jeez. I only just got promoted. I hate you Bill.  
Bill: I hate you too. That's why you're going with Jack. Dave, you and Curtis escort Mr. Bauer here into holding.

(Dave grabs Jack's arm)

Jack: Wrong Bauer, moron.  
Dave: Sorry Master. You and the suspect kinda look alike.  
Jack: We're twins, ya dumbass.  
Tony: God, you're an idiot, Dave. Now if you'll excuse me, my baby's momma is waiting. (Leaves)  
Curtis: Tony's gonna be a dad. The poor kid. It's in for hell.  
Jack: Got that right. (Turns to Pete and Oscar) So tell me a little about yourselves?  
Oscar: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. (Jack stares at him) Nah, I'm kidding with you. I'm Oscar Quevas, and this here (Indicates Pete) is my cousin, Paul.  
Pete: Pete Oscar: Whatever.  
Bill: Stop chatting like women and leave already.  
Jack: Right. Let's go men. (They leave)

-  
CTU Garage.  
-----

(Jack, Pete and Oscar are heading for Jack's SUV)

Pete: What car are we taking Jack?  
Jack: That one. (Indicates his SUV)  
Oscar: Oh. Why don't we take my car instead?  
Jack: And what is your car?  
Oscar: That one. (Points to a Dodge Viper Hennessey)  
Jack: WOW. How the hell did you afford one of them on CTU's pay?  
Oscar: By dad bought me it for my birthday.  
Pete: Didn't get me shit all for mine.  
Jack: Can I drive?  
Oscar: Sure.  
Jack: Awesome.  
Pete: You told me that no-one else could touch your car except you. You said that everytime someone else drives Bessie, you die a little inside. Isn't that what you said? That you die inside. Didn't you say that? Huh?  
Oscar: I know what I said, but dude, it's JACK BAUER. I gots to let him drive, cuz.  
Jack: Yeh, CUZ! He gots to let me drive. Dude I bet in this thing you get a lot of bitches.  
Oscar: (Obviously lying) HELL YEAH HOMES. I GETS ME SOME ACTION EVERYNIGHT.  
Pete: No you don't. Every night, you curl up with your wife and watch romantic comedies.  
Jack: I know how you feel. My wife used to make me watch Hugh Grant films every other night. I burnt all those tapes when she died.  
Oscar: Good for you. So shall we go?  
Jack: Let's, before we all start talking about our feelings. (They all get in the car and drive off)

-  
CTU Medical.  
-----

(Michelle is lying on a bed. Tony enters)

Tony: Hey babes.  
Michelle: Hi honey.  
Tony: I see you're resting.  
Michelle: Yeah. I'm not really tired, just wanna get away from work.  
Tony: Oh. Good one. We have everything under control anyway so we don't really need you any more.  
Michelle: What's that supposed to mean?  
Tony: I... That you should rest... And I'm gonna go get you a drink. (He hurries away)  
Michelle: (Shouts after him) AND BRING ME A PICKLE!

-  
Osco Headquarters.  
-----

Ocset: Janice, What is next on my schedule?  
Janice: You have an appointment with Dennis at the 'Special' Warehouse.  
Ocset: Ahhh yes. Very good. Tell my chopper to be ready in ten will you? I'm gonna have a scotch before I go.  
Janice: Very good.

(Ocset walks into his office. He sits down at his desk and opens a draw. He pulls out a bottle and glass from the drawer. He fills the glass and holds it high)

Ocset: Scotch rules! (Drinks the scotch in one) Now, where was I? (The intercom buzzes. Ocset answers)  
Yes?  
Janice: (On intercom) Sir? There's a man on the phone for you, says it's urgent.  
Ocset: Fine, put him through. (Janice does so) Hello?  
Jack: (On Phone) Mr Ocset, glad I caught you.  
Ocset: Who is this? Who are you? Are you from the society? Cos I paid my bill, dammit.  
Jack: (On Phone) No, sir. I just need to come discuss some business with you, if thats alright. I'm 3 minutes away and just want a moment of your time.  
Ocset: I have an appointment now Mr.  
Jack: (On Phone) Reaves, Jimmy Reaves.  
Ocset: Well Mr. Reaves, I have to go to a warehouse of mine for an inspection. I have no time for you. I'm sorry.  
Jack: (On Phone) It involves ALOT of money.  
Ocset: Maybe you can travel with me.  
Jack: (On Phone) Thank you. I will meet you at your reception. (Hangs up)  
Ocset: Yay. A lot of money.

-  
Oscar's Car.  
-----

(Jack speeds through a red light)

Pete: OH YEAH. THIS ROCKS!  
Oscar: Yeah. Until you get pulled over.  
Jack: What the hell are the police gonna do?

(Sirens are heard and lights flash from behind them)

Oscar: Awww shit.  
Jack: Just shut up and let me do the talking.

(Jack pulls over and so does the police car. The policeman gets out and walks over to the car. Jack rolls down the window)

Officer: License and registration, please.  
Jack: (Handing them over) It's his car (Points to Oscar) What seems to be the problem, officer?  
Officer: I noticed two hispanic males in a Dodge Viper and suspected the car was stolen.  
Oscar: Hey, that's racism, ese. I oughta bust you, homes.  
Officer: Hey, my spanish is better than I thought. Ummmmm...Burrito, taco, un sombrero, burro?  
Pete: What he say 'bout my mother?  
Oscar: (To Pete) You're a real dumbass sometimes, ya know that? (To Jack and the officer) My wife's cousin. Hey Jack, show him your badge.

(Jack shows the officer his CTU badge. The officer quickly hands the license and registration back)

Officer: Terribly sorry, go right ahead. And y'all come back now, y'hear.

(Jack drives off)

-  
CTU Interrogation.  
-----

(Dave and Curtis are sitting opposite Eric Bauer. They are about to interrogate him)

Dave: So Eric, why are you doing this? Your file says you're a nice guy. You seemed to help alot of people back when you were a cop.  
Eric: Yeah, I liked being a cop. But I found out that being a criminal was worth more.  
Curtis: You got that right. My cousin joined a cartel and made a mint on drugs man.  
Dave: What was his name?  
Curtis: Billy Jackson.  
Dave: Hehehe.  
Curtis: What?  
Dave: His initials are BJ.  
Curtis: Oh yeah. HA! Poor bastard.  
Bill from behind the glass: Get on with it.  
Dave: Right. Eric, we want to know where exactly the terrorists are.  
Eric: They are at... your mum's house! HAHAHA!  
Curtis: Son of a- (leans over and starts to choke Eric) You bastard!  
Dave: Curtis, get off him.  
Curtis: NEVER.  
Dave: I'll give you weed.  
Curtis: (Lets go of Eric and sits back down) I better have that weed by sundown.  
Dave: What are you, Gary Cooper?  
Curtis: Who's Gary Cooper?  
Dave: I dunno Bill, from behind the glass: He was an actor. He made westerns.  
Dave: Thanks Bill. Now back to you. (Turns to Eric) What were you doing meeting with a man who is in possession of Chlorine Gas?  
Eric: Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.  
Curtis: No you weren't.  
Dave: You were plotting some dastardly scheme.

(A man enters)

Man: Ricky Brunwin, MI5. This man is our prisoner, uh I mean captive, now.  
Curtis: Like hell he is. Bill, Who is this nut?

(Bill enters)

Bill: I don't know. Why have you come for our captive?  
Brunwin: He is wanted for six crimes in the UK and one in Australia.  
Dave: What did you do in Australia.  
Eric: Some idiot was singing about tying his Kangaroo down. So I did.  
Bill: But we need him for a national crisis. Can't you wait?  
Brunwin: I'm afraid not.

(Lynn enters)

Lynn: What is going on here Bill?  
Bill: You tell me. This man claims to be MI5 and is ordering us to give up our only lead to the terrorists.  
Lynn: Do they have the proper documentation?  
Ricky: No, but I have $1000.  
Lynn: SOLD!  
Bill: Lynn, you just can't let him take our lead.  
Lynn: You're right Bill. And when you're right, you're right. (To Ricky) Isn't he right?  
Ricky: All I know is my gut says maybe.  
Dave: Aaw crap. That's all we need. A neutral spook.  
Curtis: He's a ghost?  
Dave: A spook is another name for an MI5 agent.  
Curtis: Oh. So, not a ghost?  
Dave: No.  
Bill: Shut up, you two. (To Brunwin) We can let you take our suspect, AFTER we have gotten something out of him.  
Ricky: How long do you think that would take?  
Bill: About 15 minutes, if we use Tony?  
Ricky: You have the Turbo Offensive Niner Interrogator too?

(Tony enters, eating a Nutrageous)

Bill: No, Tony. Right there. (Points to Tony, who looks confused)  
Tony: What's going on?  
Bill: Tony we need you to break Eric.  
Tony: Sure. How long we got.  
Bill: 15 minutes Tony: Done. Dave, I'll need a syringe with morphine in it, a bottle of lager, a feather, a pair of pliers and 100 bucks.  
Dave: Gotcha.  
Curtis: What can I do?  
Tony: What are you good at?  
Curtis: Rolling joints.  
Tony: Sold. Roll away. Bill, could you guys excuse us while we work?  
Bill: Sure. Brunwick, shorty, let's go to my office. (They leave)

(Dave comes back with Tony's items)

Dave: What exactly do you need these for?  
Tony: You'll see.

(Tony starts to tickle Eric with the feather. He then clamps down on his hands with the pliers)

Dave: What's is the morphine and 100 bucks for?  
Tony: The morphine is for me when I'm done here and the 100 bucks is 'cos I was short on cash.  
Dave: Oh right. It's Edgar's anyway.

(Eric screams in pain)

Tony: I love the smell of fear in the morning. Now, tell us what we want to know.  
Eric: YOU'RE INSANE, YOU KNOW THAT?  
Tony: (Remaining calm) Course I do. Wouldn't have lasted long if I didn't know it.  
Eric: (To Dave) YOU'RE OKAY WITH ALL THIS?  
Dave: (Shrugs) Eh.

(Tony clamps down on the pliers again)

Eric: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.  
Tony: (Still calm) If I exert another 5 pounds of pressure onto these pliers, you're finger'll pop off and fly across this room like a champagne cork. Do you really want that?  
Eric: I WON'T TALK!  
Tony: So be it. (Applies more pressure to the pliers, and Eric's finger flies across the room)  
Eric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. YOU SADISTIC SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?  
Dave: His anger management isn't going so well.  
Eric: YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.  
Dave: His anger management isn't going so well.  
Tony: Yeah. Plus, I'm having to fill in for Jack. This is the sort of thing he does to suspects. (He moves the pliers to another of Eric's fingers) Shall we try again?

-  
Osco HQ.  
-----

(Jack has pulled up out the front)

Jack: I'm going to go in and meet Ocset. You guys follow us. If you lose us, track my GPS.  
Pete: Got it.

(Jack get's out and heads into the building)

Pete: Nothing has happened to us yet.  
Oscar: That's 'cos nothing HAS happened yet, dumbass.  
Pete: True. You think we will survive? I know Dave survived something with Jack.  
Oscar: Maybe. We should just stay alert.

(They see a helicopter take off from a pad on the roof)

Pete: Oh. You think that's Jack?

(Oscar receives a text message from Jack. It says 'I'm on the chopper. Follow us.')

Oscar: Yep. Let's go. (They pull out and follow Jack)

-  
Ocset's Chopper.  
-----

(Jack is riding in the back with Ocset)

Jack: This is awesome. I've never been in a chopper before.  
Ocset: It's quite an experience, isn't it, Mr. Reaves.  
Jack: You can say that again, Ocset.  
Ocset: Call me Freddy.  
Jack: ... I'm not going to call you that.  
Ocset: Oh, come on. Pleeeeeeease. I'll be your best friend.  
Jack: SHUT UP. Damn, you're annoying. I'm glad I'm arresting you. (Ocset looks confused) THAT'S RIGHT, FREDDY, YOU'VE BEEN JACK'D. HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!  
Ocset: Oh crap, not again.  
Pilot: What is going on here?  
Jack: Just continue to your destination.  
Pilot: No. Tell me what is going on here. (Jack shows him his badge) Ok. Mr. Bauer.  
Ocset: Bauer!  
Jack: Yeah. My name isn't Reaves. It's Jack Bauer. Do you recognise my name?  
Ocset: I.. err.. don't know anything about you.  
Jack: Hmmm. I think you're lying. But I will have to sort that out later. (He takes out his phone and dials) Bill? It's Jack.  
I have Ocset in custody and are going to find out what is at that warehouse.  
Bill: (On Phone) Why is there a helicopter in the background?  
Jack: It's my stomach, I'm hungry.  
Bill: (On Phone) Hungry for worms?  
Jack: No, hungry for words. (They laugh)  
Bill: (On Phone) Shut up. And get back to work. (Hangs up)  
Jack: That's nice. How long until we reach the warehouse?  
Pilot: About 5 minutes.  
Jack: Good. Time for a nap.  
Pilot: Aren't you worried that the prisoner could escape?  
Jack: (Pointing his gun at Ocset) I've got it handled.  
Pilot: Right O.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chase, Edgar, Chloe and Curtis are talking)

Chase: Just jumped off the building. Splat, on the ground.  
Curtis: That's pretty insensitive, dude.  
Edgar: Yeah, Jimmy was our friend.  
Chloe: You really should be ashamed, Chase.  
Chase: I'm sorry. So has anyone informed his parents?  
Chloe: I think Bill said he would handle it, but I'm not sure. (Sees Bill walking over) Hey Bill. You called Jimmy's parents yet? Told them what happened?  
Bill: Oh god, no. I completely forgot. Listen, Curtis. Could you call them? I have to go to Holding Room 4. It's where they're searching Shalashaska's body.  
Edgar: Shalawhoska?  
Chloe: Terry.  
Edgar: Oh, I get it.  
Chloe: Eat your soup. (Hands Edgar a bowl of soup. He slurps it up in 2 seconds flat)  
Curtis: That was horrible.  
Chloe: Shut up you. Eddy can drink as much soup as he wants, how he wants. Got it?  
Curtis: Yes ma'am. Now can you get the number for Jimmy's parents, please.  
Chloe: Yes. (Goes to her station and taps a few keys on the keyboard) Here it is. 232-555-6225.  
Curtis: Thanks.  
Chase: I'm gonna help search the body. Anybody wanna come with?  
Edgar: Oooh me.  
Chase: ... Anyone else?  
Chloe: Take Eddy. He never gets to leave the main floor.  
Chase: Fine. (To Edgar as they walk off) I feel for you, dude. I really do.  
Edgar: (Getting quieter) Want some cake?  
Chase: (Quieter) Oh god, where did you get that?  
Edgar: (Really quiet) My pocket.  
Chase: ...Ok. (Takes cake) Ooooh chocolate.

(Curtis has called Jimmy's house)

Curtis: Hello? Is this the Reaves residence?  
Mr. Reaves: (On Phone) Yes. And you are?  
Curtis: I am CTU Agent Curtis Manning and I am calling on behalf of your son Jimmy.  
Mr. Reaves: (On Phone) What is it? Has something happened to James?  
Curtis: I'm afraid he has died.  
Mr. Reaves: (On Phone) What! Oh my god. How did this happen?  
Curtis: He died trying to stop a known terrorist from escaping our custody. He died a hero Mr. Reaves.  
Mr. Reaves: (On Phone) When can we pick up our son's body Agent Manning?  
Curtis: Errrrm. I will have to get back to you on that. I am so sorry for your loss. Goodbye. (He hangs up) Damn.  
Chloe: How did they take it?  
Curtis: Jimmy's dad seemed shocked. I never knew how hard that was to do.  
Chloe: Yeah.  
Curtis: Oooooh a trail of cake crumbs. (He walks off)  
Chloe: That boy got the munchies reeeeal bad.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
Interrogation Room.  
-----

(Tony is still working over Eric. Dave is still watching, with a perverted smile on his face)

Eric: I'M NOT GOING TO TALK, YOU SICK FUCK.  
Dave: Tony, we only got another minute to break this guy.  
Eric: (Suddenly very co-operative) Well, why didn't you say so. It's proper villain custom to withstand torture until the last possible minute.  
Tony: So you're going to help us?  
Eric: Glad to, dear boy. The terrorists you are looking for are located... (To Dave) Better write this down, son. (To Tony)  
in a warehouse at 223 Columbo Drive. Big brick and limestone building, can't miss it. My brother is already there now with Ocset. He's got a gun trained on him, but they don't know that. Ocset is telling them that he's me. They believe him. You should send a team there quickly, it's gonna get rough soon.  
Tony: ... Man, that twin thing is good. Dave, tell Bill to send a team to that location. I'll take Curtis and Chase with me.

(Tony goes to leave)

Eric: Wait, Tony. I forgot something. There are a group or terrorists in South Pines mall. They have a canister of Chlorine Gas, and have made demands to the President.  
Tony: Thank you.

(Tony leaves)

Dave: That twin thing really is amazing.  
Eric: Isn't it. He doesn't suspect a thing.  
Dave: No, he doesn't.

(They laugh)

Eric: Shut up.  
Dave: Ass. (He leaves)

-  
Logan's Hotel Room.  
-----

(Novick is wearing a perm. The President is pacing by the phone)

Logan: He has been longer than he said about telling us the drop off point.  
Novick: He may be having trouble at the mall Sir.  
Logan: Do CTU know where these guys are?  
Novick: They haven't said Sir. Shall I contact them?  
Martha: Don't do it. They are all against you Charles. Especially that Bill Buchanon.  
Novick: CTU are helping us Martha. Not against us. David knows that.  
Palmer: Feet of clay trip magpies. Dumbasses run into walls on Wednesdays.  
Logan: He's right Martha. They are helping us.  
Pierce: Am I the only one who doesn't know what the hell he's saying?  
Logan: Probably.  
Martha: (Glares at Aaron) You conspirator, you. It's always been your plan to not understand David, thereby making it easier for you to kill him and take his place as Charles' advisor.  
Pierce: Ma'am. I know nothing about running the country. I'm just muscle for hire.  
Novick: He's right, Mrs Logan. Hell, a chimp would be a better advisor than him,  
Pierce: D'ya want some?  
Novick: Bring it, GINGER BOY!

(They fight)

Logan: I got $20 on the little guy.

(The phone rings)

Martha: That's the ring of a conspirator.  
Logan: Give it a rest, bitch. There's no conspiracy. (He answers the phone) Yello?  
Bill: (On phone) The terrorists have rung with the location of the drop point. We're gonna drop decoy items, and take the terrorists down both at the mall and the drop point.  
Logan: Got ya. And while you do this, I am...what?  
Bill: (On phone) You're going to be in your hotel room, conducting affairs of state.  
Logan: I'm faithful to my wife, Buchanan.  
Bill: (On phone) Affairs of state means problems within the United States.  
Logan: Fine. How is Lynn doing?  
Bill: (On phone) He's doing fine. Here he is right now.  
Lynn: (On phone) Your coffee's downstairs Mr. Bill. I know I can't carry your mug, but I can carry you.  
Bill: (On phone) I have to go Mr President, my coffee is getting cold. Bye. (Hangs up)  
Logan: Go Mike!

-  
Ocset's Warehouse.  
-----

(Jack and Ocset have entered the warehouse. Eric's men believe Jack is Eric)

Eric's Henchman #1: Dennis is waiting for you Mr. Ocset. He wasn't expecting you though Eric. We thought you would be too busy to visit us.  
Jack: I always have time for Dennis. And besides, I have my men covering for me.  
Henchman #1: Fine. This way. (He leads them to an office on the second floor) He's inside.  
Ocset: Thank you. (He and Jack enter the room)  
Dennis: Ahhh on time as usual. Have a seat. (Jack and Ocset sit) How's it going Eric?  
Jack: Great. We are nearly done.  
Dennis: Good good. We have the next load of items ready for you.  
Jack: You do? Errr... Good. Excellant.  
Dennis: Mr. Ocset here has been very gracious in letting us use his business to bring in the equipment we need to make more of the gas. This will only be the beginning of Americas troubles. Our mole has informed us that CTU are nearing the mall.  
They should be in place to try and attack your men soon. Are your men ready to release the canisters and die for our cause?  
Jack: Yes. They are. (Thinking to himself: Shit. I need to end this. Here and now) Dennis. If you will excuse me, I would like to use the bathroom.  
Dennis: He's a good man, that Eric.  
Ocset: Yes, yes he is.

-  
Warehouse corridors/CTU.  
-----

(Jack takes out his cellphone and dials CTU. Dave answers)

Dave: Black.  
Jack: Dave, CTU has a mole. You'll need to discretely inform Bill and have him order a lockdown until you find him/her. And tell me, have any teams been dispatched to a mall?  
Dave: Yeah, a few minutes ago. Curtis is leading them, with Chase. Why?  
Jack: 'Cos the gas could go off any time soon, tell them to be fully suited, and have CRT back them up.  
Dave: CRT?  
Jack: The Chemical Response Team.  
Dave: Got it. Anything else?  
Jack: How's your mom?  
Dave: Stop bringing that up. Please.  
Jack: I'm sorry.  
Dave: I'm going to tell Bill now. Bye Jack.  
Jack: See ya. (Hangs up) Now, where's that bathroom?

-  
CTU Situation room.  
-----

(Bill and Edgar are in the situation room talking)

Bill: So basically, 2 of them before I go to bed and I can perform like a leopard.  
Edgar: Well, this conversation has creeped me out royally.

(Dave comes in. Edgar leaves)

Bill: Ah, Dave. What can I do for you?  
Dave: Jack just rang. Told me to tell you that CTU may have a mole. He told me to tell you to order a lockdown until we find him/her.  
Bill: OK, Dave. Just got to press a button. (Reaches over and presses a button on the table in front of him)  
Voice over Tannoy: Emergency Lockdown In Effect! Emergency Lockdown In Effect!  
Dave: How long has that button been there?  
Bill: Button?  
Dave: Whatever. Listen, I need to call Curtis and tell him that the gas at the mall could be set off at any minute.  
Bill: Go do that. I'll sit here and read my magazine. (Takes a copy of 'Finger Club' from under the table)  
Dave: Gross. (Leaves)

-  
CTU SUV.  
-----

(Curtis, Chase and two other agents are in the SUV on the way to the mall)

Agents: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You .  
Chase: SHUT UP, GODDAMMIT!

(Curtis' phone rings. He answers)

Curtis: Sup Bitch?  
Dave: (On Phone) I ain't your bitch. That's Chase.  
Curtis: Sorry, I have your number stored as 'Bitch' in my phone.  
Dave: (On Phone) Oh great. Thanks.  
Curtis: So what's up?  
Dave: (On Phone) I just got a call from Jack saying that the terrorists at the mall are set for a suicide release of the gas.  
You may have to act fast when you arrive. And shoot to kill. Just take them all out.  
Curtis: YAYEAH! At last, some sweet action.  
Dave: (On Phone) Yeah. Call us when you have stopped them. Or when you are dying from the gas.  
Curtis: Will do. Bye. (Hangs up)

(In the back the two agents are playing 20 questions)

Agent #2: Is it red?  
Agent #1: No.  
Agent #2: Is it a cucumber?  
Agent #1: No.  
Curtis: Shut up you two. And it's a Chimp.  
Agent #1: How the hell..

-  
Oscar's Car.  
-----

Oscar: You think we should help Jack?  
Pete: What? Go in there and probably die? No thanks.

(Oscar's phone rings. It's Tony)

Oscar: Kay?  
Tony: (On Phone) No, it's not Kay. It's Tony. Goddamn Mexicans.  
Oscar: What you want?  
Tony: (On Phone) I'm on my way to meet you guys at the warehouse now. Just wait there.  
Oscar: You bringing a team wit you, ese?  
Tony: (On Phone) Team? I don't need no stinking team.  
Oscar: Fine. How long you gonna be?  
Tony: (On Phone) About 10 minutes. Just got to get something first.  
Oscar: Get what? Voice: (On Phone) Welcome to Bob Duggan's Carpet Warehouse and Sausage Shack. How may I help you?  
Tony: (On Phone) Yeah, can I have 3 orders of sausage, with onions, please?  
Oscar: (To Pete) He's getting food.  
Pete: Greedy fuck.  
Tony: (On Phone) I heard that. I won't be long. See ya soon. (Hangs up)  
Oscar: He'll not be long. (Pause) Wanna play Scrabble?  
Pete: Bitch, I already got my tiles ready.  
Oscar: Awesome.

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
Logan's Hotel Room.  
-----

(Logan, Martha and Palmer are watching TV. Mike Novick enters, wearing a multicoloured perm wig)

Novick: Sorry to interrupt you during The View, sir, but Hal Gardner is here.  
Logan: (To Martha) Why is the gardener here? Did I set fire to his shrubbery again?  
Martha: The Vice President is here.  
Logan: Oh, GARDNER. I thought you said GARDENER. (Pronounces GARDNER and GARDENER the same) Send him in.  
Novick: Yessir. (Leaves the room)

(Hal Gardner enters, followed by Mike)

Logan: Hal. Welcome.  
Hal: Mr. President.  
Logan: What can we do for you Hal?  
Hal: Well Sir. I would like to assist you in this crisis we have at the moment.  
Mike: This crisis is nearly over Hal. You are too late.  
Hal: Really? Oh.. Well.. I suggest we impose Marshall Law over Los Angeles.  
Logan: Marshall Law? That film sucked. I really don't want to impose that on the people of LA.  
Hal: I mean declare a curfew. Put troops on the streets for when the canisters are released.  
Martha: You want the troops there because you control them. YOU ARE AGAINST CHARLES.  
Mike: She's right. PIERCE. (Pierce bursts into the room) Take The Vice President into custody.  
Pierce: Right.

(As Pierce leads the VP out, Logan approaches Mike)

Logan: Inform the Speaker of the House that I need to see him, and think of a way to cover this up.  
Mike: Can do.  
Logan: Oh, and Mike.  
Mike: Yessir?  
Logan: Lose the wigs. They don't suit you.  
Palmer: Pizza with mushrooms is inferior to plain cheese.  
Logan: And you, (Points at Palmer) stop talking crap.  
Palmer: As you wish, Mr President.  
Logan: Good. (Sit's back down, satisfied with himself) Kiss me, wife.  
Martha: Yes, Mr President. (Kisses Logan)  
Logan: Life. Is. Good.

-  
Outside the Mall.  
-----

(Curtis, Chase and the 2 agents are going through their strategy. Chase calls CTU. Chloe answers)

Chloe: (On Phone) O'Brian.  
Chase: Chloe, it's Chase. We're at the mall now. I need you to set up infrared so we can determine the hostile's positions.  
Edgar: (On Phone) Where'd you put my appetite suppressent gum?  
Chloe: (On Phone) It's on the dresser at home, next to the cuffs.

(Chase vomits at this fact)

Edgar: (On Phone) But I need it now, I'm craving a pie.  
Chloe: (On Phone) Just sit down, Eddy. (To Chase) Sorry bout that? Infrared will be up in a second.  
Chase: OK. Upload it to my PD will ya.  
Chloe: (On Phone) Right. (After a few seconds pause) Done. Anything else.  
Chase: (Checks his PDA) No, that's it. Thanks Chloe. (Hangs up)  
Curtis: Why did you vomit, dude?  
Chase: You don't wanna know. Trust me.

(Curtis peers at Chase's PDA)

Curtis: I can make a Crocodile.  
Agent #1: I see a Bunny.  
Agent #2: I see dead people.  
Chase: Sweet. I see, our job idiots. Now let's go. Remember, shoot to kill.  
Curtis: YEAH!

(They jump out of the van and head to their seperate entrances)

-  
Ocset Warehouse.  
-----

Dennis: So that man is Jack Bauer, Eric's brother. They look so much alike.  
Ocset: Well they are twins. Now, when he gets back act like he is still Eric. We can try and trick him into making a mistake.  
Dennis: Right.

(Jack enters)

Dennis: DAMN YOU JACK BAUER!  
Jack: Oh shit. (Shoots Dennis and aims his gun at Ocset) Don't try anything.  
Ocset: Wow. Dennis is an idiot.  
Jack: Yeah. Even I can agree to that. Why give me any chance to shoot him?  
Ocset: So what now Jack? Everyone in this building now knows you are not Eric. This place is locked down. There is no escape.  
Jack: You may have a point. I could just use you as a shield. Or I could just do this. (Shoots Ocset in the arm) ARE THERE ANY MORE GAS CANISTERS IN LA!  
Ocset: No, no. The mall and the cases here are the only ones left.  
Jack: Good. Do you have any more information for me?  
Ocset: (Sighs) No.

(Jack shoots Ocset in the head. He dies)

Jack: Now, how do I get out of here? (Accidentally fires his gun) Crap.

-  
Oscar's Car -----

(Oscar, Pete and Tony are waiting. They hear a gunshot)

Oscar: Was that another gunshot?  
Tony: The third in as many minutes. We should go in.  
Pete: What about that guard. (Points to the guard by the door)  
Tony: Hold on. (Gets out of the car)  
Oscar: Where's he going?

-  
Outside The Warehouse.  
-----

(Tony is walking over to the guard)

Tony: Hey, buddy. C'mere. (The guard does so and Tony kicks him in the balls, knees him in the face and judo flips him. As he's lying on the floor unconscious, Tony kicks him. He shouts to the car) COAST'S CLEAR GUYS. MORE GUARDS INSIDE THOUGH, BETTER BRING GUNS.

(Oscar and Pete get out of the car and run over to Tony)

Oscar: So we just go in guns blazing?  
Tony: Me and you go in guns blazing, Pete will drive the car through the door.  
Pete: Awesome.  
Oscar: WHAT? That's my car dammit! It took my dad years to save up enough money for it.  
Tony: Has it occured to you that you will probably die in this gunfight, leaving Me and Jack the only survivors?  
Pete: He's got a point.  
Oscar: Then let me drive it in.  
Tony: Fine. Get ready.  
Pete: Vaya con Dios padre.  
Oscar: Vaya con Dios.  
Tony: What? Stop doing that.  
Pete: Sorry. It means 'Go with God'  
Tony: Sweet. Vaya con Dios bro.

-  
Inside The Warehouse.  
-----

(Jack is shooting an endless stream of guys that run into the room)

Jack: Man, I'm down to 400 rounds. (Turns on his radio) Errrr guys, some support.  
Tony: (On Radio) We will be in soon Jack. Hold on.  
Jack: Okay. Looks like I'm stuck in here anyway. (Looks at the pile of dead bodies by the door) Damn. Heeeeey. (Picks wallet from fallen henchman) Ooooooh.  
Body: I ain't dead yet, bitch.

(Jack shoots him again. The body falls down, dead)

Jack: Now you are. And this (Waves wallet) is now mine.

(Oscar's car bursts through the door, and screeches to a halt. Tony and Pete run in after it)

Tony: Sup Jack. How's it going?  
Jack: The usual. There's a couple of canisters here, we need to find them and dispose of them.  
Tony: Right. Pete and Oscar, go that way (Points to the door by the pile of dead bodies) and Me and Jack will go this way (Points to a well lit corridor)  
Oscar: Son of a bitch!

(Both teams head in thier designated diections. Pete starts to cry)

Pete: (In between sniffs) But... I... don't... want... to... die.  
Oscar: Me neither. But it's our duty. Now suck it up and be a man.  
Pete: (Still crying) I... love... you... Oscar. I... just... wanted... you... to... know... that.  
Oscar: Oh Christ. I do hope we die now, so that revelation can die with us.

-  
Mall Food Court.  
-----

(Curtis and one of the agents are stealthily making their way along a corridor, silencers on their guns. A terrorist comes around a corner and sees them)

Curtis: SHIT! (Fires off 3 rounds into the terrorist) He'll not mess with me again.  
Agent: How do you know that was a terrorist?  
Curtis: Why would a civilian be walking around like that in a terrorist situation. Now, come on. They must be down here somewhere.  
Agent: Right O.

(They walk down some more corridors and come to a large door. A sign reads 'Storage')

Agent: You think they are in here?  
Curtis: Wow, what a great assumption there smartass.  
Voices from inside: Who's there? Is that you Rudolf?  
Curtis: Uh-oh. (He kicks open the door and shoots the man who spoke)  
Willem: Oh my God! You killed Deiter! You bastard! (He shoots at Curtis, missing him and killing the other agent)  
Curtis: Whitey can't shoot. (He shoots Willem's gun arm. Willem drops the gun and runs over to a canister)  
Willem: You are too late. Nothing can stop this gas now. (He attempts to open the canister) Damn child safety locks!  
Curtis: HA! Times up dirtbag. (Shoots Willem in the heart) Oh yeah. Curtis 1, Terrorists 0. (He does a victory dance) We won! We won! (His radio goes off)  
Chase: Curtis, one of the canisters was released. We have a few minutes to get out of here before we all die.  
Curtis: Motherfu-

-  
Clock. Advert. Clock.  
-  
CTU.  
-----

(Bill gathers employees around to update them on the teams' progress)

Bill: Curtis and Chase have killed all of the mall terrorists and rescued the hostages, but not before one canister released the gas. Current casualty count is about 14 dead. Our agents got out in time, through a door on the roof. They put a towel down at the bottom to stop gas escaping. All other doors were locked and sealed, so no gas got into the atmosphere outside.  
Chloe: WHAT ABOUT JACK AND TONY?  
Dave: YEAH. WHAT NEWS OF MASTER AND THE ANGRY ONE?  
Edgar: WE GOT ANY PIE?  
Bill: No word yet on Tony and Jack, but as they say, no news is good news.

(Phone rings. Edgar answers)

Edgar: Stiles.  
Jack: (On Phone) Edgar, it's Jack. Tony and I haven't found the remaining canisters in our part of the warehouse, so we're gonna help Oscar and Pete search their part.  
Bill: Put it on speakerphone. (Edgar does so) Jack, it's Bill.  
Jack: (On Phone) Hey Bill (To Tony) It's Bill.  
Tony: (On Phone) I guessed.  
Jack: (On Phone) (To Bill) Tony says hey.  
Tony: (On Phone) No I didn't.  
Jack: (On Phone) Does it matter?... Thought not.  
Bill: Jack, are you sure there are canisters there?  
Jack: (On Phone) Yes. Dennis told me when he believed I was Eric. They had a whole operation going on here involving Ocset's company.  
Edgar: BASTARD!... Only got cherry pie. I want apple.  
Chloe: EDDY! What have I told you about pie!  
Tony: (On Phone) That it makes him fat!  
Bill: Quiet! Keep looking Jack, we can't afford any more canisters to be released. (Hangs up) Now give me some cherry pie.

-  
CTU Cell.  
-----

(Eric is still handcuffed)

Eric: Excuse me, could you help me scrath an itch I have?

(The guard outside opens the door)

Guard: Where is this itch?  
Eric: On my nose.

(The guard scratches Eric's nose and gets a knee in the balls and smack on his head rendering him unconcious)

Eric: Idiot. (He finds the keys to his cuffs and undoes them) Ahhhhh. (He takes the guard's gun and leaves the cell) Now to get out of here.

-  
CTU Entrance.  
-----

(Dave is waiting to greet Jack back from the warehouse. Eric rounds the corner and Dave see's him)

Eric: Oh shit. (He walks over to Dave)  
Dave: Oh Jack, You're back already?  
Eric: Yeah. I left the others to finish up.  
Dave: Cool. Where are you going now?  
Eric: Just out to get some stuff I found at the warehouse.  
Dave: Can I help Master?  
Eric: No that's okay. You can get me some coffee though. I had a rough time there.  
Dave: Okay. Be right back. (He walks off)  
Eric: Moron.

(Eric exits the building and runs across the parking lot and onto the road. He runs across the road and steals a parked car. As he drives off, a man chases after him)

Man: Goddammit. That was a rental too.

-  
Warehouse.  
-----

(Jack, Tony, Oscar and Pete are searching for the canisters)

Tony: Damn this is boring. (Takes out a hipflask) Anybody want a drink?  
Jack: Put that away and get back to searching.  
Tony: Fine. (Takes a quick drink and puts the flask back in his pocket)  
Oscar: What if we don't find the canisters and they go off while we are in the building? What'll we do?  
Tony: Die.  
Jack: We'll find the canisters. I doubt they're armed anyway. (Opens a door and sees 2 crates) Bingo! (Goes over to the crates and opens one of them. Inside are the canisters)  
Tony: They don't look so harmless.  
Jack: (Checking the canisters) They're not armed. We're safe.  
Pete: Thank god for that. (Sees something out of the corner of his eye) What was that?  
Oscar: It was nothing.

(A man walks out from the shadows. Jack and Tony point their guns at him)

Jack: FEDERAL AGENTS. DOWN ON THE FLOOR!  
Tony: WHAT HE SAID, ASSHOLE!  
Man: I am not a terrorist. This is my warehouse. I used it to package sausage for a customer.  
Tony: Bob Duggan?  
Bob: Yes. Hello Agent Bauer, Agent Almeida.  
Tony: You're the guy who's kid trapped me in a box. That little rat bas-  
Jack: (Interrupting) Tony.  
Tony: Sorry. So what are you doing here Bob?  
Bob: Well, I rented this place out to that Ocset guy, but he seemed suspicious so I came out here to see what he's doing here. I saw all these men with guns and hid here.  
Tony: Pansy.  
Jack: Dude, chill. Plus you can talk, you cried when Bambi's mother got shot.  
Tony: No I didn't... She got owned... (His eyes well up) DAMN YOU! (Walks off crying)  
Pete: Hehehe.  
Bob: Now that you've killed all of them terrorists, I'd like to go back to my house. Bob Jr. will be getting hungry around now. Bye all. (He leaves)  
Oscar: He's cool. And his sausages are great.  
Pete: Haha, you said his sausage was great.  
Oscar: I said 'sausages', dick.  
Jack: Hmmmmmm... That's odd.  
Pete: What is it?  
Jack: You too aren't dead.  
Oscar: WOHOO! Wait... My car is trashed now. Tony and his fucking orders.  
Jack: Well, I'll go find Tony. You too bring the canisters and meet us out the front.  
Pete: (Saluting Jack) Aye aye Cap'n.  
Jack: Oh God. (He walks off)  
Oscar: (Hits Pete) You had to salute him didn't you. Now help me carry these.  
Pete: Fine. (They each take a side of one crate and lift) Sweet fuck, these are heavy.  
Oscar: Less talk, more moving.

(They carry the crate to the main warehouse floor, to Oscar's car)

Pete: You think Jack has found Tony yet?  
Oscar: Probably. (They go back for the other crate)

-  
Alley behind warehouse -----

(Tony is leaning against a wall drinking from his hipflask. Jack exits the warehouse, scans the alley, sees Tony and walks over to him)

Jack: Lemme have a sip. (Tony hands the flask over) So, how you feeling?  
Tony: 'Bout what?  
Jack: About the baby?  
Tony: I dunno, yet. Ya know? You think I'll be a good dad?  
Jack: If you can discipline the child without beating the crap out of it, then yeah, you will be a good dad.  
Tony: Thanks. (Takes flask from Jack and takes a swig) Was it difficult for you? Having a child and doing this?  
Jack: Yeah, it was. Still is, in a way. Knowing that my job could get the people I love killed.  
Tony: Yeah. (Long Pause) I'm gonna propose to Michelle.  
Jack: That's good. It's the right thing to do.  
Tony: Yeah, I know. (Pause) So what are they doing? (Refering to Oscar and Pete)  
Jack: Carrying the crates to the entrance. I told them we'd meet them there.  
Tony: We gonna take my car back?  
Jack: Yeah.  
Tony: Awesome. I got a great song we can listen too.  
Jack: Sweet. What?  
Tony: The Walker theme.  
Jack: Texas Ranger?  
Tony: That's right.  
Jack: Oh, fuckin' A, dude.

-  
Oscar's Car.  
-----

Oscar: That's all of them. Damn those motherfuckers were heavy. How the hell does gas weigh that much?  
Pete: I don't know. Hey there's Jack and Tony.  
Jack: I guess you guys are going to drive Oscar's car back huh?  
Oscar: Yeah. I need to have it refurbished now, thanks to Tony.  
Tony: What? I thought they would die.  
Jack: Me too.  
Pete: I have to admit, I was expecting to die too.  
Tony: We can't even trust you guys to die right.  
Jack: Anyhow, let's head back to CTU. (They head to their respective cars) CRANK IT TONY! (Tony puts on the 'Walker Texas Ranger' theme) OH YEAH!

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Dave is waiting by the entrance with "Jack"'s coffee)

Dave: Where the hell is he?

(Inside, Chloe is angry at Edgar)

Chloe: You've been eating things behind my back haven't you?  
Edgar: I.. err.. no?  
Chloe: I can prove it. (Shows surveilance footage of Edgar eating a pie) There.  
Edgar: Mmmmmmmm pie... (Drools)  
Chloe: No more sweets for you. (Edgar whines, like a puppy) I mean it.  
Edgar: C'mon, Chloe. 1 last gateau. And that's it, I promise. (Puppy dog eyes)  
Chloe: Oh fine. But no more. Or I will have to break out the whip. (Reaches under a desk and pulls out a Black Forest Gateau on a plate)  
Edgar: I love you.  
Chloe: Me or the cake?  
Edgar: Ummmmmmmmmmm... you. I love you...cakey.  
Chloe: You're lucky I love you, you know? Do you need a fork?  
Edgar: Nah, I'm good. (Puts the plate on the desk and mushes his face into it)  
Lynn: (Offscreen) OH HELL NO. NOT ON MY DESK!  
Gary: Hey Lynn. Is that some whipped cream on that Ring you like so much?  
Lynn: Better fucking not be!

-  
Stolen Car.  
-----

(Eric is whistling the Duel of The Fates. He is looking around for a phone)

Eric: Ahhh, there's one. (He pulls over and gets out of his car and walks over to a man with a mobile phone) I'll take this.  
(He takes the man's phone and hits him to the ground)  
Man: Hey! What are you doing.  
Eric: Baking a cake. What do you think I am doing? (He knocks the man out and dials a number on the phone. After a few seconds a woman answers)  
Woman: (On Phone) United Airlines. How may I help you?  
Eric: I'd like a first class seat to Italy please.  
Woman: (On Phone) When would like the flight sir?  
Eric: Today, the next flight out.  
Woman: (On Phone) Well there is one leaving in 20 minutes.  
Eric: Excellant.

-  
LA Mall.  
-----

(Curtis and Chase are outside the mall. The gas has been released into the system and the place has been evacuated. They are having an arm wrestle. Curtis wins)

Curtis: OH YEAH! My pimp hand is way strong.  
Chase: Dammit. Shouldn't we head back to CTU?  
Curtis: 'Spose so.  
Chase: Say, what happened to that 2nd team we sent in?  
Curtis: Dunno.

-  
A Mall Corridor.  
-----

(Beta Team approach a door)

Beta Member 1: This is the last room to be cleared. Let's go in.

(Beta Member 2 opens the door. They step through and are transported to Narnia. They are approached by Mr. Tumnus)

Tumnus: Welcome to Narnia. My name is.  
Beta 1: THE TERRORISTS HAVE GOAT MUTANTS! KILL IT! (Beta Team riddles Tumnus with bullets)  
Beta 2: We showed that goat bastard.  
Beta 1: Yeah. (Looks around, puzzled) Hey, how do we get back?  
Beta 2: I'unno. Radio for help.  
Beta 1: OK. (Uses his radio) Beta 2 to Alpha 1. Beta 2 to Alpha 1. Do you copy? (Static)  
Beta 2: (Looking in the distance) Is that a Lion?  
Beta 1: KILL IT!

(Beta Team fire bullets off screen)

-  
LA Mall.  
-----

(Chase and Curtis are leg wrestling. Chase wins. He begins to sing)

Chase: IIIIII AM THE CHAAAAAMPIOOOOOON, MY FRIEEEEEEEND.  
Curtis: Shup, ya fool. We gotta get back to CTU and debrief.  
Chase: Get naked?  
Curtis: No? What is it with you and getting naked?  
Chase: (Suspiciously) Nothing.  
Curtis: Riiiiiight.  
Chase: Wanna penis wrestle?  
Curtis: NO GODDAMMIT! Let's just go back to CTU.

-  
CTU Entrance.  
-----

(Dave has drunk the first coffee and now has a fresh one)

Dave: What is taking Jack so long?

(Lynn walks up behind him)

Lynn: BOO!  
Dave: AAARRRGGGHHH! (He jumps and throws the coffee at Lynn)  
Lynn: OWWWW MY EYE!  
Dave: Oh man, I'm sorry Lynn. Why did you scare me like that?  
Lynn: I thought it would be funny.  
Dave: Now I have to get Jack another coffee.  
Lynn: Jack? He was in contact with you?  
Dave: He was here earlier. He said he was going to his car and hasn't been back since.  
Lynn: He hasn't been here since he left for the... Oh God, what have you done you moron.  
Dave: I may have done something bad.  
Lynn: I'm gonna have to tell Mr. Buchanan about this. Come with me. (Lynn and Dave walk into CTU)

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-  
CTU Parking Lot.  
-----

(Both Curtis & Chase and Jack, Tony, Oscar and Pete pull into parking spaces. They get out of their cars and go over to each other. Pete and Oscar run on ahead. Jack, Chase, Tony and Curtis walk into CTU together)

Chase: Yo, Jack, wassup?  
Curtis: Yo Tony bro, show a brother some skin, man.  
Tony: Curtis, it's been a long shift. I have no time for your eBonics right now.  
Jack: How did you guys get on?  
Chase: All our suspects were either shot or gassed. But we saved lots of people, so I'm pleased.  
Jack: So you should be. I must have killed about 45 people this shift. That's a new personal best.  
Tony: You rule, dude.

(As they approach CTU's Main Floor, they see Dave being led away. Jack runs onto the main floor to ask Bill what is happening)

Jack: What's going on with Dave?  
Bill: He's being held on suspicion of treason. He let a suspect we had in custody go free.

(Tony, Chase and Curtis approach)

Tony: Treason? Dave? Did he know what he was doing?  
Bill: He says that he thought it was Jack.  
Chase: Eric has escaped?  
Curtis: It sounds that way?  
Jack: I know Dave. He would never willingly aid the escape of a terrorist.  
Tony: Plus, the dude's a weakling. No terrorist cell would have him.  
Chase: Hey, Tony. How do you think Dave'll cope in prison?  
Tony: If he keeps his head down, he should be fine.  
Jack: He's not going to prison. There's gotta be a way to save him.

(A phone rings, someone answers)

Random CTU person: JACK. PHONE FOR YOU.

(Jack comes over and takes the phone)

-  
Zoo.  
-----

(Kim has rung her dad)

Jack: (On Phone) You're Jacked in. Kim: Hey Daddy!  
Jack: (On Phone) Who the hell is this?  
Kim: It's you're daughter. I'm in trouble.  
Jack: (On Phone) Dammit! Not again!  
Kim: I need some help!  
Jack: (On Phone) What's the problem?  
Kim: Well, I was at the zoo. I leaned over and looked into the crocodile pit.  
Jack: (Hopefully) You fell in?  
Kim: No, my purse fell in. With my keys. And CTU keycard.  
Jack: (On Phone) Hang on a second.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack covers the phone with his hand)

Jack: SON OF A MOTHERF B C-S AH!  
Bill: What's with Jack?  
Chase: He's just talking to his daughter.

(Jack uncovers the phone)

Jack: Kim, sweetie? Still there?  
Kim: (On Phone) Yeah I'm here, biatch! What are you waiting for?  
Jack: I had to baby-talk Edgar through something. Dumb bastard hasn't figured out how to use a drinking fountain yet.  
Edgar: Dammit why does everyone pick on me!  
Curtis: You never drink anything but soda, foo!  
Kim: (On Phone) Dumb biatch. Jack: You got the zookeeper there?  
Kim: (On Phone) Yeah. His name's Kawnliee.

-  
Zoo.  
-----

Kawnliee: Yeah?  
Jack: (On Phone) Listen biatch, get my daughter's purse out of your croc pit or I'll rip you a new one.  
Kawnliee: Like, man, you don't, like, understand. The crocs, like, it's almost feeding time, and, like, they're hungry. If I get in that pit, like, they'll, like, rip me a lot of new ones, like, in both a spiritual and metaphysical sense. Jack: (On Phone) I don't understand a word you just said. Give the phone back to my daughter.  
Kawnliee: Amen, brother. (He begins singing Kum-bi-ya)  
Kim: It's hard getting through to him. What should I do, Daddy?  
Jack: (On Phone) Do you have a gun?  
Kim: Yeah I stole it from CTU.  
Jack: (On Phone) Shoot him.  
Kim: Who, Kawnliee?  
Jack: (On Phone. Sarcastically) No, the phone!

(Kim shoots the phone)

-  
CTU.  
-----

Jack: DAMMIT!  
Edgar: See I'm not the dumbest biatch here.  
(Jack shoots the chocolate bar out of Edgar's hands)  
Tony: Dumb biatch.

(The phone rings. Jack answers)

Jack: You dumb biatch!  
Logan: (On Phone) Hello? Who the hell is this?  
(Jack hangs up quickly. the phone rings again)  
Jack: Hello there!  
Kim: (On Phone) Why'd you tell me to shoot the phone? I had to steal one from an old man!  
Jack: Never mind!

(Kawnliee is heard in the background still singing kum-bi-ya)

Jack: Shoot the zookeeper!  
Kim: (On Phone) You mean Kawnliee or any zookeeper? There's a lot of them around.  
Jack: The one who's singing.

(A shot is heard. Kawnliee begans screaming)

Kim: (On Phone) Ok, now what?  
Jack: Shoot him again.

(A second shot is heard. Kawnliee screams louder)

Kim: (On Phone) Ok, now what?  
Jack: Shoot him somewhere vital!

(A third shot is heard. Silence)

Kim: (On Phone) So how does this help me get my purse back?  
Jack: I just had you shoot him so I could have some quiet for thinking.

(Edgar begans humming Kum-bi-ya)

Jack: Dammit! Tony!

(Tony beats Edgar with a swivel chair until he shuts up)

Jack: Right! How many crocs are in the pit?  
Kim: (On Phone) One - two - three! One two three! There's four, Daddy!  
Jack: Alright, shoot them all.  
Kim: (On Phone) This sign says they're an endangered species.  
Jack: Bet your ass they're endangered.

(Kim shoots the two crocodiles)

Jack: Now get some rope and lower a kid down into the pit to get your purse.  
Kim: (On Phone) Thanks, Daddy!

(Jack hangs up)

Jack: I need something to drink.

(Tony hands him his hipflask. Jack takes a sip and coughs)

Tony: That's pure Russian vodka for ya.  
Jack: Wow, thanks.  
Bill: Now, about Dave. Do you really think he would let Eric go?  
Jack: Nah. He's an idiot. He wouldn't be smart enough to know a deal if Eric tried to make one with him.  
Bill: True. Okay. I'll tell Lynn that.  
Jack: What happened to the lockdown and the supposed 'mole?  
Bill: We think that the terrorists hacked into our database. Chloe can explain it more clearly later. But right now you guys could use a rest. Head down to the canteen, I have made arrangements. (He walks off to his office)  
Curtis: Arrangements? What is that old fuck on about?  
Chase: Dunno, let's check it out.

(They all head to the canteen)

Tony: KICKASS! A huge banquet! (The room has a long table with food all along it. There is smaller table seperate from the others. Edgar is eating at it) Oh, trust fatass to have his own table.  
Edgar: (With mouth full) Shut up asshole.  
Doris: Welcome.  
Jack: Hi Doris. Is this all for us?  
Doris: You bet it is. Now tuck in.

(They all sit to eat. Jack stands and raises a glass)

Jack: To us, and all those agents that died in today's events. Especially Jimmy, he will be sorely missed.  
All: Cheers.

-  
LAX Airport.  
-----

(Eric is waiting to board his flight. He is sipping a drink and talking to Jack's home answering machine)

Eric: Damn you Jack. You always were the better one. I have something up my sleeve though. My ace of spades. Goodbye Jack.  
(He hangs up) Damn answering machines.

-  
Clock. End Credits.  
-----

Eric: (On Phone) Hello?  
Woman: (On Phone) Who is this?  
Eric: (On Phone) It's me Eric.  
Woman: (On Phone) Why aren't you on your phone?  
Eric: (On Phone) CTU took it off of me.  
Woman: (On Phone) You were compromised? Idiot. Did you give anything about me away?  
Eric: (On Phone) No. They don't know about my connection to you, or your involvement today.  
Woman: (On Phone) Good. Remember our agreement, you don't see any money until it is done.  
Eric: (On Phone) Right. Logan will be dead within the week.  
Woman: (On Phone) Excellant. I have to go, I have low battery.  
Eric: (On Phone) Oh okay. By the way, you never did tell me your name?  
Woman: (On Phone) It's Mandy. 


	5. Christmas Party Special

This is just a short special fic that we wrote for a competition. Just thought I'd post it up here even though it is not a proper 'Day'. As this is set before Season 3, we have put in little omens and predictions that relate to seasons 3-5.  
See If you can spot them. Enjoy.

-  
The following takes place between 24 Seasons 2 and 3, in December, before Christmas, At 5 p.m.  
-  
CTU.  
-----

(CTU are having a Christmas Party. Everyone is there)

Michelle: This party sucks.  
Tony: That new guy seems to be enjoying it. (He points to Chase who is dancing)  
Michelle: Who is that guy.  
Tony: He's 'New Guy', the new guy.  
Jack: He's my new partner. Transferred from CTU DC after he helped us a few months back. He came with an analyst. I think she's talking to Gael.

(Across the room Gael and Chloe are talking)

Gael: So there I am, naked on a door, floating into the harbour.  
Chloe: Please, stop. Go tell Chase.

(Gael looks confused)

Chloe: Go tell 'New Guy.  
Gael: Ah. (Walks off) HEY, NEW GUY. GOT A STORY FOR YOU.

(Cut back to Tony and Michelle at the punch-bowl)

Michelle: Crap, the ice has melted. Tony, go get some more.  
Tony: Yes, ma'am. (Walks off)  
Michelle: AND HURRY BACK.

-  
CTU Garage.  
-----

(Tony gets into his car and starts the engine. He turns on the radio)

Announcer: Today's forcast...DEATH! With the new videoga- (Tony puts in a Johnny Cash cd. It starts to play)  
Tony: Sweet. Cash rules. (He drives out of the garage and heads to the store)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chappelle is drinking some punch. Jack walks over)

Jack: Why are you here Ryan? You don't work here.  
Chappelle: They don't like me at Division. They say I get all rowdy around punch. Plus, I don't think they like me.  
Jack: I don't like you. (He walks off)  
Chappelle: Oh. Hey Michelle.

(Jack walks over to Kim. She is talking to Chase)

Jack: Ahhhhhh, Chase. Freshen your drink, for ya? What's that ya got there? Scotch? Whisky? White Wine Spritzer?  
Chase: It's milk, Jack.  
Jack: Aaaaaah, White Russian, gotcha. I'll get you another. (Walks off)  
Chase: Is your dad alright?  
Kim: The holidays always make him act strangely. He tackled the tree in our lounge, one year, saying it had to go.  
Chase: Weird.

(Cut to Chappelle talking to Michelle)

Chappelle: (Drunk) So... you and Tony, huh. Getting kinda serious, is it?  
Michelle: Yes. It's going good.  
Chappelle: That is AWESOME! Relationships are good things. (Starts to break down) Until your partner leaves you for her (Finger Quotes) Yoga Instructor. She didn't even do yoga. bitch. I hope she dies.

(Awkward pause)

Chappelle: (Pathetically) Wanna do it in Tony's office?  
Michelle: No.  
Chappelle: No-one loves me! (He walks off crying. Gael walks over)  
Gael: So there I was, covered in foam and chewing on this pot plant.  
Michelle: I don't want to know. (She walks off)  
Gael: But someone gets hurt. (He follows her)

(Jack is holding Chase's White Russian. Chappelle is talking to him)

Chappelle: What does she see in Tony? Huh? Him and his... his... errrr.  
Jack: Office?  
Chappelle: Yeah. I have an office too. With one of those cooool swivelly chairs. (He spins around) Weeeeee! (He stops and starts talking to a hat rack) You've lost weight Jack.  
Jack: Oh god. (He walks off to find Chase)

-  
Convenience Store.  
-----

(Jay and Silent Bob are hanging around outside the store. Tony's car pulls up in front of them)

Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, then you know what we're going to do? We're gonna go to that party, and we're gonna get some pussy, and I'm gonna fuck this bitch, and fuck this bitch, I'll FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!  
(Tony heads toward the store) What the fuck you lookin at, I'll kick yo fuckin' ass! Shit yeah. Doesn't that fucker owe me 10 bucks? You know, fuckin' tonight, we're gonna rip off that fucker's head, and take out his fuckin' SOUL. (Two women walk past) Hey, what's up baby, what's up, sluts? Yeah, Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys and make like a circus seal.

(Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks)

Jay: Ewww, you fucking faggot, I HATE guys. I LOVE WOMEN!

-  
Inside the store.  
-----

(Tony is at the freezer, deciding which ice to get)

Tony: This one should suffice.

(Heads to the checkout)

Guy behind counter: Would you like fries with that...? Only kidding! (He laughs) That'll be 2 dollers please.

(Tony fishes about in his pocket)

Tony: I know I had some money here somewhere...

-  
Outside the store.  
-----

Jay: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.

(Tony exits the store and checks his change)

Tony: Dammit. He short-changed me.

(Jay and Silent Bob laugh to each other as Tony walks past)

Tony: Shut it Fatass.  
Jay: Hey, leave him alone, ya fuckin' jerkoff.

(Tony is heading back to his car when he hears a scream from a nearby alley. He heads to investigate. As he rounds the corner his ice is stolen as a guy runs past him)

Hysterical woman: THAT GUY STOLE MY PURSE!  
Tony: CRAP! He stole my ice!

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack is washing his hands in the toilets)

Jack: Goddamn salsa dip. It's dyed my skin.

(Gael enters)

Gael: Hey Jack. Some party, huh?  
Jack: Are you high? This party sucks.  
Gael: Reminds me of this other party I went to once. Boring as hell, but then, I pulled out the balloons and guacamole, and we raised the roof.  
Jack: You're an odd man, Gael.  
Gael: I do what I can.  
Jack: Just go pee, ya freak.

-  
Outside the store.  
-----

(Tony is locking up his car)

Hysterical Woman: Are you going after that thief?  
Tony: (Sarcastically) No. I'm going to Canada and starting my own church. (Serious) Of course I'm going after him. He has my ice.

(A man approaches Tony)

Man: Can I help?  
Tony: Who the hell are you?  
Man: I'm Richard Inmouth.  
Tony: Your kidding right?  
Richard: No. Why would I? I'm part of the local neighbourhood watch and I saw that you were robbed.  
Tony: But your name is Richard Inmouth.  
Richard: Why are you going on about this?  
Tony: 'COS YOUR NAME IS 'DICK' INMOUTH! (He bursts out laughing)  
Richard: Goddammit. I hate people like you. (He walks off. Tony is still laughing)  
Not as hysterical woman: Are you going after that man or not?  
Tony: Oh shit yeah, my ice. (He starts running after the thief)

-  
LA Zoo.  
-----

(Chuck is walking through the zoo)

Chuck: Ahhhh what nice animals these are. (He walks past the penguin enclosure and peers over the wall) I don't see any penguins. Wonder where they all are.

(The thief has turned into the zoo unaware that he is being pursued by Tony)

Tony: HEY! Gimme back my ice!  
Thief: Uh-oh. (He runs past Chuck, knocking him into the penguin enclosure)  
Chuck: AAARRGGGHHH!

Tony: (Takes out his gun and fires at the thief, hitting him in the leg. The thief falls to the ground.) That'll teach you to take my ice.  
Thief: (Lets go of the ice) Here, take it. I don't even want it. (Gets up and limps off)

(Tony comes over and picks up his ice. Then turns his attention to Chuck, flailing around in the penguin enclosure)

Tony: Need a hand?  
Chuck: Yes please.

(Tony puts the ice down on the floor, and jumps in the water to rescue Chuck. As he is in the water, the penguins climb out of the water at the other side of the enclosure, walk over to the ice, pick it up and walk away with it)

Tony: (Dragging Chuck from the water) Damn, you're heavy. What's your name, anyway?  
Chuck: It's Charles, Charles Logan, but my friends call me Chuck.  
Tony: Please to meet you Logan, the name's Tony.  
Chuck: Say, didn't you have ice?  
Tony: (Looks around for the bag) WHERE THE FUCK'S IT GONE NOW?  
Chuck: Aaaw look, that penguin has it.

(A penguin is staring at Tony with the ice bag in it's beak)

Tony: Come to uncle Tony. (He edges toward the penguin. It waddles away from him) Come here, I won't hurt you.

(The penguin decides to take its chances, turns and waddles away)

Tony: Come here you little bugger. (He runs after the penguin and slips and falls on the ice, sliding into a wall) OWWWww!

(A group of penguins are watching Tony now)

Tony: I swear they are laughing at me on the inside... The little bastards.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack is at the bar. Chase comes over)

Jack: Sup, Chase?  
Chase: Crap all, that's what. I've been trying to score some tail for 20 minutes now, to no avail.

(Chappelle comes over)

Chappelle: (Drunk and slurring his words) YOU. EDMUNDS. YOU'RE A JERK! THEY SHOULD HAVE FIRED YOU YEARS AGO.  
Chase: (Confused) I've been here 3 months.  
Chappelle: SHUT UP! THINK YOU'RE SO BIG! WITH YOUR SHAVED HEAD, AND YOUR GUN. I BET YOU STILL HAVE BOTH YOUR GENITALS, DON'T YOU. WHAT? WANNA SEE WHAT A SINGLE BALL LOOKS LIKE?  
Chase: God no.  
Chappelle: (Drops his trousers. Jack and Chase look away) THERE YOU GO, WANT A LOOK SO BADLY. I'M HALF A MAN! WORD OF ADVICE,  
YA COCK, PAY YOUR ALIMONY.  
Jack: They took your ball as alimony?  
Chappelle: YEAH. DAMN BITCH TOLD THEM TOO. (He pulls up his trousers) Hug me. (He extends his arms out to Jack who deftly dodges allowing Chappelle to hug Chase)  
Chase: You bastard.

(Jack grins and walks away)

Chappelle: I hate you.  
Chase: Then stop hugging me.

-  
LA Zoo.  
-----

(Tony has managed to retrieve his ice by bribing the penguins with fish)

Tony: What I want to know is why they want more ice anyway? They're surrounded in the damn stuff. (He turns to Chuck)  
Chuck: Wow look. (He has put a rubber glove on a penguin's head) He looks like a chicken. (The penguin glares at Tony)  
Tony: Evil.  
Chuck: Isn't he? Look how cute. (Strokes the penguin, who turns and bites his hand) Sonofa.  
Tony: Leave it, I have to get this ice back to the party.  
Chuck: Ooooh, a party. Can I come? My wife is having one of her "episodes" and I don't want to go home just yet.  
Tony: Spose so. C'mon.  
Chuck: Sweeeet.

(They walk off. As they reach the enterance to the zoo, Tony trips and the bag of ice flies from his hand, into the back of a pickup truck)

Chuck: Well... That's just unlucky. (Tony glares at Chuck) Sorry.

(Tony and Chuck run after the truck)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chase walks into the room, carrying a keg)

Jack: What the hell is that for?  
Chase: KEGSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDS!  
Jack: Kegstands?  
Chase: Yeah, kegstands. I also got my friend, Bobby P, bringing over his decks, we gonna have a proper fucking party.

(A donkey 'hee-haws' from somewhere offscreen)

Jack: Please tell me that wasn't a donkey.  
Chase: I won't lie to you, Jack. (Brief pause. Then Chase walks off)

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Tony and Chuck have seen the pickup stop at a gas station)

Tony: I.. hate.. running.  
Chuck: I ..hate.. spinach. It makes me all gassy.  
Tony: Thanks for that. (He walks over to the truck and finds the ice all smashed up by some wood the truck was carrying)  
This is just not fair at all. Guess I'll have to buy more now. (To Chuck) Where is the nearest store?  
Chuck: Follow me. It's about a block this way. (They head off towards the store)  
Tony: So what do you do for a living Chuck?  
Chuck: I'm the Governor's aide. But I hope to one day be more than that.  
Tony: Well good for you.  
Chuck: What about you Tony?  
Tony: I'm head of CTU Los Angeles.  
Chuck: Wow. Must be fun to order people around.  
Tony: Hell yeah, do it all the time. Rookies wet themselves when I yell at them. Good times. (They reach the store) I'll be back in a minute.  
Chuck: Ritey O.

(Tony goes into the store)

Chuck: (Starts whistling, then sees something on the floor) Ooooh, a penny. (Picks it up) Wonder if there's any more? (Goes searching for pennies) I'm finding money on the ground, lalalalala.

(Tony exits the store)

Tony: Cool, that idiot Chuck has gone. Now to walk back to my car.  
Chuck: (Pops up behind Tony) Can I come too?  
Tony: Oh... I thought you'd left.  
Chuck: Nope, I was just picking money up off the ground.  
Tony: That's pretty cheap.  
Chuck: Yeah. (Takes a carton of cigarettes from his pocket. He takes two and puts the carton back in his coat. He offers a cigarette to Tony) Cigarette?  
Tony: Yes, it is. Now which way is the car?  
Chuck: I'unno, I lost track whilst chasing that truck.  
Tony: But you know where we are and where we were before don't you?  
Chuck: What?  
Tony: Oh Jesus. Never mind. Which way to CTU?  
Chuck: It's about half hour walk that'a way.  
Tony: Great, just what I need, a half hour walk with you.  
Chuck: (Examining his penny) Hmmm?  
Tony: I said, great a half hour walk with you.  
Chuck: Brilliant. Off we go. (They heads off towards CTU)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(It's Jack's turn on the keg)

Crowd: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

(Jack spills beer from his mouth. The crowd cheers. Jack gets up and walks into the main bar area)

Kim: Dad? Have you been drinking from a keg?  
Jack: My leg's fine.  
Kim: Great. That new guy and his friends have got you drunk.  
Jack: But I don't want a bald head.  
Kim: What?  
Michelle: Why is Jack having a bald head?  
Kim: He's not.  
Jack: She said I should become a monk.  
Kim: I didn't.  
Michelle: Why are you saying that Kim?  
Kim: I didn't. But shouldn't you take it easy, Dad? You did have a heart attack less than a year ago.  
Jack: SHUP NOW! I'm fine. Watch. (Does a little jig, then stops suddenly) Shouldn't have done that.  
Kim: Is it your heart?  
Jack: Nope, gonna throw up. (Vomits violently onto Chappelle, who is dancing past)  
Chappelle: OH GOD! IT'S GONE PAST MY BELT. IT'S SEEPING TO MY BALL! DAMN YOU, BAUER.  
Jack: Hehe, classic. (Passes out)  
Chase: What happened to Jack?  
Kim: Passed out.  
Chase: Awesome. (Calls to his friends) HEY GUYS, TIME FOR A SHAMING!  
Chase's Friends: (Chanting) SHAMING! SHAMING!

(They pick Jack up and carry him away)

Kim: DON'T HURT HIM.  
Chappelle: FUCK, YOU'RE HOT! Wanna do it in Tony's office?  
Kim: Hell no, you perv!  
Chappelle: WHY WON'T ANYBODY LOVE ME?  
Kim: 'Cos you're a puke covered asshole?  
Michelle: Plus, you're no oil painting, are ya.  
Chappelle: Just shut up, before I fire you all.

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Tony and Chuck are walking down the street. Chuck is humming the A-Team tune)

Chuck: Ahhh, remember that show.  
Tony: The A-Team? Who doesn't. Men making tanks out of paperclips, a rubberband and a coffee cup. A classic.  
Chuck: They really did that? Were the actors in the real army? 'Cos we could do with men like that. I can't even flick a rubberband.  
Tony: I can believe that. (They turn a corner and Tony walks into a chav)  
Chav: Oi! What you fink your doin' 'en, dick'ed?  
Tony: I'm sorry. (He tries to step past but the chav blocks his path)  
Chav: Where you goin' now?  
Tony: Away from you.  
Chav: What? Do I smell or summin?  
Tony: You smell... (He sniffs) of cigarettes and booze.  
Chav: Y'wa? Ya dik. Say'n I smell or summat?  
Tony: Ummm, yes?  
Chav: I'll fookin' 'ave you now, ya scratend.  
Chuck: What's a scratend?

(The Chav punches Chuck)

Chav: That's a scratend, ya fooking gay.  
Tony: Hey, you wanna brawl, ya toothless son of a whore?

(Tony punches the Chav. The Chav punches Tony. Tony swings his bag of ice at the Chav, but he misses and the ice goes into a river)

Tony: Goddammit.

(Tony runs the along the riverbank, the Chav in hot pursuit. The Chav catches Tony and tackles him to the ground. They brawl on the ground, with the chav victorious. The Chav carries on walking along the riverbank, but is knocked across the head with a plank of driftwood by Tony. Tony drags the Chav to the water and holds his head under. The Chav thrashes about, trying to save himself. The Chav grabs Tony's neck and flips him into the river, and jumps on his back. He pulls at Tony's hair)

Tony: Get off me.

(Tony grabs the Chav's arm and bites into it, hard)

Chav: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, YA KNOB.

(The Chav jumps off Tony's back and holds his arm. Tony and the Chav circle each other in the river for a few seconds. The Chav lunges at Tony, but Tony dodges, and before the Chav can turn around, Tony takes out his gun and shoots him 3 times.  
The Chav falls down dead in the water. Tony picks up his ice, which is lodged against a rock, and climbs back onto the riverbank. Chuck comes running over)

Chuck: THAT WAS INCREDIBLE! YOU WERE AMAZING.  
Tony: Just doing my job.

(They walk off, back to CTU. A groan is heard. The Chav survived)

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack opens his eyes and looks around)

Jack: Oh no.

(He had been tied to a pipe in the showers. He was dressed as a gopher)

Jack: What's with the outfit? (Snickering is heard around the corner and Chase pops out and photos Jack) What the hell!  
Chase: SHAMED! SHAMED! (The crowd behind the wall cheer) SHAMED! SHAMED! SHAMED!  
Jack: I hate you guys.  
Chappelle: Yeah, they all suck.

(Chappelle is slumped next to Jack)

Jack: Why are you here?  
Chappelle: They took my boat, man.  
Jack: You don't have a boat.  
Chappelle: Not now I don't. (He spews on his arm) Shit. More drycleaning.

(Chase and his crowd had conga'd out of the showers and were now in the bar area)

(Gael is talking to a Random CTU guy)

Gael: So I'm at this farm right. No women for miles. I'd been there 6 weeks, so I go into the field and get it out.. (He gets knocked off of his chair by the conga line)

Michelle: Sorry Gael.  
Gael: S'ok. It reminds me of this time . (Everybody around Gael walks off) Why do people leave when I start to tell stories?

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Tony and Chuck are walking along the street. Chuck stops outside a bank)

Chuck: Hold up a sec. I gotta go in here for something.  
Tony: What could you possibly need money for?  
Chuck: Tutoring.  
Tony: Ahh. What you need help with?  
Chuck: It's not for me. It's for my son, Teddy.  
Tony: Ted Logan, huh? He got a friend named Bill?  
Chuck: You know them?  
Tony: The bastards egged my car, my house...AND ME!  
Chuck: They're good kids. Wait there a second. (Chuck walks into the bank. 10 seconds later, a van pulls up next to Tony, and 4 men wearing ski masks get out)  
Man 1: In, Money, Out in 45 seconds. Synchronise watches. (Other men adjust watches) GO!

(The men run into the bank, with Tony watching them)

Tony: Goddammit. (He pulls his gun and walks toward the bank door)

-  
Inside The Bank.  
-----

Man 1: QUIET! Nobody move or this man gets it. (He is digging a gun into Chuck's back)  
Chuck: This is really uncomfortable you know.  
Man 1: SHUT UP!  
Chuck: You seem edgy?  
Man 1: You suck as a hostage! (He knocks out Chuck and drops him to the floor, picking someone else up in his place) You won't argue with me will you?  
Hostage 1: No sir.  
Man 2: We have the money John.  
Man 1: Don't say my name you idiot.  
Man 2: Sorry John.  
Man 1: DAMMIT!

(Tony had sneaked in through the front entrance, which wasn't being watched. He knocks out one of the robbers from behind)

Tony: Kickass.

(He peers round the corner at 2 robbers arguing over something. A third is fiddling with the vault)

Tony: These guys suck. (He hears sirens) Oh shit.  
Man 2: The cops man. What do we do?  
Man 1: Go and lock the front entrance. Then you and Eddy stay there.  
Man 2: Right.  
Tony: Oh crap. Gotta hide. (He looks around) Sweet.

(Man 2 goes to the front door and locks it. Tony sniggers from his hiding place. Man 3 turns to find the source of the noise,  
but sees only a small potted cactus. He moves closer to investigate and Tony leaps from behind the cactus and takes him down.  
Tony then steals the man's clothes and gun)

Tony: This'll do nicely. (Hides Man 3 behind the cactus, then pulls the ski mask down, covering his face. He walks toward Man 1)  
Man 1: What took you so long to lock that door?  
Tony: Had to pee. Want me to kill any hostages?  
Man 1: Not just yet, although THAT one (Indicates Chuck) is mumbling something to himself. Something about CTU, or something?  
I'unno. I think he's crazy.  
Tony: Yeah. (About Man 3) He need help with that vault?  
Man 1: Probably. He can't even use a calculator, so I don't know what he's doing with that thing.  
Tony: Yeah. I'll give him a hand.  
Man 1: You sound different. And you've gotten shorter. And you smell sweeter. And you have both hands. Something's happened to you.  
Tony: It's your imagination, playing tricks on you.  
Man 1: You're probably right. I need a good nights rest.  
Tony: We all do, man. We all do. (Tony walks over to Man 3) Need a hand?  
Man 3: Sure. (He looks at Tony) Wow, you'll be able to help even more now that you have two hands.  
Tony: Errr. yeah right. (He glances at Man 1 who is pacing by the window. Tony goes over to him) You should move the hostages into a room with no windows. The police can't shoot at you then.  
Man 1: Hey good idea. Thanks. YOU HEARD KURT! MOVE INTO THAT ROOM! (Points to the manager's office. All the hostages enter the office. Except Chuck who is dragged by Tony)  
Tony: Second time I've dragged this idiot.  
Man 1: What?  
Tony: I said, stay in here and wait for the cops to phone you. I'm gonna check on... the vault. (Tony heads to the vault,  
closing the office door. He walks up to Man 3 and knocks him out) Hehehe. (He drags him behind the potted cactus. He pauses.  
Then arranges the men so they hug each other) Teeheehee.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Gael and Chappelle are talking)

Gael: I wake up, and my thing is glued to a fricking street light. I'm bollock naked with .  
Chappelle: (Finishing his sentence) a goat handcuffed to your ankle. Same thing happened to me, 3 months ago.  
Gael: Oh, bachelor party, was it?  
Chappelle: Nope, baby shower.  
Gael: (Stares for a minute, then walks off, pretending to see someone he knows) Bill, that you dude?  
Chappelle: (To Himself) One quick slice and it's over, Ryan. No-one'll miss you.

(Chase stumbles over)

Chase: You. (Points at Chappelle) YOU ARE A SONUVABITCH! (Grabs Chappelle by his tie) NOW KEGSTAND, YOU SCRAWNY LITTLE FUCKER.

(Chase leads Chappelle into the keg room passing Jack on the way)

Jack: Hey Chase, Ryan.  
Chappelle: Kill me.  
Jack: What?  
Chappelle: Nothing.

(Jack shrugs and heads to the buffet table)

Jack: Oooh, dip.  
Kim: Hi daddy.  
Jack: Oh hi sweety. Having fun?  
Kim: Not really. Some guy tried hitting on me.  
Jack: WHAT! Where is he? You want me to torture him?  
Kim: Nah. I kicked in the balls like you said to do when I was scared.  
Jack: That's my girl.  
Kim: Have you seen Tony? Michelle wants him.  
Jack: He went out for ice. He should be back by now... Wonder what he's up to?

-  
Inside the bank.  
-----

Tony: Three down one to go.

-  
Outside the bank the cops have arrived.  
-----

(One has a megaphone)

Cop 1: You are surrounded. Give up now.

-  
Inside the bank.  
-----

(Man 1 and Tony hear the cop)

Man 1: Oh bollocks, the fuzz. We gen be fooking dun for.  
Tony: Are you British?  
Man 1: No, sorry. I sometimes talk like that when I get nervous.  
Tony: Well, don't.  
Man 1: Sorry. But what do we do about them. (Indicates the cops)  
Tony: They look like they'll kill us if we try anything. Better give ourselves up.  
Man 1: I AIN'T GOING TO JAIL.  
Tony: (Sighs) Fine. I hate for it to come to this. (Knocks out Man 1) There.

(Tony goes over to the doors, and opens them. He shouts to the police officers)

Tony: FEDERAL AGENT! (Shows them his badge) THERE'S 3 HOSTILES DOWN. ALL HOSTAGES ARE SAFE AND SECURE.  
Cop 1: Put down your weapon!  
Cop 2: Errr sir, it's a federal badge. That man has stopped the hostiles.  
Cop 1: Oh. Then good work Sir. We will take it from here.

(Tony walks back in to find Chuck who is still unconscious)

Tony: Goddammit. (He shakes Chuck) Wake up doofus. (He finds a water dispenser and pours water over Chuck. It doesn't wake him) Ahh well, at least it was funny. Guess I'll have to leave him here. (He leaves the bank) Now to find some more ice.

(The cops are putting the would-be robbers into a van)

Man 2: It was going so well.  
Man 1: We would have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.  
Man 2: What kids?  
Man 1: Those ones. (Indicates Jay and Silent Bob who are rolling joints)  
Jay: What the fuck did we do? (Silent Bob shrugs)  
Man 2: Your an idiot. It was all that guys fault. (He shouts at Tony) YOU BASTARD!  
Tony: YEAH, BACK AT YA, YA FUCKER!  
Jay: YEAH! (To Tony) We had your fucking back, didn't we, Silent Bob?  
Tony: No, you didn't. You were out here, rolling joints.  
Jay: Well, fuck you, motherfucker. C'mon, Silent Bob. We got us a party to get too. Maybe we'll get us some pussy. I'm going first, ya tubby bitch, remember that.

(Jay and Bob walk off)

Tony: (Looks at his watch.) I gotta get ice. (Stops a jogger running by) Hey, you. Where's the nearest convenience store?  
Jogger: That's down by the beach, dude.  
Tony: Down there? (Points)  
Jogger: Yeah. Can I go now?  
Tony: Sure, go ahead.  
Jogger: Cool.

(Jogger runs off. Chuck exits from the bank)

Chuck: So where we off now, my friend?  
Tony: TO THE BEACH!  
Chuck: Aaaawww, I don't have suncream or anything.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chloe and Michelle are talking about Jack)

Michelle: You think Jack should try and date more people?  
Chloe: Maybe. It has been a while since Teri's death.  
Michelle: Yeah. Plus he... (Jack heads over) killed his dog with a spanner and... (Jack walks away) needs a woman to look after him.  
Chloe: He's got Kim.  
Michelle: She's not helpful at all.

(Kim walks over)

Kim: Hi. Have you seen a man called Jack Daniels. My dad said to get him.  
Michelle: No. I haven't. Go ask Gael. (Kim walks away) See?  
Chloe: Good point.

(Over at the bar Chappelle is drinking some water. Jack comes over)

Jack: You look terrible Ryan. Where are your pants?  
Chappelle: I don't know. I blacked out after the keg. I came here to wash the taste of salt from my mouth. You know what they did to me?  
Jack: No, and I don't want to know either.

(Jack walks away. Kim comes over)

Chappelle: Hey, Kim! S'going on? So you're what, 18 now, right?  
Kim: I'm 21.  
Chappelle: Oh, so you can totally buy booze, right?  
Kim: I'm not buying you alcamahol, Ryan.  
Chappelle: You talking back, bitch? (Goes to slap Kim, but his hand is caught by Chase)  
Chase: I think you need another kegstand!  
Chappelle: (Crying) Please, no. Not the keg. It still hurts from last time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Chase punches Chappelle. Everyone applauds)

Chase: Whiny sumbitch. (Takes a bow)

-  
Convenience Store by the Beach.  
-----

(Tony and Chuck approach the store. Tony turns to Chuck)

Tony: You wait outside. And don't do anything.  
Chuck: (Not paying attention, looking at the beach) Oooh, a land whale.  
Tony: (Turns to look, then looks back) That's a fat lady.  
Chuck: Sorry (Looks at the beach again.) Ooooh, a land whale.  
Tony: (Looks, then turns back again) That's the same fat lady.  
Chuck: Dangit. (Takes another look at the beach) Oooh, a land whale.  
Tony: If it's the fat lady again, so help you god.

(Tony turns toward the beach and sure enough, a whale is beached on the land)

Chuck: Aaaaaw, it wants a tan.  
Tony: Whales don't tan moron.

(Over by the whale a small group of people have gathered)

Concerned Man: Is it alive?  
Concerned Woman: I think so. (She pokes the whale with a stick and the whale blows air from it's blowhole) Seems to be.  
Elderly Man: We should push it back into the sea. (A frisbee smacks the old man to the ground. A group of kids further up the beach laugh at him)  
Kids: HAHA! It made a 'frunk' sound.  
Elderly Man: Damn kids.

(Tony and Chuck are arguing)

Chuck: We should help the whale.  
Tony: But I need to get back to my party, they need ice.  
Chuck: Why do they need dice?  
Tony: I said- (He sighs) Never mind. Let's go help the damn whale.  
Chuck: Yay! (He runs over towards the whale)  
Tony: Stupid whale shouldn't get stuck on the damn beach.

(Chuck is talking to the now large group of people surrounding the whale)

Chuck: I suggest we all put our backs into it, except you sir, (He looks at the elderly man) your back creaked when you picked up that frisbee. So, hop to it.

(Tony made a pattern in the sand with a stick)

Chuck: You going to help?  
Tony: I drew a skull.  
Chuck: That's not a skull. It looks like a bunny.  
Tony: Errr... You have to squint and turn your head a bit.  
Chuck: If I squint and turn my head it looks like a duck.  
Tony: Shut up. So what are we doing about this whale?  
Chuck: We are gonna try and push it back in.  
Tony: You know that it weighs like 900 pounds, right?  
Chuck: Is that heavy?  
Tony: Uh... (Dances around and hits Chuck on the head) ...yes.  
Chuck: Oh. There was no need for the dance, you know.  
Tony: I know. Now let's just help this gentle mammal giant of the sea.  
Chuck: Dude, you are like, Yoda smart.  
Concerned Man: Shut up and push. Idiots.

(They all get behind the whale and start to push it toward the ocean)

Chuck: Uh, pssst, Tone. My hands gone in.  
Tony: What?  
Chuck: It's inside.  
Tony: In it's (Indicates)...rear?  
Chuck: Yes... I'm scared.  
Tony: You'll be fine, just pull.

(Chuck pulls his arm out with a pop)

Chuck: Goddammit, my wife gave me that watch.

-  
CTU Bathroom.  
----

(Chappelle is unconcious face down in a toilet cubicle. The door to the bathroom is opened)

Michelle: He's about 13 inches, maybe more.  
Kim: Disturbing to know. Thanks a lot. (Pause) How big's Tony then?  
Michelle: What?  
Kim: How- (Chase bursts in)  
Chase: Hey, come and see Jack limbo.  
Michelle: Ooooh.

(They leave the toilets and hear people chanting 'Jack! Jack! Jack!'. They enter the main floor and Jack is limboing under a 3 foot high bar)

Michelle: Go Jack!  
Kim: His record is 2.5 feet.

(Jack lowers the bar to 2.4 feet. He attempts to limbo under it and falls on the floor)

Jack: Awwwwww crap.  
Kim: Still trying for that 2.4 eh dad.  
Jack: Yeah. That injury I got in 'Nam doesn't help.  
Gael: Wait... You weren't in 'Nam.  
Jack: No, but I fell off of my roof when it was going on.  
Gael: Oh right. Hahaha!  
Jack: Shut it.  
Gael: I remember what I was doing back then. It was a Sunday and I had these firecrackers and a turnip right. So I went into this outhouse and.  
Chloe: Jeez, shut up already. (Everyone applauds) Thanks. I'd like to thank my mum, though she couldn't make it tonight. My boss for letting me be reassigned here.  
Chase: Hey look everyone, It's Ryan!

-  
The Beach.  
-----

(The group of people have almost pushed the whale to the water)

Tony: This is surprisingly easy.  
Man 1: I think it's a 'WHEEL' whale.

(Everybody laughs)

Tony: Maybe it's anorexic, and lighter than usual whales.

(Nobody laughs. Even the whale lets out a slight disapproving groan)

Tony: Well, you're all a bunch of no humor stiffs, aren't ya.  
Woman 1: Shut up and push.

(They make the final push and get the whale into the water)

Man 2: SWIM AWAY, GENTLE GOD OF THE OCEAN. NET TIME, WE'LL BRING YOU MORE VIRGINS!  
Tony: Virgins?  
Woman 2: This happens every year. The whale comes ashore and we feed him virgins to save our houses from floods and the like.  
Chuck: Hmmmmmm, intriguing.  
Tony: That's horrible. And this happens every year?  
Man 1: Well, there are large gaps between each shore-coming, but we're sure thats what it wants.  
Tony: Whatever. Is the store over there still open?  
Woman 1: Oh. that place shut hours ago.  
Tony: Are there any convenience stores open around here?  
Man 3: There be no store for nigh on 2 miles, you should know.  
Chuck: Ah, sorry to trouble you, sirs and ladysirs. Let's get to that party, Tony?  
Man 1: Party?  
Tony: Errr... there's no party. He's delusional, I haven't given him his medicine yet. (He pushes Chuck away) Let's go.

(They start heading back to CTU. Tony is angry and depressed)

Tony: Well, this trip was for nothing.  
Chuck: But you saved my life and helped that whale.  
Tony: As I said, for nothing.  
Chuck: Well aren't you Mr. Grouchy?  
Tony: I came out for ice and lost it twice. Hehe that rhymes.  
Chuck: We can still get some ice from somewhere. There must be a store open still?  
Tony: Maybe. I can't be bothered to go out of my way to find a store now. I'm beat.  
Chuck: Well, that's understandable, what with your fight and all that running and all.  
Tony: Yeah. It makes me want to become a field agent again.  
Chuck: Why don't you?  
Tony: 'Cos the pay sucks ass, that's why. Plus I like to boss people about.  
Chuck: I wish I could do that. Someday I want to become a great leader.  
Tony: (To himself) The clutz couldn't lead a dog.  
Chuck: Hmmmm?  
Tony: Nothing.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack is riding the donkey around the main floor)

Jack: WOOOOOOOOO! GO ON, DONKEY. EAT THAT FILE!  
Kim: Dad, stop riding the donkey, please. You're embarrassing me.  
Jack: SHUP NOW WITH YOUR WHINING. (Gets off the donkey) Give it a go. (Hands Kim the reins)

(Kim shrugs and gets on the donkey)

Kim: Heyyy, this is fun. C'mon donkey, go to Chappelle. Go on.

(Donkey walks over to Chappelle, who is passed out on a desk, with writing all over him. The donkey starts nuzzling his crotch)

Chappelle: (While asleep) Right there, Kim. Yes, lick it. Go on. Ooooh, using tongue are you? (Opens his eyes and see's the donkey) JESUS!  
Kim: You're a real perv, Mr Chappelle.

(Michelle comes over)

Michelle: Second.  
Chappelle: Ladies... Can't we talk this out over some cheesecake and wine?  
Chase: HEY GUYS, CHAPPELLE HAS WINE! (Chase's friends pick him Chappelle and carry him away chanting 'WINE! WINE! WINE)  
Chappelle: (As he rounds a corner) I hate you Chase.  
Chase: I got rid of that idiot for you ladies. (The crowd cheers) Well thanks. Is there anything else I can do for you?  
Michelle: As a matter of fact there is... We need some ice. Tony hasn't come back from his trip to the shop yet.  
Jack: I'm beginning to worry about Tony. He's not the kind of guy to get lost going to a store. Maybe I should phone him...

(Jack takes out his phone and dials Tony's number. A ringing is heard from somewhere)

Kim: You hear that?  
Gael: It's Tony's ringtone. I recognize it from when he and I went to China. We were.  
Jack: Shhhhhh. Everyone, find that phone.

(All the party members wander about looking for the phone. The donkey is chewing on Michelle's keyboard)

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

Chuck: Maybe you should call CTU and explain where you are. They must be worried about you.  
Tony: Can't.  
Chuck: Why not?  
Tony: Left my phone on Michelle's desk.  
Chuck: Ahhh.

-  
CTU.  
-----

Kim: I think I've found it. (She was standing by the Donkey)  
Jack: Where?  
Kim: Inside him. (Points to the donkey. Jack listens to the donkey and hears the ringtone)  
Jack: Great.  
Chase: Did you find the phone?  
Kim: Donkey ate it.  
Jack: Bad Donkey. VERY BAD DONKEY.  
Michelle: How we gonna get Tony's phone back?  
Jack: I'm gonna have to go in and get it. SOMEONE PREP THIS DONKEY IN MEDICAL, STAT!  
Michelle: On it, Jack.  
Kim: How are you going to get the phone back? Surgery?  
Jack: (Sarcastically) No, I'm gonna let the donkey swallow me and retrieve it.  
Kim: But, you'll burn up in the stomach acids.  
Jack: (Sighs) Sarcasm is wasted on you, isn't it.

(Chappelle stumbles over)

Chappelle: YOU! (Points at Kim) YOU'VE TURNED ME DOWN FOR THE LAST TIME! BITCH!

(Jack punches Chappelle and drags him toward a window. He throws Chappelle through it)

Jack: God forgive me.  
Chappelle: I'll have you fired for that, Bauer.  
Jack: Jeez, it's not like I shot you in the head, lighten up.  
Chappelle: Sorry, it's been a long day.  
Jack: You should try one of MY long days. See how you like that.  
Chappelle: Hell no. I'm useless under pressure.  
Kim: Your useless anyway. (The crowd cheers)  
Chappelle: Even the crowd hates hates me. I'm gonna leave now. SCREW YOU ALL! (He hangs his head and walks away)  
Chase: Now we need a new keg man. (He looks at Jack, who just stares at him. Chase looks away) GAEL! Up for some kegging?

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Chuck and Tony have bought some alcohol and are starting to feel it's effects)

Chuck: How far do you think I can go Tone? Honestly now?  
Tony: (Trying to make Chuck feel better) The Presidency. You can go all the way man.  
Chuck: You sure?  
Tony: Yerp.  
Chuck: Sweeeet. I'm gonna try for that then.  
Tony: (Sarcastically) Good luck.

(They turn into an alleyway and walk onwards. Two bums approach them having smelt their alcohol)

Bum 1: Sparesumbooz?  
Chuck: Errrr... What?  
Bum 1: Sparesumbooz?  
Chuck: Sorry, I don't speak spanish.  
Tony: He wants some of our beers.  
Chuck: Tell him to fuck off, then. This here (points to bottle) is my beer.  
Tony: He looks angry, better give him a sip.  
Chuck: Aaaaaaww. (Hands bottle to tramp who takes a huge swig) Hey, hey, hey not so much, Mr Gulppy.  
Bum 2: Sorry about my malcontent friend here. He's been living 'Sans Domicile' for quite some time.  
Tony: You speak very clearly for a tramp.  
Bum 2: I'm an actor, actually. I'm researching a part.  
Chuck: What films you been in?  
Bum 2: Oh, many movies. The Lost Boys, The Goonies, Stand By Me. All the hits.  
Tony: Wait a minute ... Are you Corey Feldman?  
Bum 2: (Suspiciously) That successful Hollywood big-shot? No.  
Chuck: No, you are Corey Feldman.  
Corey Feldman: (Breaking character) Just shut up. If the press hear I'm living on the streets, I'll be slaughtered in the tabloids. My career will be ruined.  
Tony: You're homeless. How much worse can your career get?  
Chuck: He has a point.  
Corey Feldman: Sadly that is true. (Bum 1 mumbles something) Oh right.  
Tony: What did he say?  
Corey Feldman: There is a fire we need to get to a few alleys down. Should keep us warm for a while. (He starts to walk away)  
Let's go Pete. (The other tramp follows)  
Bum 1: Thanxforbooz.  
Tony: Your welcome. (He and Chuck continue their journey) No-one will believe me when I say I've met Corey Feldman.  
Chuck: I'll believe you.  
Tony: You were there with me.  
Chuck: Oh yeah. (They walk on in silence for a bit) Remember that time we met Corey Feldman.  
Tony: That was a few minutes ago.  
Chuck: Oh yeah. That was cool.  
Tony: We need more drinks.

-  
CTU.  
-----

Michelle: Who's idea was this.  
Kim: Chase's I think.  
Chloe: He did this sort of thing back in DC.  
Gael: I like it.

(All three women look at him)

Kim: What? No story?  
Gael: Well, no-one listens anyway.

(They all go back to watching Jack who is on a makeshift stage singing along to Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing')

Jack: (Finishing off the song) Don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah. I don't wanna miss a thing.  
(Stops singing) Thank you.

(Unenthusiastic applause. Chase jumps on stage)

Chase: That was Jack Bauer with his startling rendition of 'Don't wanna miss a thing' by Aerosmith. Next up is... Chappelle,  
with 'Lonely' by Akon.

(Audience boos. Chappelle stumbles on stage)

Chappelle: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU. LISTEN TO MY PAIN! (Begins to sing. Off-key) Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,  
I have nobody,  
For my owwnnn I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely I have nobody,  
For my owwnnn I'm so lonely.  
Man: (Interuppting) GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE, YA DRUNK BITCH!  
Kim: YEAH!  
Audience: (Chanting) GET OFF THE STAGE GET OFF THE STAGE GET OFF THE STAGE GET OFF THE STAGE.  
Chappelle: FINE! BUT I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALL WITH A REMINDER! (Pulls down his trousers and underwear, showing the entire audience his one ball) HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW! (Passes out)

(A stunned and sickened silence fills the room. Chase slowly climbs onto the stage and motions for his friends to take Chappelle away)

Chase: Errrr... Chappelle everyone! (Silence) Okay. Next up is Kim singing 'You Drive Me Crazy' By Britney Spears. She said that this be dedicated to her father.  
Jack: Is this some kind of hidden message?  
Gael: Maybe.

(As Chase's friends walk by with Chappelle Jack whispers to one of them. The guy nods)

Gael: What did you say?  
Jack: You'll see.

-  
Outside CTU.  
-----

(Chase's friends tie Chappelle to a lamppost)

Friend 1: What a dork.  
Friend 2: They really don't like this guy.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Chase and Chloe are arguing)

Chase: You should go up there. You rocked at the DC party.  
Chloe: But I knew all the people there, this is different.

(Kim has finished her song to rapturous applause and comes over)

Chase: Tell her to go up and sing. (He heads off to the stage)  
Kim: Why won't you go up?  
Chloe: 'Cos I get stage fright easily.  
Kim: Well... Just imagine everyone naked. That works for me. I see everyone naked, except my dad, he has all his clothes on,  
more even than he is actually wearing, and I'm not nervous.  
Chloe: Alright. (she heads up to the stage)  
Chase: Welcoming onto the stage Chloe!  
Chloe: Errr.. Hi everyone. (She tries to picture evryone naked, but only the women are) Well that's odd.

-  
LA Streets.  
-----

(Tony and Chuck are stumbling around, drunkenly)

Tony: Sshhh, CTU is just round this corner.  
Chuck: OK.

(They turn the corner)

Chuck: Is that man tied to that streetlamp?  
Tony: I think that's Ryan Chappelle, the guy from District... or Division. I forget which.  
Chuck: Let's punch him. (Runs towards Chappelle)  
Tony: Goddamn stupid bastard. (Runs after Chuck)

(As soon as they get to Ryan, alarms go off all around, with a loud voice)

Voice: STEP AWAY FROM THE SHAMING! STEP AWAY FROM THE SHAMING!

(Chase and some of his friends come out from inside CTU)

Chase: Well, well, well, it's the Iceman. How you doing there, Bobby Drake?  
Tony: What?  
Chase: Bobby Drake ...He's Iceman. (Tony stares) Ain't you never read X-Men?  
Tony: ... Freaking nerd.  
Chase: You got the ice?  
Tony: Nope. And I'm proud of it.  
Chuck: YEAH!  
Chase: Errrr... right. Michelle wants to see you in the lobby.  
Tony: Come on Chuck. (They head inside)  
Chase: SHAMING! SHAMING!

(Inside CTU, Michelle is waiting for Tony)

Michelle: Hi Tony and...friend. God you stink.  
Tony: Yeah we do. This is Chuck. He's helped me today.  
Michelle: Helped you get ice?  
Tony: Errr... about that.  
Michelle: You didn't get any did you.  
Tony: We did... Then we lost it... Twice. Then all the stores were closed.  
Michelle: You're useless you know that.  
Chuck: That's a bit harsh. He beat up this oddly dressed British guy. And saved me from drowning.  
Tony: And we met Corey Feldman.  
Michelle: Yeah right.  
Chuck: No we really did.  
Michelle: (Sarcastically) Hmm right. Of course you did.

(Jack approaches)

Jack: Tony, man, you will not believe this party.  
Tony: And you will not believe what's happened to me since I left earlier.  
Jack: You go first.  
Tony: Well, I left here, went to the store, got the ice, yelled at these two stoner fucks, had the ice stolen, went to the zoo, shot a guy, got ice back, got outsmarted by penguins, lost the ice again, found the ice, got into a fight with some guy who used the word 'scratend', got involved in a bank robbery, helped out a beached whale, met Corey Feldman, then came back here.  
Jack: Well, We had kegstands, and a conga, and Gael kept telling stories that no-one listened to, and a donkey, and Chappelle showed us his ball, and the donkey ate your phone, and there was karaoke, and Chappelle got tied to a streetlight (Notices something) Hey where'd your little friend go?  
Tony: Aww, dammit. (Looks around for Chuck, and sees him talking to Gael)  
Gael: So the 3 of us, me, my mum and this chick off the street, got in my car and... (Is interuppted by Tony)  
Tony: Chuck, get away from him. His stories will only clog your mind.  
Chuck: But he seems amusing.  
Jack: Amusing, yes. Sane, we don't know. Gael... Go and see Chloe and tell her about the time you were with that camel.  
Gael: Ahhhh yeah. That was sweet. (He walks off)  
Jack: So Tone, you said you lost the ice.  
Tony: Yeah. I'm sorry.  
Jack: Don't sweat it. Chase went and got some.  
Tony: What? From where?  
Jack: That ice place round the corner.  
Tony: Since when has that been there?  
Michelle: Since forever jackass. (She storms off angry at Tony)  
Tony: Awww crap. Well, let's go inside.  
Jack: Yeah the party will be ending soon. And I wanna boogie like it's 1999.  
Tony: It's 2003, Jack.  
Jack: Just, shut up, will ya.

(They all walk back onto the main CTU floor and start to dance to 'The Macarena')

-  
Clock.  
-----

Note: The following is not an accurate portrayal of the future of these characters.

(On Screen, over freeze frames of each character)

Tony Almeida: Married Michelle Dessler. They have 7 children. Tony now regrets coming back from his ice adventure.  
Michelle Dessler: Had 7 children. No longer looks as good.  
Gael Ortega: Wrote a book about his adventures and stories. The movie is out this fall.  
Chase Edmunds: Embarked on a career as a stand up comedian. He failed at this and now lives in Tony Almeida's basement.  
Chase's Friends: All killed in 'Gulf War 3: The Reckoning'  
Chloe O'Brian: Moved back to DC and opened a Flower and Tea shop.  
Jay and Bob: Moved to Jersey. Not much is known about their time there.  
Ryan Chappelle: Re-married, then divorced again. Once more forgot to pay alimony. He is now known as Rhian.  
Chuck Logan: Became the head political analyst for Comedy Central.  
Kim Bauer: Got a recording contract and embarked on a singing career. Her father was her bodyguard.  
Jack Bauer: Ruined his daughter's career by killing every male fan who sent her a love letter. Spends his days whittling knives out of Cedar bark. 


	6. Day 3

24: The Parody - Day 3. Written by Daniel Barker and Sam Deere.

Jack: The following takes place around 3 to 4 days after Day 2. About lunchtime.

-----

A Dark Corridor.

-----

(Two flashlights come on from one end of the corridor. The people holding them are not seen. A deep voice begins to speak)

Voice: With the flashlights illuminating our route, we make our way toward the archive room. We have to find the crucial

evidence.

(Tony interrupts. He points his flashlight at Jack)

Tony: WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

Jack: This guy I hired. (Points his flashlight at Unknown man)

Unknown Man: (Waves) Hello.

Tony: (Waves back) Hey. What you hire him for?

Jack: To narrate my life in first person, present tense.

Tony: Why?

Jack: (Shrugs) I'unno.

Tony: Well, could you tell him to be quiet? Don't forget we're not supposed to be here, and people might be looking for us.

Jack: Relax. They will be searching the other half of the building by now.

Tony: And what makes you so sure?

Jack: I placed a little something something around to fool them.

-----

Opposite End Of The Building.

-----

Search Team 1 Leader: Where is that voice coming from?

Team 1 Member: I don't know Sir. But it's driving me nuts.

(Up in the vents a tape recorder is playing Jack's voice on loop)

Jack's Voice: I can see you! I'm over here! No not there idiot.

Team Member 1: I think it's above us. (He peers up)

-----

Another Dark Corridor.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are walking with flashlights too)

Curtis: Man, why do Jack and Tony get all the good missions.

Chase: They are doing the same as us, walking along a dark corridor.

(Some men at the other end of the corridor spot them)

Men: THERE THEY ARE!!

-----

A Dark Corridor.

-----

(A crunching sound emanates from around a corner)

Kim: Uh-oh...

(Edgar comes around the corner eating a stick of celery)

Kim: Jeez Edgar. You scared the hell out of me.

Edgar: But I'm cuddly Edgar. No one is scared of me.

Kim: But, you're like, as round as a planet and are crunching like Godzilla crushing Tokyo.

Edgar: Ahhhh. You're wanted on the main floor.

Kim: By who?

Edgar: Some new administrator guy. I heard he's been away for a while after a near death experience.

Kim: Cool. Be there in a bit. Got something to do here.

Edgar: Righty O. (He leaves)

Kim: And now for the funk. (She does the robot)

-----

CTU Main Floor.

-----

(Edgar walks across the main floor toward his station)

Bill: EDGAR! (He walks over to Edgar's station) Thought about who'll be your best man, yet?

Edgar: Ummm, not really. I was thinking, maybe Jack.

Bill: Oh... I understand. (Bows head and starts to walk away, downheartedly)

Edgar: BILL!

Bill: (Perks up and jogs back to Edgar) Yes?

Edgar: ...Can I order a pizza?

Bill: NO YOU'RE TOO FAT! NOW GET BACK TO WORK! (Turns around, but is stopped from walking away by Chloe) Oh hello Chloe. (She

just stares at him) What do you need? (She continues staring at him. He starts to sweat) What's with the tenth degree Chloe?

(She continues to stare. Bill cracks under the pressure) OKAY!! Edgar, I'm sorry I called you fat.

Edgar: Thank you.

Chloe: That wasn't so hard was it.

Bill: No ma'am. Wait... Why am I deferring to you? I'm the boss. (He walks off mumbling to himself)

Edgar: Thanks sugarbunny.

Chloe: You're welcome my little lovehippo.

(Kim walks over)

Kim: Those names you give each other are sooooo cute! (Edgar and Chloe smile happily) Now where's this admin guy?

Chloe: In Bill's office. He'll be down to see you in a bit.

Kim: You know who it is, Chloe?

Chloe: No-one I recognised. Sounded familiar, though.

Kim: Hmmm.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill enters. He notices that there is someone sitting in his chair)

Bill: Who are you?

(The chair spins around)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill is talking to the man in his office)

Bill: So you survived, got taken to the hospital, had major re-constructive surgery and went into hiding for a couple years?

Man: Yes.

Bill: So why are you back now?

Man: I'm here to see Jack Bauer.

Bill: Why Jack?

Man: He's the one who did this to me. (He is revealed to be a slightly deformed Ryan Chappelle)

Bill: ...Ah. I see. I'll call him back.

-----

LA Hotel.

-----

(President Logan is packing his suitcase)

Logan: Dum dee dum, diddly dum dum.

Secret Service Agent 1: Mike Novick says you should hurry Sir.

Logan: Tell him he's a dillhole.

Secret Service Agent: ...Yes...Sir. (He walks off)

Logan: Hehehe. (He walks to the window) Ahhhh, what a nice view. (A small red dot is seen moving about his shirt, it stops

over his throat) Ooooh a penny! (He bends to pick up the penny as a bullet whizzes through the glass. He stands back

upright and sees the whole) Whoops. I better not tell room service I did that.

(A Secret Service Agent pushes Logan out of the way as another bullet whizzes past)

Logan: What is this? A game of tag? How exciting. (He runs about and tags another agent who is trying to get him out of the

room. Bullets are flying in through the window killing several agents as they attempt to catch Logan) This is sooo much fun.

-----

A Rooftop Opposite Logan's Hotel Room.

-----

Sniper: Stay still you little bastard!

(A click is heard in his gun)

Sniper: Shite. Out of rounds. You win this time Mr. President.

-----

Logan's Room.

-----

(All the Secret Service Agents are dead)

Logan: Ooooh, a game of Play Dead now is it? (He lies down pretending to be dead. Mike Novick enters)

Novick: Oh dear God... Oh, Mr. President. You never even had a chance to be removed from office due to incompetence.

(Logan starts to get up)

Logan: Good game, men. Get up now. (They stay dead) Hmmm. See that, Mike. Total commitment to the game. You stay there then

men.

(Walt Cummings enters)

Cummings: Oh, sir. Thank God.

Logan: Did something happen?

Cummings: There was just an attempt on your life.

Logan: There was?

Cummings: 9 bullet holes in that wall, and half your Secret Service detail dead, and you didn't notice?

Logan: I was busy playing Tag with the men.

Cummings: Ah, Understandable. (Under his breath) I wish you'd play tag with me.

Novick: What was that?

Cummings: Nothing.

(Martha enters)

Martha: (Looks at the mess and destruction of the room) Well, I'm not paying for this. How many Secret Service men are dead?

Novick: Looks to be about 6, maybe 9. More than half, we know that much.

Martha: What about Aaron?

Cummings: Unaccounted for.

(Pierce enters, with a piece of cake on a plate)

Pierce: Cake anyone?

-----

A Dark Corridor.

-----

Jack's Narrator: I now see a room which is marked 'Archive room'. I turn to my fellow agent.

Jack: I think this is the place.

Tony: (Sarcastically) Really. You think?

Jack's Narrator: I think my friend is being a smartass.

Jack: Let's go inside.

Tony: You know, that guys starting to bug me.

(They head inside)

Jack's Narrator: Even though it is midday, the room is still very dark. Shadows dance around the room as we sweep our

flashlights around the stacks of files and cabinets.

Tony: Hey this guy isn't that bad.

Jack: Yeah. Well, spread out and look for the file. It should be headed 'Omicron Finances Oct 2005 to March 2006' or near to

that.

Tony: Gotcha.

Jack's Narrator: We spread out on our wonderous quest for the mythical file.

Tony: Shut the hell up.

-----

Outside Another Archive Room.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are talking to the men that spotted them)

Chase: Well, I hope you get these lights fixed soon. It's hell in this place without lights.

Electrician 1: Yeah. We got scared when we saw a large man walking towards us crunching on something. We thought he might eat

us.

Curtis: He usually has that effect on people. And cows. And trees. Anything on this planet, really.

Electrician 2: We never got your names, by the way. I'm Ed, he's Charley.

Curtis: Curtis.

Chase: Chase.

(They all shake hands)

Charley: What you doing here, then?

Curtis: One of our agents is currently in jail for something he's innocent of. We're here looking for video evidence.

Ed: Want some hot video of the Men's bathroom?

Chase: God, NO.

Charley: People go there to have sex every couple hours. You must know that, Mr. Edmonds. We've seen you, in there, with Mr.

Bauer's daughter.

Curtis: Wait. You mean you watch all the surveillance footage for CTU? All the cameras? Even that one by the dumpsters, round

back?

Ed: Everyone has to pee, Mr. Manning. But you know that you have to pass the bathroom to get to the dumpsters, right?

Curtis: ...Just hurry up and fix the light.

-----

Archive Room 1.

-----

Jack's Narrator: I open the third filing cabinet on the left side of the room. The previous two have conjured up no results.

I think about how Tony is doing. He's looking nice today.

Jack: WHAT?

Tony: WHAT?

Jack's Narrator: Sorry.

Tony: Ooooh, I think I may have something.

Jack: What does it say?

Jack's Narrator: I edge towards Tony. You can cut the tension with a... pair of scissors.

Jack: That's not how- Never mind. Tony?

Tony: It says that the company payments have been made through one of the senior executives. A 'Christopher Henderson'.

Jack: I know that man. He was the one that got me into CTU. Wonder why he would be giving money to my brother?

Tony: Maybe he thinks Eric is you. Like Dave did. Stupid Dave getting thrown in prison.

Jack: Let's take this back to CTU.

Tony: Roger that Red Leader, I've got your six.

Jack: Roger. Over and out. (Jack makes plane noises as he and Tony pretend to fly out of the archive room)

-----

LA Prison.

-----

(Dave is in the showers. He is humming)

Dave: Mmm mm mmmmmm. Doobie doobie doo. Oh hey Clarence. (A heavy set man walks in)

Clarence: Yo Dave. (He starts to wash and drops his soap. He looks at Dave, who sighs and bends over to pick it up and is

whipped with a towel from behind)

Dave: OWWWW!! Goddammit Will.

Will: Sorry, man. Old habit from my old prison.

Dave: What prison were you in?

Will: OZ!

Dave: Oh. Hey, did you meet my old neighbour, Vernon, something or other while you were there?

Will: Ummmm, I don't like to talk about it.

Dave: I understand.

-----

Logan's Hotel Room.

-----

(Logan, Martha and Cummings are lying on the bed)

Logan: Can you excuse us, we need some alone time. The attempt on my life made me realise what's important.

Cummings: Yes, MARTHA! Leave us alone, please. (Doesn't pause for a second. Turns to Logan) I knew you'd come around,

Charles.

Logan: I was talking to you, Whitford. I want to be alone with my wife.

Cummings: My name's Walt. (Gets up to leave. Before he goes, he whispers in Martha's ear) He'll be mine soon... (Exits)

Martha: I think that man is against you Charles? he seemed angry.

Logan: What Wilfred?... No, maybe it's because alot of his friends are dead. I may need to lay low for a while Martha. I need

someone to protect me, someone that's loyal and always there for me...

(They think for a while)

Martha: What about Pierce?

Logan: Ahhhh yes. AGENT PIERCE!!

(Pierce bursts into the room gun drawn)

Pierce: TOUCH THE PRESIDENT AND DIE!!

Logan: Agent Pierce, my wife and I were just saying that I need someone loyal and reliable to help protect me today. (Pierce

beams) Can you think of anyone?

Pierce: I... Errrm... But I... (Sighs) What about Jack Bauer Sir?

Logan: Ahhh yes. Splendid. Fetch him at once Aaron.

Pierce: Yes Sir. (He leaves)

Logan: Good agent is Pierce.

Martha: Yes he is...

(Mike walks in and sits down on the bed and hands them ice cream cones)

Logan: Ooooooh chockchip.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Kim has finally got around to going to Bill's office. She opens the door)

Kim: Right! Where's this administrator guy who wanted to see me?

(Chappelle spins Bill's chair around for Kim to see)

Chappelle: Here I am!

Kim: Chappelle? But didn't you die when my dad shot you?

Chappelle: I survived as I was able to call myself an ambulance before lapsing into unconciousness. For 3 years I HAVE

STRUGGLED TO BECOME HEALTHY ENOUGH TO RETURN TO WORK! Have you seen your father today? I wish to speak with him.

Kim: He and Tony are on their way back from the field right now. They should be back here in about 3 minutes and 43 seconds.

Chappelle: Good. Billy boy, I'll have a scotch whilst I wait.

(Bill pours Chappelle a scotch)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

CTU Parking Lot.

-----

Jack's Narrator: I pulled my SUV into my designated parking space. I turn to Tony and say...

Jack: He's starting to annoy me too.

Jack's Narrator: I know he heard that. I park the car and get out. I check my phone.

(Jack takes his cellphone from his pocket and checks it)

Jack: Weird.

Tony: Wassat?

Jack: I have 5 missed calls. I wonder why I missed 'em?

Tony: Bad signal? Low battery? Out of range?

Jack: No, they've not stopped it receiving calls before. Something bad may be about to go down.

(Tony's cellphone rings. He answers)

Tony: Yah? I'll be home around 7..Yes, I'll bring dip..Salsa, not guacamole..and some cheetos..Anything else?..Ok then, bye

honey. (Hangs up)

Jack: Michelle?

Tony: Yeah. Stupid pregnancy cravings. Costing me money.

(Tony's cellphone rings again. He answers)

Tony: Tone-phone?..Jack?..What about?..OK.. It's Kim (Hands phone to Jack)

Jack: Hi honey. What is it... Chappelle?!... Okay, we'll be right there... Hmmmmm, I'll have a whiskey.

Tony: I'll have a Martini, shaken, not stirred.

Jack's Narrator: I could tell he'd been practicing his Connery Bond impression.

Jack: Tony will have a soda. (He hangs up)

Tony: Hey!

Jack: Hehehe. No booze for alchy.

Tony: I'm over that time now Jack. I have a pregnant wife and- Oh I couldn't keep that up. Michelle drives me crazy with 'get

me this, get me that'. The alcohol calms me.

Jack: Riiiiiiight. Let's go inside.

-----

CTU Main Floor.

-----

(Edgar is watching the news)

Newsreporter: Here is a statement from the President himself. (The shot cuts to Logan inside another hotel room)

Logan: There were bullets everywhere. Many of my secret service detail are dead, they gave their lives to protect me. And

they will be honoured for their bravery.

Newsreporter: It seems that the President is fine and I am told that he is seeking outside help to protect him.

Edgar: Outside help? Oooooh maybe it's The A-Team.

Chloe: Oh God, you've been obsessing about that show all day.

Edgar: It's a good show, honeybun, you just never give it a chance.

(Jack enters and overhears)

Jack's Narrator: I walk over to Chloe and Edgar. I think about how Edgar shouldn't be wearing that vest.

Edgar: HEY! That's not nice.

Jack: Ignore him. What has Chloe never given a chance to?

Edgar: The A-Team!

Jack: Next to MacGyver, best show ever.

(Tony comes over)

Tony: Wassat?

Jack: A Team. Best show ever?

Tony: After MacGyver, yeah.

Jack: I'll lend you the dvds, Chloe, you can revel in the awesome of Murdock and BA.

Edgar: (Mr T impression) I PITY THE FOOL WHO DON'T LIKE THE A-TEAM.

Tony: Don't do that.

Edgar: Sorry.

Tony: Better be. C'mon Jack, Chappelle is waiting for us.

Jack: What if he only wants to see me?

Tony: I don't care. You shoot a guy gangland style, back of the head and he lives to talk about it? I gotta be there.

Jack: Fine, After you.

(They make their way to Bill's office)

Jack's Narrator: As I walk across the main CTU floor, I think about the day I shot Chappelle.

Tony: What you thinking Jack?

Jack: (Pause) How many bananas you think my SUV could hold?

Tony: Hmmmmmmm ...'bout 20?

Jack: What kind of giant bananas are you thinking about.

Tony: I don't know. Maybe ones made for Edgar.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill and Chappelle are arguing)

Bill: It has to be Peter Weller. He was the original and the best.

Chappelle: But Robert Burke revived Robocop after Weller left.

Bill: But Robocop 3 was too much for kids- (Jack & Tony enter) Ahhhh there you are.

Jack's Narrator: I could see Ryan staring at me with his deformed face. God it was ugly. I wondered where my drink was.

(Kim hands Jack his whiskey and Tony his soda)

Tony: Oh great Diet. Just what I need.

Jack: So why did you call me in here Ryan?

Chapelle: To tell you I was okay. And that I may have information on your brother.

Jack: Ooooh. Tell us.

Tony: (Sarcastically) Yeah tell us. Before we die of anticipation.

(Bill's red phone rings)

Bill: It's the President.

Tony: Ah sweet! You have a red phone like in Batman!

Bill: Yeah. Now shhhh. (He picks up the phone) Uh-huh. Okay Sir. (He puts the call on speaker) You can talk to Jack Bauer

now Sir.

Logan: (On Speakerphone) Howdy ho Jack.

Jack: Eyyyyyyyyyyyy Mr. President. How are you?

Logan: (On Speakerphone) Well someone did try to kill me earlier today, so I'm a bit depressed.

Jack: Wow. The President has had more chances to die today than me. What gives?

(Tony shoots his gun past Jack's head)

Jack: WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Tony: Now you and him are even.

Logan: (On Speakerphone) There were more than 10 bullets fired at me.

(Tony goes to shoot again)

Bill: Don't. Or you will be sent home early to Michelle. (Tony puts his gun down)

Tony: Goddammit.

Logan: (On Speakerphone) Anyhoo, I want Jack to come and protect me until I am on Air Force One later today. It'll only be a

couple of hours.

Bill: What do you say, Jack?

Jack: But I have to look for evidence to clear Dave's name, plus I have that cheese rolling thing later on today.

Bill: Chase and Curtis can look for that evidence.

Tony: We also found a connection to Christopher Henderson that we think should be followed up. I'm willing to go it alone, if

Jack has to babysit the president.

Bill: You're going too, Tony.

Tony: WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY?

Bill: You guys are our 2 top agents. President Logan must be in the safest hands possible.

Tony: Allstate Insurance. I saw one of their adverts last night. I swear to God, I saw President Palmer.

Jack: Is he still here in LA?

Chappelle: He's flying out with Logan later on today. He's got a television appearance in Washington on friday.

Jack: I'll go then. I need his advice on my golf swing.

Tony: (Matter of factly) Hold the club.

Jack: (Sarcastically) God, you're so helpful.

(Jack and Tony start bickering)

Jack's Narrator: I don't like it when me and Tony bicker like this. Like an old married couple over who's turn it is to use

the teeth first at a restaurant. DAMN, Kim is hot. I wonder what she's wearing under those clothes.

(Jack stops arguing with Tony and punches his narrator. Chappelle, Bill, Tony and President Logan all clap)

Jack: Thanks. Wait... How did you know what I had done Mr. President?

Logan: (On Speakerphone) Hmm?? Wha??

Jack: Never mind. Sir, Tony and I will be out soon to protect you.

Logan: (On Speakerphone) Very good. I will send Agent Pierce out to meet you in the lobby. I shall send him incognito.

Jack: Riiiiight.

Bill: Goodbye Sir. (He hangs up) Well, Chase and Curtis can find the evidence to clear Dave's name. (A call is put through

to Bill. He puts it on speaker)

Chase: (On Speaker) Hey Bill, I have information about Dave.

Bill: I didn't send you to get that.

Curtis: (On Speaker) We got bored man. Watching Edgar eat rice cakes all day was driving me nuts.

Tony: Oooooh rice cakes.

Chase: (On Speaker) Yeah, he put, like, 5 in there at once.

Bill: Sweet Jesus.

Chappelle: That's alot. When I was in hospital I was given nutrition through tubes.

Kim: Ooooh like a straw?

Tony: No. That means Chase and Curtis can follow the Henderson lead then.

Curtis: (On Speaker) We get to tail some dude? Sweet gig man. (A high five is heard)

Bill: Get back here and we can brief you.

Chase: (On Speaker) Right. Over and out. (He hangs up)

Bill: Jack and Tony, off you go.

Tony: Fine, but if I get called away, I'm going.

Bill: Yeah, yeah.

(Jack and Tony leave)

Bill: Get back to work, Kim.

Kim: (Mumbling to herself as she leaves) Old bastard, hanging with some deformed freak. I bet his girl-friend is cheating on

him.

Bill: I HEARD THAT!

(Pause)

Chappelle: You got a girlfriend?

Bill: I have a female acquaintance, yes. She works for the Department of Homeland Security.

Chappelle: (Gets up to make himself another scotch) She hot?

Bill: STFU!

-----

Beach Hut

-----

(Eric Bauer is drinking from a coconut. His cellphone rings)

Eric: Yello?...What do you mean it failed?...You missed how many times?...You said you were a crackshot!...You said you

learned your skills on Duck Hunt!...I'll be leaving for LA in a quarter of an hour...Meet me at the office...I'll have

someone come pick you up. (Hangs up)

(A waitress walks by)

Waitress: Would you like another drink Mr. Williams?

Eric: Yes please. Can you make it a double? I have had some bad news.

Waitress: Really?

Eric: Yes. An associate of mine is rather useless. I may have to fire him. Literally.

-----

CTU Garage.

-----

(Jack and Tony are wandering out to Jack's SUV)

Jack: Awwwwww sonofa-

(Someone has scratched a key across the side of the vehicle)

Tony: Now that's just mean, funny though... Hey, it says 'Weiner'. Nice.

Jack: I bet it was Chase.

Tony: Ahhhh, payback for when you superglued him and Curtis together.

Jack: (Laughing) Yeah. That was great. (He sighs) Not much I can do about it now. Let's go.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Gary is photocopying some files. He gazes around the room and spots Martouf talking frantically into a cellphone. Martouf

spots him gazing and disappears around a corner)

Gary: Well that's odd. (He walks over to Edgar) What's with that Martouf guy? He's always on that phone of his.

Edgar: I think he is helping Chloe sort out the wedding.

Gary: Ahhhh right. I see. I still think he is a bit dodgy.

Edgar: But he threw a hell of a birthday party though.

Gary: Yeah, what with all those dolphins and such. Uh-oh, Bill. Better get back to work.

(Gary walks off and Bill walks over to Edgar)

Bill: Edgar, Did you ask Jack to be your best man?

Edgar: No. I've been thinking, and I don't think I want him to be my best man anymore. I was thinking of...

Bill: Me?

Edgar: No, Dave. I'm hopeful he'll be out of prison by then. What with Chase and Curtis getting that information and stuff.

Bill: We don't know what the information is. We'll have to wait until they get back here with it.

(Bill walks away. Chloe comes over)

Chloe: Edgar. Your sister hasn't RSVP'd for the wedding yet.

Edgar: Yeah, she ain't coming.

Chloe: Why?

Edgar: Cos, last time you saw her, you said she looked fat.

Chloe: She was 8 and a 1/2 months pregnant, I'm not gonna say she looks thin, am I?

Edgar: 'You look radiant', or 'You're positively glowing'. You couldn't have said either of them?

Chloe: No.

Edgar: Whatever. You get that film for tonight?

Chloe: Yeah. What's '9 Songs' about, anyway?

Edgar: Umm, it's like porn, with an alternative rock style soundtrack.

Chloe: Sweet. At least it's not 'The A-Team'.

Edgar: Yeah. I wouldn't force you to watch that. Not till you wanted to anyway.

(Chloe walks off and Edgar quickly opens his station drawer to reveal the entire A-Team series on dvd. He strokes them)

Edgar: Soon, my prettys. Soon, she will be ready.

Kim: Who will be? And for what?

(Edgar hurridly closes the drawer)

Edgar: Could you be any more annoying?

Kim: Yes.

Edgar: (Looking confused) Oh. Okay... Well I was talking about Chloe and... the wedding, yeah that's right, the wedding.

Kim: Awwwwww, that's so cute. By the way Chloe asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Edgar: Good for you.

Kim: Yeah. I think I'd look great in a bridesmaids outfit.

Edgar: (Picturing it) Yeah.

(Bill passes by)

Bill: Kim do you ever do any work around here?

Kim: I'm here to work? Wasn't I here to be stared at?

Bill: Urgh. Never mind.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are waiting for Bill. They are both playing on PSPs)

Chase: Die bitch!

Curtis: HA! You're rocket pwned that car.

Chase: Man this rocks.

Curtis: Yeah. Don't play against Jack though.

Chase: Why's that?

Curtis: He never seems to get hurt. I swear my bullets never hit him.

Chase: It seems like the real life Jack. I swear it's like he's in a tv show or something. Like he's invincible.

(Bill enters)

Curtis: IT'S THE B-MAN. (Beatboxes. Bill does The Robot to his desk)

Chase: ... How come he can do The Robot around you, but I can't?

Curtis: 'Cos you touch urself at night.

Chase: No, I touch Kim at night. (His cellphone rings. He answers) Yup?.. WHOA, JACK, CALM DOWN! I did not say that..Did not.

.Fine, I did, happy now..You're never happy?..Figures..See ya, Jack. (Hangs up) Is Jack psychic?

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Jack's Narrator: We're driving down the street in my SUV. There is an uneasy silence as I drive toward Logan's hotel. Maybe

because I chastised Chase on the phone 3 minutes and 45 seconds ago. Maybe it's 'cos I admitted I was never happy. Maybe it's

'cos I just farted, and I know Tony can smell it.

(Tony finally snaps. He takes his gun and points it at Narrator)

Tony: I'M SICK OF YOU! SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEFORE I SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP! ONE MORE WORD AND I SHOOT YOUR BRAINS OUT. (Shakes

gun for emphasis) ONE MORE WORD.

(Shakes gun again. The gun goes off. Jack pulls over to the side of the road)

Jack: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Tony: I just shot Narrator.

Jack: How?

Tony: My gun just went off.

Jack: Didn't you have the safety on?

Tony: I never put the safety on.

Jack: What we gonna do? We can't drive around with narrator brains splattered against the back window.

Tony: We could go see The Wolf, he'd sort this out.

Jack: Fuck him. He creeps me out. He's so meticulous.

Tony: Lake dump?

Jack: ...Lake dump.

Tony: Where is the nearest lake?

Jack: Errrrm... About 25 minutes from here.

Tony: Damn, I don't s'pose we can detour that far... What about dumping him in those bushes?

Jack: Fine. (He gets out and goes to the back door and opens it. He reaches in and grabs the narrator and-)

Narrator: BOO!!

(Jack falls backwards as Tony and the narrator both laugh hysterically)

Jack: I hate you guys soooo much. Did Chase help you with this?

Tony: (Still laughing) No.

Narrator: I was very pissed off at what my friends had done to mess with me. If Tony wasn't so cool I'd beat the hell out of

him.

Jack: Can we get back to the mission?

Tony: Yeah sure.

Jack: Childish morons... Now you've made my back window messy. You suck.

-----

A Mexican Hotel.

-----

(Eric has packed his bags and is getting into a taxi. He tells the driver to go to a nearby airstrip. He dials a number on

his cell phone)

Voicemail: (A female voice) Hello, I am currently doing some corrupt activity. If you leave me a message I will get back to

you, unless it goes sour, in which case, I may not. (A beep is heard)

Eric: It's me, Eric. Contact me when you get this. I am heading into LA now. Bye. (He hangs up) I hate voicemail.

Mexican Cab Driver: Si Senor, I never know what to say. Though I am a fan of celebrity voicemail. (He does a very bad Arnold

Schwarzenegger impression) I can't come to the phone right now. But leave a message and I'll be back.

Eric: (Sarcastically) Wow. That impression was astounding. Let's sit in silence and bathe in the awesomeness of it.

Cabbie: That sarcasm?

Eric: (Still Sarcatsically) No. I honestly thought The Governor of California himself was driving me to my destination.

Cabbie: Was that sarcasm?

Eric: Yes. I was being sarcastic BOTH times. Fucking Idiot.

Cabbie: Cocksucker.

(Cab drives off)

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

(Curtis is driving. Chase is in the passenger seat, being hit by a mini chandelier on the rearview mirror)

Chase: Did you have to get this car pimped BEFORE our shift?

Curtis: I need to drive around in style, baby. You know that.

Chase: Don't call me baby, right. It scares me. Now, let's just tail this Handleson guy..

Curtis: Henderson.

Chase: Whatever. Let's just get him so I can get my own car back.

Curtis: It's impounded.

Chase: For a minor violation.

Curtis: You swerved to HIT a pedestrian.

Chase: I thought it was Uwe Boll. He needs to die.

Curtis: Then at least try and kill him somewhere other than a crowded street in the middle of the day.

Chase: Just shut up and drive.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill has called a meeting consisting of his top personnel. This includes Edgar, Chloe, Kim, Gary and the janitor)

Bill: I have called you, my top people... (He looks around) Well, Chloe and Edgar are. (He looks at the janitor) Who are you?

Janitor: I'm scruffy. I'm the janitor.

Bill: But why are you here.

Scruffy: I wanted to get meself some women.

Bill: Well go somewhere else. There are no women here.

Kim: Hey! Chloe is a woman.

Bill: (Sighs) Well yes, but she is engaged.

Kim: Oh yeah...

Scruffy: I'm leaving. But you're office ain't gonna be tidy tomorrow. (He leaves)

Bill: Is it ever?

Kim: Wait a minute... I'm a woman too!

Gary: (To Edgar) She is sooo dull.

Edgar: Yeah. She gets kidnapped all the time. Jack hates it when she does. One time she got lost up in the hills and a cougar

attacked her.

Gary: Wow.

Edgar: Yeah.

Bill: Well, to the point. We have evidence that proves Dave did not knowingly let Eric Bauer escape. (He turns on a tape. It

shows Dave talking to Eric as Eric pretends to be Jack) This means he thought he was helping Jack and Eric tricked Dave.

Chloe: Stupid Dave.

Bill: I've called 'Stupid Dave' back into work, and he should be here soon. Let's give him a warm welcome when he arrives.

(Gary raises his hand)

Gary: Mr Buchanan!

Bill: Yes Gary?

Gary: Do we have to be nice to Dave when he gets back?

Bill: Yes. He's been through a hard time in prison, and may be mentally scarred.

Gary: From all the anal rape?

Bill: If you ain't taking this seriously, then get out.

Gary: Sweet. (Leaves)

Bill: The rest of you, be super nice to Dave. He should be back here in a few minutes. He's being choppered in.

Chloe: Right O. Hey, where's Chappelle?

Bill: He disappeared earlier.

(Scruffy pokes his head in the door)

Scruffy: There's a 'Three Kings' bar on the phone for someone named Buckman.

Bill: I assume that's me. Bring the phone over here.

Scruffy: Scruffy ain't your secetry. (Walks off)

Bill: Useless. (He walks over and picks up the phone) Hello?

Chappelle: (On the phone and slightly tipsy) Hi Bill.

Bill: Oh hi Ryan.

Chappelle: (On Phone) You should come down here and share a few drinks with me.

Bill: I'd love to Ryan, but I have to run this place.

Chappelle: (On Phone) Screw it. Leave tubby in charge.

Bill: Edgar? But he's not qualified. He can't even organize his own wedding.

Edgar: Thanks Bill, I appreciate your confidence in me.

(Bill gives him a thumbs up)

Chappelle: (On Phone) Come on! There are women. And booze. And did I mention women?

Bill: Yes you did. But I need to go now. Bye Ryan. (He hangs up)

Chloe: What did he want?

Bill: He wanted me to go drink with him.

Edgar: Oh no. Remember what he did at the Christmas Party?

(They all shudder)

Kim: Ohhhh... It's THAT Ryan Chappelle.

Bill: God you're dull.

Chloe: What Ryan did you think it was?

Kim: The one from division.

Bill: It was the one from divsion.

Kim: You said it was the one from the party.

Bill: They are the same person idiot!! Holy cripes you're thick.

(Kim starts to cry)

Bill: Oh crap. (Bill's phone rings. He answers) hello?

Jack: (On Phone) WHY DID YOU MAKE KIM CRY?!?!

Bill: (Fearing for his life. Whimpering) Oh god, don't kill me, Jack. It was an accident.

Tony: (Heard on other end of the phone) When did you become psychic?

Jack: (On Phone) It's father's intuition. You wouldn't know about it yet.

Tony: (On Phone) Sweet, psychic abilities.

Jack: (On Phone) Anyway, I ain't gonna kill you, Bill. But I will if it happens again.

Bill: Thank you, Jack. Sir.

Jack: (On Phone) Hang up now!

Bill: Gotcha! (Hangs up. Turns to Kim) You're dad is a scary, scary man.

Kim: You should know what he did to my date the day after prom.

Bill: I don't think I do.

Kim: He walks with a cane now.

Bill: Shut up.

(Kim looks like she is about to cry again)

Bill: OH GOD! Carry on telling me about it.

Kim: Nah. I'm going to the cafeteria.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Dave walks onto the main floor)

Dave: Hi all.

(Everyone crowds round him and welcomes him back)

Dave: Where is everyone important?

Gary: They are in Bill's office.

Dave: Great. (He heads to Bill's office passing Kim on the way)

Kim: Oh hi Dave. Where have you been?

Dave: Jail remember?

Kim: Oh yeah. Did you become anyone's 'Buddy'?

Dave: Yeah. A few guys actually.

Kim: Oh... Poor you. (She walks off)

Dave: But they were good people... (He climbs the steps and knocks on the door)

Bill: Come in Dave.

(Dave enters)

Edgar: ALRIGHT DAVE IS HERE! GO DAVE!

Chloe: Welcome back.

Dave: Thanks.

Bill: You should thank us later. Right now we need you to help us locate Eric Bauer. The man you help- I mean was tricked

into helping escape.

Dave: Yeah. I want payback on that bastard.

Edgar: I love that movie.

Chloe: Yeah, with Mel Gibson.

Bill: Shut up, you two. Mel Gibson sucks.

(Chloe and Edgar look shocked, then both start to cry)

Bill: Oh god, not you two too. Just get out.

(Chloe and Edgar leave)

Dave: So what do you want me to do to locate Eric Bauer?

Bill: We got a notice about a plane being spotted in a field in Mexico about quarter of an hour ago. We ran a check and

discovered that the plane is owned by Eric. If the flight schedule is correct, it's taking off around about now and

landing in LA in about, (Looks at watch) 30 minutes.

Dave: You want me to go to the airport?

Bill: Yes. That is if you want to?

Dave: I'm ready. Just give me a gun. And identification. And a phone.

Bill: You did come straight here from jail, didn't you.

Dave: You think I should've gone home for my things?

Bill: Yes.

Dave: You live, you learn.

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are parked outside of a drycleaners. Henderson had gone inside with a shirt)

Curtis: I hate dry cleaners. I took a shirt in there once, I leave it there, come back the next day and it was purple, man.

Chase: Is that the shirt you're wearing now?

Curtis: (Suspiciously) No.

Chase: Sure it isn't.

Curtis: Remember that time we put that skunk smell on that towel and gave it into one of these places?

Chase: Yeah. It stank for days. Hey, we never did get that towel back.

Curtis: Oh yeah. (Henderson leaves the building) Ooooh there he is. Follow him.

-----

Eric's Plane.

-----

(Eric is eating peanuts)

Eric: Ahhh. Owning your own plane means that you don't have to buy those damn ridiculously over priced nuts.

Mexican Man: Si si.

Eric: Why are you in here? Go fly the damn plane.

Mexican Pilot: Sorry senor.

Eric: I think I'll give my brother a call. (He takes out his phone and dials Jack's number)

Jack: (On Phone) You're Jacked in.

Eric: Hello brother.

Jack: (On Phone) Oh. It's you. (Sarcastically) Whoopee.

Eric: Why do you have to be like that, brother? Can't we just get along?

Jack: (On Phone) Good and Evil can't get along.

Eric: Who's really evil, here? You, a man who works for a government, run by a chimp, that invaded a country, just for oil?

Or me, who opposes said country, with my own ideals?

Jack: (On Phone) You. You're a terrorist.

Eric: Am I, really?

Jack: (On Phone) Yes. And here's a second opinion.

Tony: (On Phone) You're a terrorist.

Jack: (On Phone) You get that?

Eric: Fine, I'm the terrorist..

Jack: (On Phone, interrupting) HA, YOU ADMIT IT! I WIN! HAHAHAHAHA!

Eric: Still doing that, are you Jack?

Jack: (On Phone) Shut up. You're not going to get away with this. Just tell us your evil terrorist plan.

Eric: Well first off- Wait a minute, It's only just begun. I can't tell you until it's nearly complete.

Jack: (On Phone) Dang. Thought that might work.

Eric: Well that's too bad. I must be off Jack. Plans don't complete themselves you know.

Jack: (On Phone) But-

Eric: Bye Jack. Oh, give my regards to poor Dave for me. Hahahahaha.

Jack: (On Phone) You bast- (He gets cut off)

Eric: Hehehe, this time Jack won't stop me.

(In the cockpit the pilot is preparing for take-off. He dials someone on his cellphone)

Pilot: We are about to take off.. No he doesn't know a thing.. Uh-huh.. Right, I'll take care of it. (He hangs up)

-----

Logan's Hotel.

-----

Logan: Why isn't Jack here yet?

Pierce: I'm sure he will be soon Mr. President. We just have to be patient.

Logan: But I want him NOW!

(Novick enters wearing a blonde mullet)

Novick: I just received a call from the snipers. Jack's SUV is coming this way Sir.

Logan: Good. I'll be using his vehicle to travel to Air Force One. I want everybody else to be a decoy so I can escape.

Pierce: Errrr... Yes Sir.

Logan: Good luck. And Godspeed.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Tony: I think this is the place Jack.

Jack: Right. (He pulls into the underground carpark)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

(Curtis has pulled the car over outside a house)

Chase: You think this is Henderson's place?

Curtis: Think so. Phone CTU with our progress.

Chase: Right O.

(Chase takes his phone and dials. Dave answers)

Dave: (On Phone) Ahoyhoy?

Chase: Dave?

Curtis: Dave's back? Awesome!

Dave: (On Phone) Who is this? Hookboy?

Chase: MY NAME'S CHASE, DUMBASS!

Dave: (On Phone) Heyyy, Hookboy, how's it hanging?

Chase: Short, shrivelled and to the left. Listen, tell Buchanan that we've tracked Henderson to his house.

Dave: (On Phone) Can do. Hey, is Curtis there?

Chase: Yeah. Why?

Dave: (On Phone) Tell him T-Bone says 'Yo'.

Chase: Ok. (Turns to Curtis) T-Bone says 'Yo'.

Curtis: (Shiftily) I dun know no T-Bone, dawg. Mixing me up with sum other pimp, jive muth-fucker.

Chase: ...(To Dave) He got the message.

Dave: (On Phone) Ask Curtis what 'I'm gonna shank that cracka fish motherfucker' mean? Nothing gay, is it?

Chase: (To Curtis) What does 'I'm gonna shank that cracka fish motherfucker' mean?

Curtis: I'm gonna stab that new white inmate.

Chase: (To Dave) I'm gonna stab that new white inmate. Got it? Good. Now pass along that message to Buchanan will ya. Good

boy. (Hangs up)

Curtis: We gonna bust in there?

Chase: Nah. Let's wait 'till CTU call back.

Curtis: Fine. I'm gonna take a nap, and no drawing on me! It took me ages to get rid of that tipex.

Chase: Hehe. To be fair that was Jack.

Curtis: I still don't trust you.

-----

Logan's Hotel Room.

-----

(Logan is greeting Jack and Tony)

Logan: It's nice to finally meet you Mr. Bauer.

Jack: Same here Mr. President.

Logan: ...And your fellow agent.

Tony: My name is Tony Mr. President.

Logan: Ahhhh, the man who destroyed CTU's chocolate machine.

Tony: Errrr that's right Sir.

Logan: Your surname is my title. How odd.

Tony: Huh? What? (He looks at Jack who just shrugs)

Logan: It's good to see you willing to risk yourselves for me.

Jack: Yessir. Now may I suggest we leave immediately.

Logan: Yes, yes. The others have left in a motorcade to distract the terrorists and we should use your transport.

Tony: Right. Let's roll.

(All 3 head down into the car park)

Logan: Shotgun!

Tony: Dammit!

(They get into the vehicle and Jack pulls away out onto the streets)

Logan: Who is this other fellow?

Tony: He's Jack's narrator.

Jack's Narrator: I felt real honour in knowing that I was keeping President Logan safe. I also had an itch on my ear.

(Jack scratches his ear)

Jack's Narrator: That's better.

Logan: He's good.

Tony: Yeah. So where are we going Jack?

Jack: I don't know. Back to CTU I suppose.

Tony: Yeah. Should be safe there. Who would attack CTU headquarters?

-----

CTU.

-----

(Martouf has entered the bathrooms. Gary has followed him. Martouf does nothing but clean his hands and leave)

Gary: This guy knows something. But what?

-----

Henderson's House.

-----

(Henderson has received a phonecall)

Henderson: Yes?

CTU Mole: (On Phone) They know where you are. 2 of their agents are at your house.

Henderson: Hmph. Sooner than I expected. Are my men there yet?

CTU Mole: (On Phone) They shall be very soon.

Henderson: Excellent.

CTU Mole: (On Phone) I shall call you when they get here.

Henderson: Won't you be seen?

CTU Mole: (On Phone) I won't be seen. I assure you, sir. (Hangs up)

Henderson: What a loyal mole that person is. They really know what they're doing. (Sniffs) MIRIAM! TURKEY'S BURNING!

-----

A Van.

-----

(4 Men are sitting in the van, driving somewhere. 1 up front, 3 in the back)

Driver: Hey, Larry. Check the map, find out where we gotta turn.

(A man in the back unfolds and looks at a map)

Larry: You should have turned left at that last light.

Driver: Goddammit! There's no turning now till Riverside. Gonna have to pull a 'U-Turn'. Gimme a beat, Chet.

(Chet beatboxes)

Larry: I don't understand why you don't just get the CD player fixed, Adam.

Adam: I don't wanna spend any fucking money, dumbass. Carlton, pass me a soda.

(The 3rd man in the back rummages in a bag and pulls out a soda can. He hands it to Adam, who opens it and takes a long swig)

Adam: Refreshing. HOLD ON GUYS!

(U-Turns in the middle of the street, and starts to drive back in the direction they just came)

Adam: What's this place called that we're attacking again?

Larry: (Consults his map) Ummmmmm. Here it is: the Counter Terrorist Unit. CTU.

Adam: Sounds governmenty.

Carlton: What kind of word is 'governmenty'?

Adam: Shu'p. It's my word. Hold on! (He takes a hard right) Where now?

Larry: Errrrr... It's up here on the right.

(They all peer out of the window)

Chet: That seems to be the place boss.

(Adam pulls into the entrance and waits for the guard to call inside for confirmation. The guard gets it over his radio and

waves them inside)

Adam: Bingo.

-----

CTU Cafeteria.

-----

(Most of the CTU internal guards are on their break)

Guard 1: Wow these free muffins are great.

Guard 4: Yeah. That guy was so generous. A bit odd though.

Guard 2: Yeah... Oh well.

(They eat more muffins)

Guard 2: Does anyone else feel tired?

Guard 3: I do. (He suddenly falls asleep)

Guard 4: Wow, he mus- (He also falls asleep)

Guard 1: Shi- (All of the remaining guards fall asleep)

(Gary is sitting across the room)

Gary: Odd.

(He hurriedly heads to the mainfloor)

-----

CTU Main Entrance.

-----

(Aided by the Mole, the 4 men enter CTU. They kill 2 guards and spread out. 1 man heads towards the computer rooms; 2 to the

main floor; and the last man to the basement. 2 men walk out onto the main floor. They look around and walk casually over to

some more guards. They take out concealed weapons and kill them)

Edgar: Oh crap, this isn't good.

Adam: QUIET! EVERYONE STOP MOVING! (He fires his weapon at the ceiling. Some debris falls onto him) Owww. (Larry laughs) Shut

it. Everyone gather in the center of the room. (The CTU staff slowly do so. One man reaches for a weapon and is shot) Please

don't do that. Larry take their weapons. (Larry procedes to do so. A prone Gary looks around. He sees Martouf peer around a

corner)

Gary: That little fuck.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Jack's Narrator: I tried and tried to get hold of CTU using my cellphone, but there was no answer. I began to think that

something was wrong.

Jack: Something's wrong.

Tony: Perhaps terrorists, aided by a planted mole, have knocked out or killed the guards, and are now holding everybody

hostage.

Logan: What a detailed, yet implausible scenario. CTU is too good to have small blind rodents scurrying around helping

terrorists.

Jack's Narrator: I began to wonder whether President Logan had been dropped on his head at any point in his life.

Tony: I meant a mole, as in spy. Idiot, GOSH!

Jack: Maybe. And if that's what has happened, then you know what we need to do, Tony.

Tony: Operation Die Hard?

Jack: OPERATION DIE HARD!

Logan: We gonna watch a movie?

Tony: Should we drop him off somewhere, first?

Jack: Nah, s'kool. He can come watch. See what a real man does for a living.

Jack's Narrator: I'm sooooo turned on by myself right now.

Tony: Are you?

Jack: Nah, he is. (Points to Narrator) He refers to himself as me even when refering to himself.

Logan: ...Confusing.

Tony: Yah.

Jack: Well, let's go commence OPERATION DIE HARD!

Tony: YEAH!

Logan: WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?

Tony: SHUT UP!

-----

Henderson's House.

-----

(Henderson is peering out of the window at Curtis' car. He sees 2 men inside talking and pointing at the house)

Henderson: Damn. Errrr... honey, I have to step out for a while, sorry to have to miss your wonderful turkey.

Miriam: You seem to be going out alot more lately. Are you having an affair?

Henderson: We are working on something important at the moment. And sometimes things go wrong and they need me at work.

Miriam: Fine. I'll put off dinner until you get back.

(Henderson leaves his house through a back door and gets into his car)

Henderson: Suckers. CTU are pathetic.

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

Chase: We really should go in there you know.

Curtis: Yeah well, we have to wait.

Chase: But it's so booooring.

Curtis: You're boring.

Chase: What's that supposed to mean?

Curtis: It means- (His cell rings, he answers)

Jack: (On Phone) Are you guys still following Henderson?

Curtis: Yeah man, we at this mofo's house.

Jack: (On Phone) Well CTU may have been compromised so I am in charge.

Tony: (On Phone) What about me? I was head of CTU more recently than you.

Jack: (On Phone) Who got fired, and is now a regular field agent?

Tony: (On Phone) Me.

Jack: (On Phone) Damn right. (To Curtis) Get Henderson and find out what he may know about the attack on CTU.

Curtis: Roger. (Hangs up)

Chase: What Jack say?

Curtis: CTU's been compromised. We gotta get Henderson and find out what he knows about the CTU attack.

Chase: But where? CTU's been compromised.

Curtis: We'll do it at our house.

Chase: Good thinking, Batman.

Curtis: Why are you still living with me?

Chase: Me and Kim still ain't found a place to live here in LA, since I transferred back.

Curtis: It's been 3 months. Are you even close to finding a place.

Chase: Nup. (Notices something at Henderson's house) Hey, isn't that Henderson in that car? (Points)

Curtis: (Looks) Well, it sure ain't Robocop. LET'S GO! (Drives off)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Adam is on a radio)

Adam: You into their computer systems yet?

Chet: (On Radio) There is alot of security here. It may take me a while.

Adam: Alright, tell me when you are in. (Radios Carlton) Are you set?

Carlton: (On Radio) Yeah man. Just 2 more left.

Adam: We need to be done in an hour.

Carlton: (On Radio) Right.

(Adam puts down the radio and looks around the room. He watches Larry tying people up)

Adam: Having fun Larry?

Larry: Sure. Beats sitting around the hideout watching Steven Seagal movies.

Adam: Why is he still in the business?

Larry: Hell if I know... Shouldn't we have somone watch the entrance for someone coming to stop us?

Adam: Who would do that? Besides we have ways of tracking all the whereabouts of the agents. (He takes out a PDA and presses

some buttons, little beacons appear showing the locations of Chase and Curtis; and Jack, Tony and Logan) If they get near

here, we get alerted.

Larry: Hehe, thanks to our mo-

Adam: SHUT UP!

Larry: Sorry.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Jack's Narrator: We pulled up in an alley behind the CTU building. Tony and I agree that we needed a couple of minutes to

get a plan together.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

CTU Back Alley, Next to Jack's SUV.

-----

Jack's Narrator: Our plan was decided.

Tony: So you go into the ventilation shafts, go up to the main floor and try to take out the terrorists from there. Try and

BE one of them, if you can.

Jack: I'll do my best.

(A man in a white vest and black trousers comes over)

Tony: Who the fuck are you?

Man: Name's John. I noticed you were planning something involving vents, was wondering if you needed any help.

Jack: You done this kinda thing before?

John: There was this once in the Naka.. ..(Suddenly backtracking) No, I've no prior experience at this kinda thing.

Tony: THEN FUCK OFF THEN!

(John walks away)

Logan: Jerk.

Tony: No-one asked you!

-----

CTU.

-----

Adam: Hmmm... A CTU vehicle has pulled up in an alleyway near here.

Larry: Where?

Adam: Here. (He points to it on the PDA)

Larry: I think there is a burger place next to that alley.

Adam: If it doesn't move in 5 minutes go check it out.

Larry: Right.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Two thugs are gathered around the driver's door)

Thug 1: Not like that.

Thug 2: Like this? (He moves his hands around)

Thug 1: That's it son. You just broke into your first car.

Thug 2: Yay!

Thug 1: Now, lesson 2. Hotwiring.

Thug 2: Cool.

-----

CTU.

-----

Adam: Oh, that vehicle has moved.

Larry: Good, 'cos I didn't want to travel down there.

(Within the hostage group, Gary was trying to get his restraints lose)

Gary: Where did this guy learn to tie knots? (He manages to loosen the rope) Yes. Now to escape...

-----

CTU Basement.

-----

(Jack is crawling through the vents)

Jack: I'm not suited to vents dammit. (He hears a ripping sound) That better not be my shirt. (His shirt had got snagged and

ripped) BASTARD! I loved that shirt. (He removes the shirt, revealing a white vest beneath it)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Gary is sneaking through the halls. As he turns a corner, he bumps into Martouf)

Gary: MARTOUF! THANK GOD YOU'RE ALRIGHT!

Martouf: Shut the fuck up, they'll hear you.

Gary: What the hell is going on here?

Martouf: Why don't you answer that, GARY! You're the one who's been helping them!

Gary: What? Where'd you get an idea like that?

Martouf: I've seen you. Planting trackers on the SUVs, poisoning the guards earlier. I've seen everything. I've seen it all.

Gary: You saw those things huh? Why didn't you go to Buchanan?

Martouf: I was about to, then your goons barged in and took over the place.

Gary: Ah. Well, it seems I have two choices, don't it? I can either let you go, where you'll inform Buchanan and the other

hostages that I'm working with these thugs from the inside. Or, I can kill you and lie about it. Which to choose, which to

choose? Ah, fuck it. (Quickly pulls out a knife and stabs Martouf in the side)

Martouf: Ow! (Falls down) Remember me...as I was...A sex fiend! (Gurgles)

(Gary shakes his head and walks off)

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

Logan: So we are just going to hang around out here?

Tony: Yes.

Logan: Wouldn't 2 men be better than 1 at stopping these people?

Tony: Sure. But Jack is worth, like, 10 men. He can kill a room full of men with machine guns armed only with a towel and a

toothpick.

Logan: Wow... Can we do something, I'm bored.

Tony: (Sighs) Like what?

Logan: How about we play hide and seek?

Tony: (Thinking) Fine. You go hide, I'll count to 100.

Logan: YAY! (He runs off to hide)

Tony: Where's the nearest liquor store round here?...

-----

LA Private Airfield.

-----

(Eric's private jet was now in a hangar. Eric was fast asleep and no-one had bothered waking him. He finally awoke when his

cell went off)

Eric: (Waking from a dream) Don't touch me there mom... Wait... Where am I? Oh, my phone. (He answers his phone) Hello?

Sniper: (On Phone) Where are you? Your plane should have landed ages ago.

Eric: We have arrived. I will be heading out shortly.

Sniper: (On Phone) Right. We are at the hotel.

Eric: Okay, I'll be there soon. (He hangs up)

-----

Henderson's Car.

-----

(Henderson had been leading Chase and Curtis around for a while now and was getting tired with it. He takes out his phone

and calls the men at CTU)

Adam: (On Phone) Yello?

Henderson: It's me. Is everything going according to plan?

Adam: (On Phone) There was a moment when we thought a CTU vehicle was in the alley, but it was nothing.

Henderson: Have you done a sweep? Make sure no bogeys are hanging around?

Adam: (On Phone, To Larry) It's Chris. I think he wants us to pick our noses.

Larry: (On Phone) WHAT!? WHY?!

Adam: (On Phone) Cos he's all old, and shit? I dunno.

Henderson: Shut up, you idiots.

Adam: (On Phone, Sounding Upset) No need to be mean about it.

Henderson: I'm sorry. Any word on where Bauer is?

Adam: (On Phone) He wasn't here when we came in. Maybe he found out something had gone down here, and came back to go all

John McClane on us.

Henderson: Who's this 'McClean' person, of whom you speak?

Adam: (On Phone) Bruce Willis? Die Hard? A movie?

Henderson: Last movie I saw was Purple Rain.

Adam: (On Phone, Disgusted) Purple Rain?

Larry: (On Phone) Hey, The Time rocked ass in that flick.

Adam: (On Phone) STFU, n00b.

Larry: (On Phone) Oh, is it now? BRING IT, BIATCH!

Henderson: LADIES! Can we focus, please!

Adam: (On Phone) Sorry, Mr H.

Henderson: OK. Search the building, try to find Bauer. My gut tells me he's there, in some way, shape and form.

Adam: (On Phone) Like a force ghost?

Henderson: Goodbye. (Hangs up) Couldn't we have hired foreign idiocy, rather than homegrown stupidity.

-----

CTU Vents.

-----

(Jack appears to be lost in the maze of vents)

Jack: Goddammit. It's not as if I can ask for directions. (He turns a corner and sees a man sleeping in front of him) Well

that's odd. (He pokes the sleeping man) Nothing. (He holds the man's nose. The guy wakes up)

Vent Tramp: Whatthehell?

Jack: You're in my vent.

Irate Man: This ain't your vent.

Jack: Wow, those lessons Chase gave in Trampspeak™ really worked. I can understand you.

Vent Tramp: I can speak like you if I want.

Jack: Oh... What exactly are you doing here?

Vent Tramp: This is my home.

Jack: The vents? (The tramp nods) You live in CTU's vents?

Vent Tramp: Sure do. Been here 8 months now.

Jack: How do you survive?

Vent Tramp: I go into the canteen and take food.

Jack: Ahhh, have you ever taken any from the fridge marked 'Edgar'?

Vent Tramp: Yeah. Then I kept hearing arguements over it and stopped.

Jack: HAHAHAHA!! Edgar kept blaming Tony. Hehehe.

Vent Tramp: The fat one blamed the angry one? That's funny.

Jack: You know of the people down there then?

Vent Tramp: I gave them nicknames.

Jack: Do I have one?

Vent Tramp: Errrrrrr... Yeah.

Jack: What is it?

Vent Tramp: Lord Awesome.

Jack: Wow...That describes me to a 'T'. Thank you, vent dweller. Say, you couldn't tell me where we are exactly? What room

we're over.

Vent Tramp: We're over Corridor 3. There's a hatch about 10 yards, that way (Points)

Jack: Thanks. Here, (Hands tramp a candy bar) you need this more than me. (Crawls towards the hatch, stops, and comes back)

Actually, I want this. (Takes candy back off the tramp) Have this nickel instead.

(Hands tramp a nickel) Bye then. (Crawls off)

Vent Tramp: Bastard.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Tony is sitting against a wall, drinking from a hip-flask)

Tony: You think I should start looking for that dunce Logan?

Narrator: I think you should, yeah.

Tony: Goddammit. (Gets up. He makes a move to walk away, but hear's the Narrator say something)

Narrator: I push open the vent hatch and look out into the corridor. No hostiles in sight. I drop into the corridor.

Tony: At least Jack's still alive.

Narrator: There's a body a little further up the corridor. As I move closer, I realise it's Martouf.

-----

Corridor 3.

-----

Jack: Oh my god, they've killed Martouf. THOSE BASTARDS! (His cell rings. He answers) Hello?

Tony: (On Phone) So Martouf is dead eh?

Jack: How did you know that?

Tony: (On Phone) You're narrator told me.

Jack: Oh. Yeah, he's just lying here in a puddle of blood.

Martouf: Jack?

Jack: Oh, he seem's alive. I'll call you back Tony.

Tony: (On Phone) But- (Jack hangs up and goes over to Martouf)

Martouf: Jack...The... is...

Jack: The... leader of the terrorists is...?

Martouf: No.

Jack: The soup of the day is...?

Martouf: The...Mole...

Jack: My mole? I'd rather not say where it is.

Martouf: Gary.. Is the mole... Get him.. For me... (Martouf dies)

Jack: Ahhhh, the CTU mole. I- Oh, he's dead now. I guess Gary killed him when Martouf found out about his secret. CTU suck

at screening new people. Guess I should find some of these bastards and take them out. (He climbs back into the vent)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

(Curtis and Chase are still driving round following Henderson)

Chase: WATCH OUT! HE'S TURNED A CORNER!

cURTIS: I CAN see, numbnuts. And stop yelling, will ya.

Chase: Sorry.

(They turn the corner, which leads down an alley)

Curtis: He can't get far in an alley. (They almost hit a person in the alley) Man, that guy looked like Tony.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

Tony: (Clearly stunned about almost being run over) Fucking drunk drivers. (Picks a something flat and metal off the floor)

They crushed my hip-flask. BAAAAAAA-

-----

Curtis' Car.

-----

Tony: (Off Screen) -AAAAASSSTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDSS !

Chase: I think that was Tony.

Curtis: Oh. (Sees something up ahead) Hey, look. Henderson's stuck in a dead end.

Chase: Corner him. (Curtis stops the car behind Henderson's) We got you now. (They both exit the car and walk over to

Henderson who is exiting his car)

Curtis: FREEZE MOFO!

Chase: Stop, Henderson! (The man, facing away from them puts his hands up)

Man: What is this? Are you robbing me? And who is 'Henderson'?

Curtis: You are, you're Christopher Henderson!

Man: My name is Alex Murphy. (He turns around)

Chase: Oh, he's right.

Curtis: Then... Where did we lose Henderson?

-----

Across From CTU.

-----

(Henderson is watching Chase and Curtis from a rooftop)

Henderson: That was so easy. (He looks towards the other end of the alley to see an angry man kicking a piece of metal about)

That guy seems angry. (He see's another man trying to calm the angry one down) Good luck to him. Hehe. Wonder how my man is

doing?

-----

Inside A Taxi.

-----

(Eric's pilot has been following his taxi from the airport. The taxi driver has been talking to him)

Cab Driver: I had a brooding guy like you in here once. He seemed nice enough, until he dropped a dead body on the hood from

a highrise building. Boy did that night get worse.

Pilot: Wow. Tough customer.

Driver: Yeah. I'm Max by the way.

Pilot: Vincent.

Max: Shit! That was the guy's name too! Talk about a small world.

Vincent: Yeah.

Max: (Suspiciously) Why are we following this guy? Circumstances seem eerily familiar.

Vincent: Haha, I'm not going to kill him, if that's what you are worried about. He has a.. suspicious wife and I'm a Private

Eye.

Max: Oh, sweet. Like Dick Tracy.

Vincent: Sure.

Max: If he has a suspicious wife, why are you following him?

Vincent: Just drive and don't ask questions.

Max: Fine.

Vincent: He's pulling over. Stop here. Mind if I smoke?

Max: I'd rather you didn't (Vincent glares menacingly) but you go right ahead and light that bad boy.

Vincent: Thanks.

-----

Hotel Room.

-----

(Mandy and the Sniper are making out on the bed. They do not hear the door open)

Eric: (Off Screen) You insatiable slut. You disappoint me too, Mandy.

Mandy: Shut up.

Eric: Fiesty. You failed me today, John. You failed to kill Logan earlier today.

John: It's not my fault. The little asshole kept moving. I got all his Secret Service guys though.

Eric: That's not good enough, is it. The whole point of today was to kill President Logan for America.

(Mandy grabs something off a table)

John: Just let me have another shot at him. I'll do it correctly, this time.

Eric: There won't be a next time. (Mandy stabs John in the back with something) For you, anyway.

(John falls on his front, revealing a letter opener in his back)

Mandy: Nothing like a good kill. Except a good Fuck.

Eric: We have 10 minutes. Make it quick, then burn these sheets.

-----

CTU Vents.

-----

(Jack has hired the Vent Tramp as his guide around the vent system. Apparently his name is Homer)

Jack: Is your name anything to do with The Simpsons?

Homer: Dunno. What's The Simpsons?

Jack: It's a cartoon on the tv.

Homer: Does it look like I have a tv up here?

Jack: No I guess not.

Homer: Oh, here we are. (He points at another hatch) This leads to Corridor 14. (Jack looks at him blankly. Homer sighs) The

corridor with the old chocolate machine.

Jack: Ahhhhh, The memorial to Tony's past. He wanted it gold plated but Bill said it would have to come out of his wages if

that happened and he shut up.

Homer: Wow. I'ma gonna head to the canteen for a snack. Don't think there is anyone there now.

Jack: I'll radio if I need more guidence.

Homer: Alright. But it'll cost you more.

Jack: Fine. (He opens the hatch and peers down. There is a goon trying to get a scrumpled dollar note into the new machine)

Carlton: Goddamn machine.

(Jack lowers himself down behind the man and takes out his knife)

Carlton: Wait a minute... Why the fuck am I paying? (He raises his gun to shoot the machine but stops and falls to the floor)

Jack: No-one but Tony destroys our stuff. (Jack takes his knife from Carlton's spine, picks him up and moves him to an

empty room) God he's heavy. (He searches the body and finds a radio, a detonator to some C4, a toothbrush and a 4 inch piece

of copper) What seemingly random items, these couldn't possibly be of any use to me. (He pockets them anyway)

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

Adam: Where the hell is Carlton?

Larry: Maybe he found a hooker.

(Across the floor, the hostages are listening)

Bill: Dammit, he's gone in my office.

Chloe: You have hookers in your office?

Edgar: Any cake?

Bill: Yes, and No.

Chloe: That's very irresponsible of you, Mr. Buchanan.

Edgar: Soooo, no cake?

Chloe: NO, THERE'S NO CAKE!

Edgar: (Cowering) No need to shout.

Chloe: I'm sorry, Eddy Bear.

(They kiss and make up)

Bill: I feel sick.

(Back to Adam and Larry. Chet comes over, dragging a body behind him, with a hood over the head)

Chet: Found this guy stumbling round outside. Shall I put him with the other hostages?

Adam: He alive?

Chet: Yeah, I just cold cocked him cos he wouldn't co-operate.

Adam: Alright, put him with the others. Then get back to the computer room.

Chet: Can do, sir.

(Chet drags the body over to the other hostages. He pulls off the hood, revealing the body to be Chappelle)

Bill: At least he left the bar.

(Chappelle starts to come round)

Chloe: He's waking up.

Chappelle: Uuuurgh, what happened? (Looks at Chloe) Oh my god, I must have been wasted. Take some money from my wallet on the

dresser and let yourself out.

Bill: Ryan, you're at CTU. You did not have sexual relations with Chloe.

Chappelle: Right on.

Edgar: Are you implying you wouldn't want to?

Chappelle: Errr... (He tries to think of a way out without being hit or possibly eaten) Look an eagle!

Edgar: Where?! (He looks around excitedly) There's no eagle.

Chappelle: He must have flown away.

Edgar: Awwwwwww.

(Bill notices Adam and Larry look worried)

Bill: Hmmm, seems as if those two have problems.

Kim: I have a problem.

Bill: If you say you need to straighten your hair again I'm going to-

Kim: No silly. I broke a nail.

Bill: I hate you.

(Across the room Adam and Larry are arguing)

Adam: Go and look for Carlton.

Larry: But I don't wanna. You go.

Adam: Let's flip for it.

Larry: Seems fair. (He takes out a coin)

Adam: Heads I win, tails you lose. (Larry flips the coin) HA! Tails, you lose.

Larry: Bugger. (He wanders off to find Carlton)

Adam: OKAY! LISTEN UP! If you all co-operate then we will leave you all alone and you can go about your business.

Voice from the crowd: YOU SUCK!

Adam: Okay, thanks for that. Now QUIET! (He checks the PDA) Shit, there is a CTU vehicle outside. It's the one sent to get

the boss. He must be outside.

-----

CTU Alley.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are having a break in the car)

Chase: Steve Guttenberg? (Lights a cigarette)

Curtis: No, the other one. Had a moustache.

Chase: Tom Selleck.

Curtis: That's him. He's who I saw the other day.

Chase: Awesome. What was he doing?

Curtis: Running through the streets naked shouting 'STOP THE MAGNUM PI MOVIE!'

Chase: Poor guy. He's had no work since Friends.

Curtis: I know. I gave him a cup of soup.

Chase: You're very charitable.

Curtis: I know.

Chase: You think we should start trying to find Henderson soon.

Curtis: Yeah. Better. Put that cigarette out and we'll go.

Chase: (Points to something down the alley) Hey, is that him?

Curtis: Yeah, let's go. (Drives down the alley and stops in front of the man they think is Henderson. They get out of the car

, guns drawn) DOWN ON THE FLOOR, CHRISTOPHER!

Man: Who's Christopher?

Chase: Are you Christopher Henderson?

Man: No! My name is Chuck Taggart.

Curtis: Show us some ID. (The man shows them his driving license) Okay, move along sir.

Chase: Man, Bill's gonna kill us when he finds out we ain't got Henderson.

Curtis: Not unless we stay away from him until he forgets about it.

Chase: Yeah... Good thinking. Let's go grab some beers.

Curtis: YEAH! (They high five) Let's do a little dance! (They dance) Make a bit of love!

Chase: Whoa, bad Curtis... No... No.

-----

CTU Storageroom.

-----

(Larry had found Carlton and had radioed Adam)

Adam: (On Radio) Great, It seems we have a hero here. Search the building and kill this man.

Larry: On my own?

Adam: (On Radio) Yes. Chet will help you when he has finished.

Larry: Fine.

-----

CTU Vents.

-----

(Jack and Homer have met up and are nearing the computer rooms)

Homer: Below us are the computer rooms. I'm sure I heard one of those guys say he was going there.

Jack: Thanks.

Homer: Now, about my payment.

Jack: Another 10 dollars?

Homer: No, summin to help me keep clean up here.

Jack: Hmmmmm... (He takes out the toothbrush)

Homer: WHOA!! That'll do man. Thanks.

Jack: You're welcome. (He climbs out of the vent and sneaks up to the computer room door. He hears someone on the radio)

Chet: It's all done... What?!... Okay, I'll help Larry find this guy. Poor Carlton.

(Chet walks over to the door, and walks into the hallway. As he leaves the room, Jack grabs him around the neck and holds a

knife to his throat)

Jack: Who is your leader?

Chet: I dunno what you mean.

Jack: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!

Chet: I'm just a technician.

Jack: THAT'S A LIE! WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE!?

Chet: What's an objective? (Starts crying)

Jack: WHAT IS YOUR MAIN GOAL/AIM?

Chet: (Bawling his eyes out) I dunno, man. I was just told to come here and input some data. I was promised a sandwich.

Jack: I'm not getting anything out of you. (Slits Chet's throat)

Chet: (Rasping) Why?

Jack: Karma, bitch!

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Tony and Narrator are playing cards)

Tony: Any 5's?

Narrator: What are we playing, again?

Tony: I wanna say 'Poker'

Narrator: Crap, I got blood on my favourite shirt. What a job I'll have explaining that to Mr. Kalm.

Tony: There's no- oh, you mean Jack right? Has he killed another bad guy?

Narrator: That's 2 down, and at least another 3 left, including that bastard Gary.

Tony: I always said there was something fishy about that guy.

Narrator: Jack said you didn't even know there was a Gary working here.

Tony: I thought his name was Todd. Not sure why...

Narrator: Hey... Where's The President?

Tony: Oh. Whoops.

-----

CTU Corridor.

-----

(Larry is walking around looking for Carlton's killer. He turns a corner and sees Gary unlocking a room)

Larry: Freeze!

Gary: Relax, it's me.

Larry: Who are you?

Gary: Don't you know? I'm your inside man.

Larry: Hmmmm, what's the password.

Gary: The La-li-lu-le-lo.

Larry: Hmmmm... Okay. It's nice to meet the man that helped us to achieve this.

Gary: Thanks.

Larry: You seen anyone around here. 'Cos someone killed one of our guys.

Gary: Nope. Sorry.

Larry: Damn.

(Jack walks around the corner and sees the two)

Jack: Freeze!

Larry: SHIT! (He grabs Gary like a hostage) STOP OR I SHOOT HIM!

Gary: Don't let him kill me, I have a wife and kids.

Jack: Bill said you were single.

Gary: Goddammit! This guy didn't know that.

Jack: Oh yeah. (Jack starts to look scared at something behind Gary and Larry)

Gary: What is it?

Jack: It's... I... CRAP!!

(Larry turns around and Jack shoots him in the head)

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

Narrator: BOOM! Headshot!

Tony: Way to go Jack.

-----

CTU Corridor.

-----

(Gary is standing there, trembling in fear)

Jack: Suck it up, ya big baby!

Gary: Why did you kill him?

Jack: Umm, cos he was gonna kill you... You're welcome.

Gary: But..But what..what if they find out?

Jack: That's not gonna happen, is it.

Gary: How can you be so sure?

Jack: I'm Jack Bauer, kid. I know. Now, we gotta find a place to formulate our next move.

Gary: Good plan.

(Jack walks off, with Gary behind. Gary takes a radio out of his pocket and turns it on to a broadcast only frequency)

-----

Airfield.

-----

(Air Force One is on the runway. A limo pulls up. Martha, Cummings, Pierce and Novick get out)

Novick: Well, what a long and uneventful drive.

Martha: Absolutely. Where's Charles?

Pierce: He should be here.

Cummings: I'll ring Agent Almeida and find out where they are.

Martha: Tell him I'm worried about him.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Tony's cellphone rings)

Tony: Hello?

Cummings: (On Phone) Agent Almeida? This is Walt Cummings, is the President there?

Tony: Oh, he's errr... In the toilet right now, can I take a message?

Cummings: (On Phone) Tell him I'm worried about him and that he should be here by now.

Tony: We will be a bit late as we have taken an unexpected detour. You should all get on Air Force One and have a rest.

Cummings: (On Phone) We've been sitting in a car for ages and now we want to see The President.

Tony: I'll tell him we must hurry onwards. Bye! (He hangs up) Crap. Now I gotta search for Logan.

-----

Airfield.

-----

Martha: What did he say?

Cummings: That they are going to head here soon.

Novick: Right. Let's go and play Monopoly.

Cummings: Dibs on the hat!

Novick: Dammit.

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

(The hostages are playing eyespy. It's Bill's turn)

Kim: Is it a camel?

Bill: Where is there a camel in here.

Kim: I don't know... What about a car?

Bill: Would someone else please answer.

Chloe: It's a cabinet.

Bill: Yay! Your turn.

Chloe: It begins with 'G'.

Kim: A gun.

Chloe: Oh... That's right.

Kim: YAY! My go!

Bill: Oh god, here we go.

-----

CTU Corridor.

-----

(Jack and Gary are walking around, looking for the other terrorists)

Jack: So, how'd you get away from the terrorists, then?

Gary: I was coming back from the bathroom, when I heard a commotion on the main floor. I figured that CTU may have been

compromised, so I ran and hid in one of Scruffy's closets.

Jack: Scruffy?

Gary: The Janitor.

Jack: Stumpy kinda guy? Red hat, moustache? Speaks with a gruff voice? Couldn't give two shits about this place or it's

employees?

Gary: Yeah. You know him?

Jack: Seen him round. Thought Tony's dad had come visit.

Gary: TONY HAS PARENTS! I thought he was brewed in a hate and anger factory.

Jack: Nah, his parents are pretty cool. I only met his mother, though. She's very nice.

Gary: How 'bout your parents?

Jack: They're dead. Well, not dead, but in a home, so as good as.

Gary: Oh.

Jack: Fuck, that reminds me. I gotta go visit them sometime this week. Fuck!

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Tony and Narrator are looking for Logan)

Tony: Here, President, President, President. Got a nice ball of yarn for ya.

Narrator: He's not a cat, ya dumbass.

Tony: Shut the fuck up. How's Jack doing?

Narrator: He and Gary are in the bathroom corridor.

Tony: Gary? That traitorous bastard? Why hasn't Jack capped his ass yet?

Narrator: I'unno.

(Tony and Narrator walk down an alley they turn a corner and bump into Curtis and Chase)

Curtis: Sup Tone, (Stares at Narrator) Uhhhh.

Narrator: Reg. Reginald Fairfield. (Extends hand)

Chase: Please to meet you, Reg Reginald Fairfield. (Shakes his hand)

Tony: What you guys doing?

Curtis: We were looking for Henderson. But he got away from us.

Tony: I bet he'll turn up. Till he does, you can help with the situation at CTU. Reggie Babe will fill you in. I gotta find

the leader of the free world and take him to the airfield. He has a plane to catch.

Chase: Wanna beer? (Offers Tony a bottle of beer he has in a bag)

Tony: Must...take...booze... NO! I gotta drive.

Chase: Fair enough. C ya later Tone.

Curtis: So what's the deal with CTU man.

Narrator: Well...

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Narrator: And now you guys are here to help Jack.

Chase: Cooooool. Why aren't you as cool as Jack?

Curtis: I'm just as good as he is.

Chase: What have you done that's as remotely as good?

Curtis: I caught that Mexican drug baron.

Chase: That's because Jack had drugged him. And shot him in the leg. And tied his legs up. You tackled him off of a chair

and claimed you'd got him.

Curtis: Shut up. But who done all the undercover work?

Chase: Jack did. You just slept with the guy's wife.

Curtis: Awwwwwwww yeah! Now THAT is undercover work, James Bond style, know what I'm saying? (He nudges Chase)

Chase: Can we go help Jack?

Curtis: Fine. But I wanna shoot the terrorists.

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

(Adam has tried to radio Chet with no luck)

Adam: Dammit. They must have got him too. I hope he finished uploading the list.

(Over the other side of the room the hostages were trying to guess Kim's word)

Edgar: There are no other words beginning with 'N'.

Kim: Do you all give up?

Bill: Fine.

Chloe: I guess.

Edgar: Whatever.

Kim: It was 'Knife'.

Bill: That's spelt with a 'K'.

Kim: Don't be silly. It's said 'Nife'.

(Bill curls up in the feotal position)

Bill: Kill me now.

Edgar: I'm hungry.

Bill: I don't want to die like that! (He looks scared)

Edgar: I'm not THAT hungry.

Bill: Good.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are putting on kevlar vests)

Curtis: (To Narrator) There any way you can send Jack a message to tell him we're coming in to help him?

Narrator: I'm not psychic, Curtis.

Chase: Then how do you know what he's doing all the time?

Narrator: I guess. Just so happens that i'm right about 97 percent of the time.

Curtis: Damn! You think I could get a narrator.

Chase: Why not just talk about what you are doing as you do it?

Curtis: Man, you know how lazy my ass is.

Narrator: Ladies, stop bickering. I'm sure Jack has his cell phone on vibrate, so just ring him and inform him of the plan.

Curtis: He not got a radio on?

Narrator: He has a terrorist radio, but we don't know the frequency. Plus, the other terrorists would hear you.

Chase: He's got a good point. (Cut to Narrator pointing at something in a weird way) Stop that.

Curtis: Lemme use your phone to ring Jack then, Potsie.

Chase: Why'd you call me Potsie?

Curtis: Why not? Now gimme your phone.

(Chase hands his cellphone over to Curtis, who dials Jack's number)

-----

CTU Corridor.

-----

(Jack and Gary are laying low in a broom closet. 'La Cucaracha' starts playing from nowhere)

Gary: Is that your phone?

Jack: Well, it ain't my waffle iron. (Answers phone) Hello

-----

Intercut Broom Closet and Outside CTU.

-----

Curtis: Sup, Jack. It's Curtis.

Jack: Hey man, how's things?

Curtis: They is a'ight man. We wanna come in and help you.

Jack: Well thanks, but I think there's only one more guy left, and he's in the main lobby.

Gary: Then why the hell are we in a closet?

Jack: ...Shup now. He might be wandering about... Maybe...

Curtis: Want us to storm the entrance?

Gary: I heard they rigged the entrance with explosives.

Jack: Did you here that from the cellphone?

Gary: I have good hearing.

Jack: Okay, Curtis, I want you to find another way in and check out the lobby and see if there is a guy with a gun in there.

Curtis: Right.

Jack: Phone me when you are there.

Curtis: Roger that team leader. (He hangs up) Squad, let's move out.

Chase: We aren't a squad. And since when are you giving the orders?

Curtis: Since I phoned Jack.

Chase: I told you to.

Narrator: You guys bicker like little schoolgirls.

Curtis: Mmmmmmm, one of my hoes dressed up like a schoolgirl once.

Chase: Oh yeah, mmmmmmmm.

Narrator: Mmmmmmmm.

-----

CTU Carpark.

-----

(Tony is looking for Logan)

Tony: For a dumbass, he's pretty good at this.

(A homeless guy comes over)

Homeless Guy: You looking for the president?

Tony: Yes. You seen him?

Homeless Guy: Some of my boys took him. You'll get him back, IF you do something for me.

Tony: What?

Homeless Guy: Dance.

Tony: I ain't gonna dance for you. Now show me where you're keeping the president.

Homeless Guy: Why should I show you?

(Tony pulls out his gun, with a silencer attached)

Tony: Here's why.

Homeless Guy: That's not a gun. (Pulls out an M-60) THIS is a gun.

Tony: This IS a gun. Watch. (Shoots the knees of the homeless man, who drops his gun) Gonna tell me where the president is

now?

Homeless Guy: This garage on the corner of Central and East Florence.

Tony: That ain't far from here. You got a car?

(Homeless man stares)

Homeless Guy: What do you think?

Tony: Great... Then I'll just take this one. (He walks over to a car and picks the lock. He gets in and hotwires it and pulls

away. As he reverses out we see a sign that reads 'Reserved for CTU Director - Bill Buchanan') Wow, nice wheels.

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are peering onto the mainfloor from a level up)

Curtis: (Whispering) I see the guy with the gun.

Chase: (Also whispering) I'll call Jack. (He gets out his cell and dials Jack's number)

(Cut to shots of Jack and Gary; and Chase and Curtis)

Jack: What can you see?

Chase: A bald guy with a cool looking goatee. He has a radio and some kind of PDA in his hand. Oh and he has a gun. Shall I

shoot him?

Jack: No, we need to find out what they were planning, and if they finished or not... I'll lure him out of there then you and

Curtis-

Chase: -And your narrator.

Jack: And him, can get Bill, Kim and the rest of the hostages out.

Chase: Right. How are you going to lure him out?

Jack: I've got a way.

Chase: Fine. But Curtis wants to shoot him.

Jack: He's always on about the damn shooting, maybe once I'm done interrogating Curtis can shoot him.

Curtis: Yo, Jack. You're on speakerphone. I really get to shoot someone?

Chase: Hell no. You can't kill a prisoner.

Curtis: Shutup with what I can and can't do. You give me a migraine with that shit. Plus, he won't be a prisoner, cos we

ain't arresting him.

Chase: He's an un-official prisoner, dumbass.

Jack: Yo, Riggs and Murtaugh, can you bicker another time, please?

Curtis: Yo, you're Murtaugh, dude.

Chase: Shut up, you're the black one.

Curtis: Granted, but you're older than me.

Chase: By, like, a week. Jack's way older.

Curtis: How old is he?

Chase: Must be nearing 50 by now, surely.

Curtis: Murtaugh was that old when he first met Riggs.

Jack: I AIN'T 50. Now, just proceed with the plan, can we?

Chase: Gotcha, Jack. See you in a bit. Over. (Hangs up)

Curtis: It's not a radio, fucktard.

Chase: Shut up. So, say Jack is Murtaugh, who's his Riggs?

Both: (Without Hesitation) Tony.

-----

CTU Corridor.

-----

(Outside of the mainfloor, Jack and Gary are readying their distraction)

Gary: So you grab his attention and we run?

Jack: Pretty much.

Gary: Sweet. Can I have a gun incase I need to defend myself?

Jack: 'Spose. (Jack hands Gary a gun)

Gary: YAY!

Jack: Okay, let's do this. (Jack moves into the doorway and does the 'Funky Chicken') Ohhhhh yeah.

(Adam spots him)

Adam: YOU!! You're the bastard that's been killing my men. (He hesitates, looking at the hostages, but his anger at Jack

overcomes him) YOU'RE MINE! (He runs after Jack)

Jack: SHIT. RUN! (He and Gary run off down the corridor, bullets flying past them)

(On the mainfloor, Chase and Curtis jump down from above)

Chase: WEEEEEE!!

Curtis: YEEHAA!! (He hits the ground hard) OWWWW! I think I sprained my ankle.

Bill: I never thought I'd be glad to see Curtis.

Edgar: Me neither. I bet it was all Chase's plan to help us. (The crowd agrees)

Curtis: Ungrateful sonsof-

Kim: Shouldn't someone help my dad? (Silence) Anyone? (Again, silence) Chase?

Chase: Do I have to?

Kim: Yes. Or no-

Chase: I got it. Off I go.

Edgar: (To Kim) Were you gonna deny him cookies? Like Chloe does with me?

Curtis: Edgar, you fat fool. She was gonna deny him some of HER cookies. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, MEN? (Raises his hand for a

high five)

(An unknown CTU Agent high fives Curtis)

Unknown CTU Agent: YEAH!

Curtis: Ew, Background Character, what the fuck you doing? Touching the star? Bad extra... No... No.

-----

Another CTU Corridor.

-----

(Jack and Gary are still running around)

Jack: I don't think he's still following us. We'll rest here for a bit.

Adam: (Off Screen) I know you're here, Jack. I hear you breathing.

Gary: (Loud Whispering) Stop breathing, then he won't know where we are.

Jack: (Loud Whispering) You're an idiot.

Adam: (Getting closer) If you just come out now, I promise it won't hurt.

Jack: Oh, fuck this. (Stands up, with his gun raised)

Adam: There you are, Jack. (Gunshot) Ow. (Falls down to the floor, dead. Chase is standing behind himm holding a smoking gun)

Jack: You took your sweet time.

Chase: Sorry. I got lost around these damn winding corridors.

Jack: They are pretty winding... Now to deal with you. (He points to Gary, who knocks Chase's gun from his hand and takes him

hostage) Crap.

Gary: I didn't think you knew about me Jack.

Jack: Well, you thought wrong.

Gary: But I Guess it didn't turn out too well for you, what with our mission here being completed.

Jack: Dammit. What was your mission?

Gary: We sent a little something outside of CTU, to someone you know.

Jack: Tony?

Gary: No, Henderson you idiot.

Jack: Oh yeah, him. Didn't you follow him Chase?

Chase: Yeah, but we, errr, lost him.

Jack: Nice one.

Gary: Let me out of here alive and Chase can go free.

Jack: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Nah. I need more information from you.

Gary: Don't you care about Chase then? He IS married to your daughter.

Jack: But he's a n00b. He lost someone in a car.

Gary. True... But still. If you don't care about him then- (He quickly moves his gun up to aim at Jack and pulls the trigger.

Nothing happens) What? (He tries again) Damn. I hate you Jack.

Jack: (Grinning) Yeah, I know it. (He shoots Gary, who stumbles back with Chase through a glass window. Chase hangs onto the

windowframe and Gary has a hold of him)

Gary: (Pleading) Don't let me fall! I don't want to die!

Chase: Dude, it's one floor, like, 15 feet.

Gary: Oh. (He drops) OW! CRAP! (Jack peers over and sees Gary laying on the floor)

Jack: Haha!

Gary: DAMN YOU! (He starts to crawl away. Curtis appears next to him)

Curtis: Yo J.

Jack: Hey C. Stop that traitor for me? You can shoot him.

Curtis: Right on. (He shoots Gary) Notch one up for Curtis.

Jack: Good work. We'll be right down.

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

(Curtis enters)

Curtis: Jack said he'd be down in a minute.

Chloe: Down? There's like, 1 floor, here.

Bill: It's a huge high-rise building. Remember when Jimmy fell off the roof a couple days ago?

Chloe: Oh, yeah. I've just never been higher than this floor, so ya know (Starts checking files to see if anything has been

compromised)

(Jack and Chase enter. Kim runs toward them both)

Jack: Hi, sweetie.

Kim: Hey, dad. (Kisses Chase) Hey, you. I got something to show you. (Grabs his hand and leads him away)

(Curtis comes over to Jack)

Curtis: Oh, SNAP, dude. They're gonna -

Jack: I know.

Curtis: Your daughter's gonna get -

Jack: I KNOW!

Curtis: 8 Ways from Sun -

Jack: (Grabs Curtis around the neck and pushes him against a wall) I KNOW!! NOW SHUT UP, BEFORE I CUT YOUR EYE OUT.

Edgar: Better listen to him, Curtis, He'll do it.

Chloe: Uh-oh. Jack, better look at this.

Jack: What is it, Chloe? (Walks over)

Chloe: Someone's transferred a list of every undercover CTU agent in the country to an outside source.

Jack: Who would need that information?

-----

Hotel Room.

-----

(Henderson, Eric and Mandy are standing in front of a laptop. Eric smiles)

Eric: This'll do nicely.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Edgar: What could Henderson want with that list?

Bill: He could do anything with it. He could hold us to ransom.

Jack: You think we should try and recall all of the agents undercover?

Chloe: There are too many to recall back that quickly. Plus alot of them have gone dark.

Jack: Dammit! DAMMIT! Dammit.

Jack's Narrator: I was pissed off at Henderson right now, and my brother for working with him. I was also feeling kind of

hungry. Maybe even hungry enough to steal from Edgar's secret cake stash.

(Jack walks over to a stack of files and lifts them up revealing a plate with cake on it)

Edgar: Hey! My cake.

Chloe: YOUR cake?

Edgar: I mean... Curtis' cake.

Curtis: Oh no, you ain't pinning this on me chunky.

Edgar: Crap.

Chloe: Let's go over here- (She grabs his ear and leads him away)

Edgar: OW OW OW!

Chloe: -and talk.

Curtis: Poor Edgar.

Chase: Yeah, on the end of a lecture by an angry Chloe.

Jack: I'll miss him.

Curtis: You think I could have his stuff?

Jack: No. He said I could have it.

Curtis: Awwwwww.

(Jack finishes eating the cake and pockets the rest)

Jack: Okay. I guess we should start looking for Henderson.

Chase: Where should we start?

Curtis: THE HAUNTED AMUSEMENT PARK!

Chase: Why would he be there?

Curtis: 'Cos he's, like, OLD!

Jack: Yeah, so?

Curtis: C'MON! OLD MAN HENDERSON!

Chase: This isn't Scooby Fucking Doo, you know?

Jack: He's gotta be somewhere close. CHLOE! (Chloe comes over) I'm gonna give you Henderson's cell-phone number, and you try

to find out where he is.

Chloe: Always give me the easy work, don't ya, Jack?

Jack: You love me for it. (To Curtis and Chase) We'll drive around, looking for his car. C'MON MEN! (They start to walk off)

Curtis: I still say we check the haunted amusement park.

Jack: SHUT UP!

Chase: Yeah, he won't be there.

-----

Haunted Amusement Park.

-----

Henderson: Why do I feel like I'm in a Scooby Doo cartoon?

Eric: 'Cos this is a creepy abandoned amusement park. What if there's like, ghosts?

Henderson: What are you 10? Ghosts aren't real.

Eric: Wanna bet? This one time, me and Jack were in our back garden, and we saw this creepy guy down the bottom, he had a tv

under his arm. We called out to him but he walked off. When we chased him it was like he had walked through the fence.

Henderson: (Shaking his head) Sometimes I wonder why I help you.

Eric: Maybe because I have domination plans like you.

Henderson: True. (Henderson radios Mandy) Is the link set up?

Mandy: (On Radio) Yeah. The buyers will be ready in 20 minutes.

Henderson: Good, good. Now we wait.

Eric: ...can we use the dodgems?

Henderson: No.

Eric: Awwwwww.

-----

CTU. Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill's phone rings)

Bill: Hello?

Dave: (On Phone) Yo Bill.

Bill: Dave? Where have you been?

Dave: (On Phone) Tailing Eric Bauer, like you asked.

Bill: Oh yeah. I forgot about you.

Dave: (On Phone) Well gee, thanks.

Bill: Sorry. So where is Eric?

Dave: (On Phone) He's in an abandoned amusement park with Henderson and that Mandy woman. Damn she's hot.

Bill: Henderson?

Dave: (On Phone) Yep.

Bill: Stay there. I'll send Jack to you now.

Dave: (On Phone) YAY!!

(Bill hangs up, waits a second, then dials Jack's number)

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Curtis is driving. Chase and Narrator are in the back seat, playing 'Go Fish'. Jack's cellphone rings. He answers)

Jack: Bauer?

Bill: (On Phone) Yeah, Jack. Dave just rang. He's followed Eric to an old amusement park. He says Henderson is there too.

Jack: Wait..He's WHERE?

Bill: (On Phone) The old amusement park.

Jack: Are you shitting me? You better damn well be shitting me.

Bill: (On Phone) There's no shitting going on, Jack. I assure you. (Beep) I gotta go, Jack. That's the other line.

Jack: OK, bye Bill. (Hangs up) Turn right here, Curtis.

Curtis: But the haunted amusement park is down that way.

Jack: I know.

Curtis: But...I was right, wasn't I?

Jack: No..I just gotta hunch.

Curtis: That Henderson's at the haunted amusement park?

Jack: ... Yes.

Curtis: ZORZ!

Chase: What the fuck is ZORZ?

Curtis: STFU n00b, I is teh leet!

Jack: Do you know what he's saying?

Narrator: He said 'Shut the fuck up newbie, I is the elite.'

Jack: Oh... You're not elite.

Curtis: Shup now. I am on Xbox Live.

Chase: That's true. He kicks ass at Halo 2.

Curtis: Damn right.

Jack: But this is REAL life, not some work of fiction. (Everyone ponders this) So stop talking like that.

Curtis: But it's teh roxxor.

Jack: STOP IT!!

Curtis: Awwww.

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe: Hey Edgar.

Edgar: Yeah?

Chloe: Remember that time we put chilli powder in Bill's tea.

Edgar: (Reminiscing) Oh yeah. Wait... That was 2 minutes ago. (Bill is standing over them looking very angry) He seems angry.

Chloe: (Sarcastically) You think.

Edgar: Hey, remember when we took all of the jam out of his Jammy Dodger.

Chloe: That was 2 minutes ago as well.

Edgar: Oh yeah... That jam was good.

Chloe: You can't have jam.

Edgar: Why?

Chloe: 'Cos you're a fat bastard and you won't fit in your suit for the wedding if you eat jam.

Edgar: So? I'll wear this. (Indicates the shirt he is currently wearing)

Chloe: Oh, god no. You will never see me naked if you wear that to our wedding.

Edgar: I've seen you naked already though.

Chloe: WHEN?!

Edgar: Never mind, back to work. (Turns back to computer monitor and types frantically on the keyboard) GO NOW!

Chloe: I'm going. (Walks over to Bill, who is still seething) Hey, Bill. Where's Mr. Chappelle?

Bill: A bar somewhere. No, wait. There he is.

(Chappelle stumbles in, drunk)

Chappelle: FUCK Y'ALL! I'M GOING TO THE OFFICE TO RUB ONE OUT! KIM, COME WITH ME! TAKE OFF THE JACKET!

Kim: HELL NO!

Chappelle: Fine, there are other moderately attractive women here. Where's Dessler?

Bill: At home. Pregnant. With Tony's baby.

Chappelle: FUCK! Fine, Chloe, come here.

Chloe: NO!

Chappelle: Bitch. (Passes out)

Bill: Carry on everyone. Ignore him.

-----

Garage.

-----

(Tony and Logan exit. Tony is checking his ammo)

Tony: 625 Bullets. A new Almeida record.

Logan: Thank you for rescuing me. Whatever you want me to do, name it.

Tony: How 'bout you shut up?

Logan: No. You must have killed 25 people in there.

Tony: (Sniffs) S'what I do. How bout we get you to that airfield, huh?

Logan: Yessir. Hey, nice wheels.

Tony: That's what I said.

(They get into the car Tony took from Bill's parking space)

Tony: Which way do we go?

Logan: I don't know. I never drive.

Tony: Crap. Has this thing got GPS? (Tony looks around and finds the GPS system and turns it on) Hmmm. It says enter current

position. Where the hell are we?

Logan: We are on Wizard Avenue.

Tony: Really?

Logan: There is a sign right there. (He points out of the car window)

Tony: Oh yeah. (He enters it into the GPS) Right, now we need a destination. What is the airfield called?

Logan: Richard Nixon Airstrip.

Tony: Riiiiiiight... (He keys it in)

Female GPS Voice: User error.

Tony: What? I spelt it right. Stupid machine. (He tries again)

Female GPS Voice: User Error.

Tony: It's your error bitch.

Female GPS Voice: User Error.

Tony: Goddammit. (He presses random buttons)

Yoda GPS Voice: User error there was.

Tony: Hehehe Yoda.

Logan: (Raises his hand) Mr. Almeida! Mr. Almeida!

Tony: I'm not letting you out to go to the bathroom.

Logan: No, It's not that this time. I think I can sort out your GPS, sir.

Tony: You know I'm not your teacher, right?

Logan: Yessir, Mr Almeida. Just let me try something. (Fiddles about with GPS controls)

Yoda GPS Voice: Turn left at next junction, you will.

Tony: Awesome. I may not kill you after all. (Laughs)

Logan: (Laughs along with Tony, then stops and thinks about what he said) Hey!

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Narrator: The mood was tense as we drove toward the haunted amusement park. Chase had said something derogatory about

Curtis' mother and they had argued. I was getting real fed up with their childish games.

Jack: You know, Narrator. I regret hiring you.

Narrator: I had lied to my narrator to protect my own feelings of inadequacy.

Jack: Shut the fuck up. Curtis, pull over and let this talkative fucker out.

Curtis: Can do, boss.

(Curtis pulls the SUV over and Narrator is shoved out the door, onto the side of the road)

Narrator: Where am I supposed to go?

Jack: Find someone else to narrate for.

Narrator: But..I like you guys. (He makes puppy dog eyes) Don't leave me.

Curtis: Awwww, look at him. Can we keep him?

Jack: He's not a puppy.

Curtis: Still, can he stay if he narrates for me?

Jack: (Thinking)... Fine. You can stay if you narrate Curtis' life.

Curtis' Narrator: YAY! (He climbs back into the SUV) Thanks.

(Curtis starts to drive again)

Chase: Are we there yet?

Jack: No.

Chase: ... Now?

Jack: No.

Chase: ... I need the toilet.

Jack: Quiet back there. Have some sweets. (He throws some boiled sweets into the back)

Curtis: Dude, what the hell are these? Are you, like, 60?

Jack: No. You want them or not? I got Skittles here as well.

Chase: Ooooohhh, gimme the Skittles.

Jack: Here. (He throws them back)

Curtis: W00t!

Jack: What? Is that some leet again?

Chase: 'Fraid so.

Jack: Goddammmit.

-----

Haunted Amusement Park. Dave's Car.

-----

(Dave had picked up someone on his follow about of Eric)

Wayne Palmer: So who are these guys we been following?

Dave: Jack's brother, his old mentor and some fine-ass bitch.

Wayne: Niiice. If you need to distract her, I'm right here.

Dave: What'll you do to distract her?

Wayne: I'm gonna do what I always do to get fine ass pussy... I'm gonna spit some mad rhymes at her.

Dave: I don't think she'll appreciate you spitting on her very much.

Wayne: It means to rap, Davey boy. I'm gonna serenade her with my sweet sweet skills.

Dave: Mind showing me some of these skills, Wayne?

Wayne: Any specific subject?

Dave: Rap about what you see.

Wayne: Huh, piece of cake.

(A fat woman runs over)

Fat Woman: CAKE?!

Dave: Sorry ma'am, there's no cake.

Fat Woman: Never, EVER, mention cake outside of a diet club.

Wayne: Sorry Miss.

(Fat Woman walks off)

Dave: So..SING FOR ME!

Wayne: Ok... (Singing) I saw a large woman today,

She asked me for cake,

I said noooooo, I have no cake for yooooou.

She seemed angry, but I don't give a crap.

Doo dee doo, dee doo doo doo. (Stops singing) How was that?

Dave: That was... AWESOME!

Wayne: Thanks. Them is the kind of stuff I use to woo women.

Dave: You must get laid all the time.

Wayne: (Lying) Errrr... Hell yeah.

Dave: Sweeeet. (He checks his watch) Jack should be here soon.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

Curtis: There it is.

Jack: I can see that.

Chase: Where is Dave's car?

Curtis: Does he still have that crappy old 1971 Plymouth Duster?

Jack: Yeah. He did get it painted though.

Chase: Oh jesus, is that it? (Points to a lime green car)

Jack: Yep. He said the lime was like his bedroom.

Curtis: Man, no wonder he don't get laid.

Jack: Too true, my brother. (Curtis gives Jack a look) Not that kind of brother.

Curtis: Good.

Chase: Pull over there, Curt.

(Curtis pulls over. Him, Chase and Jack get out of the car and run over to Dave's Duster. Jack knocks on the window)

Jack: DAVE! OPEN UP!

(Dave opens the car door)

Dave: Hey guys. This is my new friend...

Jack: Wayne Palmer. (Extends his hand)

Wayne: (Takes Jack's hand and shakes it) Jack Bauer. I heard about everything you've done for my brother. Except for the

attempt on his life a couple years ago.

Jack: .. Yeah, tell him I'm sorry about that, but I was kinda incapacitated..in hospital..Heart attack.

Chase: Howdy Dave.

Dave: Hey Chase.

(Curtis walks over with his narrator)

Narrator: I felt kinda glad Dave was back. He can once again be the butt of all jokes instead of me.

Dave: Hey it's Curtis!

Curtis: Yo man. Nice to see you hanging with a brother.

(Curtis and Wayne high five)

Curtis: Got any weed man? I'm all out.

Wayne: Hell yeah.

Dave: You had weed and didn't tell me?

Wayne: You never asked.

Curtis: Get that shit out and let's get this party started. (Disco music starts playing)

Jack: STOP! No weed or cheesy disco music.

Wayne: Awwwwww.

Jack: We have to get Henderson and that list he has.

Wayne: Is it an important shopping list?

Jack: No. Now, Chase, you and Curtis head around to the east entrance. Dave and I will take the main gate.

Wayne: No assignment for me? I was a Marine for a while.

Jack: But you never saw any action.

Curtis: LIKE DAVE!

Narrator: Back to how things used to be.

Wayne: C'mon, man. Let me do something.

Jack: You can be lookout. If you see something that looks dangerous for us, make a noise like an orgy of hippos.

Wayne: Like this (Makes a really disturbing, weird sound)

Jack: Exactly.

Chase: LET'S DO THIS! (Runs off)

Dave: We going in without Tony?

Jack: He's assigned to Logan duty.

Curtis: He's cleaning Logan's doodie?

Jack: GUARDING PRESIDENT LOGAN!

Curtis: Oh. That's not as funny.

Jack: Get going and follow Chase.

Curtis: Oh yeah. (He runs off)

Jack: Dave let's go.

Dave: YAYEAH!

(Jack and Dave leave Wayne and the Narrator to keep watch)

Wayne: I could handle myself in the field.

Narrator: I handle MYself in a field. If you know what I mean.

Wayne: Weirdo.

-----

In A Carriage On The Haunted House.

-----

Mandy: This place is scary.

Eric: The effects aren't even switched on.

Mandy: I'm still scared.

Eric: You've killed people you care about in cold blood, and had taken hostages and things, and you're scared of a haunted

house.

Mandy: I have a thing about ghosts.

Henderson: Quiet. I'm about to call the President.

-----

Bill's Car.

-----

(Tony and Logan are singing along to Lose Yourself by Eminem. Logan's phone rings)

Logan: Logan? (Pause) Yes Martha. (Pause) We're on our way now. (Pause) About 4 minutes away. (Pause) He's what? (Pause)

String vest, you say?

Tony: Who's in a string vest?

Logan: (To Tony) Walt Cummings.

Tony: Hehe, Cummings.

Logan: Yes, funny. (Turns his attention back to Martha on the phone) Sweetheart, listen. I will be there in 3 minutes, and

we'll be on our way to Washington. Love you. (Hangs up)

Tony: Back to DC, huh?

Logan: No, Washington State. Got an appearance scheduled in Seattle.

Tony: Ah.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Airfield.

-----

(Tony is sitting on the hood of Bill's Car, making sure Logan gets on the plane)

Logan: I guess this is goodbye, Agent Almeida. If you're ever in DC, gimme a call.

Tony: Just ring up the White House, just like that (Clicks fingers)

Logan: Yeah. (Hugs Tony)

Tony: Please.. Get off me.

Logan: (Stops hugging Tony) Sorry. Till we see each other again. (Walks toward the plane)

Tony: (Under his breath) It'll never happen.

(Cummings and Palmer come over to Tony)

Cummings: Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for bringing Mr Logan back safely. If he'd died, I'd have killed myself.

Palmer: Gay bastard.. So long, Agent Almeida. Tell Jack 'The obvious solution is often the one that is never found.' He'll

know.

Tony: Ummmm, will do, Mr. President.

Cummings: Mr Logan is President, not this large chunk of chocolate man.

Tony: Just leave.

(They walk off)

Tony: At last, rid of that bumbling moron... Now for a nap in my car.

-----

Inside Air Force One.

-----

(Logan's phone rings. He answers it)

Henderson: (On Phone) Hello Mr. President.

Logan: Hi. How are you?

Henderson: (On Phone) Errr.. I'm fine.

Logan: Good good. How is you're wife?

Henderson: (On Phone) Mirriam? She's good...

Logan: Splendid.

Henderson: (On Phone) Wait... Who do you think this is?

Logan: Isn't this Yuri Suvarov?

Henderson: (On Phone) No. It's the man who wants to make a ransom demand.

Logan: Jimmy Shaker?

Henderson: (On Phone) No. Just shut up and listen.

Logan: Right. (Turns to Cummings) Get me a pen and some paper, will ya?

Cummings: YES SIR!

Logan: Nice lad. (Turns attention back to Henderson on phone) Begin.

Henderson: (On Phone) A lady with large breasts will come and dance in front of us.

Logan: Ummm, O..K. Anything else.

Henderson: (On Phone) 95 Dalmations. We already have 6.

Logan: These demands seem a little... out there... if you don't mind me saying, sir. By the way, who do you have that you are

asking a ransom for?

Henderson: (On Phone) WE HAVE YOUR WIFE!

Logan: Nope, she's right in front of me, now. (Waves to his wife) Hi.

Henderson: (On Phone) WE HAVE YOUR DAUGHTER!

Logan: Only got a son. And I wouldn't pay the ransom for him, I tell ya. Ow. Martha, don't kick me.

Henderson: (On Phone) Fine... We have a list of all active undercover CTU agents, and we are willing to sell this to the

highest bidder unless our demands are met.

Logan: Surely you'd much rather have the money than the things you asked for?

Henderson: (On Phone, to Eric) He seems smarter than we suspected. (To Logan) I forgot to mention that we want $15 million.

Logan: Ahhhh, now that's more like a ransom. Hmmm... Can I have a while to think about this?

Henderson: (On Phone) You have 5 minutes. (He puts Logan on hold)

Logan: Ooooh Greensleeves.

-----

Outside of Air Force One. Inside Bill's Car.

-----

(Tony is trying to sleep. A knock on the window awakens him)

Tony: Awwww what the hell. (Walt Cummings is outside) Goddammit. I thought I'd seen the last of him. (He winds the window

down) What now?

Cummings: The President wants to see you.

Tony: But I'm napping.

Cummings: Don't make me force you.

Tony: (Thinking) Oh god no. (He gets up and follows Cummings into the plane) Ooooooohhhh fancy shmancy.

(They enter a room and see Logan nodding to his phone)

Tony: When will the idiocy end. (Logan looks toward him)

Logan: Agent Almeida, I need some information about a man holding me to ransom.

Tony: Is it this guy? (Looks at Pierce) What? Wanna go? (Pierce shakes his head) Good.

Logan: No, it's not Pierce holding me to ransom. It's some man I don't know. All I know about him is that his wife's name is

Miriam.

Tony: Doesn't ring a bell. I'll text Jack. See if he knows. (Takes out his phone and types a text message to Jack) Fucking

predictive text. Send.

-----

Haunted Amusement Park.

-----

(Jack and Dave are sneaking around the back of the fun House. Jack giggles)

Dave: What is it?

Jack: My phone is on vibrate, next to my crotch.

Dave: Shall I get it?

Jack: Hell no! (Takes phone out of his pocket) I got a text message..off Tony. (Reads) 'You know anyone with a wife named

Miriam? He is pressuring the President to meet ransom demands. Colon, Open Bracket!' (Stops reading)

Dave: Miriam?

Jack: That's Henderson's wife. He must have rung the President not long ago. From this amusement park. Better text Tony back.

(Starts texting) Just hope I can get a signal in here.

Dave: Your superphone always gets signal.

Jack: True. (Finishes texting) Send. (Puts phone back in his pocket) Onward, Dave.

-----

Air Force One.

-----

(Tony's text message tone goes off. It's the Happy Days theme song. Everyone stares at him)

Tony: What? You starting again ginge?

Pierce: I said nothing.

Tony: Good. (He checks his text) Sweet. It appears the man you were talking to is Christopher Henderson. The guy who's men

attacked CTU earlier. Should have thought of that really... Hahahaha. Jack made Kirby dance.

Logan: What?

Tony: See? (He shows Logan the message: 'The guy you are talking to is Henderson. We are closing in on him now. Try and stall

him. P.S. Kirby dances. () () () V()V')

Logan: Hehehe... Wait who is this Kirby.

Tony: (Rolls his eyes) Never mind.

Palmer: He is a video game character created by Masahiro Sakurai in 1991 for Nintendo's Game Boy.

Tony: Thanks for that 'Wikipedia'. Just tell him you can get his demands in 1 hour and see what he says.

Logan: Gotcha. (Listens to Greensleeves until Henderson speaks again)

Henderson: (On Phone) Have you made your decision?

Logan: Yes. I will have the items you requested within the hour.

Henderson: (On Phone) Really? No debating or speech on how America doesn't deal with hostage takers blah blah blah?

Logan: Nah. It's nearly nap time.

Henderson: (On Phone) Right, well deliver the items to this address: 337 Hillbear Ave. The disc with the list on it will be

left there for your man to pick up. Any attempt at anything other than those instructions will result in something bad

happening.

Logan: Something bad?

Henderson: (On Phone) Yes. VERY bad.

Logan: Okay. Bye then. (He hangs up)

Tony: Good work Sir.

Logan: Thank you. (A waiter walks over with a tray) Crab Puff?

Tony: Yeah! (Takes a crab puff off the tray)

-----

CTU. Bills Office.

-----

(Chappelle is passed out on a couch, with drawing all over his face. Bill is on the phone)

BILL: Karen, why the hell do we need candles that I'm not allowed to light?... Cos they smell nice isn't a reason... Wouldn't

lighting them make the whole room smell nice?... Yes, the room does smell.. Your bloody dog, I expect... Don't cry...

(Chloe knocks and enters)

Chloe: Mr Buchanan?

Bill: Hold on a second, Karen. (To Chloe) Yes, Chloe?

Chloe: Just came to tell you that Jack, Chase and Curtis have met Dave, and are in position.

Bill: Where's Tony?

Chloe: On Air Force One, dealing with something.

Bill; Thank you Chloe. Go carry on downstairs.

Chloe: Yes sir. (Leaves)

Bill: (Back to Karen) You still crying?... You had some wine...Super... About 10 Thirty, I guess... Oh, the red one? Really?

Sweet. Well, bye honey. Love you. (Hangs up)

(Chappelle starts to stir)

Chappelle: Where am I? (He sees Bill) Fuck. What did I do?

Bill: Relax, your in my office.

Chappelle: We did it in your office? But there's glass windows all around it! Did you close the blinds? Tell me you did.

Bill: We didn't 'do' anything. You passed out after all that drinking you did.

Chappelle: Oh yeah. (He smiles remembering the bar) Wonder if I got that waitress' number? (He checks his pockets and then

sees a number written on his hand. It says 'Call me. Bob') Oh crap.

Bill: Ryan, could you please go shower? You smell really bad.

Chappelle: Sorry. I think I puked on your couch a little.

Bill: Goddammit. Get out.

Chappelle: Right. (He leaves the office and heads onto the main floor)

-----

CTU Mainfloor.

-----

(Edgar is reading a newspaper. Cunningly hidden behind it is a cheesecake. Chappelle walks towards Edgar, hidden from view by

the paper)

Edgar: Sweet Jesus, what is that smell? It nearly puts me off eating.

Chappelle: Nearly?

Edgar: (Whispers to Chappelle as he draws closer) I'm hiding this from Chloe. (Indicates the cheesecake)

Chappelle: Oh right.

Edgar: Wow, you smell sooooo much.

(Kim walks by)

Kim: Edgar, are you sure that cheesecake is in date? 'Cos it smells like something that's died.

Chloe: (Looking up from here desk) Cheesecake?

Chappelle: FINE!! I'LL GO SHOWER!! Jeez. (He heads to the showers)

Bill: Chloe, get those showers cordoned off.

Chloe: But..I'm a girl.

Bill: Scaredy Cat. EDGAR!

Edgar: I'm right in front of you. Don't yell.

Bill: Sorry. Go put a barrier in front of those showers.

Edgar: Goddammit. (Gets up and shuffles off, depressed)

Chloe: You've depressed him now, Bill. When he's depressed, he likes to have his tummy tickled.

Bill: You tell me this, why?

Chloe: (Shrugs) I'unno.

Bill: Right.

Edgar: (Off Screen) OH GOD, PUT IT AWAY!

Chappelle: (Off Screen) LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE.

Bill: I don't even want to know what that's about.

(Spenser Wolf walks over)

Spenser: Hey.

Bill: You're late, go home.

Spenser: Bye. (Leaves)

-----

Haunted Amusement Park. Cafeteria.

-----

(Jack and Dave had been searching the park for Henderson to no avail)

Dave: This sucks. Where could they be?

Jack: Hmmm, If I was an evil terrorist where would I hide?

Dave: Inside a volcano? Ooh ooh, high in the Alps.

Jack: Where would I hide in this park, moron.

Dave: Oh, The Haunted House.

Jack: You think?

Dave: Why not.

(Jack radios Chase and Curtis)

Jack: Have you checked the haunted house?... (Silence) Chase? (Silence) What the hell are they up to? (He sighs) Dave,

find us the haunted house.

-----

Haunted Amusement Park. Go-Kart Track.

-----

(Chase and Curtis a racing around the track. Curtis has gotten stuck against the tire wall)

Curtis: GODDAMMIT!! Not again. (Chase races by, flipping him off) I HATE YOU!! (He hears the radio they had set down make

some noise. He walks off the track and radios Jack)

Jack: (On Radio) What have you guys been doing?

Chase: (Speeding by.) WWWWWWWWAAAAANNNKKKEEEEEERRRRR! (Does acompanying hand gesture.)

Jack: (On Radio) Was that Chase?

Curtis: No. Just some idiot on the go-karts.

Jack: (On Radio) This is an abandoned park.

Curtis: (No Hesitation) Yes, it was Chase. He's in a go-kart.

Jack: (On Radio) Well, get him out, and find the Haunted House. Radio me when you get there. Jack out.

Curtis: CHASE! GET OUT OF THE GO-KART. WE GOTTA FIND THE HAUNTED HOUSE!

Chase: (Pulls up next to Curtis) I'm going in this. Saves walking.

Curtis: Hold up, I'm getting mine too.

Chase: Sweet. (Curtis runs off, and comes back a minute later, driving a go-kart) Hehe, yours is pink.

Curtis: FUSCHIA! Now shut your face and drive, biatch.

Chase: Eat my ... what I guess is asphalt. (Drives off, quickly followed by Curtis)

-----

The Haunted House.

-----

(Eric, Henderson and Mandy had been going around for a while now)

Eric: Can we get out of this place? I'm sick of going around in circles. And Mandy keeps poking me.

Mandy: That's because you keep rubbing my thigh.

Eric: I can't help it if my hands just roam about.

Henderson: Fine. We can go on the teacups.

Eric: YAY!

Mandy: What are you? Six?

Eric: I'm 43. I-

Henderson: Shhhh, I hear someone. (They all listen. As their carriage comes around to the start again, another carriage is

just leaving, in it are Jack and Dave)

Dave: This is gonna be so fun.

Mandy: Hey Eric, it's your brother. (Jack looks around)

Jack: ERIC!! (He and Dave go around a corner) NOOOOOO!!

Henderson: OUT QUICKLY!! (They exit the carriage and go outside and see Chase and Curtis heading towards them, they hide

behind a huge map of the park) Shit... You two draw them away, I have to finish the transfer of the funds.

Eric: Right. (Mandy walks out from behin the sign)

Mandy: THIS WAY MORONS!! (She runs off, into another attraction. Chase and Curtis ditch their karts and run after her)

Eric: Ooooh a go-kart. (He jumps onto Curtis' kart as Jack exits the haunted house) See ya brother. (He drives off. Jack

shoots at him and then pursues in Chase's kart)

Jack: NOT GONNA GET AWAY FROM ME, FUCKER!

Eric: I'LL TELL MOM YOU SWORE AT ME.

Jack: (Drives up next to Eric) BABY! GO CRYING TO MOM EVERYTIME SOMETHING DOESN'T GO YOUR WAY. (HITS ERIC)

Eric: HEY, NO SLAPSIES!

Jack: WHAT YOU GONNA DO, HUH?

Eric: THIS. (Turns steering wheel sharply to the right, turning away from Jack)

Jack: Dill-hole. (Turns, and follows)

-----

House of Mirrors.

-----

(Chase and Curtis run in)

Chase: She came in here.

Curtis: I have eyes, dumbass.

Chase: Sor-ree. Now which way d'ya think .. (Points) .. There she is.

(Curtis looks and sees Mandy, admiring her reflection in the many mirrors)

Mandy: I am sooo HOT! No wonder that creepy old man kept trying to feel me up.

Chase: (Whispering to Curtis) How we gonna capture her?

Curtis: (Whispering.) I know just what to do. (Sneaks off.)

(Curtis sneaks up behind Mandy, and taps her on the shoulder. She turns round)

Mandy: Don't you think I'm hot?

Curtis: Yeah. (Punches Mandy in the face)

Chase: DUDE!

Curtis: What?

Chase: You hit a woman.

Curtis: Some women like that kind of thing.

Chase: Not a full on punch in the face.

Curstis: Hmmm, maybe not. But we caught here right? (They turn towards Mandy) Hey! Where'd she go?

Chase: There! (Pointing) Towards the other exit! (They give pursuit)

-----

Outside A Fun House.

-----

(Henderson is is watching his laptop intently. Dave shoots at him and misses, damaging the laptop)

Dave: FREEZE DIRTBAG!

Henderson: Never. (He runs into the Fun House and jumps into ball pit. Dave runs inside and looks around)

Dave: Wow! he disappeared. Spooky. (He starts to search around)

Henderson: Nearly done, 96 complete... Or is that 69? Damn him shooting the screen.

-----

Dave's Car.

-----

(Wayne Palmer and The narrator are sitting in the car. The narrator has been listening to Wayne's singing)

Narrator: Oh, thank god something is happening.

Wayne: What?-

Narrator: Isn't that Jack? (Eric speeds by them on the go kart)

Wayne: Yeah. (Jack speeds by) There he is again.

Narrator: That's not- Oh, one must have been his brother Eric. He didn't mention them being twins though.

Wayne: Wait... Jack has a brother?

-----

Streets Outside The Amusement Park.

-----

(Jack and Eric are racing along the sidewalk. Eric swerves around an elderly woman. Jack swerves into the road, causing a

car to swerve to avoid him which in turn forces a pedal bike to turn into a fire hydrant. The cyclist clambers to his feet

and shouts abuse at Jack before his bike bursts into flames)

Jack: Well that seemed overly dramatic.

Eric: WHY CAN'T I LOSE YOU?!

Jack: BECAUSE WE ARE IN THE SAME TYPE OF KART!!

Eric: Oh yeah. Damn.

Jack: NOT THE SMARTEST TOOL IN THE SHED, ARE YOU?

Eric: TOOLS HAVE NO SENSE OF SMART!

Jack: THAT'S NOT A SENSE!

Eric: I'M TELLING DAD ON YOU!

Jack: JUST A BIG CHILD, AREN'T YOU!

Eric: AM NOT!

Jack: SEE!?

(Jack bumps Eric into a guardrail along the side of the road. Eric swerves off into the dirt)

Eric: FINALLY, A BREAK!

Jack: DAMMIT! (Heads off in pursuit)

Eric: (Turns to shout at Jack) YOU WON'T CATCH ME, BAUER! I HAVE BETTER TYRES, BUILT FOR THIS TERRAIN!

Jack: THERE'S A CLIFF COMING UP!

Eric: A LIKELY STORY. (Turns back toward the road, where hs sees a big cliff coming towards him) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

(Eric crashes into the cliff face, totalling his kart. Jack pulls up a couple of feet away from the wreckage, gets out of his

kart and surveys the damage)

Jack: Good thing we weren't at the top of the cliff, I guess. Damn these desert cliffs. (Starts to walk towards the wreckage,

but is thrown back by an enormous explosion, which incinerates Eric and the kart. Jack gets up) Crap. Well.. (Takes out his

phone and dials a number) C'mon, c'mon. (A man answers)

Man: (On Phone) Ahoy-hoy?

Jack: Dad, it's Jack. Listen, I got some bad news.

Dad: (On Phone) Did you get an 'F' on your report card?

Jack: Dad, I'm 43. Listen, Eric's been killed. I was unable to stop him. I'm sorry.

Dad: (On Phone) Well, I'm sure you did your best, and that'll do, Jack, that'll do.

-----

House Of Mirrors.

-----

(Chase and Curtis have been laughing at the contorted reflections of the shaped mirrors)

Chase: We really should follow Mandy you know.

Curtis: But she's having fun too. (They both look right and see Mandy looking at a midget-like reflection)

Mandy: Teehee. (She looks at them) Uh-oh. (They all run out of the exit)

Chase: Can't we... just shoot...her?

Curtis: ... Shup now. (They both stop and aim their guns at her)

Curtis: Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnd FIRE! (They both shoot at Mandy. One bullet hits her)

Both: YES!!

Chase: I hit her.

Curtis: Pfft, you couldn't hit her if she was 2 feet in front of you.

Chase: Could so.

Curtis: Could not.

Chase: You're just jealous 'cos I hit her.

Curtis: Am not... Let's just take her back to CTU.

Chase: Fine.

Curtis: I'll let Narrator know we're coming. (Stares into space for a minute) OK, let's go.

-----

Dave's Car.

-----

Narrator: We captured the hot bitch and are headed back to the car.

Wayne: When'd we do that?

Narrator: Nah, Curtis did it just now. He and Chase are headed back now.

Wayne: Right on.

-----

Fun House.

-----

(Dave is still searching around)

Dave: The last place to look is the ball pit, but there could be an anaconda in there. Best empty this cartridge into it

first.

(Dave opens fire on the ball-pit. After a minute, he hears a noise)

Dave: I must have hit the anaconda.

Henderson: (Emerging from the ball-pit) You shot me in the ass, you stupid fucker.

Dave: Snakes can talk?

Henderson: Idiot. (Raises his gun to shoot Dave, but is instead shot by Jack)

Dave: Wow... Thanks.

Jack: You're welcome.

Dave: But how did you get back so fast. Didn't you drive out of the park on those go karts. (Jack shrugs)

Jack: I dunno. Does it matter?

Dave: Not really.

Jack: Then let's go back to CTU.

(Jack takes the laptop and they head back to the cars. Chase and Curtis have Mandy there)

Jack: Good work all round people. It seems this threat is over. Guess it's time for another party back at CTU.

Curtis: WOOOOOO BOOZE AND HOOKERS!!

Chase: No, that's a party at our place.

Curtis: (Disappointed) Oh yeah.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill had been phoned by Jack moments ago and had started preparing for the party)

Edgar: Will there be cake?

Bill: NO CAKE!

Edgar: Awwwwwww.

Bill: You can call Tony and tell him to get back here now. And tell him to tell the president not to worry, that everything

has been sorted out.

Edgar: Can do. (Grabs a phone and dials Tony's number. After a couple rings, Tony answers)

Tony: (On Phone) Yah?

Edgar: Tony, it's me.

Tony: (On Phone) Mom?

Edgar: No, it's Edgar. Jack, Chase and Curtis have dealt with Henderson and Eric, and are on their way back here. We're

having a party for 'em. You coming back?

Tony: (On Phone) Can't. Gotta go home, take care of Michelle. Bitch.

Edgar: That's not very nice.

Tony: (On Phone) Shut the fuck up, fatty. Go stuff your heart with bacon like you usually do. Tubby fucker.

Edgar: MR BUCHANAN! TONY CALLED ME A TUBBY FUCKER.

Chappelle: (Stumbling across the main floor.) Well, you are a tubby fucker. Can't judge a man for telling the truth. (Walks

over to Chloe.) Sup baby. You want some whipped cream? On RYE! I'm Rye.

Chloe: Uh... No.

Chappelle: You'd choose tubby over me?

Chloe: Hell yeah! (She punches Ryan) AND HE'S NOT TUBBY! Just big-boned.

Edgar: YEAH!

Chappelle: Owwwww. That hurt. You punch like a girl.

Chloe: What do you think these are? (She points to her breasts)

Chappelle: Ooooooohhh... (He gets slapped)

Chloe: No staring.

Chappelle: I can't win with you people. I'm going to the canteen. (He walks off)

Bill: Good work Chloe.

Edgar: You deserve a cake. (Hands Chloe a cake)

Chloe: This is half eaten.

Edgar: It was... Bill.

Bill: I can't eat coconut. Gives me a rash on my-

Chloe: Stop there, I don't want to know.

Kim: Is my dad headed back?

Bill: Yes.

Kim: Cool. Because there is someone here to see him.

Bill: Who?

Kim: Said her name was Audrey.

Bill: Hmmm. Just leave her by the entrance.

Kim: Yes sir. (She salutes him and walks away)

Bill: Chloe? Why is she allowed to stay here? She's as thick as... As... Oh god there isn't anything as thick as her. Except

maybe another blonde. (He laughs)

Chloe: I'm blonde.

Bill: I hear someone calling my name. (He walks quickly away)

Chloe: (Under her breath.) Walk away, bitch.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Jack is driving along the road, with Wayne and Chase in the back seat)

Jack: We're almost at CTU, Mr Palmer. Do you want me to drop you off anywhere?

Wayne: Yeah, just here'll be good, Jack.

Jack: Yessir. (Pulls over and Wayne gets out. Jack leans toward the window to speak to Wayne) That'll be 20 bucks.

Wayne: Haha, good one Jack.

Jack: 20 bucks gas money, having to cart your ass around.

Wayne: And if I don't pay?

Jack: I'll shoot you. (Stares seriously at Wayne, then starts laughing) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, (Suddenly serious) 20 BUCKS!

Wayne: Here's 50, keep the change.

Jack: I'm not a taxi, Mr Palmer. (Speeds off, splashing Wayne with a puddle of water)

Wayne: It's not even been raining. How'd you splash me?

Chase: HE'S JACK MOTHERFUCKIN' BAUER!!

Wayne: Oh yeah. My bad.

-----

Dave's Car.

-----

(Dave is driving with Curtis and the Narrator in the back)

Curtis: Dave, whay are there no seatbelts in the back?

Dave: Because Chase cut them out to use in a prank.

Curtis: That's what those restraints were.

Dave: Yep.

Curtis: If the cops pull you over you're screwed.

Dave: I just say we used them to tie up a federal prisoner.

Curtis: Speaking of prisoner, where's Mandy?

Dave: She's in the boot of Jack's SUV.

Curtis: Nice. Is she tied up?

Dave: Yeah.

Curtis: Mmmmmmm...

Narrator: I wanted to wack one off but was afraid that Dave would get angry at me messing up his car.

Dave: That I would.

Curtis: Damn.

-----

CTU.

-----

(A Phone Rings. Bill answers it)

Bill: CTU, Buchanan.

Jack: (On Phone) We're about to pull into the parking lot now.

Bill: Righty O, Jack. We'll be waiting. See you in a bit. (Hangs up) CHLOE! GRAB THE BANNER! THEY'RE ABOUT TO ENTER THE

PARKING LOT! EVERYONE, FOLLOW ME! (Runs out, followed by most of the other CTU employees, except Chloe and Edgar)

Edgar: Do we have to run?

Chloe: No, sweetie. Let him wait for his banner.

Edgar: Sweet.

-----

Parking Lot.

-----

(Jack's SUV pulls into an empty space. Chase gets out and releases Mandy from the trunk)

Chase: (Handing Mandy to a security guard) Toss her in holding. Hose her down a bit.

Guard: CAN DO! (Walks off, with Mandy in tow)

Chase: Good lad.

(Jack exits his SUV)

Kim: DADDY! (Runs to Jack)

Jack: Hello, sweetheart. (Hugs Kim)

Effeminate Looking Male CTU Employee: DADDY! (Runs to Jack)

Jack: WHOA! Who the hell are you?

E.L.M.CTU.E: Ummmm, your son?

Jack: (Stares at E.L.M.CTU.E for a minute) Get the fuck out of my way. (Pushes him over)

Bill: (Walks over and shakes Jack's hand) Good work, Jack. We made you a banner. Hold it up, guys.

(2 unimportant CTU employees standing on ladders hold the banner up. It reads 'Congratulations on ANOTHER successful mission,

Zack!')

Jack: Who the fuck is Zack?

Bill: 'Scuse me?

Jack: It says Zack. (Points)

Bill: (Looks at the banner) Goddammit, Kim. Didn't you check this?

Kim: Isn't it Zack?

Bill: You don't know your own father's name?

Kim: It's Daddy.

Bill: (To Jack) Was she oxygen starved at birth?

Jack: (Shrugs) I'unno. (Looks around) There's Dave's car. When they pull up, let's all just go inside and have some food.

Edgar: Sounds good to me.

(Everyone Laughs)

Bill: (While laughing) Oh, that Edgar cracks me up. Inside everybody.

(Everybody heads inside, while Dave's car pulls up and Dave, Curtis and Narrator exit)

Dave: (Notices banner.) Who's Zack?

Jack: Shut up and go inside.

Dave: Yes sir, Mr Bauer.

(Dave heads inside with Curtis and Narrator, leaving Jack standing on his own outside CTU)

Jack: (Exhales deeply) I wonder if there's hotdogs? (Walks inside)

-----

Clock. End Credits.

-----

(The 24: Parody logo shows and a phone is heard dialing. A voice answers)

Voice: Yes, it is all done... No, no-one knows a thing... The list?... I sent it to your tech guy in Paris... As for the

money we can now fund our project... The Missiles? They are being acquired now... Right, I will keep you informed.

(The phone is put down and another number is dialed)

Voice: Hello Sir... Yes, I sent them the false list... They still don't know who I am, or how far this goes... CTU?... They

did a good job as usual. They were most helpful in taking out Henderson and his lot... I trust you will take care of them

when the time comes?... Good. I'll let you get back to work... Mr. President.


	7. A Logan Christmas Short

A Logan Christmas: A 24 Parody Short.

Logan's Voiceover: The following takes place between the time when both hands are on the 12 and when the big hand is on the 12 and the small hand is on the 1.

(The Logan family and close friends are having a Christmas dinner at the Presidential retreat in Los Angeles. They are all sat around a large oval dining table awaiting the meal)

Logan: That young waiter said the food would be here in when the big hand reaches the 's' shaped number.  
Novick: That's 25 past Sir. It is only 24 past.  
Logan: You'd have thought we would have better staff than this, with me being the President and all... Pierce, go and interrogate that waiter.  
Pierce: Errrr... Yes Sir. (He gets up and walks into the kitchen area) The President wants me to interrogate someone.

(The kitchen staff looked worried)

Head Chef: Tell him the meal is ready now. (Pierce leaves the kitchen) Stupid President.  
Assistant Cook: Careful, Marco. Remember you're blood pressure.  
Marco: Hardly gonna forget it, am I? Dumbass. YOU TWO! (Points to two waiters) TAKE THIS SOUP INTO THE DINING HALL, AT ONCE!  
Waiter 1: Yessir. (Grabs a tray with three bowls on, salutes and walks off)  
Waiter 2: Can do, sir. (Picks up another tray with 3 bowls on and starts to walk off without saluting)  
Marco: YOU SHOW ME DISRESPECT, JULIO?  
Julio: (Close to tears) Oh god, I'm so sorry, sir. Please don't put me in a broth. (Salutes and leaves)

(We follow Julio as he goes from the kitchen to the dining hall. The first waiter has already given his three bowls to Logan,  
Martha and Walt. Julio gives his three bowls to Pierce, Novick and David Palmer. Wayne Palmer gets annoyed)

Wayne: Why you making a brother wait for soup? Who's in charge of who gets soup, Michael Richards?  
Logan: Funny man, that Michael Richards. I love Kramer.  
Wayne: Shut up.  
David: Wayne, hush.  
Novick: I'm sure there was only room for 3 soups on the tray. (They all see that the tray is much larger than 3 soup bowls)  
Wayne: Yeah, you all see that. (He rises) I'm gonna go Marine on that chef's ass. (He walks into the kitchen) Where's the head chef?  
Marco: That's me.  
Wayne: Where is my food?  
Marco: Oh... I was supposed to be making that, due to the special flavour you like.  
Wayne: Leek? That's not special, Novick had it. Stop stalling and gimme my soup.  
Marco: If you would go back to the table I will bring it in when it is ready.  
Wayne: You better. (He stares at Marco)  
Marco: What? Do I have something on me?  
Wayne: I recognise you from somewhere.  
Marco: ...No you don't.  
Wayne: Sure I do... Were you in the marines?  
Marco: No.  
Wayne: Hmmmmmm... (A smile spreads across his face) Wait! You're Casey Ryback right?  
Marco: .  
Wayne: Man, you are a legend in the marine corp. What with killing all of those terrorists on the USS Missouri single handedly.  
Marco: Wasn't me, dude.  
Wayne: It was, You kicked some much ass. Man, you and Jack Bauer, he's this guy I know. Also hates terrorists. You guys'd get along so fucking well.

(Marco grabs a hold of Wayne's throat and forces him against the wall)

Marco: Jack Bauer's a fucking pansy compared to me, got that, motherfucker? Now you're gonna go back in there, sit down and explain that there was a delay with your soup, and if you so much as mention this to any of them, I'll know. And I'll come in there, smash you're head in with a turkey leg, and take out your intestines through your ass with a spoon. Got it?  
Wayne: (Terrified) Yes sir.

(Marco lets go of Wayne's throat. Wayne walks back into the dining hall, and sits back down at his seat, staring straight ahead)

Martha: Are you alright, Wayne?  
Wayne: (Monotone) Just peachy. There was a delay with my soup. It'll be out in a minute.  
David: Your palms are sweating.  
Wayne: It's like a sauna in there.  
Pierce: Hmmmm.

(Julio come back out with another tray. This has Wayne's soup and a bowl of fortune cookies. Everyone takes a cookie, Wayne has the last one)

Julio: These are personally written by the chef.  
Logan: Ahhh, splendid. (He opens his) 'You will have good day. Many women. Fun fun fun'  
Julio: Errr, he said he tried to make them seem like authentic Chinese cookies.  
Martha: You are not having 'many women' Charles.  
Logan: But what if it's supposed to come true?  
Martha: No.  
Logan: Awwwwww.  
Walt: 'You love many men. Alll night long. May get tired.' I'm not gay... (He looks around shiftily)  
Pierce: 'You hurt someone. Very bad. But it for good reason.' I do like to hurt people.

(Wayne reads his, 'This more warning. No tell others. I break legs.')

David: What does your's say Wayne?  
Wayne: Umm, it says 'Your mother angry. Buy gift, be good son'  
David: Did you forget mom's birthday?  
Wayne: I gave Sandra money to get her something from me. She probably just bought alcohol with it.  
Logan: Fantastic. Martha, what does your's say?  
Martha: 'Secret love reveal itself at wrong time.' (Glances nervously at Pierce)  
Logan: Are you having an affair?  
Martha: Don't be stupid, I love you, Charles.  
Walt: I love you too sir. In a 'Boss/Employee' kind of way.  
David: (Aside to Mike) Yeah right. (Novick starts to laugh, but keeps it to himself)  
Logan: Mike? Something funny?  
Mike: My cookie. It says 'You will lose your hair in a bizzare smelting accident.' These things are bogus, sir.  
Logan: That may be so, but I enjoy them. And stay away from any smelters. David, you're the last one.  
David: 'Ex love will re-enter your life.' I have one ex, and she's dead.  
Wayne: It might not mean Sherry. Might mean that doctor lady you were seeing. The one who lied under oath.  
David: She didn't lie.  
Wayne: Whatever, just saying, it could mean her.

(The kitchen doors open and a cart is rolled in by Marco)

Marco: Hope you enjoyed the starter. Because here is the main course. (He takes off a lid to reveal a Turkey on a platter. It 'gobbles' at Novick.  
Novick: Sweet Jesus.  
Marco: Hmmm... Seems under cooked. (Everyone gives fake laughter) ...I'll get the real turkey. (He walks into the kitchen with the cart)  
Assistant Cook: How did it go?  
Marco: They shot me down. The bastards.

(The Assistant Cook dives behind some boxes and takes up the foetal position)

Marco: What are you doing?  
Assistant Cook: I don't want to get hurt.  
Marco: Goddammit. You only get hurt if YOU do something wrong.  
Assistant Cook: Oh, good. (He stands up and gets knocked down by a flying ladle to his head)  
Marco: That's for not having the real turkey ready yet.  
Assistant Cook: (Groggily) It's over there, next to the other you. (He passes out)  
Marco: (Looks around) Oh yeah.

(Meanwhile, Everyone at the table is discussing the gifts they gave and recieved earlier in the morning)

Wayne: My brother here got me a diary. Why a diary brother?  
David: So you can write down your thoughts and experiences of the day.  
Wayne: That's why I have a blog. Walt: Everyone has a blog.  
Logan: I can't use a computer, and I have a blog.  
David: This blog thing must have sprung up over night.  
Novick: It's 2010, Sir. Blogs have been around for most of the past 10 years.  
Martha: Can we stop saying blog, please?  
Walt: Very well. I got a lovely pen set of The President for my hard work this year.  
Logan: Yes, he's been very dutiful. Except for when we travel abroad and he messes up the hotel bookings and we have to share a bed.

(David Palmer gives Novick a look)

Martha: Charles gave me a signed first edition of The Hobbit. It's my favourite book. It must have taken you ages to track down.  
Logan: Well, you're worth it, Marty. (They kiss, getting more and more passionate by the second. Martha whispers something in his ear) Right now? (Martha nods. Logan turns to other diners) We won't be long. (He and Martha get up and leave the room)

Pierce: I'm suddenly not very hungry.  
Walt: (Under his breath) That bitch.  
David: What was that Walt?  
Walt: I said, I have 'damn itch'. (He fakes scratching his back)  
Novick: What about your gifts Pierce?  
Pierce: I gave Mike a new wig. Show them Mike.  
Novick: I... Errrrrr.  
Pierce: What is it?  
Wayne: Man, he sold that shit. Or returned it for store credit.  
Novick: No, I put it away... for safe keeping.

(Pierce stares accusingly at Novick)

Walt: What did your brother get you David?  
David: He got me a CD.  
Walt: Ooooh, of who?  
David: ...Himself.  
wayne: That's right, I made my gift. All you suckers paid for yours.  
Novick: Do you have recording equipment in your house Wayne?  
Wayne: No man. I had to borrow this place on 5th.  
Pierce: Didn't that cost you money?  
Wayne: (He opens his mouth and and then looks confused) Awwwwww shit. You're right.  
Pierce: So, you owe some guy money?  
Wayne: Sounds about right.  
David: This the same guy who nearly broke your legs the last time, till I paid him off?  
Wayne: Nah, man. This one is Claude.

(The Logan's re-enter the room. Martha looks unhappy. David Palmer notices this and gestures something to Novick)

Logan: Who's Claude.  
Novick: Some man that Wayne owes money too.  
Logan: The one who nearly broke his legs?  
Pierce: No, this is a new guy.  
Wayne: Can we stop talking about my debts, please?  
Martha: It'll be over before you know it. Like Charles.

(Everybody laughs)

Pierce: It's like Married, With Children.  
Logan: (Confused) We are married, Aaron.  
Pierce: It's a television show, sir. Ran from 1987, to 1997. Many jokes of a sexual nature. Was about a downtrodden shoe salesman, played excellently by Ed O'Niell.  
Logan: I still don't understand.  
Novick: No-one expects you too, sir.

(A waiter enters, carrying a cordless telephone)

Waiter: Telephone for you, sir.  
Logan: What an odd dish. You can't expect me to eat this?  
Waiter: Errr, there is someone on the other end Sir.  
Logan: Ahhh, a call. Why didn't you say so?  
Waiter: I'm sorry Sir. (Logan takes the phone and the waiter walks back to the kitchen) How did he become President? Must have been rigged.  
Logan: Hello?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Is this Mr. Logan President?  
Logan: Yes. (He whispers to the crowd) It seems to be a drunk man.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Good. This is Ryan Chappelle.  
Logan: The disfigured chap?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) GODDAMMIT!! Why does everyone remind me of that? All I wanna do is drink and have sex. But the women,  
they say 'Oh, get away from me you freak.' Or, or 'Oh my god, look at your face.' And 'Can you sign my shirt Frankenstein'  
It fucking pisses me off.  
Logan: Sooooo... How did you get this number?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Some woman at your office gave it to me. After much arguing.  
Logan: I thought she was trained to resist torture.  
Chappelle: (On Phone, sighing) I stared at her and threatened to kiss her.  
Logan: Oh. Poor Sally. I mean-  
Chappelle: (On Phone) F YOU MAN. I don't need this from you. Even if you are some leader of some place... Is this The Burger King... If not can you put him on? (A crash is heard on the other end)  
Logan: Hello? (He hears snoring and hangs up) Must be a great party he is having.

(Shows a scene of Chappelle passed out on a couch, surrounded by beer bottles and sex magazines. Written on one is 'I am so lonely')

Martha: Who was it?  
Logan: Ryan Chappelle.

(David Palmer looks around nervously when he hears this)

Wayne: Didn't you give the order to have him killed, David?  
David: Yes. Jack Bauer was supposed to do it. Just proves the old saying.  
Logan: What saying is that?  
David: If you want something done right, do it yourself.  
Logan: Things always go wrong when I do them. They should change that saying. Walt, get the saying people on the phone, have them change that saying.  
Walt: Sir, that saying is over hundreds of years old. Plus, changing it may alienate voters. You already lost the hispanic vote for that press conference on the 5th of May.  
Logan: It wasn't that bad, don't exaggerate.  
Walt: You wore a sombrero, shot a gun at the ceiling, shouted 'ARIBA!' and downed a bottle of tequila before shouting 'HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO! VIVE LA MEXICO'  
Logan: Well, what should I do to celebrate Cinco De Mayo? PRAY? That's just not me, Walt.  
Novick: I told him to do the baby greeting but he wouldn't have it.  
Logan: A baby puked on me last time Mike, I hate that.

(Just then a masked man burst inside)

Masked Man: FREEZE!  
Logan: It is a bit chilly in here. (Upon seeing the man had a gun) Oh, I see what you mean.  
Masked Man: Is Mr. Logan here?  
Logan: Yes. That's me. (He waves)

(The masked man approaches Logan)

Masked Man: Then let's PARTY! (He begins to strip)  
Logan: What is this?  
Walt: It's the stripper you wanted Sir.  
Logan: I wanted a FEmale stripper... After Martha leaves to see Evelyn.  
Walt: Ohhhh... Mr. Stripper?  
Stripper: Yes?  
Walt: Come with me, I'll escort you out.  
Stripper: Awwwww...

(They both leave)

Pierce: He'll be gone a while.  
Mike: Haha yeah.  
Wayne: That poor stripper. Won't see it coming.

(Mike and Pierce laugh and Wayne raises his hand to Logan for a high-five)

Logan: You don't need permission to go to the bathroom you know. You're not 5.  
Wayne: Just slap my hand.

(Logan slaps Wayne's hand)

Logan: That was kinda fun. Let's do it again. (Raises hand)  
Wayne: There's no point.  
Logan: You sound like Martha on our wedding night.  
Wayne: Aw man, you earned this.

(High fives Logan. Martha hits Logan)

Martha: You shut up about our personal life.  
Logan: Martha, these are our friends and peers. They're not going to tell anyone about anything. Or I, as President, will sanction their deaths.

(Novick, Pierce, David and Wayne all gulp)

David: So, where's the turkey?  
Novick: I'll go find out.

(Mike stands up from his chair and walks to the kitchen. He taps Marco on the shoulder, and he turns around with a big cleaver in his hand)

Marco: WHAT!  
Novick: I just wanted to find out how long it will be until the Turkey is ready.  
Marco: IT WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE LONGER THAN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD YOU NOT COME AND STUCK YOUR BALD FACE INTO MY BUSINESS!  
Novick: I don't think childish insults are necessary here.  
Marco: I DON'T THINK YOUR FINGERS ARE NECESSARY. YOU WISH ME TO TAKE THEM?  
Novick: (Gulps) ...No, that will be fine. I'll inform the others that the turkey will be out, post haste.  
Marco: YOU DO THAT! AND REMEMBER, YOU ARE ON MY LIST!

(Novick walks out of the kitchen and back to the table. He takes his seat between David and Wayne)

Novick: Everyone, the turkey will be out shortly. (Leans in to whisper something to Wayne) That chef is crazy.  
Wayne: He got mad at you too.  
Novick: He threatened to cut my fingers off with a cleaver. And now I'm on some sort of list.  
Wayne: You think we should inform the President that it appears he has hired a maniac?  
Novick: Not right now. He'll insist on fixing the problem here and now, and a bloodbath will ensue.  
Wayne: I saw one of them once.  
Novick: What?  
Wayne: A bath of blood.  
Novick: ... (He stares at Wayne, wide-eyed)  
Wayne: It was in a film.  
Novick: Oh good.

(Marco enters with the cooked turkey)

Logan: At last. Took you long enough.

(Wayne and Novick look tense)

Marco: I'm very sorry Sir. I will personally hit the chef responsible. But please, enjoy your meal. (He turns and shouts to his assistant) JERRY! I WANT A WORD!  
Wayne: Poor poor man.

(Logan stands and takes his place over the turkey)

Logan: Now. How do I cut this?  
Pierce: Allow me Sir.  
Logan: Uh uh. I would like this honour Pierce.  
Martha: Charles, remember what happened last time you cut the turkey.  
Logan: Oh. Cousin Larry lost his eye. (He returns to his seat) You can have the honour Pierce.  
Pierce: (Enthusiastically) Yessir. (He rises and takes up the carving knife) Do I have to make a speech?  
Novick: Yep.  
Pierce: I'm not a good public speaker... (He holds up a glass of wine) Thank you, thank you so much. You know through all my ups and downs, I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar. But tonight I realized what's really important is to win two Oscars. I'm kidding I'm kidding. What really matters is that people care about you, whether it's a whole crowd or just one die hard fan. (Logan is tearing up) I care about all of you. 'Cept maybe Walt. And I'm glad to be here with you all today. Thank you. Let's eat.  
Wayne: That speech seems familiar.  
Novick: That's because it's taken from Futurama. He's been wanting to use it somewhere since he saw it.  
Logan: (Points accusingly at Pierce) THIEF!  
Martha: Quiet, Charles.  
Wayne: Let the man speak.  
Pierce: Please don't make me say anymore.  
Logan: Fine, you're accused.  
Novick: (Correcting) Excused, Mr President.  
Logan: Yes, toilet's down the corridor, to the right, Mike.  
Novick: No, I mean, you should have said 'Excused', instead of 'Accused.  
Logan: There's a difference?  
David: Pretty big one, I reckon.  
Logan: Shut up, you. At least I can control my wife.  
David: You wanna throw hands? Cos I will throw hands. GOOD hands!

(Martha stands up)

Martha: Boys, let's just eat the damn turkey.  
Logan: Fine. Dear. (He stares at David) We can finish this later.

(Pierce carves and dishes out the turkey to all around the table and they eat their meals)

Pierce: This is damn good turkey.

(In the kitchen Marco is listening to the table via a device placed within the turkey)

Marco: Yes! They like the turkey.  
Assistant: How do you know?  
Marco: I can lipread.  
Assistant: You're not even looking through the window.  
Marco: Is the dessert ready?  
Assistant: No.  
Marco: .  
Assistant: Oh... (He walks away)  
Marco: Hope no-one finds the mic.

(Wayne is chewing on a leg bone and sees something odd)

Wayne: Hey what is this? (He takes it out and looks at it) Hmmm, looks odd. (He bangs it against the table. A cry is heard from the kitchen)  
Marco: (In Kitchen) OOWWWW. My ear.  
Logan: Ahhhh, marvelous. Wayne seems to have found the hidden present.  
Pierce: Sir, it looks like a listening device.  
Marco: (In Kitchen) Shit, he's onto me.  
Logan: Well, get rid of it then.  
Wayne: Gladly. But first. (He shouts into the mic) I HATE YOU!  
Marco: (In Kitchen) OOWWWWWW!! Why didn't I take this earphones out?  
Wayne: I'm part glad I did that, and part terrified for my life.  
Novick: I'll be honored to speak at your funeral.  
Wayne: Shup you. You betrayed my brother.  
Novick: I thought that was all behind us.  
Wayne: I'm like an elephant, man.  
Walt: Shut up and eat, goddammit.

(They all begin to eat. After 15 minutes, they all put down their knives and forks, and sigh in contentment)

Logan: I am stuffed.  
Walt: Dessert is still to come, sir.  
Logan: Urgh, too much food. Mike, go tell Marco that I won't be having any dessert.  
Novick: Bit late for that sir. He's here now.

(Marco wheels over a huge cart, with 7 different desserts on it)

Marco: I have prepared each of you a special, individual dessert. Don't try to swap with anyone else, 'cos I will know.  
Martha: How will you know?  
Marco: All of you have a different food allergy, so I took the liberty of making your individual dessert with all 7 ingredients, minus the one each person is allergic to. For example, you, Mr President, are allergic to cashews, therefore,  
all desserts except yours have cashews in. Mr Novick, the same for you and banana.  
Logan: This seems very over the top.  
Marco: Yes, maybe a bit. (Hands out desserts) Bon Apetit. (Goes into kitchen)  
David: (Whispering) Who's up for some Ben and Jerry's? My treat)

(Everybody whispers in agreement. Mike's cellphone rings)

Novick: Hold on a sec. (Answers phone.) Yes? .. What you mean 'captured'? .. The Chinese? .. How long ago? .. And you are absolutely sure?.. Ok, thank you, Bill. (Hangs up) Mr. President. Bill Buchanan of Los Angeles CTU just informed me that Jack Bauer was captured by the Chinese about 90 minutes ago, whilst on a holiday with his family.  
Logan: Oh. Is anything being done about it?  
Novick: Well, key employees of CTU are being called in to aid the search. They hope to locate Bauer soon. But, if he's already on the way to China, we will need to be prepared to pay a huge price to bring him back.  
Logan: A huge price? Maybe a ransom? Like... 1 million dollars? (He puts his little finger to the side of his mouth)  
Novick: Errr Sir, that's not really a huge price.  
Wayne: Man, I got 1 mil on me right now.  
Logan: Then how much?  
Novick: We are talking... In the hundreds of millions of dollars (Puts his little finger to the side of his mouth. Everyone lets out a gasp)

-  
Clock. End Credits.  
----- 


	8. My 2 Shorts

These are two shorts written solely by me, without my usual writing partner. Chapter 9 contains my partners seperate ones. These are shorts about the main Parody characters and their festive breaks from saving LA. Enjoy : )

24: The London Parody Short. With Jack, Chase & Kim.

Jack: The following takes place between 9 pm and... Wait, it's a different timezone over here... Crap.

-  
Somewhere In London.  
-----

(Jack, Chase & Kim are walking along a street. Jack is holding a large map)

Jack: I have no idea where we are.  
Chase: I thought you were good at reading maps Dad.  
Jack: 1, this is a foreign map. And 2, I'm still not used to you calling me dad.  
Kim: Hey, it's one of those red guard people.  
Jack: The ones that don't move at all?  
Kim: Yes. It's because they are asleep.  
Jack: Errr, okay honey.

(They approach the guard. He looks like he is new at the job. Kim waves her hand in front of him)

Kim: Yep. He's asleep.

(Jack approaches the guard)

Jack: Can you tell me where we are? (No response) Worth a try I guess.  
Chase: Hey Jack, take a photo of me and Kim with this guy.  
Kim: But I want all of us in the picture.  
Jack: If all of us are in it, who will use the camera?  
Kim: Oh... (She points to a passer-by) That guy.  
That Guy: What?  
Jack: Can you take a picture of us with this guard.  
That Guy: (With a shifty look on his face) Alright.  
Jack: (Quietly to That Guy) If you try and steal this I will hunt you down, shove a wet towel down your throat and pull out your stomach. (That Guy looks scared now) Good. (Jack walks over to the guard and stands on his left. Chase is on the right and Kim is in the middle)  
Chase: That Guy looks scared Jack, what did you say to him.  
Jack: I didn't threaten him.  
Chase: Like you didn't threaten that taxi driver?  
Jack: He kept trying to talk about his children.  
Chase: He's a taxi driver, it's what they do to tourists. Besides, the 'wet towel' thing is a bit extreme, and old.  
Jack: Just smile for the camera.

(They all smile for the camera and That Guy takes the photo)

Jack: Thanks. Now hand it over. (That Guy does so) Thank you. You may go. (That Guy runs off)  
Kim: HEY! (She steps away from the guard)  
Chase: What is it?  
Kim: That guard touched my ass.  
Chase: WHAT?! Bastard. (He rolls up his sleeves) Come on. Bring it. (He punches the guard, knocking him to the ground. Jack grabs Chase and leads him away)  
Jack: (Chastising Chase) Bad Chase. No. No.  
Chase: But he-  
Kim: HEY!  
Chase: Not again.

(Jack and Chase look at Kim. No-one is near her)

Kim: He did it again.  
Jack: He's unconsious, he couldn't have.

(Kim looks behind herself)

Kim: Ohhhh, it's my bag brushing against me. Hehe.  
Jack: Sweet Jesus.  
Chase: Guess I owe that guard an apology huh. (He walks over to the guard who is slowly coming to)  
Guard: What happened?  
Chase: I accidently punched you.  
Jack: Accidentally?  
Chase: (Waves Jack off) Shhhhh. (To the Guard) Are you okay?  
Guard: I was happily asleep and then I wake up, hurt, on the ground.  
Jack: Wait, asleep?  
Guard: Yeah.  
Kim: Told you.  
Chase: Wow.  
Jack: What?  
Chase: Kim was right about something.  
Jack: Oh God. I need a drink. Let's go.

(They all head off along the street again and soon find themselves at Maddame Tussauds)

Kim: Ooooooh, it's that place with all them famous people inside.  
Chase: The ones made of wax?  
Kim: Wax?  
Jack: Never mind. Go inside.

(They head inside and wander around. Pointing and taking photos of the stars. Jack stops at one, looking thoughtful)

Chase: What it is Jack?  
Jack: I have an odd feeling that I've met this person before, like I know him.  
Chase: (Reading the name plaque) Donald Sutherland. Hmmm. I don't recognise him.  
Jack: Oh well. Maybe it's just a feeling of Deja Vu.  
Chase: Maybe. Hey, there's Tom Cruise. Stupid scientologist. (He shakes his fist at the waxwork)  
Jack: Wheres Kim?  
Chase: I'unno. (They search around and find her talking to Marilyn Monroe)  
Kim: So I was like, Chloe, that dress doesn't flatter you at all. And she was like, Edgar likes it so I don't care what you think. But I think she does care because the next day she came in wearing some totally new clothes.  
Chase: Wow.  
Jack: I know.  
Chase: Marilyn Monroe was hot.  
Jack: I have no idea where she gets it from.  
Chase: Her mother probably. I think she was hot too.  
Jack: What are you saying about my wife?  
Chase: Huh? What?  
Jack: You said her mother was hot.  
Chase: Yeah, so people said.  
Jack: What people?  
Chase: I don't know what people. Why are you so defensive of her?  
Jack: Duh, 'cos she's my daughter.  
Chase: Marilyn Monroe was your daughter?  
Jack: Huh? What?  
Chase: I'm so confused.  
Jack: Me too. Let's just go for a drink somewhere.  
Kim: ...And he was like, I don't dance that badly, and I told him he danced like an injured emu and he got offended... (Chase grabs her arm)  
Chase: Let's go.  
Kim: (Calling out to Marilyn) Call me, we can talk more.

(They exit the wax museum and carry on down the street. They then enter a building. Around the rear of the building 3 men exit a black SUV and enter the building using a rear entrance)

-  
Ye Olde English Pubbe.  
-----

(Jack, Chase and Kim are inside having a rest and a drink. Chase is laughing)

Jack: It isn't that funny.  
Chase: But it's nearly 'Ye olde english PUBE'  
Jack: You spent WAAAAY too much time living with Curtis.  
Chase: Maybe you're right. It was fun though. (He looks reminiscent)  
Jack: Go and buy the next round. I need to use the bathroom.  
Chase: I bought the first round.  
Jack: So... (He walks off to the bathrooms) Where the hell are they? (A man walks out of a door and past Jack. There is a sign on the closing door 'Men') Guess this is the right one. He enters and starts to use the urinals. Two men enter and stand either side of him. Jack finishes and tries to turn but one of the men grabs hold of him) Fool. (Jack elbows the second man in the ribs and then follows through on the first mans face. He then knees the second man in the face as he is keeled over,  
knocking him to the ground. He instinctively ducks an incoming punch and slams the man's head against the wall. Both men were now down for the count) That was fun and refreshing. (He turns to the door to see a chinese man with a gun) Well, that's just unfair. (The man shoots Jack)

-  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----

(Chase has drunken half of his second drink)

Chase: Where the hell is Jack?  
Kim: He went to the restroom, remember?  
Chase: Stay here, I'm going to see where he is. (He rises and heads to the toilets) Jack? (He enters the door with 'Men' on it) Oh no. (He sees blood on the wall and floor) He searches for another way outside. And exits into an alleyway. Looking left then right he spots an SUV turning a corner) Oh man. (He returns to Kim)  
Kim: A man left this for you.  
Chase: What is it?  
Kim: It's some kind of note.  
Chase: What did the guy look like?  
Kim: Hmmm, think he was Chinese.

(Chase reads the note: 'For crimes against our nation, we have taken Jack Bauer. If you want him back... Tough.' He crumples the note)

Chase: Bastards. At least he isn't dead.

-  
SUV.  
-----

(Jack is woken by one of the men. He is chained and cannot move much)

Jack: Is this hell?  
Chinese Man: No.  
Jack: Oh. Then who are you?  
Chinese Man: My name is Cheng Zi.  
Jack: Catchy. So why have you kidknapped me? Ransom? Terrorism? Or is this another of Chase's pranks? 'Cos if it is it's pretty good.  
Cheng: We are not associated with Chase Edmonds. And we have our reasons.  
Jack: Such as.  
Cheng: I will tell you in due time.  
Jack: But I want to know now.  
Cheng: Well, you can't.  
Jack: Damn. Hey, couldn't you have taken me after my holiday was over? Maybe at the airport or something? I hadn't been on the London Eye yet.  
Cheng: It's over rated.  
Jack: Really?  
Cheng: I don't know. Look, just know this. You won't be seeing anyone you know for a long time.  
Jack: How long?  
Cheng: About 6 months.  
Jack: Well, that's not nice, I have alot of work to do at the office.  
Cheng: I'm sure your friends will do that for you. Now go back to sleep.  
Jack: Okay, fine. (He lays down and is shot with a tranquilizer again) Mmmmmm...

-  
Ye Olde English Pubbe.  
-----

(Chase is trying to think what to do when his phone rings)

Chase: Chase Edmonds.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Chase. Where's Jack? His phone is off.  
Chase: He's errr... Sleeping.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Tell that bastard I hate him for what he did to me.  
Chase: Okay.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) And put Kim on.  
Chase: Why?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) 'Cos.  
Chase: Hmmmmm... Okay. (He hands the phone to Kim)  
Kim: Hello?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) How you doin?  
Kim: I'm good.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) What have you been upto on your vacation? Any nude swimming?  
Kim: Well, we landed at Heathrow on Thursday evening, went to the hotel, it was like, soooo pretty. Then we had dinner at this really fancy place, I had the salmon, it was, oh my god, delicious. We went back to the hotel and then we went to sleep after watching some British tv...

(25 minutes later)

Kim: ... And then you called and asked me how I was.  
Chappelle: (On Phone Snoring) Zzzzzzzz.  
Kim: Ryan?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Hmm? What? Oh. Wow. Errrr... So what are you wearing?  
Kim: I'm not telling you what I'm wearing.  
Chase: Give me the phone.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Awwww come on.  
Chase: I'll tell you what I'm wearing.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Hell no. Gay bastard.  
Chase: Then GO AWAY!! (He hangs up) I better call Bill. (He dials Bill's house) Bill, We have an problem, It's about Jack...

-  
Clock. Credits.  
-----

24: The Wedding Parody Short. With Edgar, Chloe & Bill.

Edgar: The following takes place between a turkey leg and... Ooooooh, pie.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Edgar & Chloe have been using the CTU resources to put together their wedding)

Chloe: Would you stop munching on that turkey leg... And leave that pie alone.

(Edgar puts the turkey leg down. The new CTU Probationary Guy walks by)

Edgar: Hi Probie.  
Probie: Hi... Edgar?  
Edgar: Yep.  
Probie: I hate remembering new names.  
Chloe: (Whispers to Edgar) Not that we know his.  
Edgar: Where you headed?  
Probie: Have to give these files to Bill. (He turns to walk away and spies the turkey leg) Ooooh. (He picks it up) Nice.  
Edgar: Hey Probie, give that back.  
Chloe: No Edgar. (To Probie) You take it.  
Probie: Thanks. (He heads off to Bill's office)  
Edgar: You know Bill doesn't like it when people eat in his office.  
Chloe: I know.  
Edgar: Hehe, Probies are fun.  
Chloe: Now, do you want the pink or the lilac placenames.

(Edgar drops his head to the desk)

-  
Bill's Office.  
-----

Probie: (Between mouthfuls of turkey) Here you are Sir. (Chews) The reports you asked for.  
Bill: You know, I really hate it when people eat food in here.  
Probie: (Stops mid-chew) Errrr, I didn't know Sir.  
Bill: I bet Edgar or Chloe never mentioned that.

(They look down at Edgar & Chloe who are arguing over something. Chloe throws a booklet at Edgar and sits with her back to him)

Probie: They did not Sir.  
Bill: Are we in the navy?  
Probie: No...Sir.  
Bill: Stop saying 'sir.  
Probies: Okies.  
Bill: And I'm sure I saw Edgar munching on that leg earlier.  
Probie: Ewwwww. (Throws it into the bin)

-  
Edgar's Desk.  
-----

(Edgar had given up on trying to calm Chloe down and was now playing Pac-man on his computer)

Edgar: Pac-man is just a druggie. He eats pills all day and then chases ghosts. (He dies) Dammit. Bloody clever those ghosts.

(Chloe was trying to arrange the wedding seating without Edgar's help. But couldn't remember who hates who in Edgar's family)

Chloe: I'm sure his Uncle Larry hates Uncle Tim 'cos he killed his snake.  
Edgar: YES! I'm onto the next level at last... What?! It's the fucking same!  
Chloe: Edgar?  
Edgar: Yes?  
Chloe: I need your help with the seating arrangements.  
Edgar: ...Fine. Send me what you have so far. (Chloe sends him a schematic of the seating arrangement. He mulls over it for a while) You need to move my sister away from Frankie, he has... a thing for her.  
Chloe: You know, your family is very odd.  
Edgar: I know.  
Chloe: I'm glad I'm marrying the sane one.  
Edgar: Thanks. (Twitches and rubs his desklamp)  
Chloe: Hey, you wanna go make out in the closet again?  
Edgar: We got stuck in there last time remember.  
Chloe: Oh yeah. That Janitor had to get us out.

-  
Flashback.  
-----

Edgar: I can't get out.  
Chloe: Great. Just great. We're stuck in here.  
Edgar: HELP!  
Chloe: Who's going to hear us?  
Edgar: Bill?  
Chloe: All the way in his office?  
Edgar: Maybe... HELP!!

(The door opens and a man stands there)

Janitor: You yelled?  
Edgar: We need some help getting out.  
Janitor: Hmmm, Scruffy on his break. Don't like to work on his break.  
Chloe: We'll make it worth your while.  
Edgar: How'll we do that?  
Scruffy: I want a gun.  
Chloe: Ummmmm... How about some porn?  
Scruffy: ...Deal.

-  
Edgar's Desk.  
-----

Chloe: I still can't remember how he got us free?  
Edgar: Me neither. Hey, remember the time we gave that same Janitor some of Dave's porn?

-  
Flashback.  
-----

Edgar: Well, here you go Scruffy. (He hands over some porn)  
Scruffy: Scruffy gonna go take the rest of his break somewhere private.  
Chloe: OK...

-  
Edgar's Desk.  
-----

Chloe: That was the same time.  
Edgar: Oh yeah. Dave still wonders where those magazines went.  
Chloe: He thought Curtis took them.  
Edgar: So did you invite him to the wedding?  
Chloe: Scruffy? Yeah, he's sitting next to Dave and Curtis.  
Edgar: Is that such a good idea? Seeing as how we gave him Dave's porn?  
Chloe: It should be okay.  
Edgar: I hope so. (He spies Scruffy working across the room) SCRUFFY!  
Scruffy: What? Who said that?  
Edgar: Over here. (Scruffy walks over) When you are at the wedding, don't mention the porn we gave you.  
Scruffy: That was some good porn. I remember you giving it to me.  
Edgar: Yeah...

-  
Flashback.  
-----

Edgar: Well, here you go Scruffy. (He hands over some porn)  
Scruffy: Scruffy gonna go take the rest of his break somewhere private.  
Chloe: OK...

-  
Edgar's Desk.  
-----

Chloe: That was the same time again.  
Edgar: I remember it like it was yesterday.  
Chloe: It was yesterday.  
Edgar: Really? Time flies doesn't it.  
Chloe: Sometimes I wonder if you and Dave are related. (She looks at her monitor) 'Cos you can both be rather dull at times.  
You think I should let Jack sit next to that Audrey woman?... Edgar? (She turns around)  
Edgar: Nice. (Scruffy and Edgar are looking at the porn. Edgar gets hit by another booklet) OW! Not again.

(Probie walks over to see what Edgar and Scruffy are staring at)

Probie: Oooooh.  
Chloe: Men are pigs.  
Edgar: I resent that. (He stuffs a whole donut into his mouth) I think (Incomprehensible words) your mother is (Incomprehensible words) a big fat (Incomprehensible words) boar. (He finishes the donut)  
Chloe: I'll have you know my mother's a saint!  
Edgar: What?  
Chloe: Why did you say that about my mother?  
Probie: That was pretty mean.  
Scruffy: Scruffy agrees with the angry woman. (He grins, looking distant) Scruffy always agrees with the angry women.  
Edgar: All I said was: 'I think your mother is great for getting a big fat turkey for our wedding. 'Cos my dad wanted a boar.  
Chloe: Oh... Sorry.

(Bill shouts down from his office)

Bill: EVERYONE HERE NOW!!

(They all head to Bill's office)

Bill: Except you. (He stops Scruffy at the door) Your skills are not required.  
Scruffy: Scruffy don't care. (He walks off looking at the porn. Bill enters his office)  
Bill: The reason I called you here is because of a phonecall- (His phone rings)  
Edgar: Your timing is a little off.  
Bill: That's not the call. (He picks up his phone)  
Chappelle: (On Phone) HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
Bill: Hi Ryan. And it's the 7th now. Your 6 days late.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) It is? Fuck. What a party.  
Edgar: Is that Chappelle?  
Bill: Yeah.  
Edgar: YOU SUCK!  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Was that fatty?  
Bill: Yes.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) SHUT IT TUBBY!  
Bill: What did you want?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) To say happy new year.  
Bill: Oh, well that was wasted.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) FUCK YOU MAN. I don't need your old man wisdom crap.  
Bill: I'm not old.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) How old are you?  
Bill: I don't want to say.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) SEE! OLD!  
Bill: Could you just hang up now. I'm briefing my staff.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) Oh, wait there. (He hangs up)

(A secret door on one wall of Bill's office opens up and Chappelle walks in. The door closes)

Chappelle: I'm good. Let's get on with it.  
Bill: Where did you... How... Never mind. Look, Jack Bauer has been captured by the Chinese.  
Edgar: Those guys down the road?  
Chappelle: Not the Chinese takeaway you fat- I mean Edgar.  
Bill: People in the Chinese government who blame Jack for what happened at their embassy.  
Chloe: Wasn't it someone else that killed that guy?  
Bill: They want the one in charge of the assault.  
Edgar: Stupid Chinese.  
Bill: I'm going to inform the President.  
Edgar: Isn't he on that very late Xmas dinner?  
Bill: Yes.  
Chloe: What's with those?  
Chappelle: It's Logan, he's a weirdo. (The all murmur in agreement)  
Bill: Edgar and Chloe, it looks as though you will have to postpone the wedding making so we can get Jack back.  
Chloe: Right.  
Bill: Now find out where in China they are taking Jack. (He dials the Presidential retreat) Sir, we have a problem...

-  
Clock. Credits.  
-----


	9. His 2 Shorts

These are the shorts written by my writing partner Sam Deere. Hope you enjoy these as well as mine.

Christmas With The Almeidas. A 24: Parody Short.  
by Sam Deere (Ereedmas)

Tony Voiceover: Does it fucking matter what time this is set at? No? Good.

(Tony and Michelle are opening Christmas presents. Michelle has a baby on her lap. Michelle opens a box.)

Michelle: Wow, Tony. It's ... It's very nice.  
Tony: (Smiling) It's lingerie.  
Michelle: I can see that.  
Tony: It's a gift for me as much as it is a gift for you.  
Michelle: You do see this thing on my lap right?  
Tony: Yeh, it's Emily. What about her?  
Michelle: I had her a month ago. You really think I'm the correct shape for lingerie right now?  
Tony: Hey, I got the XXL size. The store lady gave me some funny looks.  
Michelle: Double X... L... How much weight do you think I've gained?  
Tony: This is one of those 'no right answer' questions, isn't it? So I refuse to answer it.  
Michelle: You're on the couch tonight, mister. And that (Points to lingerie) is going back when the stores open. (Hands Emily to Tony.) Here, hold your daughter. (Heads into kitchen)  
Tony: (Takes Emily and follows Michelle) Michelle. Don't get upset. Did I get upset over your gift?  
Michelle: Yes, you did. I thought you'd appreciate a replacement mug.  
Tony: IT WAS A WHITE SOX MUG. I'm a Cubs fan. (Sniffs) I miss Cubby.  
Michelle: You lost Cubby. You dropped it out of a helicopter 3 months ago on a mission with Jack.  
Tony: Damn Bill, not given me a team to search for it.  
Michelle: You'd waste a Tac Team on a stupid mug?  
Tony: Fuck yes. For Cubby, I would.  
Michelle: (Indicates Emily) Watch your language.  
Tony: What? She doesn't understand me. Plus, me as her dad, she's gonna hear it quite often.  
Michelle: That is true. But still. Can't you say 'frick' or... 'flock' around her?  
Tony: (Thinks about this. Whispers to himself.) Hmm, flock off. I could pull that off. You making coffee?  
Michelle: Lime tea. Want some?  
Tony: Hell no. I'm gonna help Emily open her presents.  
Michelle: Wait, get the camera.  
Tony: (Leaves the kitchen.) I was going to get it. (Puts Emily on the sofa and heads toward a closet and opens it.) HEY MICHELLE! WHEN'D WE LAST USE THE CAMERA?  
Michelle: (OS) THE BIRTH!  
Tony: NAH, THAT WAS CURTIS' CAMERA. (Quietly, to self) Should really tell him why I borrowed that.  
Michelle: (OS) OH, OUR CAMERA IS IN THE UPSTAIRS CLOSET! YOU KNOW. WE PUT IT THERE AFTER... YOU KNOW.  
Tony: JANUARY 25! I REMEMBER! (Closes closet and runs upstairs, returning a couple minutes later with camera in hand. He walks into the lounge.) Got it. Don't let her open anything yet.  
Michelle: (OS) Still in the kitchen.  
Tony: Good. Hurry up, though. I think she wants the big one in the corner.

(Michelle enters from kitchen, holding a mug.)

Michelle: Give it to her then.

(Tony lifts the big present in the corner and puts it down in front of Emily. He turns the camera on and commentates.)

Tony: Emily Almeida's first Christmas present ever. Off mommy and daddy. No, sweetie, you rip.. you rip the .. don't bite it .. Michelle, help her.  
Michelle: OK.  
Tony: And it's ... a play house. (To Michelle) I gotta put that together, have I?  
Michelle: You can call Jack to help you, if you want.  
Tony: Sweet. And Dave?  
Michelle: No ex-cons around my baby.  
Tony: I'm an ex-con.  
Michelle: Besides you.  
Tony: Jack's an ex-con. Well, he's been in prison.  
Michelle: On a job. Whereas you, you committed treason.  
Tony: For you. I committed treason FOR YOU.  
Michelle: Some husbands just buy flowers, or jewellery. I get to be known as a prison wife.  
Tony: I was shot in the neck that day too. I was stressed.  
Michelle: I know. (Grabs another present from under the tree.) This one is from .. (Reads label.) Jack.  
Tony: Bastard didn't get me anything. After I got him some nice socks as well.  
Michelle: This one IS for you.  
Tony: Oh, sweet.  
Michelle: THIS one is to Emily. (To Emily, in baby talk.) Look, honey. Uncle Jacky got you a present. Yes, he did. Yes, he did.  
Tony: Stop talking like that and open the present.  
Michelle: Fine .. It's very light.  
Tony: I bet that cheap bastard got her some gift vouchers.  
Michelle: It's a photo of him, in a box.  
Tony: Vain bastard. Wait ... my gift is the same size as that one. And it's quite light, too. I'm glad I just got him socks now.  
Michelle: Quit your moaning.  
Tony: Shaddap you face.  
Michelle: (Incredulous and laughing) Who are you, Joe Dolce?  
Tony: ... That's why I love you.  
Michelle: Cos of my knowledge of crap songs from the 80's?  
Tony: No, I'm talking about the fact that nothing I say seems to phase you. But sometimes, knowing the lyrics of 'Take My Breath Away'  
does come in handy.  
Michelle: I love you too.

(The phone rings.)

Michelle: Answer that, Tony.  
Tony: Yes Ma'am. (Answers phone.) Yello?  
Chappelle: (On Phone, Drunk) This Almeida?  
Tony: Yes. Who's this?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) You know who this is, Almeida.  
Tony: Ryan:  
Chappelle: (On Phone) That's right, Almeida. Your buddy Jack made me a crippled, deformed mess.  
Tony: You're not crippled.  
Chappelle: (On Phone) ... SHUT UP! THE DEFORMITY CRIPPLED MY PULL OVER THE LADIES!  
Tony: You were an ugly freak before Jack shot you in the head. Don't blame him. And never ring here again. (Goes to hang up)  
Chappelle: (On Phone, pleading.) Don't hang up, don't hang up. I'll be good, Just talk to me.  
Tony: About What?  
Chappelle: (On Phone) ... Put Michelle on and have her talk dirty?  
Tony: FUCK YOU. (Hangs up)  
Michelle: Mind your language in front of the baby.  
Tony: Sorry. .. I wonder what Jack is doing right this minute.  
Michelle: Could be doing anything. Having dinner, is my bet, being 5 hours ahead and all.  
Tony: Yeh.

(The phone rings.)

Michelle: Again?! (Answers phone.) Dessler. .. Oh, hi Bill. Merry Christmas. Get anything nice? .. Captured? .. That can't be true.  
.. Yeh, of course we'll come in. .. See you in a bit. Bye Bill. (Hangs up)  
Tony: That Bill? What he want?  
Michelle: They got Jack.  
Tony: Who got him? The Hippies? The Republicans?  
Michelle: The Chinese. They got him while he was in London with Kim and Chase.  
Tony: So we're off to CTU then, I take it. But what about Emily?  
Michelle: The people in the clinic can look after her.  
Tony: Forget it, that place is a death trap. Loads of people die there.  
Michelle: Then we'll put her in the situation room. We'll only be in the next room then,  
Tony: Orrr, I could ring my mother and explain it all to her. She'll be glad to look after Emily for a couple hours.  
Michelle: Fine. But we're getting some cheeseburgers on the way.  
Tony: It's Christmas, everywhere's closed. Cept the mini marts, but they don't believe in Christmas.

(Michelle looks at Tony in shock.)

Michelle: That's just ... God. Just ring your mother and I'll get Emily ready.

(Michelle picks up Emily and takes her upstairs. Tony picks up the phone. He's about to dial when he realises something.)

Tony: GODDAMMIT!  
Michelle: (From upstairs) What?  
Tony: I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT THAT HOUSE TOGETHER MYSELF SINCE JACK'S BEEN CAPTURED. (To himself) Bastard. Bet he did it to get out of the work. (Dials number and waits for the answer.) Hey, mom? Couldn't do me and Michelle a favour, could ya?

-  
Clock. End Credits.  
-----

Curtis & Dave at Christmas. A 24: Parody Short.

Curtis Voiceover: The following takes place between ... the fuck time is it? (Beat) Lunchtime? Sweet. Going to the canteen, get my sandwich on.

(Curtis and Dave are in a car, driving along a desert road. Dave is behind the wheel. They are singing along to 'Sex, Love & Money' by Mos Def on the radio.)

Curtis + Dave: (Singing) Freaky black beauty with the party pal Where you work it out got me fiendin'--bam!  
I hit the G ready for the street Heavy, ghetto sweet breezing through the evening --bam!  
I'm on the lounge path for the warm blast Got the john shaft cocked back and loaded --bamm!  
Dave: (Stops singing) Do I hear your cell phone?  
Curtis: (Turns volume down and stops singing) Huh?  
Dave: I think your cell phone is ringing.  
Curtis: (Takes cell phone out of his pocket) Oh yeh, it is. It's Bill. Wonder what he wants? (Answers phone.) Sup playa?  
Bill: (On Phone) Curtis, where are you? You're not answering your home phone.  
Curtis: Me and Dave are cruising down to Tijuana for Christmas, catch a festive donkey show.  
Bill: (On Phone) What makes it festive? Or am I gonna regret asking that question?  
Curtis: It's festive cos they all have names like Holly, or Ivy, or Mistletoe. That's the donkey.  
Bill: (On Phone) Knew I'd regret it. Anyway, get back here as soon as possible. There's been a situation with Jack.  
Curtis: Daniels?  
Bill: (On Phone) No, Bauer, you idiot. The Chinese kidnapped Jack Bauer while he was on holiday with Chase and Kim.  
Curtis: Is Chase ok?  
Bill: (On Phone) It's Jack we're concerned about at the moment, but yes, he's fine. Just get back here. NOW!  
Curtis: You don't have to yell. I heard you. See ya, Bill. (Hangs up and turns to Dave) Turn around.  
Dave: But... But... Donkey Show!  
Curtis: There's been a situation.  
Dave: Has there been a nuclear assassination attempt on the President's life?  
Curtis: How would that work?  
Dave: (Shrugs) I'unno. So what's the situation?  
Curtis: (Sighs) Jack's been kidnapped by the Chinese.  
Dave: Daniels?  
Curtis: No, Bauer, you idiot.  
Dave: Master?  
Curtis: Yes.  
Dave: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Spins the car 180 degrees and speeds off the way he came.) I'M COMING, MASTER!! I'LL RESCUE YOU!  
Curtis: Dude, he's probably on his way to China by now. So unless you can drive there, you can't do much. Plus, we're (Car starts sputtering) out of gas.  
(Dave pulls the car to the side of the road where it rolls to a stop.) Great. Now what we gonna do?  
Dave: I think there's a gas station about a mile, maybe two miles up ahead.  
Curtis: ... I'll stay here and mind the car.  
Dave: It's a desert road. No one's gonna suddenly appear from nowhere and steal it, are they.  
Curtis: (Sighs) Fine. (They get out of the car.) You've jinxed it now, ya know that? We're gonna get back, and the car'll be gone.  
Dave: I have not jinxed us. (They start to walk toward the gas station.) So how long you been at CTU?  
Curtis: Bout 8 years.  
Dave: So you've helped Master and Tony through all the crisises they've had to deal with?  
Curtis: Uh, no. I was on vacations all those days. Was meant to be working when all that Drazen stuff was going on, but I had flu.  
Dave: Sweet. So what's the deal with you and Chase? You guys gay, or what?  
Curtis: We're buds. Just buds. ... I mean, there IS some guy love there, but that's all it is. Just guy love.  
Dave: Riiiight. Not GAY love?  
Curtis: (Punches Dave) You want me to prove I ain't gay.  
Dave: Ummm, no. I believe you.

(They walk in silence for 5 minutes until they reach a 'T-Section' in the road.)

Curtis: Which way do we go, smartass?  
Dave: Umm, (Points in one direction) THIS way.

(They head off in the direction Dave pointed in. After 10 more minutes, they arrive at the gas station.)

Dave: YAY! We found it.  
Curtis: Wotchya mean we?  
Dave: Sorry, I mean You found it! I just lolly-gagged behind you.  
Curtis: Damn right.

(They enter the gas station. Dave approaches the counter and attempts to communicate with the clerk.)

Dave: We need some gas.  
Clerk: Butane, Propane, CO2, Oxygen?  
Dave: Gas for car. Vroom vroom, comprende?  
Clerk: (To Curtis) He for real?  
Curtis: (Shrugs) I'unno. Just give us 1 Gallon of gas, will ya.  
Clerk: Got a gas can?  
Curtis: Yeh. Dave?  
Dave: Yeh?  
Curtis: Hand the man the gas can so he can fill us up.  
Dave: I don't have the gas can. I thought you got it.  
Curtis: I didn't get it.  
Dave: All the way here, you didn't notice I didn't have the gas can?  
Curtis: Man, I never wanna look at you. Why would walking in the desert change that?  
Clerk: Look, I can lend you a gas can, as long as you bring it back.  
Curtis: Oh, thanks.  
Clerk: Now, the pumps aren't working, but my boss left HIS car just across the street. I'll go get you the hose.  
Dave: What's the hose for?  
Clerk: To suck on, y'idiot.  
Dave: Ohhh. (To Curtis) Dude, I think this guy is coming onto me.  
Curtis: Man, ain't no-one wanting you. The hose is for siphoning.  
Dave: What's that mean?  
Curtis: We suck the gas from one gas tank, into the can to put into our car. It's simple really. Now pocket some mints before he gets back. You're gonna need 'em.  
Dave: Ok. (Grabs some mints and puts them in his pocket a split second before the clerk comes back in, carrying a gas can and a length of hose)  
Clerk: Here ya go. I'll show you his car now. Follow me. (Leads Curtis and Dave outside, locking the gas station after him.) So, where you fellas from?  
Curtis: LA. We were heading down here for Christmas, but gotta go back cos there's an emergency at work.  
Clerk: What kind of work do ya do?  
Curtis: We're ... not at liberty to discuss.  
Clerks: (Laughs) What? You guys spies or something.  
Dave: No, we're special agents, actually. For the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit.  
Curtis: (Flips out) IDIOT! GODDAMMIT! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM WHAT WE DID? DO ANONYMITY AND COVERTISM MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?  
Clerk: That's not a word. And I ain't gonna tell anyone.  
Curtis: (Instantly calms down) Oh. It's all cool, then.  
Clerk: I think I heard of CTU before though. You guys know a Jack Bauer?  
Curtis: Uh, no. I think he's dead, actually. Killed in the field a couple years ago.  
Dave: What are you talking about? He's (Curtis clamps his hand over Dave's mouth)  
Clerk: Killed in the field, huh. Good riddance. He was responsible for the death of my godfather.  
Curtis: I'm sorry. Who was he, may I ask? (Takes hand away from Dave's mouth)  
Clerk: Ramon Salazar.  
Dave: Oh, yeh, Jack told me about him a couple weeks ago. (Curtis shakes his head when Dave says this) Said Salazar was stupid, and was the only person to blame for his death.  
Clerk: A couple weeks ago? But you said he died years ago. YOU LIED! You DO know him. (Pulls a gun out from behind his back and points it at Dave.) Eye for an eye.

-  
Clock. End Credits.  
-----

For those of you wondering about the cliffhanger, it will be cleared up in the Day 4 prequel, which will be up by the weekend.


	10. Day 4 Prequel

24: The Parody - Day 4 Prequel.

-  
Jack: Previously on 24: The Parody.

-  
Tony & Michelle's House.  
-----

Tony: Did I get upset over your gift?  
Michelle: Yes, you did. I thought you'd appreciate a replacement mug.  
Tony: IT WAS A WHITE SOX MUG. I'm a Cubs fan. (Sniffs) I miss Cubby.  
Michelle: You lost Cubby. You dropped it out of a helicopter 3 months ago on a mission with Jack.  
Tony: Damn Bill, not giving me a team to search for it.

-  
Cut To London.  
-----

Kim: A man left this for you.  
Chase: What is it?  
Kim: It's some kind of note.  
Chase: What did the guy look like?  
Kim: Hmmm, think he was Chinese.

(Chase reads the note: 'For crimes against our nation, we have taken Jack Bauer. If you want him back... Tough.' He crumples the note)

Chase: Bastards. At least he isn't dead.

-  
CTU.  
-----

Bill: Jack Bauer has been captured by the Chinese.  
Edgar: Those guys down the road?  
Bill: People in the Chinese government who blame Jack for what happened at their embassy.  
Chloe: Wasn't it someone else that killed that guy?  
Bill: They want the one in charge of the assault... Edgar and Chloe, it looks as though you will have to postpone the wedding making so we can get Jack back.  
Chloe: Right.  
Bill: Now find out where in China they are taking Jack. (He dials the Presidential retreat) Sir, we have a problem...

-  
Presidential Retreat.  
-----

(Mike's cell phone rings)

Novick: (Answers phone) Yes? .. What you mean 'captured'? .. The Chinese? .. How long ago? .. And you are absolutely sure?  
.. Ok, thank you, Bill. (Hangs up) Mr. President. Bill Buchanan of Los Angeles CTU just informed me that Jack Bauer was captured by the Chinese about 90 minutes ago, whilst on a holiday with his family.  
Logan: Oh. Is anything being done about it?  
Novick: Well, key employees of CTU are being called in to aid the search. They hope to locate Bauer soon. But, if he's already on the way to China, we will need to be prepared to pay a huge price to bring him back... We are talking...In the hundreds of millions of dollars (Puts his little finger to the side of his mouth. Everyone lets out a gasp)

-  
Gas Station.  
-----

Clerk: You guys know a Jack Bauer?  
Curtis: Uh, no. I think he's dead, actually. Killed in the field a couple years ago.  
Dave: What are you talking about? He's- (Curtis clamps his hand over Dave's mouth)  
Clerk: Killed in the field, huh. Good riddance. He was responsible for the death of my godfather.  
Curtis: I'm sorry. Who was he, may I ask? (Takes hand away from Dave's mouth)  
Clerk: Ramon Salazar.  
Dave: Oh, yeah, Jack told me about him a couple weeks ago. (Curtis shakes his head when Dave says this) Said Salazar was stupid, and was the only person to blame for his death.  
Clerk: A couple weeks ago? But you said he died years ago. YOU LIED! You DO know him. (Pulls a gun out from behind his back and points it at Dave) Eye for an eye.

-  
3 Seconds Later.  
-  
Gas Station.  
-----

(The Clerk is still holding a gun at Curtis and Dave. Dave is pleading with him, close to tears)

Dave: Please don't kill us. We're innocent. (To Curtis) Should I get on my knees?  
Curtis: Why? What you thinking of doing? You're not gonna (Makes rather obscene hand gesture) are ya?  
Dave: No, I'm just gonna beg him to let us go.  
Curtis: I'd respect you more if you took the first option.  
Dave: That's gross. I ain't gay.  
Curtis: Yeah, but you were in prison.  
Dave: Didn't do that in prison.  
Curtis: What kind of pansy ass prison were you in? (Clerk coughs) Oh. We should focus back on him.

(Curtis and Dave turn their attention back to the Clerk)

Dave: Carry on, sir.  
Clerk: (Cheerily) Why, thank you. (Changes to a menacing tone) Retribution time, bhes. Close your eyes.

(Curtis and Dave both close their eyes. Close up on Curtis as he hears a gunshot. He immediately opens his eyes and turns to Dave)

Curtis: Poor Dave, taken too early by .. (Stops when he sees Dave staring at him, clearly alive)  
Dave: Why aren't you dead?  
Curtis: Same to you. Wait a minute. (Turns to Clerk) Did you miss us both?  
Clerk: Uhh ... (Points gun at Curtis and pulls the trigger, but the gun is empty)  
Dave: You only had 1 bullet in that thing?  
Clerk: (Sighs in defeat) Yeah.  
Dave: Dude, you are not good with a gun.  
Clerk: I know. You guys gonna arrest me now?  
Curtis: Nah. Just don't follow us when we've taken this guy's gas.  
Clerk: Righty Oh.  
Dave: This the car?  
Clerk: Yessir. I'll start the siphoning.

(Clerk siphons gas and hands the full can to Curtis)

Curtis: This is free, right? (Clerk nods) Sweet. Dave, give this guy some mints. (Dave hands Clerk a packet of mints, then he and Curtis walk off. Clerk watches them leave for a few seconds, then looks at the mint packet)  
Clerk: (Yells after Dave) DID YOU STEAL THESE MINTS?

(In the distance, Dave and Curtis have broken into a run)

(Fade Out)

-  
1 Month Later.  
-  
CTU.  
-----

(Dave & Curtis are telling the story about the desert escape, again)

Dave: So there was, like, 8 of these huge guys. All armed with machine guns.  
Chloe: (Whispers to Edgar) There were only 6 last time.  
Curtis: So we dived behind this table, pulling this old lady to safety-  
Dave: -And her little dog.  
Curtis: Yeah, I shot over the table, without looking, and hit this oil drum, taking out 5 of them at once.  
Dave: I sprung over the table and had head shots on 2 of the other guys.  
Curtis: We then did all this kung fu s on the last guy and he was down for the count.  
Kim: WOW! That story seems to get better everytime I hear it.  
Chase: (Sarcastically) Can't see why.  
Kim: Neither can I.  
Chase: It really sucks that we can't get Jack back.  
Dave: Yeah, I miss Master.  
Curtis: They are probably torturing the crap outta him...

-  
China.  
-----

(Jack is eating a steak)

Jack: Mmmmmmmm, so tender. Thank the chef for me.  
Cheng Zi: We're glad you are comfortable, Mr Bauer. You did a great service to this country by killing our consulate. We found he had been selling trade secrets to our rival countries. He was to be arrested the day he was shot, so you saved us having to explain it to our government here. We just made up all that stuff about wanting you dead so we would have a reason to bring you here, and treat you fabulously.  
Jack: That's... an interesting story, there.. Chingy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to watch some TV. (Gets up out of chair and walks over to bed. He grabs the remote and turns on the television)  
Cheng: I will leave you to ur privacy, Mr Bauer.  
Jack: Sure. Hey, do you get any American channels?  
Cheng: I think we have Fox and CNN. Not sure about any others. Just flip around, you'll find them.  
Jack: Right. (Flips through the channels. He finds something that grabs his interest) Oooh, House!

-  
CTU.  
-----

Chase: You think they have started the water torture yet?  
Dave: Jack wouldn't submit to that. He once slept in my bath with a tap dripping on him.  
Chase: Oh yeah, I turned on that tap. Hehe.  
Dave: Said he felt refreshed afterwards... He's so manly.  
Curtis: You said that WAY too dreamily Dave.  
Dave: Did not.  
Curtis: Did too.  
Dave: Did not.  
Curtis: Did too! (He tackles Dave off of the desk he was sitting on and they wrestle on the floor)  
Chase: (To Edgar & Chloe) So how are the wedding plans coming along?  
Edgar: We've nearly finished, would have been done if we hadn't stopped trying to get Jack back.  
Chloe: Yeah, just got to send out the invites.  
Chase: Sweet. (Dave and Curtis bump into him as they wrestle) Hey, go fight somewhere else.

(Tony walks over with Emily strapped into a harness on his back. The baby seems to have puked on his back. He hasn't noticed)

Tony: Hey guys.  
Chase: What the hell smells like puke? Is Chappelle here?  
Chloe: The baby threw up on Tony.  
Tony: WHAT? (Looks at Emily's face) For fuck sake. Someone toss me a towel! (A towel is tossed at Tony from out of shot. He catches it and starts to clean off the puke) Thanks.  
Kim: Uhh, who threw that?  
Chloe: Towel guy. He's over there. (Points at a man carrying a box labeled 'Towels') He's a good guy.  
Edgar: Yeah, 'bout that. He ain't coming to the wedding.  
Chloe: But he's my closest friend.  
Chase: You just called him 'Towel Guy.  
Chloe: He's Albanian. That's his translated name.  
Edgar: He still ain't coming.  
Chloe: (Sighs) Fine.  
Kim: Is my father coming to the wedding?  
Chloe: He's in China, Kim. We don't know where he is. So we can't send his invite.

(Curtis and Dave walk over, their wrestling ended)

Tony: Yeah, shouldn't we really start back up the search to find him?  
Dave: We need to ask Bill to restart the search. That Silver Fox alone has the authority.  
Curtis: You are just ALL the way gay, aren't ya.  
Dave: Am not.  
Curtis: Are too.

(They fight again)

-  
China.  
-----

(Jack had gotten bored of watching tv and was about to turn it off when 2 men dressed in black Special Ops clothing entered the room)

Spec Ops Guy 1: Mr. Bauer?  
Jack: Yes?  
Spec Ops Guy 2: We have come here to rescue you.  
Jack: Yeah, about that.  
Spec Ops 1: We haven't got time to chat Sir. Let's go. (The men usher him out of the room and down a dark corridor)  
Jack: Are you with CTU?  
Spec Ops 2: Yes Sir.  
Jack: Sent by Curtis then?  
Spec Ops 1: Affirmative.  
Jack: At least he can do something right.

(They come to a cross section and turn left. Jack knew this lead away from the torture rooms that he was shown on his grand tour. They turn a corner and take out a guard from behind. Jack picks up the mans weapon as they step past. Further on, they exit into a garage and approach a blacked out Hummer)

Jack: Cooooool.  
Spec Ops 1: Yes sir.  
Jack: But, you don't really need to rescue me. I wasn't being tortured.  
Spec Ops 2: It looked that way to us, sir.  
Jack: I'm in a bathrobe.  
Spec Ops 1: It's part of the torture. Make you feel comfortable, then stab hot needles into you.  
Jack: You guys don't know Cheng like I do.  
Spec Ops 2: Sorry, Jack. (Pistol Whips Jack, knocking him to the ground) Shame to ruin that nice bathrobe, isn't it?  
Spec Ops 1: Take it. He won't know.  
Spec Ops 2: He will when he wakes up naked.  
Spec Ops 1: Just put him in the car.

(The Special Ops guys put Jack in the car, then get inside themselves and drive off. About 2 minutes into the journey, Jack starts to come to)

Jack: (Pouting) I don't wanna leave China.  
Spec Ops 1: Well, you're leaving, like it or not.  
Jack: I hate you.  
Spec Ops 2: This is the place. (Pulls over Hummer) Get out, Mr Bauer.  
Jack: Make me. (Spec Ops 2 points gun at Jack) Ok, I'm going. (Jack gets out of the car, and sees that they are in a field)  
Where are we?  
Spec Ops 1: Someone has something to say to you, Jack.  
Jack: What? Who?  
Spec Ops 2: Him! (Points to a tree, and Cheng jumps out from behind it)  
Cheng: GOTCHA, JACK!  
Jack: You sneaky bastard. (Goes over and hugs Cheng) I thought I was really being rescued.  
Cheng: Your face was priceless.  
Jack: Who are these guys you got? (He indicates the 'Spec Ops' guys)  
Cheng: They are real Spec Ops guys from your US government.  
Jack: Oh... So they were going to rescue me?  
Cheng: Before we intercepted them, yes.  
Jack: Well, thanks all the same guys. Tell the people back in the US that the intel you got was phoney.  
Spec Ops 1: Will do.  
Cheng: Let us go back. I think Commander In Chief is starting soon.  
Jack: Ooooh, I like the actor playing the bad guy.  
Cheng: That Sutherland guy?  
Jack: Yeah. He rules.

-  
CTU.  
-----

(Bill has called Dave and Curtis into his office)

Bill: Someone told me you were fighting down there.  
Dave: We weren't Sir.  
Curtis: Honest.  
Bill: Then how did you get those bruises, and that fat lip Dave?  
Dave: We...err...fell down some stairs.  
Bill: At the same time?  
Curtis: He dragged me down.  
Dave: I did not. You pushed me.  
Curtis: 'Shup now. (He pushes Dave)  
Dave: Screw you. (He punches Curtis. They start brawling out of the office and down the stairs)  
Bill: Kids these days. (He gets out a Playboy) Sweeeet.

-  
5 Months Later.  
-  
LAX Gate 10.  
-----

(Tony is standing by the gate, waiting for someone. He is reading a Hustler)

Jack: (OS) It's a public place, Tony.

(Tony looks up to see Jack standing there, tanned, with sunglasses on. Tony gets up and hugs him. They walk off to Baggage Claim)

Tony: JACK! Hey man, how ya doing? Banged up? Swollen? Hurt?  
Jack: Why does everyone think I was being tortured? The Chinese treated me very well. But I can't say why.  
Tony: You're so brave. It's ok if you want to cry. I won't call you a girl... Much.  
Jack: I'm fine, but what are you doing here? Only Kim knew I came home today.  
Tony: She told us, and I had to come get you.  
Jack: What, why? Is she ok?

(Jack and Tony reach Baggage Claim. They talk whilst waiting for Jack's bag)

Tony: Yeah, she's fine. It's just..um..there's a new threat Jack. CTU intercepted a cellphone call 2 days ago to a man named Omar Spaulding. We haven't identified the caller yet, but they mentioned some missiles that had been modified to act as nuclear weapons. We traced it back to a shipment stolen around 13 months ago from a D.O.D stockpile.  
Jack: Why did we only find out about it 2 days ago?  
Tony: Someone covered up. We don't know who it was, just yet.  
Jack: Was there any sort of time frame given for the launch of these weapons?  
Tony: Sometime in the next week.  
Jack: Well, better get on it then, shouldn't we. (Notices that there are no bags on the carousel) WHERE ARE OUR BAGS?  
Tony: Lazy airport workers.

-  
Behind Carousel Curtain.  
-----

(2 Men are looking out at frustrated fliers)

Men: They're really getting annoyed now. Put that false leg on. Put it on.

-  
Carousel.  
-----

Tony: Oh, something's coming. Look. It's .. A LEG?! Who didn't take their leg as carry on? Was it that guy? (Points)  
Jack: Oh, for fuck sake. Call Dave, get him down here to wait for my bag. We got a nuke to find.  
Tony: That'll be easy, he's outside, in the car.  
Jack: Good, ring him. .. And tell him to get me some Snickers. I got a feeling I'll need my energy.

-  
LA Warehouse.  
-----

(Omar Spaulding is overseeing the final modifications on one of the stolen missiles)

Omar: How long until we have all of the missiles ready for launch?  
Missile Worker: Another day and all 4 should be finished.  
Omar: Good. And the fifth?  
Missile Worker: That is ready as we speak. Fayeed is waiting for your instruction.  
Omar: Good.

-  
LA Airspace.  
-----

(A flight from New York is approaching LAX)

Captain: (Over intercom) This is your Captain speaking. We should be arriving at LAX shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts.

(The passengers fasten their seatbelts. In the cockpit the Captain and co-pilot feel relieved)

Captain: I'm glad that ones over.  
Co-pilot: Yeah, damn turbulance midway was rough.  
Captain: Not much to worry about now.

-  
LA Warehouse.  
-----

(Omar is on the phone)

Omar: You have a lock?...Okay, Do it.

-  
LA Airspace.  
-----

(The plane begins it's descent. A woman is comforting her child)

Woman: It's going to be okay honey. Just relax.

(One man looks out of the window and sees something strange headed their way)

-  
LAX.  
-----

(Jack and Tony had reached the exit to the terminals and were looking out over the carpark. Another plane was descending into the airport)

Jack: It's good to be back in the US.  
Tony: What did you miss most?  
Jack: I dunno.

(Suddenly, the plane they had seen descending was struck by something that shot up from further in the city, the whole plane burst into a huge fireball and headed for the ground. Debris from the explosion was showering down onto nearby houses. People were looking up at the huge fireball and started running in a panic. The plane smashed into the end of the parking lot and slid towards the terminal)

Tony: CRAP MY CAR!  
Jack: You should worry about our lives, idiot!

(The plane skids to a halt and stops just before it crushed Tony's car)

Tony: Phew.  
Jack: It's still on fire Tony.  
Tony: But it didn't crush my car.

(Jack points to the wreckage as molten plane drips onto, and through, Tony's car)

Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BASTARD TERRORISTS!  
Jack: It's not as if they took your wife and child.  
Tony: ...NOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Jack: And to answer your question? One thing I don't miss, (He points to the devastation) is that.

-  
Clock. Credits. 


	11. Day 4

-----

Previously on 24: The Parody.

-----

Hotel.

-----

(A phone is heard dialing. A voice answers)

Voice: Yes, it is all done... No, no-one knows a thing... The list?... I sent it to your tech guy in Paris... As for the

money we can now fund our project... The Missiles? They are being acquired now... Right, I will keep you informed.

-----

LA Airspace.

-----

(A flight from New York is approaching LAX)

Captain: (Over intercom) This is your Captain speaking. We should be arriving at LAX shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts.

(The passengers fasten their seatbelts. In the cockpit the Captain and co-pilot feel relieved)

-----

LA Warehouse.

-----

(Omar is on the phone)

Omar: You have a lock?...Okay, Do it.

-----

LA Airspace.

-----

(The plane begins it's descent... A man looks out of the window and sees something strange headed their way)

-----

LAX.

-----

(Tony looks up to see Jack standing there, tanned, with sunglasses on. Tony gets up and hugs him. They walk off to Baggage

Claim)

Tony: JACK! Hey man, how ya doing? Banged up? Swollen? Hurt?

Jack: Why does everyone think I was being tortured? The Chinese treated me very well. But I can't say why.

-----

(Jack and Tony had reached the exit to the terminals and were looking out over the carpark. Another plane was descending into

the airport)

Jack: It's good to be back in the US.

Tony: What did you miss most?

Jack: I dunno.

(Suddenly, the plane they had seen descending was struck by something that shot up from further in the city, the whole plane

burst into a huge fireball and headed for the ground. Debris from the explosion was showering down onto nearby houses. People

were looking up at the huge fireball and started running in a panic. The plane smashed into the end of the parking lot and

slid towards the terminal... It skids to a halt and stops just before it crushes Tony's car)

Tony: Phew. It didn't crush my car.

(Jack points to the wreckage as molten plane drips onto, and through, Tony's car)

Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! BASTARD TERRORISTS!!

Jack: One thing I don't miss, (He points to the devastation) is that.

-----

Hotel.

-----

(Another number is dialed)

Voice: Hello Sir... Yes, I sent them the false list... They still don't know who I am, or how far this goes... CTU?... They

did a good job as usual. They were most helpful in taking out Henderson and his lot... I trust you will take care of them

when the time comes?... Good. I'll let you get back to work... Mr. President.

-----

Opening Title

-----

Jack's Voice: The following takes place between I'm still on China time. Gonna be jet-lagged like hell today, aren't I?

-----

LAX Parking Lot.

-----

(Jack and Tony are standing a couple of feet from the wreckage of Tony's car)

Jack: Well... That was... something. Don't see that everyday, that's for sure.

Tony: Yeah.

Jack: Kinda sucks to be you right now, don't it?

Tony: How d'ya mean?

Jack: Your car's totalled, Michelle will find a way to blame it all on you, somehow. You gotta get a new carseat for the baby. Boy or a girl, by the way?

Refresh my memory.

Tony: Girl. Emily.

Jack: They're the best. Still, how we gonna get back to CTU now?

Tony: Dave can ring Curtis or someone.

Jack: Ah Wait. You said earlier that Dave was waiting in the car.

Tony: Oh, for fuck sake. There's gonna be an investigation now.

(Dave comes over)

Dave: Investigation into what?

Jack: Dave died in Tony's Car. That burning mess of metal and plane you see over there.

Dave: I'm a ghost then? 'Cos I don't feel like a ghost. It's just like that Swayze movie.

Tony: Road House?

Jack: I think that's what he's on about. Hang on. (Turns to look at Dave) You're not dead.

Dave: I'm not? (Looks at his hands) Awesome.

Tony: (Grabs Dave) WHY WEREN'T YOU MINDING MY CAR, LIKE I TOLD YOU?!

Dave: Got thirsty. (Offers Tony a can of coke from his pocket) Want it?

Tony: No. (Takes can anyway) Now ring Bill, get him to send some transport for us.

Dave: Yessir. (Takes out his cellphone and starts dialling)

Tony: Jack, you're gonna have to bring your stuff to CTU.

Jack: But I'm tired.

Tony: You can sleep when your dead.

Jack: I didn't the last two times.

(Jack and Tony walk inside the terminal, toward a small cafe)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill, Chloe and Edgar are in Bill's office)

Bill: What do we know about the attack?

Chloe: We know it was a missile.

Edgar: And that it was fired from the ground.

Bill: (Sarcastically) Really? You don't say.

Chloe: Intel says it came from a cluster of warehouse not far from the airport.

Bill: Well, send Curtis over there.

Chloe: I did. He should be there soon.

-----

CTU SUV.

-----

Curtis: Shame about these missiles eh? Blowing up planes and shit.

Chase: Yeah, at least we have Jack back to help us stop any more of them.

Curtis: I heard he came back all disfigured and shit.

Chase: I don't think he was... And where did you hear this from? Tony's the only guy to see Jack, and he hasn't called you.

Curtis: I heard it through the grape vine... and shit.

Chase: Stop swearing at the end of all your sentences. Makes you sound stereotypical.

Curtis: Sorry. I had to speak like that when I went undercover with this gang.

Chase: That wasn't undercover, or in a gang. That's just you and your buddies smoking weed in the basement.

Curtis: ...Oh yeah. Damn fine time that.

Chase: You could have invited me, ya know?

Curtis: Quit your whining. How far are we from those warehouses?

Chase: Umm, (Looks at map) if we're here... about (Holds thumb and index finger about 2 inches apart and holds his hand up to show Curtis) that far.

Curtis: (Glares at Chase)

Chase: I'm just fuckin' wit' you. We're about 5/10 minutes out.

Curtis: How come every place we've ever had to visit is only about 10 minutes away, even with LA traffic?

Chase: Luck?

Curtis: 'S more than luck. There's something going on here, and I'm gonna find out what it is.

Chase: Can we get this missile shit over with first?

Curtis: Meh. (Shrugs) Ok. Left here?

-----

Airport Cafe.

-----

(Jack and Tony are finishing up their coffees. Dave walks over)

Dave: CTU said that they have no available vehicles for us at the moment, but Chase and Curtis are heading to the warehouses just past those trees out there,

you can go join up with them. I gotta go back to CTU, speak with Buchanan about something. Sounded serious.

Tony: You're being fired.

Jack: You don't know that for certain.

Tony: Yeah, I do. Bill told me.

Jack: Oh. Bad luck then, Dave.

Tony: Yeah, bad luck. Run along now. (Gets up and puts on his jacket. Jack does the same)

Dave: I'm.. I'm really being fired.

Tony: He said that you wouldn't be working at CTU LA anymore. I just took a guess.

Dave: Wait, that means I may just get transferred somewhere.

Tony: Good.

Dave: What?

Tony: That's a shame Dave. Gonna miss you.

Dave: Hug?

Tony: Hell no. I'm not gonna miss you that much. Now beat it. Or Bill might shout at you.

Dave: Oh crap. (He walks away to find a taxi)

Tony: You think we will ever see Dave again?

Jack: Probably. People at CTU may want to throw him a leaving party.

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe: Are we giving Dave a leaving party or something?

Bill: Nope. No time.

Chloe: Oh... Ok then.

-----

Airport.

-----

Tony: Yeah, I suppose. Guess it's free food.

Jack: Good point. (They start to walk towards the warehouses) Wonder if there will be dip?

Tony: Dip is a good thing. Like babies..and drunken parties.

Jack: You had drunken parties while I was away?

Tony: Someone somewhere probably had one. Not me. Ex-Drunk, with new responsibilities.

Jack: Ah, yeah. The sprog.

Tony: What's that mean?

Jack: Child..I think. Was a word I learned in China.

Tony: Must mean 'Whip harder' then, not 'child'.

Jack: I wasn't tortured, goddammit.

Tony: Aww. Can I still pretend you were. You'll seem cooler to me, then.

Jack: I'm plenty cool.

Tony: Please. You're like Richie to my Fonz.

Jack: ... Damn you.

Tony: Yeah, I rule.

Jack: How far are these warehouses?

Tony: Like I know. I don't think they're far, though. I hear engine noise.

Jack: We just came from the fucking airport. There's bound to be some noise.

Tony: Shup.

-----

The White House.

-----

(Mike Novick is walking towards the Oval office. He strides towards the door and is met by Pierce exiting the room)

Pierce: Hello Mike.

Novick: Pierce.

Pierce: The President said he doesn't want to be disturbed. He's playing on his Wii again.

Novick: Well this is more important. (He walks into the office. President Wayne Palmer is standing in a tennis stance facing a large TV)

Wayne: You could have knocked Mike.

Novick: Last time I knocked you said I should just walk in.

Wayne: Well... Ignore that and knock.

Novick: Yes Sir. I have here a report from CTU about the attack on that plane in Los Angeles.

Wayne: Well, put it on my desk. I'm practicing my forehand. (He swings the Wiimote around, failing to hit the on screen balls)

Novick: Looks like you need it... Sir. (Wayne glares at him) I'm leaving. (He walks outside to talk to Pierce) How did he become President?

Pierce: Didn't we discuss this about Logan?

Novick: Probably. Well, at least he isn't as dull as Logan.

Pierce: You know where Logan got to?

Novick: No idea.

Pierce: We will probably be told later.

-----

Warehouse Number 3.

-----

(Curtis and Chase pull up outside)

Chase: Chloe said the missile was shot from warehouse number 10.

Curtis: Then why not drive over there?

Chase: Because people with missiles usually have big guns too, and lookouts.

Curtis: Ok.

Chase: Right. (Notices something in the rearview mirror) Is that Tony and Jack?

Curtis: You're seeing things, foo... (Looks in rearview mirror and sees them too) Hey, it is Jack and Tony.

(They get out of the car and walk over to meet Jack and Tony)

Chase: JACK! (Runs to hug him, but Jack dodges and Tony gets hugged instead)

Tony: I'l give you till 3, then I pull your hand off. 1 .. (Chase lets go off Tony)

Jack: Good to see you, Chase. Curtis.

Curtis: Jack.

Chase: Jack.

Tony: Tony.

Curtis: How long you been back, Jack?

Jack: Bout 15 minutes.

Curtis: Did they hurt you?

Tony: He wasn't tortured. He had a hotel room. They treated him like a king.

Chase: Oh... You seem less awesome to me now.

Jack: (Shrugs) Meh. I know I'm awesome and that's all that counts... Oh, and my fans. (Indicates huge mass of woman behind a velvet rope across the street,

they are all calling his name as security guards hold them back)

Chase: Odd how we didn't notice them there when we arrived.

Tony: You know which warehouse the missile was shot from?

Curtis: Warehouse 10.

Tony: That's all the way over there. (Points)

Jack: Well duh, we need to scour the area for guards and stuff.

Tony: 'Spose. I say we just go in shooting.

Jack: And that's why I'm in charge.

Tony: Crap.

Jack: Now, you and Chase go around to the East of the warehouse, take Ted and Carl with you.

Tony: Oooooh, we get cannon fodder.

Chase: YAY!

Jack: Curtis and I will go around West with Johnson and Michaels.

Chase: Why use their surnames and not Ted and Carl's.

Jack: 'Cos I forgot their first names.

Tony: Owned.

Jack: Yes. Now, (Speaks in counterstrike voice) let's go team.

(Both teams walk around the warehouse they are at. Immediately Ted get's shot in the head)

Chase: Enemy spotted, teammate down... I'm going in. (Chase runs around the corner picking off the enemy) Enemy down. (On radio) One kill for me.

Jack: (On radio) This ain't a contest Chase... Enemy spotted... (Gunfire is heard) One for me.

Tony: This could take a while.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Tony: Well that didn't take long.

Jack: About 4 minutes I'd say.

Curtis: I got 6 kills.

Chase: 8.

Jack: 13.

Tony: 35!

Jack: What? How? CTU had reported 35 hostiles, total.

Tony: Warehouse 9, right?

Chase: 10!

Jack: What's in Warehouse 9?

Curtis: Textiles factory.

Jack: You killed 35 textiles workers, Tony. And there are 8 hostiles unaccounted for.

Carl: I killed them.

Chase: Who are you?

Carl: I'm Carl. Or "Cannon Fodder", as Mr. Almeida here called me.

Tony: Shut the fuck up, C.F.

Carl: No. No, I won't shut the fuck up. I've seen the way you talk down to us Tac guys. Thinking you're so high and mighty. 'I'm Tony Almeida, and I'm great

just 'cos I hang round with Jack Bauer. I have a drinking problem and an on-off relationship with my wife.'

Jack: HAHAHA, he got you there, Tony.

Carl: And you, Bauer. Mr 'I work at CTU, now I don't, now I'm back at CTU, now I'm out again.' MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP!

Chase: I think you need a lie down, Carl.

Carl: NO, I WILL NOT LIE DOWN! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED AND PUT IN THE BACKGROUND! WHO WILL SPEAK FOR ALL THE TAC GUYS LOST ON YOUR INSANE MISSIONS OF

BLOODLUST AND BULLETS!

(Curtis shoots Carl. Everyone stares at him in shock)

Curtis: What? Like he wasn't annoying the hell out of the rest of you.

Jack: True.

Chase: He did piss me off.

Tony: Now Curtis has 7 kills.

Jack: Well, this seems to be the place where they fired the missile. (Stares at a launching module)

Tony: This doesn't really help does it.

Chase: Not really, unless we find a computer, or a terrorist we didn't kill.

Jack: Well I didn't leave one. I shoot them in the head when they are down, so they don't rise back up again.

Curtis: Man, isn't that zombies?

Jack: Zombies, terrorists, same thing. Fan out and see what you can find. (They start to canvass the area for any clues and they meet back next to the

launching pad) Okay, whatcha got?

Tony: I got; a toothbrush, smells minty, a dead rat, smells REALLY bad, a diagram of a kids bouncy castle, smells of liquorice and a map of Prague, which

just has a papery smell.

Jack: Why smell all of the items? And why did you think any of these would help at all?

Tony: Shu'p. You said look for anything suspicious. So I did.

Jack: Okay, never mind. Chase?

Chase: I got nothing.

Jack: Curtis?

Curtis: I found a laptop, but it was shot up.

Jack: Dammit! DAMMIT!

Curtis: Errrr... I found a secret room though.

Jack: Go on...

Curtis: Erm that's it. I thought you'd want to enter it.

Jack: Oh, okies. Lead the way.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill approaches Chloe. Edgar is there)

Bill: We need to call in all the analysts we can to help with today's threat.

Chloe: Don't say it.

Bill: Why?

Chloe: I know who your gonna suggest, and my answer is no.

Bill: It might not be him I ask you to ring. Could be someone else. Could be Sarah Gavin, for instance.

Chloe: Who?

Edgar: You remember Sarah. Driscoll had her detained on suspicion of being a mole, that one time.

Chloe: Who?

Edgar: Erin Driscoll. She fired you, then left when her daughter Maya committed suicide in Medical.

Chloe: Who are these people?

Edgar: Remember that day with Marwan?

Chloe: Oh..those people. They were stupid.

Bill: Yes, they were. Now could you please ring up this person (Hands Chloe a card with a name on it) please?

Chloe: (Takes card) Will do, Bill. (Looks at card) Fuck! Knew that it'd be him you wanted. (Picks up phone and dials a number. She whistles to herself until

the phone is answered) Hello..Morris?

Edgar: Not her ex-husband, Bill?

Bill: This going to be a problem?

Edgar: Not really. I did win. But he might still be sore over it.

Bill: It'll be ok. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to brief President Palmer on the situation. (Walks to his office)

Chloe: Morris..stop that..black skirt and a blouse, why?.. god, you perv. Just get to CTU now. (Hangs up)

-----

The White House.

-----

(Wayne Palmer is sitting at his desk. Also in the room are Mike Novick, Tom Lennox and Karen Hayes)

Novick: CTU will be calling soon to update us on the Los Angeles plane crash. Are we still waiting on the Vice President? Who is the VP, by the way?

Wayne: He'll be here soon.

(All of a sudden, Charles Logan walks into the room)

Logan: My new office is crap compared to this one. Switch offices with me, Wayne.

Wayne: No. This is my office now.

Novick: Why..why does Logan have an office here?

Lennox: Mr Logan here is President Palmer's second in command.

Hayes: How the hell did that happen?

Novick: Who the hell knows and/or cares anymore? Freaky things happen in this world all the time.

Wayne: Exactly. That aside, let's get the Vice President up to speed.

Logan: No need Wayne. I know all about everything. Mike kept me appraised.

Wayne: Then let's discuss my next move.

Lennox: Sir, I propose detention centres spread around the city of Los Angeles.

Wayne: What good would that do?

Lennox: I don't know. I just thought it would be a good idea.

Logan: I'm sure that idea has been used before.

Hayes: Yes sir, by the Nazis in World War II.

Logan: Ahh yes. Them fellows. As I recall, that idea didn't bode well for them.

Hayes: Neither did the British Sir.

Wayne: Let's drop that idea Tom.

Lennox: (Reluctantly) Yes Sir.

Wayne: Anyone else for ideas?

Hayes: I say we wait for CTU to update us and go from there.

Logan: Splendid idea. Who's for tea whilst we wait?

Lennox: Tea?

Logan: Yes, picked up a liking for it when I was away in England.

Lennox: I prefer a strong coffee.

Hayes: Me too.

Wayne: You went to England?

Novick: I'll get someone to make the tea Sir.

(Wayne swivels around in his huge chair)

Logan: Fun isn't it?

Wayne: Yes.

(Wayne's phone rings)

Logan: That'll be CTU.

Wayne: Yes, I know. (Answers phone) Yello.

Bill: (On Phone) Mr. President, it's Bill Buchanan at CTU.

Wayne: Sup, Bill. You're also on with Charles Logan, Mike Novick, Karen Hayes.

Hayes: Hey Bill. Don't forget to feed Chewy.

Bill: (On Phone) I won't.

Wayne: And Tom Lennox is here as well, Bill.

Lennox: Bill.

Bill: (On Phone) Asshole.

Wayne: So, what's the situation, Bill.

Bill: (On Phone) Sir, Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida have joined up with our field teams to investigate the group of warehouses that the missile was fired from.

We expect to hear from them soon.

Novick: Have you any other leads, Bill?

Bill: (On Phone) We have a team examining the wreckage of the plane, to see if there was anything on board that could potentially lead us to the people

responsible, but so far, nothing.

Lennox: Are you saying, Bill, that CTU currently has no real leads, other than these warehouses, that may have been cleared out before your teams got there?

Bill: (On Phone) You are such an asshole, Lennox.

Hayes: Yeah!

Lennox: Should have known you'd pick his side.

Bill: (On Phone) You wanna go, Tommy Boy? C'mere and face me like a man.

Logan: Ooooh, a fight.

Novick: Calm down, everyone. I really don't think Tom needs a 3 hour plane flight and a punch in the face, as much as he may deserve it. Bill, brief us of

the situation again in forty five minutes.

Bill: (On Phone) Will do, Mike. Goodbye. (Hangs up)

Lennox: I could take him.

Wayne: No..you couldn't.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Dave knocks on the door)

Bill: Dave.

Dave: Bill. (Dave stands there expectantly)

Bill: Did you need something Dave?

Dave: Tony said you were going to fire me.

Bill: He can't keep his mouth shut about anything.

Dave: Especially not when it's something bad about someone other than him.

Bill: Look, Dave. Before we go any further I'm not firing you, I'm promoting you.

Dave: YES! In your face Tony.

Bill: Although this does mean you will be transferred to CTU San Fransisco.

Dave: Awwwww, it's all hilly and shit there.

Bill: Good for car chases though.

Dave: Hmmm, you have a point. Plus it has that large golden thing.

Bill: The Golden Gate Bridge?

Dave: Yeah, that.

Bill: So no hard feelings?

Dave: Nah. C'mere. (Hugs Bill)

Bill: Okay Dave.. That's enough now.

Dave: Thank you so much.

Bill: Jack warned me you were a clinger when you hug.

Dave: (Lets go of Bill) Sorry.

Bill: Just go pack and leave me alone.

-----

Warehouse 10.

-----

(Jack, Curtis, Chase and Tony are standing around a trap door)

Jack: So, where's this hidden room then, Curtis?

Curtis: Under this trap door, Jack.

Tony: Seems like we should be in there already. Wonder why we waited?

Curtis: (Shrugs) I'unno. (Shoots a glance at audience. Chase notices this)

Chase: What you glancing at?

Curtis: Nothing.

Tony: Just get in there already. (Opens trap door and pushes Chase into it. A crash is heard)

Chase: (OS) DAMMIT! I LANDED ON SOME METAL!

Jack: Sabaton?

Chase: (OS) STEEL!

Jack: Oh. Is there a light?

Tony: We have torches, don't we.

Jack: Oh yeah. (Pushes Curtis into the hole)

Curtis: (OS) CURSE YOU, BAUER! (Thud) OW!

Tony: If you try it...

Jack: I won't.

Tony: But if you do... I won't let you come to the barbeque on Saturday.

Jack: Oh, right. I do love those steaks. Off you go then. (Tony climbs down a ladder on the side of the shaft. He shouts up from the bottom)

Tony: It's really dark in here. (He walks into something) OW! Fucking metal stuff. (Jack see's torches turned on)

Jack: What do you see?

Chase: The metal stuff seems to be the wreckage from a failed missile launch. Probably hidden for when they left.

Curtis: I've found something.

Jack: What is it?

Curtis: Sweeeet, a playboy. (Silence is heard down the hole. Jack's sure he can hear the turning of pages)

Tony: AWWWWWW! Is that sticky? (Something falls to the floor)

Curtis: Let's leave that alone.

Jack: Have you guys found anything useful? (He hears them walk around. Tony bumps into something)

Tony: DAMMIT! What now? Oh it's a bin. Has some things shredded in it.

Jack: If that's all then lets take that back to CTU. Maybe they shredded it 'cos it's important. (All 3 agents climb out of the hole. They are all covered in

dust) Was it THAT dusty down there? (They all look at each other)

Chase: HAHA Tony. You're so dusty, you look like you've been in an attic for 50 years.

Tony: You can talk.

Chase: How'd you mean?

Tony: You're so dusty, you look like Jack's mother's...(Gun cocking)

Jack: Don't even say it, Tony.

Tony: Mantlepiece. It's very dusty. She doesn't clean well.

Jack: It's the arthritis. She can't even pick up a phone.

Tony: Lucky. My mother still calls me twice a day. Especially after I shot my dad, ya know.

Curtis: Sounds tough. I was born in the circus. The travelling show. My momma used to dance for the money folk threw.

Chase: Hold up, your singing Gypsys, Tramps and Thieves.

Curtis: Yep, tough folk where I come from.

Jack: It's a Cher song. Now can you girls quit yapping so we can head back to CTU, please?

-----

CTU.

-----

(Dave is all packed and ready to go to his new placement. There is a crowd of people gathered around him. Bill, Chloe and Edgar are there)

Dave: Well, guess this is it. Edgar, Chloe, I suppose I'll see you at the wedding.

Chloe: You're the best man, so we're guaranteed to see you there.

Dave: Ah, I'll miss your acerbic wit. (Hugs Chloe)

Chloe: Eddy, he's doing that thing again.

Edgar: Get off her now, Dave.

Dave: Yeah. (Turns to two gormless looking people) Paolo, Nikki. I wish I could say we cared about you. But frankly, that'd be lying. You show up from

no-where, acting as if you've been here all along. You do nothing of any noteworthy value, except use the toilets. I won't miss you in the slightest.

(Punches Paolo, who falls to the floor, unconcious) Wanted to do that since you showed up. Dick.

(Car horn beeps outside)

Bill: Your cab is here.

Dave: Guess this is it, then. End of an era. (Turns toward the door but turns back a second later to see everyone has gone back to work. Except Paolo, who is

still unconcious) Oh.

(Chloe looks in Dave's direction)

Chloe: You still here? Cab's waiting, genius.

(Dave sighs, turns and walks out the door, for the final time)

-----

Silent Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

CTU SUV.

-----

(Jack, Tony, Chase and Curtis are driving back to CTU. Chase and Curtis are in the back singing 'Lady Marmalade')

Jack: (To Tony) Please shoot them.

Tony: But they seem so happy. (Chase and Curtis are swaying in unison, clicking their fingers) Plus, remember the last guy I shot in a car?

Jack: That was... the narrator. But that was a fake shot.

Tony: Messy though.

Jack: Oh yeah. (Jack looks in the rearview mirror) This seems familiar.

Tony: It's from a movie trailer I seen on the net... Can't place the film.

Jack: It's pissing me off. (He turns to face Chase and Curtis) SHUT UP!

Chase: Jack, the road.

Jack: Never mind that. Just stop singing.

Curtis: But-

Jack: No buts!

Tony: A BIG RIG! (He steers away from the 18 wheeler himself)

Jack: Now you two be quiet. (He turns back to driving) There, be firm with them and they quiet down. (He sniffs) Did one of you let one go?

Chase: I think Curtis crapped himself.

Jack: Pansy.

-----

LA Warehouse.

-----

Omar: I can't reach Pete at the missile launch site.

Man: You think they have been captured or killed?

Omar: Probably.

Man: Oh, don't we need that launcher for the other missiles?

Omar: I will get us another. I know just the man to call. (He takes out a cell and dials a number) Hello?... Yes, I need something.

-----

The White House.

-----

(President Palmer is throwing paper planes out of a window. Logan, Pierce and Mike are outside trying to catch them)

Logan: YES! Another for me.

Pierce: (To Mike) He's deceptively fast.

Mike: And tall.

Logan: Come on chaps. Join in.

Mike: Yes Sir. (Mike jumps for a plane as Logan snatches it from in front of him) Dammit.

Wayne: (From his window) Having fun?

Pierce: (Feigning enthusiasm) Loads Sir.

Wayne: Awesome. Now get back up here, the beers have arrived.

Novick: Should we really be drinking in the middle of a crisis?

Logan: Meh, I was drunk most of my presidency.

Pierce: Explains a lot, sir.

Novick: Why he tried to declare war on Connecticut, anyway.

Logan: They deserved it. But at least Arkansas supported me.

Lennox: You threatened them with physical violence.

Novick: When'd you get out here?

Lennox: I'unno. I was in the bathroom one minute, the next I'm out here. It's like some divine power transported me here to say something.

Pierce: Yeah, about that. Shouldn't you kinda..pull those up? You're kind of exposed out here.

Lennox: Just go inside. I'll be right behind you.

(Logan, Pierce and Novick all walk inside the White House. Lennox tidies himself up and follows behind)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Chloe is working at her station. Morris sneaks up behind her and covers her eyes with his hands)

Morris: Guess who, love?

Chloe: You're the only British guy I know, Morris. It's gonna be you.

Morris: You're no fun since you got engaged to Ben Nevis over there.

Chloe: His name's Edgar.

Morris: I know his bloody name. It's on the invitation I got framed in my flat.

Chloe: Apartment.

Morris: I'm British. It's what we call it.

Chloe: Why have you got my wedding invitation framed in your apartment?

Morris: As a reminder of how I lost to LA Sumo over there.

Chloe: Enough with the fat jokes. My Eddy bear is on a diet.

Morris: Of chicken wings?

Chloe: No. (She hits him)

Morris: Oww.

(Bill walks over)

Bill: Ahhh, Morris glad you could make it.

Morris: Yeah well, didn't have much of a choice once Chloe here started ranting about things.

Bill: Tell me about it.

(Edgar walks over)

Edgar: Morris.

Morris: Eddy bear.

Edgar: Hey, only Chloe can call me that. And only when I wear the underwear with the teddys on it.

(Everyone goes silent. The whole room is staring at Edgar)

Chloe: Why did you have to mention that?

Edgar: I don't know. It just happened.

Bill: Like that time Tony 'happened' to shoot the chocolate machine.

Edgar: But he's Tony, he's like that.

Morris: And that's the way he is.

Edgar: Errr... Yeah.

Morris: It's from a song... Never mind. Show me what you need of me Bill.

Bill: Right. Chloe, have you heard from Jack?

Chloe: He, Tony, Chase and Curtis are on their way. Should be here any minute.

-----

CTU SUV.

-----

Jack: I hate to say it.

Chase: Where are we?

Tony: Jack got us lost.

Jack: I just... Yeah, we're lost.

Curtis: Let's ask for directions.

(Jack pulls the SUV over by a ragged looking man)

Tony: Excuse me. Could you tell us where we are?

Ragged Man: Kids these days, can't direct themselves for shit.

Tony: We ain't no kids. And you don't look over 40.

Ragged Man: I remember in my day we used to navigate by the position of the sun.

Tony: Huh?

Ragged Man: Used to sail along with only the sun and stars to help us. (He looks distant)

Tony: What?

Jack: Sir, this isn't the 18th century. And we aren't sailors.

Ragged Man: You're not? Then why are you wearing those clothes? Impersonating sailors are you? Despicable bastards.

Tony: (To Jack) This guy is clearly nuts. Let's leave.

Jack: Amen to that. (Jack floors the SUV and drives away)

Ragged Man: (Shouting) THAT'S RIGHT YOU RUN! FOR I AM ZUON FROM ARMOS 9, COME TO KILL YOU ALL!

Tony: Anyway, what do we do now?

Jack: I'll get Chloe to find us... Chase?

Chase: Yes?

Jack: Phone Chloe and get her to find us.

Chase: Sure. (Takes out his phone and dials)

Curtis: This had better work, Jackie Boy.

Jack: And why wouldn't it?

Curtis: She and Edgar may be up to things.

Tony: OH, GOD! NOT SOMETHING I NEEDED TO PICTURE. Hand me that de-icer, will ya, Jack.

Jack: Ok. (Hands Tony the de-icer, which he sprays directly into his eyes)

Tony: IT BURNS. AND THE IMAGE IS STILL THERE!

Chase: Ssshhh guys. She's answering.

Morris: (On Phone) Chloe's Phone?

Chase: Who is this?

Morris: (On Phone) Morris. Who's this?

Tony: GAH!

Morris: (On Phone) Who's scream of pain was that?

Chase: This is Chase Edmunds of Los Angeles CTU

Morris: (On Phone) Well, obviously, or you wouldn't have this number. Now state the purpose of your call.

Chase: (To Jack) Some British guy answered, and has made me not like him.

Jack: Give me the phone.

Tony: BYAH! BURNING!

Jack: Shut up. (Takes phone off Chase) Where is Chloe?

Morris: (On Phone) She's setting up a socket for me. Who the bloody hell is this now. You're not Chase.

Jack: I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer and we are running out of time.

Morris: (On Phone) Running out of time till when?

Jack: ... Till I feed you your own ass, now trace the location of this call, would ya. Our SUV driver got us lost.

Morris: (On Phone) CTU SUV's DO still have GPS, right? Why not use that?

Jack: I was going to. Just testing you, new kid.

Morris: (On Phone) I'm like, 40.

Jack: Shut up. Tell Bill we'll be arriving later than originally planned.

Morris: (On Phone) Alright. Want me to warm some milk for when you get here?

Jack: ... You're really loathsome, ya know that?

Morris: (On Phone) I have been told that, yes.

Jack: Good. (Hangs up.) You gonna be alright, Tony?

Tony: Yeah, I'm good. You're just a blur, but that'll be fine in about 10 minutes. Surprisingly not the first time I've done that.

Jack: I'm not surprised by that.

Chase: Me neither.

Curtis: You used hairspray last time.

Tony: Oh yeah, what was that for?

Curtis: For thinking of Edgar in a thong.

Tony: GODDAMMIT! IT WAS RHETORICAL JACKASS! (Sprays the de-icer into his eyes again)

Chase: My turn after you Tony.

-----

LA Warehouse.

-----

(Omar is pacing up and down waiting for a phonecall)

Omar: Why hasn't he called back yet?

Man: Maybe he's busy.

Omar: He's a President, he's never busy.

Man: Maybe- (Omar's phone rings)

Omar: Excellant. (He answers) Hello?

Caller: (On Phone) I have what you need.

Omar: Good. Delivery it to me as soon as you can.

Caller: (On Phone) Same address?

Omar: Yes.

Caller: (On Phone) Right. I expect payment when my people arrive.

Omar: Certainly, Mr Bauer.

Caller: (On Phone) Call me Phillip.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Kim has walked into CTU)

Kim: Hi Chloe.

Chloe: Oh, hi Kim.

Morris: Hello Kim.

Kim: Hi... British guy. Chloe, you seen my dad?

Chloe: He's on his way here.

Kim: Oh cool. I'll just wait. (She sits in a swivelly chair) Ohhh. (She spins around and around)

Edgar: (To Chloe) That's not going to end well.

(Kim stops spinning and stands up takes a step and falls on the floor)

Chloe: It's funny 'cos she's done it twice this week.

Edgar: She never learns.

(Bill walks over)

Kim: (From the floor) Hi Bill.

Bill: (Stepping over her) Hello Kim. Chloe, I need you to check some chatter we got on the NSA watch list about Omar Spalding.

Chloe: On it.

Bill: Morris, I need you to help co-ordinate things with the DoD.

Morris: Right you are.

Bill: Edgar... Make me some coffee, 2 sugars.

Chloe: I'll have one too dear.

Kim: (From the floor) Me too.

Morris: I wouldn't mind a tea.

(Edgar walks off mumbling to himself)

Kim: (From the floor) Help?

Bill: I have work to do. (He steps over her and walks away)

Morris: Me too. (Walks to his desk)

Kim: (From the floor) Chloe?

Chloe: Only if you promise not to do it again.

Kim: (From the floor) Fine.

(Chloe grabs Kim's hand and pulls her to her feet)

Chloe: There ya go.

Kim: You're so strong. Some lady is gonna be lucky to have you.

Chloe: I'm not a lesbian.

Kim: Aren't you?

Chloe: I'm engaged to Edgar.

Kim: YOU ARE!?

Chloe: You're my Maid of Honour.

Kim: Isn't that a video game?

Random CTU Guy walking past: Medal of Honour.

Kim: Sweet, I get a medal.

Chloe: (Sighs) Are you just here waiting for your dad?

Kim: Yeah. S'boring in the house with Michelle and those kids.

Chloe: It's 2 kids. Well, 1 five year old and a baby. Can't be that strenuous, can it?

Kim: Meh. (Shrugs) They're too smart for me, anyway. Especially Tony's one.

Chloe: She's like, 1.

Kim: So What's your point?

Chloe: No point. Just go wait in the canteen. Here's five dollars for the machines.

Kim: Oooh, candy. (Takes money and runs off squealing excitedly)

Chloe: She must have been dropped.

(Edgar comes over)

Edgar: That's for sure. Hey, where's Morris. I got his tea right here. (Leans in to whisper to Chloe) I've spat in it. Hehe.

-----

CTU.

-----

(The SUV is now back in the city. The GPS system is directing Jack back to CTU)

GPS: Turn right.

Jack: (Looks around) What right?

Tony: Let me shoot it. Please. (Begins to take out his gun)

GPS: Put down the gun, Almeida.

Chase: Is that GPS self aware?

Curtis: Fool, that's crazy talk.

Tony: Let's not wait around to find out. (Shoots GPS)

Jack: Another GPS shooting, Tony?

Tony: They have too much freedom these days. Next left.

Jack: I know.

Chase: Why'd you have GPS on if you knew where you were going?

Jack: 'Cos we were lost.

Curtis: Oh, yeah.

Jack: Plus, I know where we are now... See, there's CTU. (He pulls into the compound and into the carpark) Right. Let's go.

(They all exit the SUV and head into CTU)

Tony: Hey, you guys ever wonder about Wookiee sex.

Curtis: Dude, that's wrong.

Chase: You asked me if I think Yoda wacks one off 'cos he's the only one of his kind left.

Curtis: Man, the guy's gotta get his tension off somehow.

Jack: This conversation turned weird in record time I think.

Tony: Would you guys do Princess Leia if she was your sister?

Curtis: Hells yeah.

Jack: Definately weird.

(They all walk onto the main CTU floor. Kim runs over and kisses Chase)

Chase: Hi sweety.

Kim: Hi Chase, Daddy and the others.

(A woman runs over and kisses Curtis)

Curtis: S'happenin' girl.

Tony: (To Jack) Wait... Curtis gets a welcome kiss and not us?

Jack: Well your wife is at home with the kids and... I don't have anyone.

(A guy runs over towards Tony)

Tony: Uh-oh.

Guy: Hey Tony! Welcome back, I heard you want a welcome back kiss.

Tony: Not from you because I ain't gay.

Guy: Awww, worth a shot. (He walks off)

Jack: Who's he?

Tony: Cafeteria guy. He... 'likes' me 'cos I said he had nice hair.

Jack: Ohhhhh. HAHAHAHA!

Tony: Yeah rub it in.

Jack: I'll leave that to him, if that's alright.

Tony: ... You want me to shoot you?

Jack: Who would answer 'Yes' to that?

Tony: Idiots? Dave, for one.

Jack: Yeah. Wonder how he's getting on?

Tony: Who cares. Wanna coffee?

Jack: Oooh, coffee.

-----

Outside LA Warehouse.

-----

(A car pulls up. Out step 2 suited bodyguards and Phillip Bauer. They are greeted by Omar)

Omar: Mr. Bauer, I was not expecting you. I was expecting one of your sons to come and finalise our deal.

Phillip: The bald one, the dead one or the government agent?

Omar: The bald one.

Phillip: Ah, Graem. The apple from my tree.

Omar: Is that a euphamism?

Phillip: Probably. Do you have the money?

Omar: Do you have the goods?

Phillip: Yes.

Omar: Then I also have what you want.

Phillip: Show me the money and I will have my men bring what you want.

Omar: STEVE! BRING THE MONEY! (A man runs over with a briefcase) Here. (Steve opens the case and shows the money to Phillip)

Phillip: Thank you. (He takes out a phone and dials a number) Bring it round. (He hangs up) Was a pleasure doing business with you again Omar. Just don't

fire those things around my company okay?

Omar: We won't.

Phillip: Because if you do, we will track you down and punish you brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Omar: Errrm, okay.

(A truck pulls into the warehouse lot and is waved through inside the building)

Steve: I'll check it out. (He runs inside and opens the rear of the truck and sees the launch module. He heads back outside) It's the real deal boss.

Omar: Good. (He hands the briefcase of money to Phillip) Enjoy.

Phillip: Oh I will.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Chloe has pieced together the paper that Jack had brought her)

Chloe: There, I'm done. (Kim walks over)

Kim: Hey Chloe. My dad said to ask you for something to do 'cos I was giving him a migraine.

Chloe: Well I don't know what I can give you that's simple.

Kim: Oh, I could clear your desk for you. (She sweeps the carefully pieced papers into a bin) There. That's better.

Chloe: I NEEDED THEM BITCH! (Kim starts to cry) Crap.

(In Bill's office Bill, Jack and Tony are discussing Jack's time in China. Tony is trying to 'decipher' Jack's words)

Jack: It wasn't like that. I was pampered.

Tony: They punched him

Jack: I even had a TV.

Tony: They had him on an IV.

Jack: No one layed a finger on me.

Tony: They put their fingers in him.

Jack: Tony's an ass.

Tony: I'm an ass... (Jack and Bill are sniggering) HEY! I can't believe I fell for that.

Jack: Yeah, you're an idiot.

Tony: You're the one who let the Chinese capture you.

Jack: They outnumbered me. I couldn't fight them all off.

Bill: Wow. Something got the better of Jack Bauer. Amazing. But anyway, we're no nearer to finding Spalding.

Jack: What country is he from?

Bill: Why?

Jack: We could... invade their consulate.

Tony: That's your solution to everything, isn't it. You had a Porsche that broke down once, you wanted to invade the German consulate.

Jack: Yeah, how about my fist invade the consulate of YOUR FACE! HA, I WIN!

Tony: Win what? This was a contest?

Jack: (Shrugs) I'unno.

Bill: Ladies, please. Edgar HAS managed to find a possible lead for Spalding. A number of phone calls to BXJ Technologies over the past 5 months.

Jack: What Technologies?

Bill: BXJ! (Tony sniggers) Something funny, Tony?

Tony: Take out the 'X'.

Bill: BJ .. oh, I get it. Funny.

Jack: Enough about that. Bill, BXJ Technologies is my Father's company.

Tony: How is Phillip?

Jack: Not spoken to him in like.. 10 years or whatever it is.

Tony: So, he's good.

Jack: Meh. But seriously. Bill, let me go speak to my father, see what he knows.

Tony: Can I come?

Jack: Yeah, alright.

Tony: Leet.

Jack: What?

Tony: I said leet.

Jack: What does that even mean?

Bill: I'm sure I heard Curtis say it when he was playing games on his computer.

Tony: It's leetspeak. (Jack and Bill look at him blankly) Never mind.

Jack: Okay. Let's rumble.

Tony: What, are we gonna box?

Jack: Shut up.

(He and Tony head out of Bill's office and onto the main floor. Morris is trying to calm down Chloe, who seems to be angry about something)

Morris: You need to calm down love.

Chloe: I'm not your 'love', and I am calm.

Morris: Calm? You stapled my tie to the desk.

Tony: Nice one Chloe.

Chloe: Thanks.

Jack: Why so cranky Chloe?

Chloe: It's your stupid daughter.

Jack: Oh. Explains alot. Can't stop though, have to go.

Chloe: Take her with you? Please.

Tony: Hell no. If I get angry I shoot stuff. And then Jack throws me out of the car.

Jack: I don't even wait for it to stop.

Tony: And that really hurts. (He rubs his side in rememberence)

Jack: Let's go. Kim doesn't seem to be around.

(Jack and Tony head to the garage. They get into Jack's SUV)

Jack: Aaahhhh. My car. It'll be good to drive this again.

Tony: It's exactly the same as the one you drove earlier.

Jack: No! (He rubs the dashboard) He doesn't mean it.

Tony: Yeah I do.

Jack: Quiet.

Kim: Where are we going?

Jack: AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Tony: HOLYMOTHERINHELL!!

Jack: Tony, language.

Tony: Jack, shut up.

Kim: Kim, scorpio.

Jack: You were born in July.

Kim: Capricorn?

Jack: Cancer.

Kim: I'm dying? (Starts to cry)

Jack: No, you're not dying, sweetie. It's just your star sign.

Kim: (Stops crying and reverts to her usual self instantly) Oh, cool. Can I have some money to buy shoes?

Jack: I don't have any money on me.

Kim: But... I want shoes.

Jack: Go ask Chase.

Kim: I can't. Everytime I mention shoes, he gets this glazed far off look in his eyes.

Tony: Same thing happens to me when Michelle mentions furniture.

Jack: I'm glad to be single, then.

Kim: Does Audrey know you're back, Daddy?

Jack: Let's not bother her with that news, ok sweetheart?

Kim: Meh. I didn't really like her anyway.

(Tony's phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket)

Tony: It's Michelle. Wonder what she wants. (Answers phone) Ola?

Michelle: (On Phone) How are things going there?

Tony: Great. We have some more leads and are checking them now. Everything seems under control.

Michelle: (On Phone) Good. Then I want you to come home and help me choose some new furniture.

(Tony gets a far off look in his eyes)

Jack: She must want some new furniture.

Tony: Uh-huh... (He shakes the look) Wait, I can't come home. I have work to do. Plus Bill would shout at me.

Michelle: (On Phone) Then shout back.

Tony: That doesn't work. Last time I did that he used a megaphone next to my ear and I was deaf for days.

Jack: (To Kim) We abused him soo much during that time.

Tony: I'm sorry honey. You'll have to wait until we get these terrorists. Love you. (He hangs up) Damn demanding woman.

Jack: Hey Tony, I wanna buy some new furniture. Wanna help me pick some out?

Tony: Sure. (He looks far away)

Jack: Sweet. Let's go see my dad.

Kim: YAY! I get to see grampee.

Tony: Grampee Bauer. Someday you'll be known as that Jack.

Jack: Oh great. Another 'good' thing to look forward to in my old age. (He starts the engine and they leave the garage)

-----

BXJ Technologies.

-----

(Phillip Bauer is looking through a yacht brochure. He places a call through to his secretary)

Phillip: Order the 2nd yacht from page 7 in that brochure I gave you Sandra.

Sandra: (On Intercom) Yes Mr. Bauer. There is a man at the front desk asking for you. Says his name is Dmitri Gredenko.

Phillip: Send him up then.

Sandra: (On Interom) Yes Sir.

-----

The White House.

-----

(Wayne, Lennox, Logan and Novick are all quite drunk. Pierce has kept sober)

Novick: You know Tom, you're a complete.. a complete.. errrr...

Logan: Prick?

Novick: YES! You got it Sir. Your turn.

Logan: My what? Oh... Pierce, you.. are a...

Wayne: Man?

Logan: Absolutely Sir. Bravo.

Lennox: What is this game again?

Pierce: I have no idea Sir.

Novick: Mr. President, we need some more alcohol.

Wayne: On it. (He picks up his phone. The dial tone is heard) Sharon.. Send us some more Booze-

Novick: And alcohol.

Wayne: -And alcohol, brilliant. (He puts the phone down) Taken care of.

Lennox: I advise against more drink Sir.

Wayne: Shut it. I hate you.

(A knock on the door is heard)

Wayne: That will be our booze and alcomahols.

Lennox: Where's the funnel and hose?

Novick: I KNEW IT! HE'S GAY!

(Door opens. Karen Hayes enters)

Hayes: Why did no-one answer... WHAT THE HELL!?

Wayne: I can explain... We were here, soberly discussing my foreign policy, when these terrorists burst in, right? And they tied us all up, and forced us to

drink. Then, they jumped out the window, and vomited on your car down there, see. (Points out window) Pierce then came back in and untied us.

Hayes: Where was he whilst this was happening?

Pierce: Ummm... Out..buying... beers.

Hayes: There were no terrorists, were there Mike?

Novick: I was too drunk to notice whether or not these terrorists commited the dastardly deeds they have been accused of probably commiting.

Hayes: Right.

Lennox: Hey, Karen, heads up. (Throws a full beer of bottle at her)

Hayes: Gyah! (Catches bottle)

Logan: Wow..the reflexes of an... owl.

Hayes: Mr President. Are either you or your VP fit to continue running the country?

Wayne: Of course. As soon as I stop the floor spinning .. or the walls. Whichever comes first.

Hayes: That's a no. Pierce, call the... who's third in line?

Logan: NO! WE CAN DO THIS! (Stands up) Give us twenty minutes and a jug of coffee.

Hayes: Yes sir. And put away your... package.

Logan: (Looks down) Whoops, must have slipped out.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

(Karen re-enters the Oval Office)

Hayes: How's everyone feeling?

Wayne: Everything has stopped spinning but my head feels like it's being crushed by a sumo wrestler.

Logan: Plus you threw up on Mike.

Novick: So did you... Sir. (Mike is wearing a Presidential bathrobe. He seems to have showered) But now I'm squeeky clean. (Pierce rubs his hand over Mike's

head and a squeeking sound is heard)

Pierce: I'll say.

Hayes: Did you wax your head Mike.

Novick: (Shiftily) No. (His head gleams in the sunlight blinding Lennox)

Lennox: Jesus! My eyes! (He stumbles over a table onto the floor)

Hayes: Well, if you are all fit for duty, My husband wants to talk with you.

Wayne: Put him through.

Hayes: Yes Sir.

(Wayne walks to his desk. He waits for the flashing light on his phone and presses the speakerphone button)

Wayne: Bill. You are on with Myself, Vice President Logan, and some other people I can't be bothered to name.

Bill: (On Phone) Right. Hello other people. (Novick, Lennox and Pierce greet Bill) We have new intelligence concerning the terrorist attacks here today.

Logan: Brilliant. Time to celebrate. (He opens another beer can)

Bill: (On Phone) Did I hear beer cans opening?

Logan: (Hides the can behind his back) No...

Novick: He can't see you Sir.

Logan: I know that. (Drinks his beer)

Lennox: What intel is this Bill.

Bill: (On Phone) Shut up Lennox. Mr President, we have a link between the terrorist leader and Phillip Bauer.

Wayne: Is he related to Jack?

Bill: (On Phone) It's his father Sir.

Logan: Ooooh, a predicament.

Novick: Hey Sir, you said 'dick'. (Raises hand for a high five)

Logan: Sweet. (High fives Novick)

Lennox: Dick. (Raises hand, but all he gets is blank stares) Fine, self five. (Slaps hands together)

Bill: (On Phone) Ha, Lennox got denied. How's that taste, Tim? Bitter? Yes, good.

Wayne: So, Bill. What's this link you have between Jack Bauer's father and the terrorist leader?

Bill: (On Phone) For the past 5 months, Phillip Bauer's company, BXJ technologies has been receiving phone calls from the man we believe to be behind today's

attacks, Omar Spalding.

Logan: These phone calls can be exclusively linked to Phillip Bauer?

Bill: (On Phone) Not exactly, but Jack and Tony have gone over there to find out what Phillip knows.

Logan: I see. Have you any other news for us at the moment, Bill?

Bill: (On Phone) Not at the moment Sir, no. But I'll inform you as soon as I do.

Lennox: Ok, Bill.

Bill: (On Phone) You still alive?

Hayes: Ok, We'll speak to you later, Bill. G'bye. Feed the dog. (Hangs up)

Lennox: Why does he hate me?

Hayes: Cos you're a fucktard?

Logan: That's probably why. (Looks at watch) And that's lunch, everyone.

(Everyone gets up and leaves, including Mike, still in the robe)

Wayne: (As they're heading out the door) You're gonna change, right Mike?

Mike: (Off Screen) WHERE ARE MY PANTS!?

-----

BXJ Technologies. Reception Area.

-----

(Jack, Tony and Kim have entered the building. Jack walks over to the receptionist)

Jack: Hello, my name is Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

Receptionist: Riiiight. What are you here for?

Jack: I'm here to see my father.

Receptionist: If you are talking about Phillip Bauer, he's in a meeting right now. Can I take a message?

Jack: Nope. I need to see him. (He shows her his badge) Government business.

Receptionist: I'll tell him you are coming up. Just take the 3rd elevator to floor 16 then the 4th elevator to the top floor.

Jack: Danke. Let's go team.

Kim: I get to be part of a team? Do we get uniforms? I'd like mine to be green, it goes with my eyes...

Jack: You don't get a uniform. And Tony hates green clothes.

Tony: A drunk Irish guy touched me once.

Kim: Oh... Fine.

(They head to the elevators and get in the third one. Some cheesy music plays)

Tony: I hate this music. Why can't John Williams do elevator music.

Jack: Yeah, Duel of the Fates rocked. Kor-ah, Mah-tah, Kor-ah, Rah-tah-mah. Kor-ah, Rah-tah-mah. Yood-hah, Kor-ah.

Tony: What the fuck? Are they the lyrics to Duel of the Fates?

Jack: No... (The elevator stops) Right, next elevator. (They exit and head to an elevator down the hallway) Stupid building not having one straight to the

top. (The elevator opens and a bearded man exits, Jack steps aside)

Bearded Man: (In a russian accent) Thank you.

Jack: You're welcome.

-----

BXJ Technologies. Phillip Bauer's Office.

-----

Phillip: Sandra, is my son there yet?

Sandra: (On Intercom) He's just arrived Sir.

Phillip: Stall him. For about 5 minutes.

Sandra: (On Intercom) Yes Sir.

(Outside the office Jack, Tony and Kim are waiting to enter)

Sandra: He is on the phone right now, he will be a few minutes.

Jack: We don't have a few minutes.

Kim: Sure we do.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack: Guess we had a bit of time spare.

Sandra: Go on through.

(The three head into Phillip's office)

Phillip: It's good to see you again Jack.

Jack: Dad.

Kim: GRAMPEE!! (She runs over and hugs him)

Phillip: Hello Kim. Are you working for Jack now?

Kim: Nope. Just wanted some money and he wouldn't give me some. (She looks sad)

Phillip: He always was careful with his money.

Jack: We haven't come here for small talk dad.

Phillip: You have my ear.

Kim: We do? Dad, what have you done with Grampee's ear?

Tony: Goddammit. Kim here. (He hands her some money) Go away now. Shoo.

Kim: YAY! Thanks Tony. (She runs out of the office)

Jack: Now to business.

Phillip: You always were to the point Jack. I assumed this wasn't a social call.

Tony: Then you were correct.

Jack: Quiet Tony, he's MY father.

Tony: What?

Jack: We want information on Omar Spalding. Now.

Phillip: I don't know who that is.

Tony: We have ways of making you talk, Cheesesteak.

Jack: Yeah... wait, wha... CHEESESTEAK!? The fuck you call my dad Cheesesteak for?

Tony: His name's Phillip. (Jack stares blankly) Phillip, Phil, Philly, Philly Cheesesteak, Cheesesteak.

Jack: Riiiiiight. How 'bout you go sit over there?

Tony: Nah, I'm good here.

Jack: Whatever. But like he said, Dad, we have ways of making you talk.

Tony: Shoot him.

Jack: I'm not gonna shoot my dad. I'm not you.

Tony: Way to bring up the past, dickmunch. And I meant shoot him in the knee. Hell, above the knee, even, so he can still walk.

Jack: That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. But it's all we have. (Shoots Phillip in the thigh. He screams in pain and falls to the floor) WHERE IS

OMAR SPALDING!?

Phillip: I don't know who you are talking about.

Jack: I'll ask you again, and if you don't answer me, the next one will be in your kneecap. Where is Omar Spalding? 1 (Points gun at Phillip's knee)

Tony: 2. (Points his own gun at Phillip's knee)

Jack: What you doing?

Tony: Helping you. Get it done twice as fast with two guns.

Jack: You know what overkill means?

Tony: No. Do you know what a kumquat is? 'Cos I think it's something dirty and sordid, but Michelle thinks it's a fruit.

Phillip: It's a fruit, gets it's name from the tree on which it grows.

Tony: Oh, thanks, Cheese.

Phillip: Don't mention it.

Tony: Now where is Spalding?

Phillip: Why should I know?

Jack: Because he's been in contact with the company over the past 5 months.

Phillip: Maybe he was talking to the cleaner?

Tony: I very much doubt that.

Phillip: Let me check my computer.

(Tony shoots his computer)

Jack: WHAT THE FUCK!? Stop shooting stuff dammit!

Tony: It was the computer or him.

Jack: ...Fine. Dad, tell me about Omar.

Phillip: Okay. We had a deal for him to get rid of some stuff on the cheap, rather than go through the more expensive legal channels.

Jack: Such as?

Phillip: I don't know.

Jack: Now this is just plain lying.

Phillip: Your brother handled it all Jack. He said he didn't want me knowing about it.

Tony: Which brother now? All of these Bauers give me a headache.

Phillip: Graem.

Tony: The balding one? Didn't you bone his wife Jack?

Jack: Yes. Yes I did. Now let's leave that alone. Dad, where is Graem.

Phillip: He took some days off, didnt say what he was doing. You could try him at the house.

Jack: Right. You should get that leg seen to. Let's go Tony.

Tony: SIR! YES SIR! (He marches out)

-----

Some Shoe Shop.

-----

(Kim is trying on some shoes as she waits for Jack and Tony. Her cellphone rings, caller ID says 'Daddy')

Kim: Hey dad.

Jack: (On Phone) Hey sweetie. Where are you?

Kim: In the shop across the street.

Jack: (On Phone) Well, we have to go now.

Kim: I haven't choosen the right shoes yet. Come and meet me here. (She hangs up)

(Outside the window Jack and Tony can be seen across the street. Jack seems annoyed at his phone. Tony puts a hand on his shoulder. Jack says some things and

points at the shop. Tony nods and walks across the street and into the shop)

Tony: Kim. Jack really wants you to come outside now.

Kim: Should I get the red or the black ones?

(Tony looks out of the window and shrugs. Jack phones him)

Tony: Hello, Agent Almeida speaking.

Jack: It's me moron.

Tony: Oh, Kim said she can't decide on her shoes.

Jack: Great. We could be here all day.

Tony: Should we just leave her?

Jack: She'll only get lost... I'll get Dave out here pick her up.

Tony: Who?

Jack: Dave.

Tony: Didn't he die, or leave or summin'?

Jack: Oh snap. Just buy her all the ones she stuck on.

Tony: (Sighs) Fine. (Hangs up and turns back to Kim) Kim, your dad says I gotta buy you all the shoes you can't decide on.

Kim: So I can have loads more time to make my decision and then return the ones I didn't choose?

Tony: How am I suppose to know how he thinks? His brain is all fucked up from Chinese torture. Now just pay so we can get out of here.

-----

CTU Cafeteria.

-----

(Chase and Curtis are sitting silently at a table, drinking coffee)

Chase: (Breaking the silence) What did you get?

Curtis: Espresso. You?

Chase: Mocha Latte.

Curtis: Nice... Irish?

Chase: What?

Curtis: Is it Irish?

Chase: Italian, I think?

Curtis: I mean, have you MADE it Irish?

Chase: I didn't make it, Doris behind the counter did.

Curtis: ... You're an idiot, aren't you.

(Bill enters the cafeteria. He approaches Chase and Curtis)

Bill: Yo, Starsky and Hutch.

Curtis: You mean us?

Bill: Yeah, why you ask?

Chase: Well, you could have gone with Crockett and Tubbs.

Bill: Who are they?

Curtis: Never mind. What you want us for?

Bill: Morris has been monitoring NSA chatter, apparently for the fun of it 'cos no-one's told him what to do, and he picked up something

about Omar Spalding. Seems he's been meeting with a man called Gredenko. We ran the name and an LA address came up. Jack and Tony are too

far out, so we need you guys to go check it out.

Chase: Cool, a mission.

Curtis: To the General Lee! (He points his finger towards the cafeteria exit)

Bill: That's The Dukes Of Hazzard moron.

Curtis: Shut it. Let's go Hutch.

Chase: Okay, but I'm driving. You've been drinking.

Curtis: Oh, now you get the Irish reference.

(They both leave. Bill waits. Curtis pops his head in the door)

Curtis: I forgot to ask for the address.

Bill: Idiot.

-----

White House Cafeteria.

-----

(Logan is at the buffet. Lennox walks over)

Lennox: May I have a few words Sir?

Logan: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup... no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold onto that one.

Lennox: Damn, could have used that syrup on these. (Holds up a plate of pancakes) Sir, I meant could we talk about some things, things concerning President

Palmer.

Logan: Go ahead Tim.

Lennox: It's Tom Sir.

Logan: Could have sworn I heard you called Tim earlier...

Lennox: That was because Bill said it to me earlier.

Logan: Ah yes, carry on Tim.

Lennox: (Sighs) I was wondering if you would back my proposal Sir.

Logan: I don't swing that way Tim. (Logan walks away)

Lennox: What just happened?

Novick: (Appearing from somewhere) He's very dull.

Lennox: I get that. How did he become Vice President? Hell President even?

Novick: It's a modern wonder that.

(Palmer is eating his food and reading a dossier. Logan sits next to him)

Logan: I just had a proposal from Tim Lennox.

Palmer: I knew he swung that way.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Tony and Kim are playing 20 questions. Tony is wining 14 to nothing)

Kim: You are good at this game.

Tony: that's why it's 14 nothing to me.

Jack: You are very sad Tony.

Tony: For beating a stupid person at 20 questions. No offence Kim.

Kim: Huh?

Tony: Never mind.

Kim: Right, my turn. (Thinks) Right, got something.

Tony: Dog

Kim: OHMIGODYOUARESOPSYCHICORSOMETHING!

Tony: Yeah, I'm psychic. (Quietly to himself) Helps that you haven't chosen anything OTHER than dog the past 14 times either.

Kim: What was that?

Tony: Nothing.

Jack: Hey, Kim. D'ya know if your uncle Graem has moved in the time I've been away?

Kim: He's not told me. But then again, no one tells me anything.

Jack: No surprise there. (Takes out his cell-phone and dials CTU) I just hope that British guy doesn't answer this time.

Edgar: (On Phone) Hello?

Jack: Edgar, it's Jack, I need you to locate an address for me on the name Graem (Falls asleep, leaving the SUV to veer off the road slightly)

Edgar: (On Phone) Graem who?

Tony: WHOA, JACK, WAKE UP! (Shakes Jack with one hand while straightening the car with the other)

Jack: (Wakes up) Sorry, Jetlag got to me. You still there, Edgar?

Edgar: (On Phone) Yeah. Graem what, Jack?

Jack: Graem Bauer.

Edgar: (On Phone) He a relative of yours?

Jack: He's my brother.

Edgar: (On Phone) Another brother who may be evil? How did you end up as you are?

Jack: Meh. Luck, I guess. Plus, I walked away from the family a decade ago.

Edgar: (On Phone) Ah. This search'll take a few minutes. You got time to kill?

Jack: Not really.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack: And that's everything that's happened to me until right this minute.

Edgar: (On Phone) Wow. That's some life. Ooh, search is done.

Jack: Lay it on me.

Edgar: (On Phone) He lives in Wiltshire Street. Ooohhh, posh.

Jack: Same place then. Bye Edgar. (He hangs up and drops his phone on the floor) Whoops. Tony pick up my phone will you.

Tony: Fine. (He reaches down and searches the floor for the phone) Where is it... And this seems SO gay right now.

Jack: Who's going to notice? (They slowly overtake a bus full of people who look shocked as they past) Oh. (Tony sits up, phone in hand)

Tony: What?

Jack: Nothing.

Tony: A bus load of people saw us didn't they.

Jack: Well, one side at least.

Tony: Dammit. (Tony's phone rings. He answers) Hey Michelle.. What? I wasn't.. How did.. The bus, right. I was retrieving Jack's phone from the floor.. YES..

Okay.. Love you too. (He hangs up) Great, Michelle was on that bus.

Jack: Burn.

Tony: Yeah, I'm sure I'm gonna pay for that.

Jack: Oh well. Shame.

Tony: She wants to see you later as well.

Jack: Frick! I'll just have to use my charm and talk my way through it.

Tony: But she's a frigging genius when it comes to telling people off. Last week she even got Curtis to appologise.

Jack: Sweet Jesus that's good. Usually he says 'Nah dawg. I ain't sorry... Fo shizzle.'

Tony: You added that 'fo shizzle' bit didn't you.

Jack: Lil' bit.

Tony: Point is you will have to face her wrath or never come round the house again.

Jack: But we work with her.

Tony: Shit, forgot about that. You're doomed I tell ya. DOOOOOOMED!

Jack: I'll send Kim in to smooth things over. (They look back at Kim who has braided her hair with some shoelaces from her new shoes)

Tony: Like that'll work.

Jack: I AM doomed aren't I.

Tony: It was nice knowing you. (He hugs Jack)

Jack: Get offa me. We ain't gonna have to see her for hours yet.

Tony: Oh yeah. (Stops the hug) Can I hug you then?

Jack: Now who's being gay?

Tony: I'm just emotional is all.

Jack: Sure...

Tony: (Changing the subject) So sports, eh?

-----

Chase's SUV.

-----

(Chase is driving)

Curtis: Something beginning with (Looks around) 'A'.

Chase: Ambulance?

Curtis: Nope.

Chase: Airplane?

Curtis: Nope.

Chase: Ass?

Curtis: Yyyyyynope.

Chase: You sure it's not 'ass'?

Curtis: Yeah... You give up?

Chase: Meh.

Curtis: It was Aristocrat.

Chase: WHAT?! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GUESS THAT?

Curtis: ... Luck?

Chase: Whatever. What's this address again?

Curtis: Umm, it's already programmed in the GPS.

Chase: Ah.

(Curtis' cell-phone rings. He answers it)

Curtis: O' Manning?

Dave: (On Phone) Curtis! It's so good to hear your voice.

Curtis: Who is this?

Dave: (On Phone) It's Dave.

Curtis: Oh, rite. (To Chase) You know a Dave?

Chase: Yeah, he worked at CTU for like 2 years until he got transferred earlier today.

Curtis: Oh, him. Now I know. (Goes back to phonecall) So how's..wherever you got transferred to?

Dave: (On Phone) I hate it here.

Curtis: Well... We miss you?

Dave: (On Phone) Awwwww, I miss you too. I still have those photos I took of us at Jack's birthday party.

Curtis: I don't remember no photos.

Dave: (On Phone) I think you were unconcious.

Curtis: Sweet. I party hard.

Chase: Yeah, and you keep breaking stuff around the house when you do.

Curtis: Well... Shu'p and drive. Dave, we have work to do now, I'll get Jack to call you sometime.

Dave: (On Phone) Don't worry, I'm about to call him now. Bye.

Curtis: Whatever. (He hangs up) He seems miserable... Was he like that here?

Chase: He was happy here, don't you remember him at all?

Curtis: (Thinking) Was he black?

Chase: You're an idiot.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Jack's cellphone rings)

Jack: I don't wanna drop this again. (He tosses it to Tony) Answer it. (Tony does so)

Tony: Jack's phone.

Dave: (On Phone) Tony! Good to hear your voice again.

Tony: Who is this?

Dave: (On Phone) It's Dave.

Tony: Come again?

Dave: (On Phone) I'M DAVE YOU FREAKING IDIOT!

Tony: No need to shout.

Dave: (On Phone) Put Jack on please.

Tony: He's driving.

Dave: (On Phone) Then could I talk to you about how I feel here?

Tony: Hold on. Jack, it's for you. (He holds the phone over to Jack)

Jack: Is it important?

Tony: It's Dave.

Jack: Then keep it.

Tony: Screw that. (He hands the phone to Kim) Phone call for you.

Kim: Oooooohhhh. (She takes the phone) Hello?.. Dave! How have you been?.. Not well huh.

(As she talks to Dave, Jack and Tony go over the plan for getting Graem)

Jack: I go in, you stay here.

Tony: With motormouth here? Fat chance.

Jack: I'll give you a Playboy.

Tony: Deal.

Jack: Cool. Wonder how Dave is coping talking to Kim.

-----

Dave's Office In CTU San Francisco.

-----

(Dave looks bored)

Dave: That's really interesting, Kim. Mind if I put you on hold, a second? (Presses a button on his phone, places the receiver on his desk and takes a gun

out of a drawer. He looks at the gun) Do it, Black. Just do it, for the love of Christ. Put it in your mouth and pull the trigger.

Kim: (On Phone) Uhh, Dave?

Dave: Lord?

Kim: (On Phone) Did you put me on speakerphone instead of hold?

Dave: (Realises his mistake) Uhh, yes. Yes, I did. I, uh, wanted you to hear some lines from my part in the play they're doing here at the end of the month.

Kim: (On Phone) Oh. Sounds good. You'll have to get tickets for Chase and Me.

-----

Chase's SUV.

-----

(Chase shudders)

Chase: Something inside me just died.

Curtis: What?

Chase: Nothing.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Kim has just hung up the phone on Dave)

Jack: How's Dave?

Kim: He's doing a play.

Jack: Wow. He's been in San Francisco less than an hour and already he's in a play.

Tony: Well, he's gay, isn't he. They get parts in plays every second there.

Kim: Are we at Uncle Grae's house?

Jack: Not yet.

Tony: Yeah we are, it's there. (Points at a house)

Jack: Oh, the trips are over so fast. (He pulls up in the driveway. They exit the vehicle and walk to the front door. Jack knocks. No answer. He knocks a few

more times. Nothing) Dammit. (He calls CTU)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Chloe answers her ringing phone)

Chloe: O'Brian.

Jack: (On Phone) Chloe, it's Jack. I need you to do something for me.

Chloe: What?

Jack: (On Phone) I need you to see if there is satellite footage of my brothers house. But don't tell anyone.

Chloe: Why not?

Jack: (On Phone) Because I want it to be under the radar.

Chloe: But Bill said you could do anything you wanted to find these terrorists.

Jack: (On Phone) Does that include slapping Tony?

Chloe: I.. guess.

-----

Graem Bauer's House.

-----

(Jack happy slaps Tony)

Tony: HEY MAN, WHAT THE HELL?!

Jack: Shhhh, I'm on the phone.

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe: Is he angry?

Jack: (on Phone) Yeah, but it was totally worth it.

Chloe: Okay, I have footage from 50 minutes ago.

Jack: (On Phone) Is a car there?

Chloe: Yes. I'll see if it leaves. (She fast forwards the footage) A car left 45 minutes ago. I'll track it, hold on.

-----

Graem Bauer's House.

-----

Jack: I have to hold... Where'd Tony go?

Kim: He went off somewhere after you slapped him.

Jack: Hehehe. (They hear stuff smashing around the back of the house) He's dealing with his anger on inanimate things at least.

Kim: Inaminatle.

Jack: What? No, inani- (Sighs) Things that aren't alive.

Kim: Oh. Cool.

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe: Okay Jack. His car is heading back there now. Should be about 10 minutes.

Jack: (On Phone) Thanks Chloe. (He hangs up)

-----

Graem's House.

-----

Kim: Unky Gray coming back?

Jack: We gotta keep a distance. Go get Tony.

(Kim runs around the back of the house to fetch Tony. After a few seconds, she screams. Jack runs to investigate, and he sees Kim lying on her back 10 feet

from Tony)

Jack: What the hell happened?

Tony: She got in my way and I threw her.

Kim: It was fun.

Jack: Why did you throw her?

Tony: I was just reaching around for stuff. It was an accident.

Jack: It damn well better have been. Now c'mon. We gotta keep a distance.

Tony: Why not just say 'Park up the street?'

Jack: 'Cos You're stupid. Good enough for ya?

Tony: That makes no sense, but I ain't gonna rile you any more.

Jack: Good. Now, come on.

-----

Graem's Car.

-----

(Graem, Marilyn and Josh are in the car. Graem is driving. He is playing 'Walk With Me In Hell by Lamb of God' at full volume. He is singing along)

Marilyn: (Inaudible)

Graem: (Inaudible)

Marilyn: (Inaudible)

Graem: (Turns down the volume) That's a filthy lie and you know it.

Marilyn: I've seen how you look at them.

Graem: Can we not talk about this in front of the B.O.Y?

Josh: I CAN spell, you bald bastard.

Graem: You wanna sleep on the lawn?

Josh: No, sir.

Graem: Damn right. (Cellphone rings. Graem answers on bluetooth) Yeah? .. Oh, hey Dad, wassup? .. Jack? .. He not in China?

Marilyn: Jack?

Graem: He's coming to the house? .. Yeah, I'll deny everything, obviously. Can't really talk at the moment, Dad. Marilyn and the boy are in the car with me.

I'll ring you later. Love you, Dad. Bye.

Marilyn: Jack's coming to the house?

Graem: Yes. And don't get any ideas.

Marilyn: What? I wasn't.

Graem: We all know you did stuff with Jack.

Josh: I didn't.

Graem: Crap, you do now.

-----

Graem's Street.

-----

(Jack, Tony and Kim are hiding in an alley up the street from the house. Tony is talking to a tramp)

Tramp: Ilike'emcloves.

Tony: Thanks. My wife picked them out for me.

Tramp: Canihafurshirt.

Tony: Michelle would kill me if I gave it away.

Tramp: Tradeforis.

Tony: Oooooh.

(Jack and Kim are watching Graem's house. They see the neighbour sneak out with what looks like an iron)

Jack: Wow, tough neighbourhood. Even the rich steal.

Kim: Why has Tony taken off his shirt?

Jack: What? (He looks at Tony who is wearing his jacket shirtless) Where did your shirt go?

Tony: I traded it for this.

Jack: A smoking pipe?

Tony: Yep. Now I look sophisticated.

Jack: Only old, rich snobs have pipes.

Tony: Nuh-uh. Curtis has one.

Jack: That's to put weed in.

Tony: I can put weed in this.

Jack: You're an idiot.. Hmmmm, now that Dave's gone you seem to be acting more idiotic.. You are the replacement team idiot.

Tony: Oh hell no. What about Kim?

(Kim is talking to another tramp. He is staring at her chest. He reaches out to touch and she shakes his hand)

Jack: She's not a real team member. Plus, even Dave wasn't that dumb.

Tony: True. Dammit, now I kinda miss Pete.

Jack: Dave.

Tony: I'm Tony, hello.

Jack: There it is again.

Tony: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kim: So, tell me about yourself?

Tramp: Dey call me Dr. Hobo. I'mf a docshtor you know.

Kim: Wow, I wanted to be a doctor but I hate sick people.

Dr. Hobo: Ya know I vass normal once. I came to work vith a tie and a suit and sometimes panfs.

Kim: What happened? Did someone steal your home?

Dr. Hobo: One day dey boght in one-a dees computers. So I starf downloading a shong or two and the next thing you know it..

Kim: You filled your harddrive with Hanson? 'cos I did that and daddy shouted at me for deleting his work to make room.

Dr. Hobo: No.. BAM! The man is on my ass and taking muh HOUSE!.. But that was juft the start 'cos after I got a taste foo crime I vas stealing satellite

signals and eating babies.

Kim: The man took your house? Wait.. eating what now? (Dr. Hobo has a spoon in his hand now)

Dr. Hobo: Carve out dem brains with a spoon and I gots me some good eatin'!

Kim: Errrrm...

Dr. Hobo: People wonder why I like dem brains so much. Well it's simple, 'cos that's where they getcha! So ya gotta block 'em out! But this isn't a job for

a spoon. Ooooh no.. (He throws away the spoon and bradishes a fork) That's a FORK'S job!

(Kim looks over at Jack and Tony, she's a bit worried. She turns back to the Hobo who has the fork in his ear. He looks suprised, then looks towards the

fork)

Dr. Hobo: THERE'S A SPOON IN MY EAR!!! (He runs off down the alleyway screaming)

Kim: Wow. Odd.

(A car drives past the alleyway entrance)

Jack: That's his car. (The car pulls up outside a different house) Dammit. Kim, stop talking to that bum and help us, oh he left.

Kim: Yeah, he ran off screaming. Poor Dr. Hobo.

Jack: Dr. Hobo?

Kim: That's his name.

Jack: Weird. Yet strangely familiar.

Tony: Yeah. (Looks around and notices something in some bushes) Hmm.(Walks over to the bush)

Kim: What's he found?

Jack: Who knows. He's an idiot.

Kim: Maybe he lost something.

Jack: Only thing he's lost is his marbles. And Cubby, but that fell out of a helicopter ages ago. Probably smashed on impact.

Tony: (OS) CUBBY!

Jack: (Sighs) You gotta be shitting me.

Tony: (Comes running over) I found Cubby.

Jack: How the fuck did that thing survive the fall?

Tony: It's indestrucible.

Jack: Give it here. (Tony hands Cubby to Jack) We're gonna test your theory.

Tony: What you gonna do, Jack?

Jack: Nothing. (Walks out into the middle of the street and throws Cubby with all his strength)

Tony: YOU FUCKING DICK! You better pray to Jewish God that he bounced.

Jack: (Watching Cubby's flight path) Tell you in a minute... Yep, it did.

Tony: You got lucky, Bauer. (Runs off to collect Cubby)

Kim: That was kinda mean, Daddy.

Jack: Meh. (Turns around and looks up the street) Crap, it's Gray. Hide.

(Jack and Kim run and take cover behind a tree. Graem drives past in his car, not noticing Jack and Kim)

-----

Graem's Driveway.

-----

(Graem pulls up in the drive. Josh gets out and goes inside the house)

Graem: HEY, HELP YOUR MOTHER WITH THE GROCERIES!

Marilyn: I have one bag, I can manage.

Graem: No. The boy needs to learn to respect his elders. I helped my mother with groceries all the time.

Marilyn: Yeah, and look what happened to you. Did Jack help her?

Graem: No, he had friends.

Marilyn: Poor Gray. (Kisses his forehead) That's your lot for the week.

Graem: But my birthday is in 3 days.

Marilyn: That's a saturday. New week then, isn't it.

Graem: Awesome.

(He locks the car and they walk inside)

Marilyn: Pasta?

Graem: Nah, I'm good. Jack'll be here in a minute, anyway. (Knock on the door) Speak of the devil.

Josh: I'll get it. (He opens the door to be greeted by Jack)

Jack: Can I come in Josh.

Josh: Dad?

Graem: Let him in son. (Josh opens the door further and Jack, Tony and Kim enter) Ahhh, you brought Kim along.

Kim: Hi uncle Graem. Marilyn... Got any gossip since we last spoke?

Marilyn: We spoke yesterday.

Jack: You keep in touch?

Kim: Yes daddy. We aren't sibling rivals like you two. (She wags a finger at Jack and Graem, who look at each other and shrug)

Graem: So what brings you here Jack?

Jack: Can we talk in private?

Graem: Sure. Honey, could you and Kim go somewhere and gossip, and Josh, you can go to your room.

Josh: But dad...

Graem: You can gossip girly things with Mum and Kim if you like.

Josh: I love my room. (He runs upstairs)

Graem: Through here Jack. (They walk through 2 rooms and into what Jack assumed was Graem's study) This is my study.

Jack: (Sarcastically) Really?

Tony: You want me to wait outside?

Jack: Nah, I may need you to stop me doing something stupid.

Tony: Your asking ME to stop YOU doing something stupid?

Jack: Good Point... Just leave the talking to me.

Tony: Gotcha.

Jack: I want you to be straight with me Graem.

Graem: Sure thing brother.

Jack: Tell me about Omar Spalding.

Graem: Hmmmm.. I think he's a guy we hired to get rid of some things.

Jack: Nuclear things?

Graem: Maybe.

Jack: GODDAMMIT! TELL ME!

Graem: He seems tetchy.

Tony: He had meatballs for lunch, makes him gassy and angry.

Jack: We didn't have any lunch Tony.

Tony: And who's fault is that, huh? I said to stop on the way here, but noooo.

Jack: Stop talking. (Tony opens his mouth) Uh-uh. (Tony closes his mouth) Good.

Graem: I can't recall what was given to Omar. You will have to check at my office. (Jack stares at him) I swear Jack.

Jack: Fine. Let's go to your office.

Tony: Can we stop for lunch on the way?

Jack: OKAY! Quit whining.

Tony: Score.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Gredenko's Hideout.

-----

(Chase and Curtis have arrived at the address they had for Gredenko. Chase is on the phone with Chloe)

Chase: So we need that satellite heat footage Chloe.

Chloe: (On Phone) I'm going as fast as I can.

Chase: Get Reginald to help you.

Chloe: (On Phone) Who?

Chase: Isn't that the British guy's name?

Chloe: (On Phone) It's not even close.

Chase: Charles?

Chloe: (On Phone) Just be quiet. MORRIS, come help me with this.

Morris: (On Phone) Y'orite, sweet'art?

Chloe: (On Phone) Just reconfigure the mainframe of the satellite's co-ordination signal so the inner heat module will correspond with Chase's PDA.

Morris: (On Phone) ... Snuh?

Chloe: (On Phone) Just press these three keys. (Sound of keys typing) There. Chase, the heat signals should be appearing on your screen any second now.

Chase: (Looks at PDA) Ok, I got them, Chloe. Thanks. (Hangs up. Turns to Curtis) Got the satellite heat footage.

Curtis: Nice. So how many we looking at?

Chase: Umm, we got 3 stationary hostiles on the lower floor, with another 2 patrolling, and 2 stationary with 2 patrolling on the upper floor.

Curtis: So that's... 9?

Chase: Yeah. This door here on the east side of the building is unguarded. We can sneak in there. You take out the patrolling hostiles whilst I take shelter

behind whatever I can lay my hands on.

Curtis: Right... Hold up. Why do you get to take shelter while I shoot people?

Chase: Umm, 'cos I have a family?

Curtis: You have a toddler and Kim, who has the mind of a toddler.

Chase: HEY! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!

Curtis: Sorry, I was just joking with you, dude.

Chase: Yeah, well don't.

Curtis: Right. (Looks at building) Is that door opening?

Chase: (Looks toward building) Yes, I think it is.

(2 people exit the building)

Person 1: Ahh, a well deserved cigarette break.

Person 2: Nothing like a good day henching to make you appreciate nicotine more.

Person 1: Got that right. (Sees Curtis and Chase) Who are they? Are they lost?

Person 2: They look a bit suspicious to me.

Person 1: Let's go over and ask them.

Person 2: Fine.

(The two men approach Chase and Curtis)

Chase: What do we do?

Curtis: Just leave it to me. (The men have reached the two agents) Hi there, I was wondering if we could have directions.

Person 1: See, they are lost.

Person 2: Where you headed?

Curtis: To see a man.

Person 1: What?

Curtis: A man named Gredenko.

Chase: What are you- (Curtis had gotten out his gun and shot the two henchmen) Way to be subtle.

Curtis: Subtle is my middle name.

Chase: I thought it was 'Danger'?

Curtis: Don't you remember my middle name?

Chase: Let's see... (Thinking) It begins with.. An 'E'

Curtis: Yeah.

Chase: ...Nah, can't remember.

Curtis: It's Endor.

Chase: Oh yeah, your mother was a huge Star Wars fan.

Curtis: Errr, I was born before the films.

Chase: Oh... Well, at least it's not 'Lando'

Curtis: That's my brother's.

Chase: Wow.

Curtis: He was born after the films.

Chase: Hey, we should get going, these 2 guys were probably the moving heat signatures. We need to take out the stationary ones.

(They move towards the building entrance. Chase checks his PDA)

Chase: They haven't moved. Let's go.

(They head into the building, Chase leading the way. Around 2 corners was the room with the people inside. They take up positions either side of the door)

Chase: You go.

Curtis: You wuss. (He opens the door and swings inside. Chase hears no shooting. There seemed to be female voices inside)

Chase: Huh? (He looks inside, Curtis is greeting some women) Curtis?

Curtis: It's my ho's man. They're working this place.

Chase: Well that's... Great?

Curtis: Of course it's great. We can use them to distract the guards, then we come up and shoot 'em dead.

Chase: You're sadistic, ya know that?

Curtis: I try. Now, Chantelle, you go get the guy at the top of the stairs. Desiree, you got the guard at the end of this corridor. Melina, you got the guy

outside the main office where we think Gredenko is.

Chase: Can you ladies handle that? (They all nod) Good, hands in. (Holds hand out. Curtis, Chantelle, Desiree and Melina each put a hand on top of it. Chase

whispers) Go team Chase. (Everyone looks at him) Fine, just 'Go Team'. (Curtis nods approval and the ho's run off)

-----

Top of staircase. (Guard 1)

-----

(Chantelle approaches Guard)

Chantelle: Could you lead me to the kitchen please? I'm soo hot and I need some ice. (Guard does not react) Fine. (Walks off, but notices something in an

adjacent room) That could work. (Goes into room, emerging a couple seconds later with a roll of bubble wrap. She pops some bubbles. The guard looks over)

Yeah, you wanna try? (The guard nods) Come here then, big boy. (The guard comes over. He snatches the bubble wrap off Chantelle and starts to pop the bubbles

manically. After a minute, the guard falls down dead, revealing Chase standing behind him with a smoking gun) Took you long enough.

Chase: Gimme a break. (Looks at Desiree) Your turn, girl. Down there. (Points)

Desiree: Sure thing. (She heads down a corridor and turns the corner, seeing a guard sleeping on a chair) This should be easy.

Chase: Right. (He turns the corner, gun raised. The guard is on the floor in a pool of blood) Oh. (Desiree is cleaning a knife)

Desiree: He was asleep.

Chase: Okay... (They head back to the group) This girl is nasty, she killed the guard on her own.

Curtis: Good ol' Desi.

Chase: One more left.

Curtis: Do your thing Melina.

(Melina heads off towards the last room. Chase and Curtis follow from a distance. She heads into a bathroom, and comes back out with her top all wet and

see through)

Chase: Mmmmmmmm...

Curtis: Stop eyeballing m' ho's bitch.

Chase: Sorry.

(Melina walks around the corner and up to the guard)

Melina: Can you help me? (The guard is just staring at her chest)

Guard: Sweet mother of mammaries!

Melina: I'm up here.

Guard: Holy crap, you guys can talk?

Melina: Can you get me something to dry myself with please?

Guard: Yes my precious'

Melina: Goddammit. (They both turn to walk away from Chase and Curtis. Curtis pops around the corner and shoots the guard)

Curtis: Right. Enough of that, let's get Gredenko. Ho's, you can take all the stuff you want from here and head out.

Chantelle: Let's steal, girls. (They walk off)

(Chase knocks on Gredenko's door)

Gredenko: Who is it?

Chase: (In a russian accent) It's Yuri.

Gredenko: Ahhh, come in.

Curtis: Nice guess on a name.

Chase: Thanks. (They enter the room fast, and Curtis knocks out Gredenko by throwing his gun at him) Nice.

-----

LA Street.

-----

(Jack, Tony and Kim exit Subway, each with a sandwich. Graem follows closely behind, without a sandwich)

Graem: Dammit, Jack!

Tony: Hmm, it runs in the family.

Graem: What? No, nevermind, I'm happier not knowing.

Tony: You're happy?

Graem: No Just less sad than I would be if you told me what you were on about.

Tony: Oh..Go on.

Graem: Dammit Jack. You said you'd buy me a sandwich.

Jack: Yeah. Sucks to be lied to, doesn't it?

Graem: You've been saying that since we were kids. You and Eric.

Kim: Who?

Graem: Your uncle Eric. He was also an evil genius.

Tony: OH, PLEASE! Eric was far from a genius and you look like the kind to get killed in a really stupid way.

Graem: Such as?

Tony: (Shrugs) I'unno. Crushed by helicopter or something?

Graem: That's retarded.

Tony: You're retarded. (A child walks past Tony, who double takes at him) Holy shit, it's Chunk.

Jack: Who?

Tony: Chunk. From the Goonies. (To kid) HEY, KID! (The Kid turns round)

Kid: Yeah?

Tony: Want this sandwich?

Kid: Uhh yes.

Tony: First, you gotta do the truffle shuffle.

Kid: Come on...

Tony: Do it.

Kid: Come onnnn...

Tony: DO IT!!! (Kid sighs, then does the truffle shuffle) Epic. (Throws sandwich) Here y'go.

Kid: (Catches sandwich) Thanks, Mister Strange Man.

Tony: No problem. (Turns back around to find that Jack, Graem and Kim have carried on walking, so he runs after them) HEY, YOU GUYS!

-----

Gredenko's Hideout.

-----

(Gredenko was wrapped up in a carpet. Curtis and Chase are standing over him)

Curtis: Why did we wrap him up in a carpet?

Chase: 'Cos it seemed like the thing to do at the time. That and I couldn't find any kind of tape around here.

Curtis: Plus, we can roll him down the stairs later.

Chase: Yeah. So, shall we torture him?

Curtis: I'm pretty sure Bill would want us to take him back to CTU.

Chase: Hmm, I'll phone Bill. (He takes out his phone and calls CTU)

Bill: (On Phone) Buchanan.

Chase: Hey Bill, it's Chase. We have Gredenko.

Bill: (On Phone) Good. Ask him about his connections to Spalding.

Chase: He's out cold.

Bill: (On Phone) Then check any computers that are around.

(Curtis was using Gredenko's laptop)

Chase: Curtis is doing that now.

Curtis: What?

Bill: (On Phone) Okay. Tell me what you find.

Chase: Gotcha. (He hangs up) Found anything good on there?

Curtis: Lots of things.

Chase: Like what?

Curtis: A 34 inch Plasma tv.

Chase: Huh?

Curtis: Yeah, and I found a Segway.

Chase: What are you talking about? Are you even looking through Gredenko's files?

Curtis: Nah man, eBay.

Chase: Goddammit.

-----

The Oval Office.

-----

(President Palmer is playing his Wii with his PR secretary, Janice. Novick has just arrived outside and started hearing voices from from inside)

Palmer: Why can't I get it in the hole.

Janice: I don't know Sir.

Palmer: It's sometimes annoying to aim this thing.

Janice: You just need to hold it right. Let me try.

Palmer: Hey, you're pretty good at this. I should have you in here more often.

Janice: It would be my pleasure Sir.

Palmer: Hey, look at that spray all over the place.

Novick: Oh God. (Logan approaches)

Logan: Hello Mike.

Novick: Sir.

Logan: Damn, have they started without me? (He enters the room, closing the door behind him. Novick hears voices again)

Palmer: Sorry we didn't wait for you. We couldn't wait to start.

Logan: Quite alright... Now let me put this strap on.

Novick: This is just plain wrong.

(Inside Logan was flying a paper aeroplane around a tree)

Palmer: This is so fun. Should we should invite Novick in here? (They here some footsteps run down the corridor outside) Hmm.

Logan: What's this game called again?

Palmer: Warioware.

Logan: I see.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Jack pulls up in the parking lot of Graem's office building)

Graem: We're here.

Tony: I can see that.

Jack: I wouldn't have parked otherwise.

Graem: Sorry, I was just saying.

Jack: Just lead us to your office.

(They get out of the SUV and walk towards the entrance of the building)

Graem: It may be locked, on account of it being a weekend.

Tony: It's Wednesday.

Graem: Dammit. You're smart.

Jack: Any idiot knows what day it is.

Kim: Is today the day which follows the day that's 4 days before Saturday?

Jack: Yeah, it is. (Yawns)

Graem: Y'oright there, Jack?

Jack: I'm just a little jet-lagged. Was on a plane for 16 hours and haven't slept yet.

Graem: Bummer. You wanna take a rain check on this, do it tomorrow when you're fresh and non jet-lagged?

Jack: I'll be ok.

Graem: Ok, but you know what happens when you don't get your regular 4 hours.

Tony: You only sleep 4 hours a day?

Jack: I run on adrenaline mostly.

Kim: Is that like Snickers?

Tony: I think it's a drink. Like Powerade.

Graem: Adrenaline is a fight or flight hormone which is released from the adrenal glands when danger threatens. When secreted into the bloodstream, it

rapidly prepares the body for action in emergency situations. It's also called Epinephrine, or 'Epi' in medical jargon.

Tony: ...

Kim: ...

Jack: ...

Graem: I watch The Discovery Channel a lot.

Tony: Michelle likes The Discovery Channel. She's into all that wildlife crap.

Kim: I like Ponies.

Tony: Nice. She wants to get a pet Mongoose.

Jack: A what now?

Tony: A mongoose.

Graem: Is that the thing that eats snakes?

Tony: Yeah...

Jack: May I ask why she wants a mongoose?

Tony: Maybe it's to get rid of the snakes that I bought... and lost in the garden.

Jack: You have snakes loose in your garden?

Tony: Not for long I won't. Poor little Timmy and Tommy.

Jack: ... Graem, unlock the door.

Graem: Okay. (He takes out a cardkey and swipes at a panel on the wall. He then enters a number code, unlocking the door)

Jack: Right, let's go. (They enter, walking past reception)

Receptionist: Hello Graem. I thought you were off for a while?

Graem: Just showing my brother around. (They head to a set of elevators)

Tony: More elevators?

Graem: You'd rather have stairs?

Tony: Hell no. I'm lazy. But I hate elevator music.

Graem: Our elevators have jukeboxes in them.

Tony: Oh really?

Graem: Ya really?

Tony: No way!

Graem: Yes way! (They step inside the elevator) But not really.

Tony: Dammit!

Jack: How many floors for your office.

Graem: 4.

Tony: Your office is on the 4th floor? Yet your dad's is on the 30th. Why's that? Closer to the cafeteria tubby?

Graem: Yes. And I'm not tubby.

Tony: Suuure.

Jack: Why aren't we moving yet?

Graem: No-one pressed the button.

Jack: Dammit, Grae. Still using your old tricks to stall us.

Graem: No. I can't press the button from here. You are in the way.

Jack: ... Excuses. (He presses the button for the fifth floor)

Graem: You pressed the wrong button.

Jack: Huh?

Graem: You pressed for the fifth floor, but we need to get at the fourth. Now, we've gotta make the full journey up and catch 4 on the way back.

Jack: We could do that, or .. (Presses the button for the fourth floor.) It'll stop at four now.

(After a minute or so, the elevator stops at the fourth floor. Graem gasps in amazement)

Graem: You outsmarted the elevator.

Tony: You're an idiot.

Graem: Myeeeeeeh.

Tony: The hell was that? Was that a noise? Why'd you make that noise?

Graem: It was my way of saying 'Quiet you!'

Kim: Why not just say that? It's a lot less annoying.

Graem: Who knows? (They reach Graem's Office. His name is on the door) This is my office.

Jack: That thing with your name on it on the door must be in case you forget, is it?

Graem: Actually, you'd be surprised how often that happens. Dad made me put that there so he doesn't have to call the janitor to let me in. There's this one

janitor who follows me round, I swear it. He should be working.

Janitor: (Appears from nowhere) Actually, I only got about an hour and a half's worth of work around here. The rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

Graem: That's how you found out where I live.

Janitor: That, and I got keys to personel files. By the way, 987-65-4365.

Graem: You have my social security number?

Janitor: No, I have your PIN number.

Graem: My PIN number is 7582.

Janitor: (Takes out a pad and writes number down) Thank you.

Graem: DAMMIT!

Jack: HA! Good one... What's your name, Janitor?

Janitor: I have no name. (Jack goes to look at his name badge, but the Janitor covers it up) I have to go work now.

Graem: Really?

Janitor: Nah, got some badgers to move. (Jack and Tony give him confused looks) Oh, they are dead.

Tony: Good to know. (The Janitor walks off) He seems a little odd.

Graem: Yeah well, he is.

Jack: Let's go inside now.

Tony: Yeah, I wanna sit down. (They walk inside Graem's office) Fancy.

Kim: A SWIVELLY CHAIR! (She rushes over to it)

Tony: DIBS!

Kim: Awwwwww, poop.

Tony: Dibs rules. (He walks over and sits in the chair) Ahhhhh. Comfy.

Kim: There's another one!

Tony: Damn. It's not as satisfying now.

(Jack and Graem had booted up the computer)

Graem: Damn thing takes ages to boot up.

Jack: That's because it looks like it's from the 80's. Does it run on Windows 1?

Graem: No. It's because I have so many programs run on start up.

(Tony and Kim were on oppossite sides of the office, staring each other down. Kim's gaze wanders off somewhere)

Tony: Godammit, she's seen some fluff.

Kim: Where'd it go?

Tony: I bet the Blue's don't have to put up with anything this stupid.

-----

Gredenko's Hideout.

-----

(Chase had taken a look around the rest of the building but had found nothing useful. He walked over to Curtis and threw him something)

Chase: Here, I found these in a store room. (Curtis catches a can of beer)

Curtis: Sweet, booze.

Chase: Found anything yet?

Curtis: Only some files marked 'Unimportant'. I think we have a dead end.

Chase: You're a moron.

Curtis: A carrot?

Chase: Huh?... Nevermind. Lemme check those files... On second thought, what the hell DID you mean by carrot?

Curtis: Moron is Welsh for carrot. Well, morron actually.

Chase: Welsh?

Curtis: A country to the left of England.

Chase: Left as in West?

Curtis: Left, West. Same diff.

Chase: Errrm, okay. Check the 'Unimportant' files will ya.

-----

Graem's Office.

-----

(The computer is still booting)

Jack: I hate computers.

Graem: I think it's froze.

Tony: Thump it. Always works with mine.

Jack: Didn't you thump a computer out a 5th storey window once?

Tony: ... Nope.

Jack: Yeah, I think it was you. It nearly killed a socialite, ya know.

Tony: It was an accident.

Jack: Oh... You know, I'd respect you more if you'd done it on purpose. (To himself) One day, Hilton. One day.

(Computer beeps)

Kim: Oooh, popcorn's done.

Tony: That's not a microwave, dumb broad.

Graem: It's loaded.

Jack: Finally. Now, where do I find the transaction files?

Graem: Oh, I put them in the 'Marilyn Bedroom' pic folder.

Tony: (His attention is piqued) Naughty pictures of Marilyn?

Graem: No. Naughty pics of me to send to Marilyn.

(Jack, Tony and Kim all retch in horror)

Tony: I think I just lost my appetite for the next fortnight.

Jack: Did you put the files in here 'cos you knew no-one would ever be brave enough to look through the folder?

Graem: ... Yes.

Kim: That's a smart idea! (Looks out window) That's a smart car! Ooh, in England, we had some Smart-ees!

Tony: Kim.

Kim: Yeah?

Tony: Shut up.

Kim: ... (Mimes zipping mouth closed and putting a padlock on it. Tony comes over and takes the fake key and tosses it out the window)

Tony: That's better.

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill comes over to Chloe)

Bill: Chloe, Chase and Curtis found a couple of encrypted files on Gredenko's computer. I want you to do run a filter diagnostic to try and retrieve any

infomation relevant to today's terror threat.

Chloe: Ah, sweet technobabble. How I love you so.

(Edgar appears)

Edgar: Is technobabble my new pet name? 'Cos I like it.

Morris: (Shouts from his workstation across the room) IT'S A FUN WORD FOR ALL THE TECHNICAL STUFF YOU GUYS WHO WORK HERE SAY!

Edgar: SHUT UP, BUNDY!

Morris: YOU SHUT IT TECHNOBABBLE!

Edgar: Awww, now you've soiled my pet name.

Chloe: I'll still call you Fudgywudge.

Morris: HAHAHAHA!

Chloe: SHUT IT DANCER!

Morris: ...Fine.

Bill: Dancer?

Chloe: Morris... Dancer.

Bill: I understand.

Chloe: No you don't. Your just saying that, like Charlie Sheen.

Bill: I understand. (He walks away. A man walks over and addresses Chloe)

Man: I need to speak with Mr. Buchanan.

Chloe: He's probably up in his office. (She points to Bill's Office)

Man: Thanks. (The man walks away and up the stairs to Bill's Office. He knocks and is waved inside)

Bill: Yes?

Man: My name is Mike Doyle. I'm here to replace one of your agents, Curtis Manning.

Bill: Curtis? Why?

Doyle: Report says he was killed by a shot in the neck.

Bill: That's incorrect. He is out in the field now.

Doyle: Are you sure?

Bill: I was the one who sent him there, and his partner hasn't called in saying he's- (The phone rings) Bad timing there. (He answers on speakerphone) Yes?

Curtis: (On Phone) Sup Bill, it's Curtis.

Bill: See.

Doyle: Curtis, this is Mike Doyle. Are you hurt at all, not.. shot in the neck or anything.

Curtis: (On Phone) Hells no. I'm as fit as a dandy.

Chase: (On Phone) And as gay! Boo yakka sha.

Curtis: (On Phone) Shu'p bitch. (A slapping sound is heard)

Chase: (On Phone) OWWW!

Bill: We have the info Curtis. Head back to CTU.

Curtis: (On Phone) Roger that Gold Leader. (He hangs up)

Doyle: So what now?

Bill: I dunno. But as you're here you can help us. Someone from Division called me moments ago, saying he thinks there is a mole in CTU.

Doyle: Really?

Bill: Yes. I want you to just wander around looking busy and keep an eye out.

Doyle: Can do. (He leaves the room)

Bill: That will keep the sucker occupied. (He gets out an FHM) Oooooh, a Chuck Norris article.

(Doyle re-enters the office)

Doyle: Mr. Buchanan?

Bill: Yes, Mike?

Doyle: (Goes over to one of the glass walls and points at something/someone) Who is that?

Bill: That's Nadia Yassir. She's new, only been here a week.

Doyle: I see. I request permission to reprimand her under Article 197 of the US Hostility Act.

Bill: 'Any male caught lingering outside a Post Office for longer than a minute can be treated as hostile'?

Doyle: Oh, sorry. I meant Article 198.

Bill: 'People of Foreign descent should be treated as hostile if they are under suspicion of having links to terrorism'?

Doyle: Yes. That one.

Bill: It's a stupid act and I refuse to authorise it.

Doyle: (Pulls gun on Bill) Authorise it, or I will be forced to shoot you.

Bill: What if I fire you. What'll you do then?

Doyle: Bill, get this straight. I do not work for you. Now, do I have to call my supervisor at Division.

Bill: (Sighs) No, I'll allow you to interrogate Nadia. But ONLY interrogate. And who IS your supervisor at Division now? Still Warren Glasser?

Doyle: Nah, he blew his brains out. They hired, well, re-hired, this guy who used to work there. Shapley, or something.

Bill: Chappelle?

Doyle: Yeah, that's him. You know him.

Bill: He's a lousy stupid drunk who threw up on my couch multiple times.

Doyle: Yeah, that's him. He'll be over later to see how I'm doing.

Bill: Does he have to come here? Can't you tell him your doing fine on the phone?

Doyle: Nope.

Bill: Dammit. Well, go do what you want.

Doyle: Right. (He holsters his gun and leaves)

Bill: Better hide my couch.

-----

Graem's Office.

-----

(Graem had brought up the information on Omar)

Jack: Hmmm, seems you gave him some missiles that were not armed.

Graem: Seems so.

Tony: That's smart... No Kim. (She looks depressed)

Graem: We took the explosive material out. If they hit anything they would not explode.

Jack: It's not hard to make volatile stuff Grae.

Tony: Like that time I made moonshine in my bedroom.

Jack: Ahhhh, the good old days.

Tony: My grandma still walks with a limp.

Jack: That's not from the explosion.

Graem: BURN!

Tony: That's just gross.

Graem: Gross out five. (He and Jack high-five)

Tony: Guess it's good they only got the missiles, otherwise it could have been worse.

Jack: Don't you remember what happened at the airport? To your car?

Tony: Awwwww, I was just getting over that.

Jack: Oh well. Graem, print this off for me.

Graem: Turn on the printer. (Tony does so. Something starts to print)

Tony: Something was in the printer queue. It's... a picture... of... Jessica Alba. Sweeeeeeeeet.

Jack: She'd be hard to do if she went invisible.

Tony: How would you find the hole?

Jack: Exactly.

(A second sheet prints off)

Jack: Right, grab that Tony.

Tony: What?

Jack: Stop gawping and come on.

Tony: Right. (He puts both sheets into his pocket)

Jack: Let's go.

(They head to the door and are greeted by men with guns)

Tony: Dammit!

Jack: That's my line.

Graem: Sorry guys. I can't let you leave.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Graem's Office.

-----

(Jack, Tony and Kim are tied to swively chairs. Graem is sat in a chair, facing Jack, pointing a gun at him)

Kim: (Spins her chair) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Graem: Didn't think that it'd be that easy, did you?

Jack: Actually, for a moment there, yeah, I did.

Tony: (Aside, to Jack) For the record, I knew he wouldn't let us leave.

Jack: Yeah. Me too. I've got him right where I want him.

Tony: He has a gun pointed at you while you're tied to a chair.

Jack: Pfft, minor setback.

Graem: Uh, guys? You know I can hear you, right?

Tony: Shu'p... Dammit, no good insults come to mind.

Jack: Wow, the well's finally dry, huh?

Tony: Yeah. Yesterday I called Edgar 'Fatty'.

Jack: Wow. That's pretty damn basic.

Tony: Yeah.

Kim: I need the bathroom.

Graem: (Sighs) For fuck... (Calls to men outside) Reggie! (Reggie pokes his head inside)

Reggie: Yeah, boss?

Graem: Wheel Kim to the bathroom, please.

Reggie: Can do, boss. (Grabs the back of Kim's chair and wheels her out of the room)

Kim: (As she is rolled along) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Jack: So what do you plan on doing with us?

Graem: I dunno, maybe kill you?

Tony: That's original.

Jack: You gonna send two worthless goons in here to kill us as you leave.

Graem: ... No. I have to make a phonecall. (He walks to the opposite side of the room)

Tony: Who do you think he's calling?

Jack: Dunno. Our dad maybe?

Tony: Hmmm... Hey, I have an itch.

Jack: So?

Tony: Scratch it for me.

Jack: Scratch this.

Tony: Huh?

Jack: I'm giving you the middle finger.

Tony: Helpful.

Jack: No need to be sarcastic with me.

Tony: I didn't even tell you where my itch was.

Jack: Is it down there?

Tony: What if I say yes?

Jack: Then I'd question your marriage.

Tony: Thanks. (Graem had returned) Can you scratch my itch?

Graem: Where is it?

Tony: On my left leg, above the knee. (Graem shoots him above the knee) AAAARRRGGGHHHH!! Too high!

Jack: What the hell?!

Graem: I was told to ask for information.

Jack: THEN ASK! Don't shoot.

Graem: Fine. First question...

-----

CTU.

-----

(Doyle is in an interrogation room with Nadia)

Nadia: What the hell have I done?

Doyle: You helped the terrorists today.

Nadia: What? I didn't.

Doyle: Suuuure.

Nadia: What evidence do you have to prove this.

Doyle: ... Your computer.

Nadia: What about it?

Doyle: I'm checking into it.

Nadia: It's because I'm a muslim isn't it.

Doyle: No... I have nothing against your religion. (Milo enters)

Milo: Doyle. I found nothing on Nadia's computer.

Doyle: Thanks Milo. (Milo leaves)

Nadia: Who was he?

Doyle: Milo Pressman. We worked together in Denver.

Nadia: Sweeet, were you cowboys? Hot, sweaty cowboys. Mmmmmmmm.

Doyle: Why would there be cowboys in Colorado?

Nadia: Snow horses?

Doyle: Is everyone in this building fucking retarded?

Nadia: You shouldn't say that. It's derogatory.

Doyle: Shut the fuck up. Now, since there's nothing incriminating on your computer here at work, I'm gonna need to see your home system.

Nadia: How 'bout no?

Doyle: Fine. Anyone else I can harass? (Nadia leaves) She was so into me. Wanted to ride me like a bronco. (CTU Whiteshirt outside door gives him a strange

look) What? You want some too? Man, I even turn guys on. I'm amazing.

Whiteshirt: (To himself) What an ass.

-----

Bill's Office.

-----

(Bill is on the phone)

Bill: No, you don't need to come down here. I can give you a status report right now. He's been here about 15 minutes and has already threatened me and

racially profiled one of my workers.

Chappelle: (On Phone, slurring his words) I gotta come down there, Bill.

Bill: God, are you drunk? It's worse than a conference call with Sylvester Stallone.

Chappelle: (On Phone) HEY! I COULDA BEEN SOMEBODY! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!

Bill: That's Marlon Brando. You weren't even close to Stallone.

Chappelle: (On Phone) Stop or my mom'll shoot.

Bill: It's Stallone, but it has no real relevance.

Chappelle: (On Phone) No, I mean stop talking. You're on speakerphone and my mom, who's visiting me from Tallhassee, has my gun pointed at the speaker

console thinga - (Gunshot followed by dial tone)

Bill: Hmm. (Bill gets up, leaves his office and walks downstairs. He goes over to Edgar) You ever notice how life around here is quite surreal?

Edgar: I have noticed a number of odd things happen around here, but I just put it down to this new diet Chloe has me on. I gotta be a 42 inch Waist in 2

months.

Morris: (Walking past) Ah, the answer to life, the universe and why you can't wear a belt.

Edgar: I hate you and your little beard, Limey.

Bill: All the pop culture references around here, this could be a Kevin Smith movie.

(2 guys run over)

Jay: You seen a monkey around here?

Bill: No.

Jay: (To Bob) Fuck, I told you not to play hide and seek with it, tubby motherfucker. (Bob shrugs) Let's go. (They leave)

Edgar: I see what you mean.

Bill: Have Curtis and Chase returned with Gredenko yet?

Edgar: No, they said they needed to stop for some food.

Bill: When does anyone have time for food around here?

Edgar: I don't. I have to MAKE time for food. Like right now. (He bites into an apple)

Chloe: (From across the room) Good Eddy bear.

Bill: Damn you, making me hungry. (He walks off, towards the canteen. Doyle walks over)

Doyle: Ahhhh, a fat man on a diet. Perfect folly for my abusive needs.

Edgar: Huh?

-----

McDonalds.

-----

(Chase and Curtis had pulled into a drive-thru. Chase was ordering)

Chase: Can I have a Supersize Big Mac please, and errrr...

Curtis: (To Chase) I'll have a kidsmeal.

Chase: What?

Curtis: I like the toys.

Chase: And a kids meal.

Gredenko: (From his carpet) I would like some food.

Chase: Shut it Commie.

Gredenko: трахните Вас. (Subtitle: Fuck you)

Curtis: What he say?

Chase: I have no idea.

Curtis: I'm sure it wasn't nice.

MacDonalds Employee: Next window please.

Chase: Thank you. (Drives forward)

Gredenko: Этот ковер ведет себя меня. Освободите меня так, я могу сидеть должным образом (Subtitle: This carpet demeans me. Let me out so I can sit up

properly)

Curtis: Yeah, they do have good fries here.

Gredenko: Почему Вы отвечаете на меня, когда Вы не знаете то, что я говорю? (Subtitle: Why do you answer me when you do not know what I am saying?)

Curtis: Yeah. Good ketchup too.

Gredenko: Idiot. (Subtitle: Idiot)

-----

Graem's Office.

-----

(Graem is still interrogating Tony. Jack is asleep, but is awoken by a scream from Tony)

Jack: (Waking up) Yentl. Wha..byuh..Oh, you still at it?

Graem: I see why you enjoy this so much, Jack.

Jack: Is he still bleeding?

Graem: Of course.

Jack: So you don't care if he dies, then. That what you're saying?

Graem: Well, he passed out 5 minutes ago. I thought more pain would bring him round.

Jack: HE'S IN SHOCK! LET HIM GO! YOU STILL HAVE ME!

Graem: And what if I don't let him go? What'll you do then?

Jack: Well, I'd (Points) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

(Graem turns to look and Jack lurches his chair forward into Graem's crotch, headbutting him and knocking him to the ground. Jack manuevers out of his

restraints and ties up his brother, taking his gun in the process. Once he has secured Graem, Jack goes to the door, intending to incapacitate the guards. He

opens the door and finds the guards already on the floor. Kim is sitting there in her chair)

Kim: I wanted to play human bowling. I think I hurt them.

Jack: No, they're okay. You did good, sweetheart. (He unties Kim and re-enters the office. Tony is unconcious) Dammit. (He takes out his cellphone and calls

CTU)

Morris: (On Phone) British Airways, how can I help you?

Jack: What? I dialled CTU.

Morris: (On Phone) I'm just kidding with you Jack. It's Morris.

Jack: The English guy again? Put Chloe on.

Morris: (On Phone) No-one appreciates me. CHLOE! PHONE! She'll be here in a bit. How's things?

Jack: Good until you answered the phone.

Morris: (On Phone) Do you have something against me?

Jack: No.

(Morris covers the handset and talks to Edgar)

Morris: Does Jack hate the British?

Edgar: He worked with one once. Jack thought he'd died on a mission but he had survived and then came here and tried to kill Jack.

Morris: Tough break. (To Jack) Here's Chloe. (He hands over to Chloe)

Jack: At last. Chloe?

Chloe: (On Phone) Yeah?

Jack: Send a medical team to our location. Tony is hurt.

Chloe: (On Phone) And you couldn't have Morris do this?

Jack: I don't trust him.

Chloe: (On Phone) Is this because of the Saunders thing?

Jack: (Sighs) Do you trust Morris?

Chloe: (On Phone) He's my ex-husband.

Jack: There you go then. (He hangs up)

-----

White House.

-----

(President Palmer was preparing to address the nation. He had a tough decision to make)

Palmer: The red or the blue tie, Mike.

Novick: I don't feel like I'm qualified to answer this question Sir. (He looks down at his own tie. It has smiley faces on it. One has a moustache drawn on

in black) Dammit. I bet that's Pierce again.

Palmer: Hahaha. It was like the time he made your head look like a cracked egg.

Novick: Mr. Logan tried licking me.

Palmer: Yeah...

Novick: Oddly he said he tasted yolk.

Logan: Anywho, I just came in to give my suggestions for your speech.

Novick: Oh boy.

Palmer: I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say, Charles.

Logan: Woo. Ok, number 1: You refer to the American people as your underlings.

Novick: You were dropped on your head as a child, weren't you?

Logan: Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?

Novick: Everything.

Logan: Umm, ok. Number 2: You don't say the word 'The'.

Palmer: Isn't 'the' the most popular word in the English language?

Novick: Yes, it is.

Logan: Ok, you vetoed that. It's cool. Suggestion 3: Use no vowels.

Novick: No.

Logan: Use ONLY vowels?

Novick: (Sighs) There's a phone call for you.

Logan: Ooooh. (Makes his way out of the room) I hope it's about that plant in my office.

(Logan exits)

Palmer: Mike, make sure he never gets another copy of any of my speeches ever again.

Novick: Can do, sir. (Picks up phone and dials a number. It is answered.) Hello? Yes, The President just enforced order 1337F4P... That's right, no speeches

for the Vice President ever again... Thank you, (Hangs up) That's sorted, Mr. P.

Palmer: Don't call me that.

-----

Graem's Office

-----

(Tony is being put onto a stretcher by CTU Medical workers. Jack is on the phone)

Jack: Bill, I'm gonna need some back-up.

-----

CTU.

-----

Bill: There aren't many spare field agents, Jack. They're all afraid their insurance premiums will go up.

Jack: (On Phone) Dammit. Call me back when you found a spare guy.

Bill: Can do, Jack. (Hangs up.) Oh, wait a second. (Shouts to Doyle) HEY, SILVER SPOONS. GET OVER HERE.

(Doyle comes over)

Doyle: Why did you call me that?

Bill: I dunno. But suit up, your going to help Jack in the field.

Doyle: (Monotone/Robotic Voice) That is good. The mission is to help Jack.

Bill: Are you a robot?

Doyle: (Normal Voice) Of course not. (Turns away and switches back to the robotic voice) Kill the human Buchanan. Harvest the entrails.

Bill: What was that?

Doyle: (Turns back to Bill, Normal Voice) Nothing. I'm gonna go get ready.

-----

McDonald's Parking Lot. CTU SUV.

-----

(Curtis had finished his kids meal and was playing with his toy)

Curtis: And he skids around the corner. (He makes tyre screeching noises)

Chase: What toy did you get from there?

Curtis: Only The Grimace... on wheels!

Chase: Wow. I'm thrilled. So much so that I'm going to pass out. End sarcasm.

Curtis: No need to be like that. (He rides the toy over Chase's arm)

Chase: Stop that. (Curtis does so. Chase takes another bite of his Big Mac. Curtis drives the toy over Chase's food) Stop it. Or I will destroy that thing.

Curtis: Dude, you can't kill The Grimace... Nothing can kill The Grimace.

Chase: Wanna bet?

Curtis: ... No.

Chase: Good. (He finishes his burger and leaves the SUV to place the trash in a bin. He returns to find The Grimace in his seat)

Curtis: Dude, it's taken. (Chase looks at the toy, then at Curtis)

Chase: I warned you. (He takes the toy out of the vehicle, throws it up into the air and shoots it. It shatters into thousands of pieces) I rule.

(Curtis gets out of the SUV and looks at the shattered remnants of The Grimace. He kneels to the ground and looks up into pouring rain)

Curtis: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chase: ... Baby.

-----

LA Warehouse.

-----

(Omar is taking a nap)

Steve: Omar. (He nudges Omar) Omar.

Omar: What?

Steve: Why haven't we done anything for ages?

Omar: We are waiting for the right moment.

Steve: Right moment for what?

Omar: I'll tell you later.

Steve: But I wanna know now.

Omar: No. Now go back to.. whatever you were doing.

Steve: I was watching Scrubs. US shows are funny. (Does a Todd impression) US TV show five. (He holds up his hand)

Omar: ... Go away.

Steve: Why won't you show The Steve some love?

Omar: Because I hate you. (Steve looks depressed and walks away) Idiot.

-----

Tony & Michelle House.

-----

(Michelle was looking after her child and Chase's. They were both on the floor on a towel, as she was changing them both)

Michelle: Now, where did I put that talcum powder? (She looks around) Ahh, there it is. Now Emily I... (Emily had disappeared) Oh. Crap.

-----

LA Warehouse.

-----

(Steve had returned to Omar)

Omar: What now?

Steve: Scrubs has ads... Tell me our plan?

Omar: Only if you leave me alone. (Steve nods) Right. Soon, a super secret private flight will be entering this airspace. And when it does...

Steve: Boom boom?

Omar: Exactly.

Steve: So who is on this flight then?

Omar: Someone important.

Steve: Tom Cruise?

Omar: He's not important. Stupid scientologist.

Steve: Then who?

Omar: Yuri Suvarov. (Dramatic music is played)

Steve: Errr, who?

Omar: The Russian President.

Steve: Oh. (Dramatic music is played) OMG!... Scrubs is back on. (He rushes off)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Graem's Office.

-----

(Jack was torturing Graem)

Jack: TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!

Graem: What bomb?

Jack: Sorry, wrong question. TELL ME ABOUT THE MISSILE LAUNCHERS!

Graem: What launchers?

Jack: The ones I found information about on your computer.

Graem: Is that all you found?

Jack: ... Unfortunatly not.

Graem: Oh... You found my other Marilyn folder.

Jack: Yeah.

Graem: Is that why your eyes are red?

Jack: Yes... The image is still burnt into my brain though.

Graem: I'm sorry Jack.

Jack: Tell me where the launchers are Graem.

Graem: ... No. (Jack shoots him in the leg) AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Jack: Don't make me shoot the other one.

Graem: FINE! I'll give you the address.

Jack: Sweet, 'cos I'd run out of ammo. (He pulls the trigger, and a click is heard)

Graem: D'oh!

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill is on the phone to Jack)

Bill: He's waiting outside for you to pick him up. He can't drive, ya see.

Jack: (On Phone) Ok. I'll swing by and get him. But I'm dropping Kim off. It's too dangerous for her.

Bill: It's dangerous for her here too.

Jack: (On Phone) What you mean?

Bill: She's very annoying. Someone here might just snap and kill her.

Jack: (On Phone) Bill, I'll trust you'll stop that from happening.

Bill: Awww, why'd you have to say that? Means I gotta be watchful now.

Jack: (On Phone) I'll ring you later. (Hangs up)

Bill: Goddammit.

-----

Outside CTU.

-----

(Doyle is sitting on a bench holding a small brown bag. He is singing to himself)

Doyle: (Singing) I want a girl, girl that won't talk back

And a job, job that gives me slack

And a car, car that won't break down

In the heat of Los Angeles.

(Chappelle stumbles over. He stares at Doyle for about fifteen seconds in silence)

Chappelle: (Slurring) Don't mouth off. (Punches Doyle in the face and heads inside CTU)

Doyle: (Rubbing his face) Random.

(Jack's SUV pulls up. Jack and Kim get out)

Kim: Bye Daddy. See you later.

Jack: Bye Sweetheart.

(Kim walks off to CTU. Doyle watches her leave)

Doyle: Oh, mama, that's sweet. (Jack punches Doyle) FOR FUCK SAKE! THAT'S TWICE! DICKHOLE! (Jack punches Doyle again)

Jack: This is fun.

Doyle: As fun as it may be, I'd like you to stop.

Jack: You must be Doyle.

Doyle: Yes I am. And Im here to replace Tony Almeida.

Jack: No, you are not. You're just an agent I'm working with until Tony is better.

Doyle: Fine. Where are we off to?

Jack: A place where the missiles are, hopefully.

Doyle: Sweet, that probably means a nice firefight for us then.

Jack: It does when I'm around.

Doyle: Cool. I wanna kick some terrorist ass.

Jack: You are like a more experienced Dave.

Doyle: Who?

Jack: Nevermind.

-----

The White House.

-----

(Wayne Palmer was having his make-up done)

Novick: Sir, the press are gathering as we speak.

Palmer: Good. I want the nation to know that we are on top of things... Are we on top of things Mike?

Novick: Karen Hayes informed me that CTU have a lead on the remaining missiles Sir.

Palmer: Good good. At least my speech won't be full of lies then.

Novick: At least it will have less lies Sir.

Palmer: Awesome. So let's do this then.

(Novick and Wayne leave the Oval Office. Pierce joins them outside and they all walk toward the press room)

Pierce: Good luck, sir.

Palmer: Thank you, Aaron.

Novick: Me, Tom and Karen will be watching in the viewing gallery, Mr. President.

Palmer: Okay, Mike. See you in a while.

Novick: Yes sir.

(Novick leaves)

Palmer: (Inhales Deeply) Here goes nothing. (Exhales and enter's the Press Room)

-----

CTU.

-----

(Everyone is turned to the big screens, preparing to watch the speech)

Morris: Shouldn't we be working on that lead we got?

Chloe: Ssshh.

-----

Viewing Gallery.

-----

(Novick enters. Lennox and Karen are already seated. Logan is there too)

Lennox: How's he looking?

Novick: I think he'll pull it off.

Logan: My dad said that to my mom when I was a teenager. (Everyone looks at Logan) What?

-----

Press Room.

-----

(There are about 25 reporters from various different news sources seated in the Press Room. A woman approaches the podium)

Woman: Ladies and Gentlemen, .. President Wayne Palmer.

(Golf Applause. Palmer approaches the podium)

Palmer: (Clears his throat) My fellow Americans, ..

Reporter: (Southern Accent) Aint you from Africa?

(Collective appalled gasp from the other reporters)

Palmer: And what branch of the media do you represent? The Confederate Gazette? How about the Ignorant Racist Broadcasting Company?

It's people like you that make people hate this country. Security, remove this slime. (Pierce approaches the man and forcibly removes him)

Sorry about that. Let's continue, shall we?

-----

Viewing Gallery.

-----

Lennox: That was rather well handled.

Logan: I'd have shot him.

Novick: It scares me that I believe you.

-----

Press Room.

-----

Palmer: ... Fellow Americans, as you may already be aware, there has been a terrorist strike in Los Angeles. We know that the man responsible, Omar Spalding,

is still at large in the Greater Los Angeles area and the Counter Terrorist Unit is following every active lead they have to find him.

They have been given the possible location of any missiles that could be used by Spalding to threaten the freedom of this country. CTU have also captured a

man believed to be an ally of Spalding, a former Russian general named Dmitri Gredenko.

-----

Viewing Gallery.

-----

Novick: Our boy is doing good.

Logan: Yes. I could have done with his speech writer when I was in office.

Novick: I wrote all of your speeches and his.

Logan: Well, good for you Mike.

-----

Press Room.

-----

Palmer: So I assure you, there will be no more attacks on our country. I will now be taking your questions. (He points to a female reporter)

Female Reporter: Is it true Vice President Logan beat you at Wii golf?

Palmer: Those are only wild rumours that have been circulating the White House. I did in fact beat the Vice President by 2 strokes. (He points to another

female reporter)

-----

Viewing Gallery.

-----

Novick: I bet you let him win Sir.

Logan: Yes yes, of course. (He looks around shiftily) I just over hit some shots by 'accident'. (He makes inverted comma signs with his hands)

Lennox: Sure...

Logan: Quiet Tim.

-----

Press Room.

-----

Female Reporter 2: How are you going to respond to these attacks?

Palmer: We will be diplomatic.

Female Reporter 2: No attacking weaker countries?

Palmer: No. I'm not an idiot. Next question. (He points to yet another female reporter)

Female: Reporter 3: Will you ever take a question from a male reporter?

Palmer: No. (He points to another woman. The woman stands up to reveal it is a man disguised in a dress)

Male Reporter: HA! Fooled...

Palmer: Dammit.

Male Reporter: Is there a possibility of The Russian President's Flight being attacked.

Palmer: There is no flight by President Suvarov to this country... I must leave now. (Pierce escorts him away)

-----

Viewing Gallery.

-----

Lennox: How did that man know about Suvarov's flight?

Karen: I don't know, but if he does...

Novick: Then the terrorists might know too.

Logan: Oh snap!

-----

CTU SUV.

-----

(Curtis is still lamenting his Grimace toy's demise)

Chase: Aren't you over that yet?

Curtis: No... You killed The Grimace. All he wanted was to ride around in peace and now...

Chase: Quiet, I think we are being followed.

(Curtis sticks his head out of the window and looks back)

Curtis: The white van?

Chase: Yeah.

(Bullets whizz past Curtis' head. He pulls back inside)

Curtis: They are onto us. Step on it.

Chase: But I hate car chases.

Curtis: That's because you drive like a granny.

Chase: That was uncalled for. (He swerves around a corner, hitting a fruit vendor's stand) Huh.

Curtis: That was appropriately placed.

Chase: They are still behind us.

Curtis: Into that alley.

(Chase attempts to turn into the alley but is rammed by the van. The SUV hits the curb and rolls, over and over, coming to a stop on it's side. Chase and

Curtis get out of the van through the windshield and take cover behind the front as Gredenko's men provide him with covering fire. Gredenko opens the back

door and exits, after having his carpet trappings unravel in the tumble)

Chase: We can't let Gredenko escape! (He and Curtis begin firing at Gredenko's men. Gredenko is hit) Dammit, I'm out of ammo. Pass me a clip. (Nothing) Hey

Curtis. Pass me a- (He sees Curtis lying on the floor. A pool of blood is forming around his head) Oh my god, they killed Curtis! Those bastards.

-----

Silent Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

CTU Medical.

-----

(Tony is wheeled in. Bill is following behind, asking the doctors questions)

Bill: How long until he can get back out in the field? 'Cos we're a guy short now.

Doctor: He's suffered a tremendous amount of physical trauma to his upper torso.

Bill: So, 'bout 5 minutes?

Doctor: He would require a large amount of pain medication to even be ready for active duty in 5 HOURS.

Bill: Can't he just pop Vicodin?

Doctor: He isn't House.

Bill: I know that, but we really need him.

Doctor: If it's really important, I could give him some Ketamine.

Bill: And then we can send him back out?

Doctor: On your own head be it.

Bill: Sweet.

(Chappelle enters)

Chappelle: (Refering to Tony) He faking?

Tony: (Groggily) Why are you here?

Chappelle: Performance Evaluation. So far, you, Almeida, have got a 0. I deducted 5 for you lying down on the job.

Bill: He was more or less tortured about 15 minutes ago.

Tony: Plus, that means I had a 5 before you saw me, and I'm very good at my job.

Chappelle: Yeah, well, I don't like you.

Bill: Aren't you here to check on Doyle?

Chappelle: I can do what I like.

Bill: Fair enough. And why do you seem less drunk than usual?

Chappelle: I've been in rehab.

Bill: You decided to get sober?

Chappelle: No, I wanted to go to the movies, took a wrong turn.

Bill: Oh. Makes sense.

Doctor: Injecting 10cc of Ketamine now. (Pushes syringe into Tony's arm. Tony goes to sleep) NURSE, WATER, NOW!

Bill: What's happening?

Doctor: He's gone into a coma, to reboot his brain. It usually takes a couple days, but we're hurrying the process along.

(Nurse hands Doctor some water)

Chappelle: What's that for?

Doctor: This (Drinks water, then thumps Tony on the chest with his fist. Tony sits up, awake) Sweet, it worked.

Chappelle: Just like The Fonz.

Tony: I have a feeling this could all go pear-shaped, but I'm ready to go back out there coach.

Bill: Good. Now put some clothes on, Chase'll be here any minute to come get you. (Looks out) Oh, there he is.

(Chase enters)

Chase: Bill, Tony... Chappelle?

Chappelle: 6.

Chase: Huh?

Tony: He gets a 6? That blows.

Chappelle: Quiet you.

Bill: Chase, I heard about what happened to Curtis.

Chase: That's because I told you, about 4 minutes ago.

Bill: I'm sorry for your loss. I know you and him were close.

Chase: We shared some good moments together... Now I need to find another roommate. (He sighs) I'd like to inform his parents.

Bill: Of course, but let's get through this crisis first. I need you to take Tony and assist Jack and Doyle in the field.

Chase: Right.

Bill: I have a feeling this is getting near the end.

Doctor: I have some pills for that.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Nevermind.

(Tony is dressed now and is ready for action. To show this is wields his weapon manacingly)

Bill: What are you doing?

Tony: Showing my readiness. (He points his gun at Bill)

Bill: Well stop it, just go with Chase now. Edgar has the details of where you going.

Chase: Right.

Chappelle: Hey Doc, got any morphine?

Doctor: Errr, yes I do.

Bill: (Whispers to the doctor) Give him an anaesthetic.

Doctor: Over here Mr. Chappelle.

Chappelle: Sweet, drugs.

Bill: That should keep him away from me.

-----

CTU. Edgar's Station.

-----

(Edgar is eating a pie. Chloe and Morris are talking at Morris' station. Chase and Tony walk over)

Chase: Hey Eddy.

Edgar: Guys, what do you think Chloe and Morris are talking about.

Tony: Polar Bears?

Edgar: What?

Tony: How should I know.

-----

Morris' Station.

-----

Morris: I don't think they let you have them as pets dear.

Chloe: But they look so cute in the snow.

Morris: I think Polar bears are endangered.

Chloe: Guess a cat will have to do.

Morris: Not a Tiger though, they are endangered too.

Chloe: Dammit.

-----

Edgar's Station.

-----

Chase: So where do we have to head Edgar?

Edgar: Jack hasn't called yet to tell us where he is. You should just drive around for a while, and I'll forward the call to you when he calls.

Tony: That doesn't seem that organised of you.

Edgar: I'm kinda distracted, ya know. (To Morris) HEY, HANDS AWAY FROM THE PRIZE, BITCH! (Back to Tony) Did you have this problem with Michelle?

Tony: Kinda. But I soon put a stop to anybody who got the wrong idea.

Chase: What you do?

Tony: Remember that chocolate machine?

Edgar: The one you shot?

Tony: Yeah. I just did that to them.

Chase: You shot a chocolate machine?

Tony: It was JUST before you came back to work.

Chase: Sweet.

(Edgar's phone rings)

Tony: Answer it, might be Jack.

(Edgar answers the phone)

-----

Jack's SUV.

-----

(Graem is gagged in the back seat. Doyle has his gun trained on him)

Jack: Edgar, it's Jack. My brother told me that we can find the man behind all this at an old warehouse in Valencia. Graem's giving us directions, so find

my SUV on GPS and send it to the screen in Curtis' car, have him and Chase meet us there.

Edgar: (On Phone) Jack, Curtis is dead. He was killed in action about 15 minutes ago.

Chase: (On Phone) Jack, you are on speakerphone now. Tony will be replacing Curtis for this last part of the mission.

Jack: Tony's in no fit state to go anywhere.

Tony: (On Phone) In a better state than you. They shot me full of Ketamine. I feel rejuvenated.

Jack: Doesn't Ketamine wear off after, like, an hour or something? You could crash any moment.

Tony: (On Phone) Better get this over with quickly then.

Jack: Guess so. You guys meet us there.

Chase: (On Phone) Okay Jack. See you there. (He hangs up)

Jack: Didn't you say earlier that you were in a mix up about replacing Curtis Manning?

Doyle: Yeah. Turns out he's not dead.

Jack: Erm, he is now.

Doyle: Oh, that's creepy. It's like the error maker knew he would die today.

Jack: Maybe. Only another 5 minutes until we get to Valencia.

-----

BXJ Technologies.

-----

(Phillip Bauer was looking at his computer screen. A small blip was moving slowly across the screen. It was heading for Valencia)

Phillip: Dammit Graem. You never were one to keep a secret. (He reaches into his drawer and takes out a gun) Guess I will have to deal with Jack myself.

-----

Valencia Warehouse.

-----

Omar: Get everything ready, soon we will strike at the Russian President's plane.

Steve: Yayeah. Can I press the big red button?

Omar: Sure, why not.

Steve: Awesome.

-----

The White House.

-----

(President Palmer had had a meeting called. Logan, Novick, Lennox and Karen Hayes were there. They were eating jaffa cakes)

Logan: Full moon. (He takes a bite of his jaffa cake) Half moon. (He finishes the cake) Total eclipse.

Novick: I hated that advert.

Palmer: Gentlemen, please. We have to discuss what to do about the Suvarov flight. How did the information get out to the press?

Lennox: It must have been leaked somehow.

Novick: Unless... (He looks at one of the paper aeroplanes they had made earlier in the day) Maybe you made a paper plane out of a document mentioning it.

Palmer: Ohhh. I did make some that went outside the gates...

Logan: Nice throw Sir.

Palmer: Thank you Charles.

Karen: We must warn CTU about the attack.

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

Valencia.

-----

(Jack's SUV pulls up outside a modern housing estate. Jack and Doyle get out. Jack takes out his phone and dials a number)

-----

Chase's SUV.

-----

(Tony is in the passenger seat, with Chase at the wheel. He answers his phone)

Tony: Almeida, go.

Jack: (On Phone) Good to hear you again, Tony. How far from Valencia are you?

Tony: We're very close. I see two blonde guys standing by an SUV. They look familiar.

Jack: (On Phone) This must be you now in the SUV approaching.

Tony: Do I sound louder the nearer I get to you?

Jack: (On Phone) No. The engine is making you inaudible.

Tony: I can't be eaten?

Jack: (On Phone) That's INEDIBLE! INAUDIBLE IS WHEN YOU CAN'T BE HEARD.

Tony: Oh. I'm gonna hang up now. (Shuts off phone)

-----

Valencia.

-----

(Chase's SUV pulls up beside Jack's. Tony and Chase get out. They greet Jack and Doyle)

Tony: (To Doyle) Paul Flowers?

Doyle: I have no idea who that is.

Tony: Sorry, thinking of someone else.

Doyle: Ooo..k.

Jack: How you feeling then, Tone?

Tony: Bit shaky, but that'll pass, right?

Jack: Think so.

Chase: What's the plan then, Jackie Boy?

Jack: Step 1, you never call me that again. Step 2, you see those warehouses over there?

Tony: Next to where that helicopter is landing?

Jack: Huh? (Takes some binoculars out of his pocket and looks towards the warehouses) Crap, it's my father.

Tony: Thought he'd be in hospital or something.

Jack: He must have checked out, or not even gone. Now we gotta deal with two things when we go in.

Doyle: Hey, guys, when we go in, can we yell something, like a battle cry? I already have one in mind.

Jack: Probably gonna regret asking this, but what you got in mind.

Doyle: You ready? When we go in, we shout 'GO GO BAUER RANGERS!' It's genius.

(Jack, Tony and Chase all stare as him)

Tony: Veto, guys?

Chase and Jack: Veto.

Tony: Tough luck there, kiddo.

Doyle: I bet you guys couldn't come up with anything better?

Tony: At least it wouldn't be a rip off of the Power Rangers.

Doyle: Oh, so you noticed.

Chase: Kinda hard not to, seeing as Curtis and I used to watch it... (They all go silent. A dustball rolls pass, followed by a hobo)

Hobo: Comebackere.

Jack: Well, we should split into teams.

Tony: Dibs on Jack.

Chase: Awww phooey.

Doyle: So I get weepy here.

Chase: Hey, I'm not crying... I have dust in my eye.

Jack: Let's just get on with our mission. Tony and I will cover the West side. Doyle, you and Teary take the East.

Chase: I hate you.

(They split off towards the warehouse)

-----

CTU.

-----

Chloe: I have satellite footage of the area Jack's team is at.

Bill: Good. Send it to Jack's PDA. Milo?

Milo: COM is up and ready.

Bill: Morris?

Morris: I have the tea everyone wanted.

Bill: Excellant. (He takes a tea from the tray Morris is holding) Are these cakes?

Morris: They're scones.

Bill: Weird British people.

Morris: I take offence to that.

Bill: That's because it was meant to offend. (Morris walks off grumbling to himself) Now, let us end this charade.

Edgar: I wanted to play charades in the bedroom last night but Chloe wouldn't let me.

Bill: Sweet jesus... And I think you mean role playing.

Edgar: No, I meant charades. We had some friends over.

Bill: So you're THAT kind of couple.

Chloe: You are a weird old man Bill.

Bill: I'm not that old.

Milo: You wear a sweater. Which is hideous by the way.

(Bill looks down. He is wearing a wooly sweater)

Bill: Hmm... When did I put that on?

Morris: It seems you are getting forgetful old chap.

Bill: Dammit.

-----

LA Airspace.

-----

(Suvarov's flight had entered LA. Yuri and Anya Suvarov were sitting on a large couch)

Suvarov: Soon we will be meeting President Palmer.

Anya: And I will get to see Martha Logan again. It's been a long time.

Suvarov: Where's Vlad with my vodka?

-----

Valencia Warehouse.

-----

Omar: Get ready, 4 minutes until showtime.

Steve: Uh, your evilship?

Omar: Scott. We're old friends and colleagues. Mr. Spalding will suffice.

Steve: It's Steve, actually. But that's another matter. Umm, why are we attacking the Russian President's airplane? We have no beef with the Russians.

Omar: The man we went into business to set all this up does, though. He wishes to bring back the Soviet Union and The Suvarovs stand in his way.

Steve: It all seems rather complicated to me.

Omar: I'm not gonna lie to you, Calvin, but it's complicated to me too. But we're getting money, so it's gotta be good, right?

Steve: I don't think I support our cause any more.

Omar: I'm sorry to hear that, Stuart. (Pulls out a gun and shoots Steve)

Steve: Dude Betrayal five. (Raises hand, but falls over) Frick. (Dies)

Omar: (Quietly, almost to himself) I love you, Steve. (A tear rolls down his cheek for his slain love)

(Phillip enters)

Phillip: My son and his little squadron are here. Get your men ready. Oh, and Gredenko would like first shot at the one with the fake hand first.

Omar: Fake..hand?

Phillip: Don't ask. And try not to kill my son. I don't wanna explain that to his mother.

Omar: Yes, Mr. Bauer, sir.

-----

Intercut - Outside Valencia Warehouse/CTU.

-----

(Jack and Tony are at point by one entrance, Chase and Doyle are at another. Jack speaks to CTU on Com)

Jack: Chloe, get me heat signatures so we can identify hostiles inside the building.

Chloe: They should be on your screen any minute, Jack.

Jack: I got them, Chloe, thanks. (PDA beeps) Hmm, an e-mail. Don't recognise the address. Do you, Tony? (Shows screen to Tony)

Tony: Get.A.Big..(mumbles) .com? No, open it and see what it is.

Jack: No. It's bound to be spam.

Tony: Fine.

Jack: (Deletes e-mail and put PDA in his pocket) Right, Chase, you reading me clearly?

Chase: Loud and clear there, Goose.

Doyle: Can I be Maverick.

Jack: No. We go on 5.

Tony: Go on 5, or 5 and then go?

Chase: Why isn't it 3?

Jack: We go on 5, and I wanna let these terrorist guys live an extra 2 seconds.

Doyle: Oh, it's Jack compassion. I understand now.

Jack: Shut up, guys. On my signal. 5,4...

-----

Inside Warehouse

-----

(Omar is about to launch another missile)

Omar: 3

-----

Outside Warehouse.

-----

Jack: 2.

-----

Inside.

-----

Omar: Wu..(As he is about to trigger the missile, Jack and his team burst in, shooting) Oh crap.

(Omar drops the missile trigger and dives behind a table)

Henchman 4: IT'S JACK BAUER!!

Henchman 2: RUUUUUUUUUN!!

(Some of the henchmen start running away)

Omar: It's hard to find help these days. (He shoots some rounds over the edge of the table) GET BACK HERE! (One man had taken cover next to Omar)

Man: Hi.

Omar: Who are you?

Man: I'm here to ask you about timeshares.

Omar: You've got to be kidding me. (A bullet flies past the table, piercing the man's briefcase)

Man: Dang. Sir, I'm deadly serious.

Omar: And you will be dead soon.

Man: What can I say, I'm desperate, I need the commission.

Omar: Well, go and talk to those guys over there. (He indicates Jack and Tony)

Man: Fine.

(Jack and Tony are trying to shoot Omar)

Jack: Why do they always hide behind something?

Tony: Because they are TEH GAYZ!

Jack: What?

Tony: Nothing. I like guys with no names that just die easily. Not these 'important' guys.

Man: Hi there.

Tony: JESUS! (He tries to shoot the man but is empty)

Man: Wow, that's a good sign. I want to ask you about timeshare...

Tony: Oh crap, reload faster dammit!

Jack: Go away. We are busy.

Man: BUT I NEED THIS!

Tony: YES! (He had reloaded his weapon)

Man: Fine! I know when I'm not welcome.

Jack: Bet you do.

Man: I'm outta here. (He walks away)

Tony: Awww, I wanted to shoot him. (He spots a sneaky henchman and shoots him) That's a bit better.

Jack: Dammit, we need to get to the missile. We need to get to that trigger mechanism before Omar does.

(Meanwhile, Phillip Bauer had tried to get away through a back exit but had been pinned down by Chase and Doyle. Gredenko is with him, he has a vodka)

Phillip: What is it with you russians and vodka.

Gredenko: It is for Soviet Russia.

Phillip: Right. We need out of here. Any plans?

Gredenko: We could try shooting them?

Phillip: As if I haven't tried.

(Chase and Doyle were trying to get through to Jack and Tony)

Chase: I'm sure thats Jack's dad and Gredenko blocking us off.

Doyle: Yeah, and they have pretty good cover too.

Chase: We could be here a while. (He shoots around the corner wall they were at)

-----

Clock. Adverts. Clock.

-----

(No-one had gotten anywhere. Jack and Tony were throwing empty shells over Omar's table)

Omar: Stop that dammit! You nearly had my eye out.

(Phillip and Gredenko were playing Go Fish)

Gredenko: Go fish.

Phillip: Damn. (He picks up a card) Yes! (He holds it aloft. A gunshot is heard. He lowers the card, which is now sporting a bullet hole)

(Chase returned to his cover)

Chase: Hehe, I got the card.

Doyle: Why not shoot his hand?

Chase: ... Frick!

-----

CTU.

-----

(Bill was staring at Chloe's heat signature pull up)

Bill: Is this thing broken?

Chloe: No. They all just seem to be sitting there.

Bill: I suppose it means the Suvarov is safe whilst this goes on.

Edgar: There is another 6 minutes until it lands.

Bill: Ok. Jack, this is Bill. You have 6 minutes.

Jack: (On Com) Thanks Bill.

-----

Warehouse.

-----

Tony: Was that Bill? We got time? How much time we got? We running out of time? Time magazine? (Holds out a copy of Time to Jack)

Jack: What? Get that out of here.

Tony: Yeah. S'got that creepy midget on the cover. I hate that guy.

Jack: (Looks at cover) It's an ameoba, part of an article about stem cell research.

Tony: Oh. (Throws magazine behind him) So what Bill have to say?

Jack: We got 5 minutes till The Suvarovs land.

Tony: Best get to it, then. You go, I'll cover you.

Jack: On five. 1..2..5 GO!

(Tony fires his gun in Omar's direction whilst Jack scuttles his way to Omar)

Omar: Why you keep shooting, stupid American?

Jack: (Sneaks up behind Omar and taps him on the shoulder. Omar turns around) For me to do this. (Jack punches him in the face, knocking him out) Punk bitch.

Tony: You got him, Jack?

Jack: Yeah, Tony. We got him.

Tony: Awesome. Uh, where's your brother?

Jack: In my car. I opened the window a bit, so he won't die. Hey, do me a favour and take him to my car, will ya? I gotta go get my dad.

Tony: Will do.

(Tony picks up Omar and drags him outside to Jack's car. Jack heads off in the direction Chase and Doyle have pursued Phillip Bauer and Gredenko to)

-----

Warehouse Back Exit.

-----

(Phillip and Gredenko are still playing cards)

Gredenko: Any Eights?

Phillip: We're playing Gin.

Gredenko: Oh. Then Gin. (Lays down cards)

(Jack approaches Chase and Doyle)

Jack: (Whispering) I'm gonna try and talk to my dad. Watch my back. (Starts to walk to his father and Gredenko)

Doyle: With pleasure.

Jack: I was talking to Chase. You go to my car and keep Tony company.

Doyle: Awww. (Exits)

Jack: PHILLIP BAUER AND DMITRI GREDENKO! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE! SURRENDER TO US NOW!

Phillip: Why are you yelling? And if we don't surrender?

Jack: Then I WILL shoot you. (Jack is now face to face with his father and Gredenko)

Phillip: Not given us many options that benefit us, Jack.

Gredenko: I wish to make a deal for full immunity.

Phillip: Oh no, you don't. (Pulls out a knife and stabs Gredenko, who falls to the floor)

Jack: NO! (Tackles his father and forcefully apprehends him) CHASE! CHECK ON GREDENKO!

(Chase jogs over and checks Gredenko's vitals. He looks at Jack and shakes his head)

Phillip: I couldn't let him talk.

Jack: Save it for when we get to CTU. (To CTU on Com) Bill, it's Jack. Gredenko is dead but we managed to catch Omar and my father.

-----

CTU.

-----

Bill: Excellent work, Jack. I'll inform the White House immediately. (Takes out his earpiece and addresses CTU) Can I have your attention, please.

I'm proud to report that all known suspects in today's activities have been apprehended. You all did good today and ..

Morris: (Interrupting) Sorry to interrupt, but isn't the word 'activities' a bit too jovial for what these people did? They took human lives. 'Activities'

brings to mind stuff like paintball and jetskating.

Chloe: What the hell is jetskating?

Morris: The sport where you're dragged along behind a speedboat tied to an ironing board.

Edgar: Wakeboarding?

Morris: I don't care what it's called, but can we instead use the word 'Atrocities' next time?

Bill: Ya done?

Morris: Yeah, Billy Boy. Carry on... Columbus. (Chuckles. Everyone looks at him) Sorry. British humour.

Bill: Leave. Now. But leave those cake things. They were delicious.

Morris: Scones?

Bill: Yes, them.

Morris: Righto, Mate.

(Morris gets up and leaves the building)

Bill: Carry on with your work, everyone. I need a log of all things done to contribute to finding these guys by the end of the day. (Takes out his cellphone

and dials The White House)

-----

The Oval Office.

-----

(Wayne, Pierce, Lennox, Logan and Mike are all sitting around. Karen Hayes enters)

Karen: Bill Buchanan on Line 2, sir.

Wayne: Put him on.

(Karen presses a button on the speakerphone)

Karen: Bill, you're on with The President, The Vice President, The Joint Chiefs of Staff and Myself. (Pierce coughs) Oh, and Aaron Pierce.

Bill: (On Phone) Sirs. And Ladies.

Lennox: There's only one lady here, Bill.

Bill: (On Phone) I'm counting you in there too, Terry,

Lennox: I see.

Bill: (On Phone) All suspects in today's terrorist atrocities have been apprehended or otherwise disposed of. I will get back to you once we have started

interrogations.

Logan: And The Suvarovs are safe?

Bill: Yes, we just got word that their plane landed safely about 3 minutes ago.

Novick: Well, that's great news. They'll be in LA until tomorrow morning, at which time they'll fly out here on Air Force Two.

Logan: My plane?

Lennox: Yes. Mrs Logan has flown out to be with them in LA and will come back with them tomorrow.

Logan: Dammit. I wanted to go to Mexico.

Bill: (On Phone) Uh, can one of you guys hang the phone up? I gotta make another call.

(Lennox hangs up the phone)

Wayne: We must have a celebration, bitches. Pierce, call the airport, have them gas up the plane and we'll have a Mile High Party.

Logan: Nothing gay will go on, right?

Wayne: Depends who passes out first. Probably Lennox.

(They all leave the room, chanting 'PARTY!' over and over again)

-----

Outside Warehouse.

-----

(Jack puts his dad in the back seat of his SUV. Graem and Phillip look at each other)

Phillip: This is another fine mess you've gotten us in to.

Tony: What are you, Laurel and Hardy? Shut the fuck up.

(Jack closes the back door of his SUV. He breathes deeply and looks around, then turns to Tony, who is in the car)

Jack: Can you take them back to CTU? I feel like taking a walk.

Tony: Yeah, sure. Drinks later?

Jack: Yeah. Sure. Whatever. See ya, Tone.

(Tony slides into the Drivers seat and starts the engine)

Tony: See ya, man.

(Tony drives off, followed by Chase's SUV, which stops beside Jack)

Chase: You not going back with them?

Jack: I feel like taking a walk.

Chase: Alright, Jack. Take care. (Drives off)

(Jack waits until the SUVs are out of sight, takes out his gun and drops it to the ground. He then walks off in the opposite direction of that which the cars

went in)

-----

Clock. End Credits. Clock.

-----

Somewhere In China.

-----

(A man answers his phone)

Man: Hello?

Caller: (On Phone) The list you sent me is quite promising, and helpful. I have found 4 of them already.

Man: Good. I have my men searching around the world too, Beijing, Paris, Moscow, London and Utah in the US. Soon we will have all the info we need for

leverage.

Caller: (On Phone) Soon our bretherin will be set free.

Man: I believe there is someone on the list that will be hard to track down.

Caller: (On Phone) Yes, he was part of an elite team years ago. He fought alongside Jack Bauer.

Man: If we can capture him alive he will prove useful.

Caller: (On Phone) I'll try and keep that in mind. Goodbye Cheng.


	12. 24 Meets Pokemon

24 Meets Pokemon. XD. I wrote this due to a pokemon board I am on now. It's pretty short, the ending is abrupt, but I left it open so... Who knows. 

-----  
CTU.  
-----

(Jack Bauer and Tony Almeida are sitting in the lounge area. Tony is playing a game on his DS. Jack is reading a Playboy)

Tony: Come on! Work you stupid Pokeball!  
Jack: What are you yelling about now?  
Tony: This damn pikachu won't stay in the damn pokeball.  
Jack: English please?  
Tony: I'm playing Pokemon.  
Jack: Ahhh, that. Isn't that a kids game?  
Tony: No... It's a strategic RPG.  
Jack: (Rolling his eyes) Sure... (He thumbs the pages of his Playboy)  
Tony: I always thought it would be cool to be in the world of Pokemon. (He stares at the wall, a distant look in his eyes)  
Jack: You and all the other 10 year olds.  
Tony: Quiet you. I guess you don't the intricacies of the Pokemon world. Good day. (He stands up and walks out of the room)  
Jack: (He stares after Tony, shakes his head and goes back to the magazine) Oooh, twins.

(He carries on reading the magazine for a minute, then decides to grab a snack from the canteen. He rises but doesn't notice a wire stretching across in front of him. His leg catches the wire and he falls, banging his head on a table. He looks around groggily and hears Tony's voice: 'I always thought it would be cool to be in the world of Pokemon.')

Jack: Huh? Tony... (He falls unconcious)

-----  
Sinnoh. Route 202.  
-----

(A young boy is walking along the path. His pikachu is bounding along in front, when he spots something amiss ahead of them. He motions for the boy to speed up)

Boy: What is it Pikachu?  
Pikachu: Pi-pika!  
Boy: Oh no, who is that laying there? (He approaches Jack lying unconcious on the ground) Hmmm, use Thundershock to wake him up.

(Pikachu nods and uses Thundershock on Jack, who wakes up slightly smoldering)

Jack: WHAT THE HELL!?!... Where am I?  
Boy: Hi, this is route 202 to Jubilife City.  
Jack: Where now? And who are you?  
Boy: My name is Ash Ketchum. And I am heading through Sinnoh to collect all of the gym badges and challenge the Sinnoh Elite Four!  
Jack: ... Ummm, right. (He looks at Pikachu) What's with the rodent? (Pikachu looks offended, small sparks fly from his cheeks)  
Ash: That's Pikachu. He's my companion and friend.  
Jack: Is he... a rat or something?  
Pikachu: Pika! (He uses Thunderbolt on Jack)  
Jack: Holy hell! (He falls to the ground, once again smoldering)  
Ash: He's a pikachu, not a rat!  
Jack: (Twitching) Fine with me, Pikachu. (He stands up, brushing himself off) Hmmm, this is really odd. I have no idea where I am or how I got here. And this place seems odd... cartoony maybe? Weird.  
Ash: Well, you can tag along with us until Jubilife. Maybe you can ask around there?  
Jack: (He shrugs) Sure, why not.

-----  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----  
Splitscreen of Jack and Ash; Team Rocket in a hot air balloon above them; and wild Bidoof's wandering in long grass.  
-----  
Hot Air Balloon.  
-----

Jesse: This seems like the perfect opportunity to steal that Pikachu.  
Meowth: The little twerp only has Pikachu with him. And our rubber suits will easily help us avoid a shocking end.  
James: It almost seems too easy. Even that bad joke was too easy Meowth.  
Jesse: Hmmm, Meowth's jokes have been getting a little stale lately.  
James: Maybe catching Pikachu can jump start his jokes. (James beams at his own joke)  
Meowth: That was lame.  
James: I thought it was brilliant!  
Meowth: It was lame!  
James: Brilliant! (They start bickering and hitting each other)  
Jesse: Boys will be boys. (She shrugs)

-----  
Route 202.  
-----

(Ash and Jack are walking along the path when Pikachu is faced down by a wild Bidoof)

Pikachu: Pika! Pikachu!  
Ash: What is that?  
Jack: An ugly beaver thing?

(Ash get's out his pokedex)

Pokedex: Bidoof, a Plump Mouse Pok?on. With nerves of steel, nothing can perturb it. It is more agile and active than it appears.  
Jack: That thing is agile? Looks pretty fat to me.

(Bidoof glares at Jack)

Ash: Guess it wants to fight.  
Jack: What's it gonna do? Gnaw my ankle?  
Ash: Pikachu! Use thundershock! (Pikachu charges and releases it's thundershock at the Bidoof. The Bidoof jumps out of the way and runs at Pikachu, knocking him aside and heading for Jack and Ash) Pikachu use- (The Bidoof falls to floor. Jack is holding his gun)  
Jack: That'll teach it. (Ash stares at him open mouthed) What?  
Ash: You... shot it?  
Jack: It was heading right for us. The first rule of hunting: If its heading straight for you, shoot it.  
Ash: We don't HUNT Pokemon. We catch them.  
Jack: I'm sure there's more than one around here. (He looks for more Bidoof) I suppose we'll see more later. Let's go. (He starts off again)  
Ash I... But.  
Jack: Come on kid. Be a man.

(Ash walks after Jack still dumbfounded. Jack is whistling 'Eye of the tiger')

-----  
Clock. Adverts. Clock.  
-----  
Route 202.  
-----

(Jack and Ash had stopped for a rest and some food. Ash hadn't said anything since Jack had shot the Bidoof)

Jack: Are you going to be like this through the whole journey kid?  
Ash: .  
Jack: I hate to say this, but I wish Tony was here. He would have appreciated my actions.

(A small round object falls to the ground beside Jack and Ash)

Ash: Huh? (The object flashes, blinding them) Aargghh!  
Jack: My eyes!

(From somewhere above them voices could be heard)

Jessie: Prepare for trouble.  
James: And make it double.  
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation.  
James: To unite all people within our nation.  
Jessie: To denounce the evils of truth and love.  
James: To extend our reach to the stars above.  
Jessie: Jessie.  
James: James.  
Jessie: Team Rocket blasting off at the speed of light.  
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight.  
Meowth: Meowth. That's right.  
Jack: First they assault my eyes, and now my ears! Who are these jerks?  
Ash: It's Team Rocket!  
Jack: That's... just sad.  
James: Who are you to question our team name?  
Jack: The guy that's gonna kick your ass. (Jack's vision returns and he looks at Team Rocket in their balloon. He grins and takes out his gun)  
Jesse: What? One of the twerp's companions has a gun?!

(Jack shoots the balloon)

Meowth: This isn't good. (The balloon deflates and shots off into the sky)  
Team Rocket: Looks like Team Rocket's... Blasting off agaaaaaiin.  
Ash: I suppose that's a better use of that thing. (He motions to the gun)  
Jack: Thanks. It was much funnier than just shooting them.  
Ash: Let's just head to Jubilife. I think it's better if we parted ways there.  
Jack: Fine. I just want to get back to CTU...

(The two start walking down the path into the distance. In the foreground a pokemon rises over the hill)

Jigglypuff: Jiggly?

-----  
Clock. End Short.

-----

I guess we'll be seeing more of this soon :D


	13. Laser Tag Preview

It's been a while since I've put anything up, but I've been slowly working on something over the summer and thought I'd place a little preview here. Hopefully I'll have it finished in the next few weeks and possibly start on Day 5, or maybe on a prequel, Day 0 possibly. Anywho, here is a small intro, and snippets from what I've written so far. Hope you enjoy it, and maybe let me know if a prequel is wanted :P

-----

24: The Parody - Laser Tag

-----

The following preview takes place during breakfast, and some bits afterwards.

-----

CTU Cafeteria.

-----

Tony: Come on, tell us what we're doing.

Jack: No, it's a secret.

Tony: But the readers already know what it is.

Jack: Huh?

Tony: Nevermind.

Bill: Jack, I trust your judgement in choosing the activity for today's CTU Day of Fun.

Tony: That title makes it sound so lame.

Bill: Well you didn't want the other name "CTU's Fun and Games"

Tony: As funny as the acronym is, it sounds kind of disturbing.

Jack: Whereas "Day of Fun" doesn't?

Tony: Point taken.

Edgar: Any idea of what we can expect Jack?

Jack: Well...

-----

(Jack runs down an alleyway, explosions going off from where he has been)

Jack: Take that, terrorists!

(At the end of the alleyway is a nuclear bomb)

Jack: Shit, I better defuse this.

(He opens up a panel and cuts 1 wire, stopping the timer on 00:01)

Jack: Kick ass. (A helicopter lowers a rope ladder down in front of him)

Tony: GET TO DA CHOPPER!

Jack: Sweet!

-----

Tony: Jack, that was yesterday.

Jack: It was? Oh yeah. I still need to do the paperwork for that...

Bill: So no clues about later?

Jack: Hmmmm...... The woods.

Tony: James Woods?

Jack: No moron. The activity is out in the woods.

Tony: Oh, like logging?

Bill: My father was a lumberjack.

Tony: Really?

Bill: No.

Tony: Then why-

Bill: Just trying to connect with you guys.

Edgar: Come on Jack, just tell us already.

Jack: One more clue: shooting.

Tony: 'Cos that's original to us.

Bill: Alright already, let's get ready to go.

-----

Montage.

-----

Bill: So tell me Jack, what is it that you've planned for our CTU Day of Fun.

Jack: First off, stop calling it that. Secondly, we are going laser tagging.

Tony: Fuck yeah!

.....

Jack: The downside is that we have Edgar on our team.-- At least we only have one handicap, the women have, well, they're women.

Tony: Hey! Michelle is a good shot.

Jack: So they have one good shot then, unless that new girl is any good. Bill, you read her file?

Bill: Unlikely.

Jack: Then we should be careful around her too, at least until we know her skills.

.....

Kim: Who are you, anyhow?

Woman: Name's Heather Cobb.

Kim: Like corn on the cob?

Heather: Uh, yeah. Exactly like that.

.....

Jack: I say me and Tony go in, laser the women, and you three cover our rear.

Tony: I second that.

Bill: I'm kinda liking Jack's plan. It has all the hallmarks of his field work. Plus, I think I have cramp in my leg.

Tony: You just wanna read that new Playboy you brought along.

Bill: Nuh-uh.

.....

Patterson: The first half of the day will just be Team Deathmatch. If you are shot in the killzone; head, neck, torso, then you are "dead" and have to announce yourself defeated and return to base. You are not allowed to shoot anyone after you "die".

Jack: I've died twice, and I'm still shooting people, can I be exempt from that rule?

Patterson: No.

Jack: Dammit.

Patterson: Now, if there are no questions. I shall escort the Blue team to the northern base. You will both be given ten minutes to make any last plans, then the signal will be given to start.

Tony: What's the signal?

Patterson: You'll know it when you hear it. Prepare for War.


End file.
